DarkAries
Member
- Joined
- May 16, 2019
- Messages
- 203
So, its a while this happened, but recently I remember it over and over. That time I didnt payed attention to what happened, I had bigger problems to work with. Please, excuse me if it doesnt really have a point, or if I get too sentimental. I just want to share it with you.
July, 2023. After a few weeks of general weakness, bad sleep and thirstiness one horrible morning I got into hospital. Turned out it was very unusual that I wasnt fainted, in paper I should have been in come for a few days now. Breathing was painful, felt like sharps shards of glass cutting my throath every time I inhale. I was afraid of pins that time, yet I barely felt the infusions and all the blood samples they took. I got some wet cotton, put a lot of electrode into me and left me in a room with a dying old man. Truth be told, I wasnt really aware, and my sense of time was lost. I constantly fell asleep and woke up in every hour. Hours felt like weeks passed.
I remember mother and father visiting. Their smile was fake and their eyes was sorrowful. I only asked them to get me out. I wanted to get home.
I got a few water. I was too weak to move, and I could only drink when someone was around. I watched as the old mens family say good by to the one in front of me.
I didnt expected my life to flash before my eyes. Breathing was still too painful to focus into anything else. I had only two heavy toughts, even in the least aware state: "I am thirsty" and "I havent meditated today". I made a very basic chakra empovering on the hospital bed.
Maybe it was night, but more likely it was day when I didnt felt the world around me. I felt Im laying on my side, even thou I was on my back, and I havent moved for days. The windows next to me were closed, yet I felt a warm wind blowing in.
A hand gently stroked my back. It was a warm, and kind move, like my mother did when I was a child. The realisation sent shivers in my spine. I already relived my previous lifes, I knew whats happening. I havent tought of my family, my loved ones, my life, or any pissibility that future could hold. I only thought that even if I reborn instantly and find Satan in a young age(like I did in this life) the age of aquarious would be nearly over. I would miss the fight, the chance to give back the jews what they deserve. I could not serve the Gods as well as I want to. I would fail myself.
I didnt felt my body that point, yet I started crying: "Please, Satan... I still have work in this life..."
I dont know how I said it, I could barely speak at that point. Shortly after this, maybe just hours, maybe a half day, I was finally moved away from emergency, into the endocrinology wing. One nurse playfully introduced herself to me, and I sat up to shake her hand. Some doctor barely believed into her eyes. At that afternoon I was able to eat, to speak without pain or exhaustion. I got a single room with a tv, a bathroom, and I even got the remaining tea (that tea was thin and tasteless, but I was still greatful). That night I was able to stand up and walk on my own. My dear Succubus visited me that night. Gave a gently hugged me and told me how happy She is for my decision. Ten days later I got home.
The happiness quickly faded, once the infusions was removed, and I thinked through the past. I didnt remembered those two weeks for a long time. Almost everyone told me to forget it.
If you would knew what some people would do, just to be in my place, and die in peace. How many young man and woman I spoke, whos only still alive, because suicide would be too painful!
Nietzsche said: "He, who has a "why" to live can bear almost any "how"". I meditate on that feeling, on my decision for a few days now. Or just remember it while wasting my time on games: was this the reason I choosed life? I came back for this?
No.
I am here, because I want to fight.
I am here, because I want to be useful for the Gods.
I am here, because I want to help taking back this world for us.
That is the reason I am still alive.
I will try to live my life according to that decision.
So when a time without choice would come, I will feel satisfiction, and not shame.
Hail Satan!
July, 2023. After a few weeks of general weakness, bad sleep and thirstiness one horrible morning I got into hospital. Turned out it was very unusual that I wasnt fainted, in paper I should have been in come for a few days now. Breathing was painful, felt like sharps shards of glass cutting my throath every time I inhale. I was afraid of pins that time, yet I barely felt the infusions and all the blood samples they took. I got some wet cotton, put a lot of electrode into me and left me in a room with a dying old man. Truth be told, I wasnt really aware, and my sense of time was lost. I constantly fell asleep and woke up in every hour. Hours felt like weeks passed.
I remember mother and father visiting. Their smile was fake and their eyes was sorrowful. I only asked them to get me out. I wanted to get home.
I got a few water. I was too weak to move, and I could only drink when someone was around. I watched as the old mens family say good by to the one in front of me.
I didnt expected my life to flash before my eyes. Breathing was still too painful to focus into anything else. I had only two heavy toughts, even in the least aware state: "I am thirsty" and "I havent meditated today". I made a very basic chakra empovering on the hospital bed.
Maybe it was night, but more likely it was day when I didnt felt the world around me. I felt Im laying on my side, even thou I was on my back, and I havent moved for days. The windows next to me were closed, yet I felt a warm wind blowing in.
A hand gently stroked my back. It was a warm, and kind move, like my mother did when I was a child. The realisation sent shivers in my spine. I already relived my previous lifes, I knew whats happening. I havent tought of my family, my loved ones, my life, or any pissibility that future could hold. I only thought that even if I reborn instantly and find Satan in a young age(like I did in this life) the age of aquarious would be nearly over. I would miss the fight, the chance to give back the jews what they deserve. I could not serve the Gods as well as I want to. I would fail myself.
I didnt felt my body that point, yet I started crying: "Please, Satan... I still have work in this life..."
I dont know how I said it, I could barely speak at that point. Shortly after this, maybe just hours, maybe a half day, I was finally moved away from emergency, into the endocrinology wing. One nurse playfully introduced herself to me, and I sat up to shake her hand. Some doctor barely believed into her eyes. At that afternoon I was able to eat, to speak without pain or exhaustion. I got a single room with a tv, a bathroom, and I even got the remaining tea (that tea was thin and tasteless, but I was still greatful). That night I was able to stand up and walk on my own. My dear Succubus visited me that night. Gave a gently hugged me and told me how happy She is for my decision. Ten days later I got home.
The happiness quickly faded, once the infusions was removed, and I thinked through the past. I didnt remembered those two weeks for a long time. Almost everyone told me to forget it.
If you would knew what some people would do, just to be in my place, and die in peace. How many young man and woman I spoke, whos only still alive, because suicide would be too painful!
Nietzsche said: "He, who has a "why" to live can bear almost any "how"". I meditate on that feeling, on my decision for a few days now. Or just remember it while wasting my time on games: was this the reason I choosed life? I came back for this?
No.
I am here, because I want to fight.
I am here, because I want to be useful for the Gods.
I am here, because I want to help taking back this world for us.
That is the reason I am still alive.
I will try to live my life according to that decision.
So when a time without choice would come, I will feel satisfiction, and not shame.
Hail Satan!