Thank you for always providing great amount of information, I appraise it
I will definitly try fasting, if Im already hungry it wouldnt matter much. But regarding that its damaged or deactivated... I have no idea, and its annoys me beyond words, that no matter what, I cant know more from my doctor. All I (and they) know is that my pancreas still produce some insulin, just not enough in itself. And that on paper I should have been dead, soooo, as long as I still breath they dont really care.
My sleep schedule is more or less optimal now, I usually get 6-8 hours. Dropping gym got just the right moment, I quitted a few weeks ago. They raised price again, and I just physically cant do daily gym and yoga. Or at least I can, but then I get way too tired for the rest of the day, and feel the dread to do it again.
I tried the stoic "wont care, Ill embrace whatever happens" mentality, even Amor Fati(love your fate, whatever it is). I can do it for a month, even severals, but it wouldnt be me. Sooner or later my inner self will cry out against it, declearing that its in fact not okay, and its not good, and it needs to be changed.
About getting back meditations, I already did that, and I hate myself for it. Even though medical way its not that bad, really dont make good on my mental health. Taking meditations back even more would likely cause me to hate myself more. A lot of meditating, advencing, going through even if its hard, tiresome or even painful... thats what I was proud. And whenever it wasnt challenging enough, I increased the repeat, or tried to raise the quality. Even when I was tired, barely able to stay awake and weakened, I did meditations, did RTRs. Even when I was nearly ded, I did meditations. And thats likely the last tiny thing I love in myself, but diabetes made it worse. Before it, I felt like all the work I do is to make myself better, to get even just a barely notecably closer to godhood. Now, all just to try to get back to minimal state and heal this shit, and even if it takes less then a decade and doesnt severe... it feels humiliating. Something I shouldnt have, something I perfectly be without. Sure, I could be good at healing once its done, becoming a healer and have better understanding of how hormones and digest system works and be able to fix its issues... Its not a way of life I wanted
. I would rather be a warrior, an artist, or even a teacher, and yes, I could do multiple at once, but damn, sharing focus between subjects really decrease the quality of it. Now, Im mostly just a diabetic. Something I hate with every part of my body and soul, but it gets worse if I ignore it.
"That is enough" - I literally dont remember if I ever said it to myself. Or at least without sarcasm and disgust, like "thats enough, if you dont want to achive any meaningful today". I really dont like the feeling that I would get weaker, yet diabetes is purely that for me
Now thinking through, my own self-respect/self-love purely relied on how much I advance. Since how could I love something weak? And I see diabetes, and my diabetic self as a huge, HUGE decrease. I meditate more since that, but Im not satisfied with myself. I tried, but it doesnt outweight it for me.
Sorry if any of this sounds irrational, or too emotional. To be honest, I had a devastating lowpoint, and I felt the touch of death closer that time, when I was literally dying(what I wrote way back). Its better now, but just a bit, and I made preparations, like writing a list to while "not give up" if I feel this low again. Its better if I dont tell more how exactly I felt that time, it would be pessimistic and dark, even compared to me.
I have no false hopes that there wont be any worse lowpoints. Guess my goal now is to stay alive till I can start Jupiter squares(wich once again, I feel like a big decrease to my past, shameful decrase). Its not just the medical parts now, I still do the runic healing Azazel teached me, it worked before(decreased the amount of insulin I need to give by one unit over 4-5 months). Just taking diabetes under control takes a lot of my focus, and bigger amount of stress than before. Like "should I give same insulin and risk a high bloodsugar, or give more and risk a low bloodsugar?" "Oh, it gets too high, now, was it because I slept half hour less, its because its 4 degree colder today, its because I got flue just dont have any symptoms yet, or just no reasons at all", "I want to go to yoga class, it starts 6 pm, so I need to measure my blood 5 pm, get something with precisely 60 g carbonhidrates, or 70 if the class gets intense and eat before class or my bloodsugar will go crazy again"(its really not a pleasent feeling to eat bigger amount before yoga, it was awful). I cant really look at myself and say something like "good job, you made wonderful work, Im proud of you". It would be a lie. Im ashamed that I got diabetes and havent cured it yet.
I can tell that you are in great distress from what you have written here. And we first need to get that under control.
You are not a Dude who is defined by having to deal with Diabetes.
You are a child of Satan, we can overcome everything as we have the Gods on our side who guide us in life. You are not alone - I am here as well for you.
You are person who is striving towards empowerment, someone with a strong desire to grow stronger, and a will to push through it all no matter what.
But this is going too far for your body, you are stressing your body out, without giving it an opportunity to catch a breath and recover.
When we stress our Nervous system in a positive way, and only for short time, we tap into something that we call hormesis - we grow stronger. When you go into an ice bath for a short time, you stress your body, and you adapt to the cold - you grow stronger.
If you overdo it - you damage yourself.
The dose and stress level is of Great importance here. The body does not care what kind of stress it has to deal with, let it be psychological stress, depression, the cold, the heat, the fight, the flight, working hard… they are all stressors to the nervous system. Whenever you trigger the sympathetic (fight or flight/Stress) nervous system, you also need to let your body calm down by activating the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest).
True strength is not strong and hard, it strong and weak, it is hard and soft, ist stress and relax. This is how you can grow stronger, step by step.
Do not try to advance and grow strong in order to love yourself.
Advance and grow strong - Because you love yourself.
Love yourself, unconditionally, and use this love to take care of you. Taking care of your wellbeing, as well as of your development.
You have an incredible strong will and the desire to grow stronger. Your body however is not able to handle it, you are frying yourself.
Use your love to take care of you, unconditionally.
Use your strong will to advance - and use your mind to control your will, and not to overdo things.
If you follow this, you will grow very strong. Be hard and soft, hard and soft - repeat this cycle and you will rise to highest heights.
As I said, since your Nervoussystem was strained from you being hard to yourself - You need to relax and get soft first.
If you do this, you solve the root issue of the problem here - an overstimulated nervous system.
You need to change your habits and control your mind first. Give yourself 3 Weeks to 40 days first.
-You are enough. You did well. Give yourself the time and love to calm down and heal.
So try to implement the things I suggested you in the earlier message, and also see what works for you best. Accept yourself, love yourself unconditionally - as by this you will heal and be able to grow stronger again.
The above is step #1. this might sound like too little for yourself, or Not enough to heal - but it is the most important thing here. Trust me.
The next step, after you have found yourself, and are more composed, more calm, and love yourself - Now the time has come to use magick and material steps.
Do a healing working - This will go hand in hand with your material healing of the body - Yin and Yang - Soft and Strong
Again, do not stress yourself and overcharge yourself with too much energy, be it with too many reps of vibarions, too high intensity of energy or too long duration of time where you raise it.
You would want to open the legs as well, as this improves the flow of energy in the body, as well as taking in Energy through the feet to harmonize the soul.
Now coming to the part where you described that you can not fast, and where you said that is hard to control your blood sugar levels - I AM HAPPY YOU NOTICED THIS!!!
Do see how hard it is to maintain stable blood sugar control all the time with Insulin shots? Do you see how little parameters like what you ate, when you ate, how your mood is, how cold or warm you are affect your blood sugar levels??
A Human has a VERY HARD TIME to try to control the blood sugar levels consciously!
And despite that, the pancreas does a very splendid job in regulating it!
Do you see now how chronic stress can freak the pancreas out to the point where it does not function properly anymore??
It’s job is already very hard - you must have noticed it, as you are taking over this job right now.
The Pancreas is in constant feedback loop with the blood and it’s blood sugar levels. The Job of the pancreas is, to produce Insulin - not too much Insulin and not little Insulin - just the right amount of Insulin.
It is hard for a human to overtake its job, as we have no constant feedback loop. However, at least you could buy a CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitor) - this device is tracking your Glucose levels all the time and sending the data to an app where you can see how your glucose Level is right now, and how it has been in the past.
I highly advise you to purchase in such a tool and use it to measure your Blood sugar levels.
For Humans (but also for the Pancreas) it is actually very hard to maintain stable blood sugars. You have your insulin Shots you have to take at certain times a day with carbs.
But those shots are nowhere near in replacing the pancreas. They are not dynamically adjustable. Let’s say you have a meal with carbs - if you do not take the Insulin shot you have an issue because your blood sugars would go dangerously high…
So you have to take the Insulin shot with your glucose. Everything is fine at first - Your Glucose Levels normalize over the course of the next couple hours, as the insulin is taking the sugars into the cells…
But after a while your blood sugars will go very low - That is because your Inuslin Levels are too high still.
After your Glucose Levels have normalized, your Insulin Levels are still too high - so your Glucose levels will continue to drop for as long as you have Insulin in the blood that is taking the Glucose into the cells - now you are hypoglycemic.
Whenever this happens, this means your Insulin hormones are Not adjusted well to your actual Insulin needs. The amount of needed Insulin is dependent on many factors, like the most obvious how much Glucose you have been eating, but also on how much Insulin Resistant you are - and all the factors that influence the Glucose Levels.
The Need of Insulin is not a constant but is very dynamic. And whenever you do not match it well, you will get hypoglycemic or hyperglycemic.
Now coming to the good part - Your Pancreas still produce Insulin, which means it is alive and regenerate.
Right now it seems as if you are taking too much Insulin than you need, which is slowly making you more Insulin Resistant - This means your body is adjusting to the too high amounts of Insulin, by needing more Insulin to have the same effect of taking in glucose from the blood to the cells.
Fasting will help you with a couple Main mechanisms:
Mechanism #1:
By Fasting your body will go to a very low Insulin Level - as your body is switching from Glucose to Ketones to metabolize for Energy.
This has an theraputic effect on the cells of the body - this absence of Insulin is making the Cells more Insulin Sensitive.
Which means: Lower Levels of Insulin will have the same effect as higher levels of insulin right now.
Your body might be able to use its own Insulin even if it’s little to metabolize the glucose. But this won’t happen right away, you need to get to that level.
Mechanism #2:
The absence of external Insulin will also encourage your own pancreas to produce its own insulin. As if you externally provide the Insulin, the body won’t produce insulin, as this would be already too much.
Mechanism #3:
Also, Fasting will have a reboot effect on your Nervoussystem. If your pancreas are not damaged and just atrophied - this might be enough to heal by itself.
Mechanism #4:
While fasting the effect of autophagy as well as the flood of Stem Cells, Testosterone, HGH, and Regulation of inflammations will also have a healing effect on your entire body.
Now imagine what will happen after you have come to a point where you love yourself, have a calm Nervoussystem, and use your own spiritual powers to regenerate the body and focus the energies on your goal?
Now coming to the actual fasting: yes it is harder for you to fast than for other people as you will have to maintain stable blood sugars even while fasting.
When you fast, in the first 16 to 30 hours, depending on each body individually (how good the metabolism is and so on) your Insulin will go down naturally. When this has happened your body will use Ketones as a Main source of Energy. Every cell in your body can use Ketones, but some organs will still have a desire for some glucose.
This is why even when you are fasting for a long time - your body will still produce some glucose. This mechanism is called glucose neogenisis.
Your body will still produce glucose, depending on the circadian cycle (e.g. dawn effect: in the morning before we wake up, the body produces glucose and cortisol so we can start with energy into the day), even stress will trigger the Production of Glucose, as well as the temperature, like a hot shower - but you already noticed this I believe.
The solution to this is to constantly monitor your glucose levels and to mircrodose apply the right amount of Insulin to get the Blood sugars back down to around 4.2 - 4.6 mMol/L of glucose. (This is how my blood sugars usually is while fasting, yes, I measure it. As well as my ketones)
So the first step is to buy a CGM. And try to apply the right amount of Insuline so you do not get hyper or hypoglycemic over the day. See how your glucose levels react in certain situations, days, times, after what you eat.
Whenever you get hypoglycemic (blood sugar too low) this means you have too much insulin in the blood. Then you eat a bit of sugar (short chained Carbs) so you get the glucose in the blood fast. Don’t worry, you will not get fat from this - Insulin makes fat not the carbs. But too much glucose at once is bad for the Mitochondria and over time people develop mitochondria dysfunction (fat and unfit people).
Blood sugar too low?
-> eat a bit of sugar and take a look at your CGM (do not insert Insuline, you have insuline in the blood - this is why the glucose is getting low) Is glucose stable again?
Blood sugar too high?
-> Obvious: take the Insuline.
but think: So I have to take the entire shot? Or would this be too much?
You need to get feel for your blood sugars back down levels, I suspect the Insulin to be too high on a general basis.
You need to get a CGM and try to apply the insulin yourself at the eight amount - like a feedback loop.
There are CGMs (Continous Glucose Monitors) that give alarm when your Blood sugars are too high (hyperglycemic) or too low (hypoglycemic).
After you got the hang of this - you can safely try the prolonged fasting.
When you do the prolonged fasting, in addition to the CGM you would want to also measure and track your Ketone Levels.
The higher your Ketone Levels - The deeper you are into autophagy and the more your body will heal - and the more Insulin sensitive your cells will get.
But as I said, first you need to take control back of your nervous system. But while you are doing this, you can already traxk your Glucose levels with the CGM practice the Insulin/Glucose dosages and see how stress, times, days, foods and so on affect your Glucose Levels / Insulin Needs.
