jrvan said:
Meteor said:
I used to think the same as you not that long ago about what it actually means to be male, and it confused me greatly. I also used to be confused over what it meant to be a female, but I eventually worked that out. Then I was still left with the male problem and what it all means, and I didn't feel resolved internally until I figured it out and made my peace with it. Part of it for me was wounding. Being told what I can and can't do as a male, being shamed for this or that, not being allowed to express myself or my emotions, and feeling like my destiny was to be forced into being a carbon copy factory churned stone cold robot who just pays the bills and shuts up. Men aren't allowed to express themselves, and that's the biggest problem with all of it. I agree with the clothing thing, male clothes are boring. Look at 16th century clothing and you'll see how pathetic modern male wardrobes are. It's also emotions as we all know, and I've talked at length about previously. I also like male singers who can hit the high notes. There's this one band I used to listen to a lot called "The Darkness," and the vocalist would sing in head voice all the time. I thought it was so cool.
However, I will give you a hint. Being a male fundamentally has nothing to do with how you express yourself. That simply blocks males from accessing the feminine and feeling alive by expressing their souls. But being male is something else... and this is something I personally struggled with to accept for a long time. It has a lot to do with ownership and dominance. Males are conquerors. It's what we do, and it's natural. We conquer a territory and then we secure it and defend it. Defense of the territory, defense of the women, defense of the tribe. Society currently has a big issue with male ownership thanks to brainwashed feminists. A woman naturally wants the man in her life to take ownership of her. This is perfectly fine. It means she trusts him to protect her. The woman gives the man a family, and then the man protects the family that she gives him. This doesn't make the woman livestock as the deranged feminists claim, but a big part of overcoming this resistance towards malehood is dealing with this problem that we have thanks to those crazies about a woman being the property of the male. Society cringes at that idea right now, and it's understandable because of how males behaved towards women under xian influence through the centuries. Those are deep old wounds that the jews inflicted, but hardly anyone knows it was the jews. I digress. Back on the point... Dominance, ownership, defending the homeland, protecting what belongs to you. These are all things that fundamentally have to do with being a man. Obviously this is all from a heterosexual perspective, but it still applies to everyone regardless. It's an inherent thing for anyone with a male soul no matter what their sexual orientation is. Butting our heads against this is what causes this great inner confusion that many face, I strongly believe.
Gay, Bi, whatever. The male still will feel a responsibility towards his homeland and family, and the need to protect them as well as anything that belongs to him. It's natural for those who aren't disconnected from their true nature due to societal conditioning and brainwashing. Remember that keyword: ownership. Make your peace with that word, and know that it's okay to possess things. Nobody can stop you as long as you have the might to protect it once you have made it yours. Also if you didn't know this, there were Legionnaires who were gay or bi and it was known.
Males are also the deliverers of justice. It is usually primarily men who are most concerned with justice and calling out injustice in society. Men are responsible for defending, maintaining, and keeping society safe and righteous. It's not that women can't fulfill these roles as well if they want to, but these things are very important and close to the male spirit.
Something you also have to think about with motherhood is the child itself. I know you feel like you want to give children to your partner, and perhaps you feel like if you fail in that then you will be letting him down. And maybe you even fear that if you can't give him children then you won't have any value in his life, and maybe he won't want to be with you. But he's still with you through all of your struggles so far so I wouldn't worry. Just continue to have honest conversations with him since he seems very open to all of this, and even has astral experiences with you. And if you two ever did go your separate ways, you can know for a fact that you did bring great value to his life and did give him one of the greatest gifts possible. Something you wanted to have safely for yourself in the middle ages, it sounds like. You gave him the gift of spirituality, and knowing Father Satan. I'm sure his soul is very grateful to you for that.
But back to my point. A woman's body is designed to create and gift a new body for a soul to live in. This is a perfected process designed by nature. You have to think of the child, and if you could ever make a body for a soul that would be of the quality that is naturally given by women. It's not only about giving a family to the man, but also about giving a life and a temple for a soul to live in. The soul will need this temple to work through and advance itself. If the quality of the temple won't be of the level that the soul needs, or if the temple is unnatural or in some way defective, then would this gift not be considered a curse? That's if you can even truly achieve this. I'm not trying to instill doubt, but we just don't know. I personally think these desires of gays, trannies, and others to give birth to children are unnatural and wrongheaded. I don't think it would be good for the soul.
It's not only about you. It's also about the child. Just remember that. I also encourage you to further explore the obsession(s) you have and where they are coming from. You say it's your own, but you were influenced for a long time by entities from what you said. That could come with its fair share of programming. You're going to have to really try hard to be objective and neutral, and to separate yourself from these feelings in order to analyze them in the moment. Programming doesn't go away in a single day, you know this. To be sure that you are in alignment with Truth both objectively and internally regarding yourself, you should really explore this as far as you can while asking yourself all of the tough questions no matter how painful or frightening.
It's good to have dreams and goals. But if this isn't ultimately what is best for you or even good for you then maybe it's time to consider dreaming a different dream. Letting go can be hard, but sometimes it leads to something much better and fulfilling.
"Responsibility" has always been a word I dislike a bit. Not because I don't like taking responsibility for the things that are really important to me; in fact, I love to. But because it often felt like people were trying to force it on me when I didn't want it.
More precisely, it's other people's expectations of me that I always really struggled with.
To others it must've looked as though I was constantly switching between being an overachiever and an underachiever. For a school assignment many years ago, I had to review a piece of classical music of my choice. I happened to hear a really beautiful classical piece on the radio, and bought a CD of it. I was so moved by it, that I poetically paraphrased the themes of the song, how each distinct part of it made me feel, and what kind of visuals it evoked, and handed it in for the assignment. I was the first person to get a perfect grade for that assignment in all of this teacher's years, and since then he's used it as an example of a "perfect review" in his classes. Now the students who knew me back then probably think I'm some kind of musical genius, even though I
just happened to like that piece a lot and wanted to write about it. I've never even reviewed another song since then, since that isn't really something I'm interested in.
For another assignment, I had to pick a random subject and write a paper about it. I chose a rather complicated mathematical subject that I'd been wondering about for a few years and went all out on it, and found many fascinating relations between seemingly unrelated mathematical functions, as well as ways to utilise them. The teacher had to send it to university to get it checked because it was above his own level, and it came back with a perfect grade, after which it was again shown to all the classes the next years as a "perfect research paper". At a school party, like 8 guys from different classes came up to me to offer me alcohol, asking me questions like when I'm going to solve one of the million dollar maths problems, and what I would do if they invested 100k in me. How am I even supposed to answer that? I didn't even know yet what kind of work I wanted to do, and there's a reason why those problems are unanswered despite having such a large bounty. I
just happened to be interested in the topic I wrote the paper about. That's all.
Even when people didn't approach me directly, I still felt the weight of their expectations, while knowing that I can't / don't want to live up to them. I just want to do whatever seems interesting to me, like I've always done. At times, this was enough to make me depressed as I felt so inadequate compared to what people expected from me, leading me to get low grades because I couldn't focus anymore.
The expectations people had of me for being male were also something that weighed on me heavily, or so I thought. But even when people started to perceive me as a woman, they still had so many expectations of me; that's why I felt so inadequate for years. In the end, I realised that all I needed all along was someone with realistic expectations of me who loves me as I really am, such as my fiancé. What strangers think doesn't really matter. It's not like they're going to kill me in this day and age just for not adhering to stereotypes.
As for conquering and ownership, my ideal has always been to give my everything to someone I love, and receive their everything in return. It's a mutual thing. Just as I would fight with everything I have in order to protect the person I love, I expect him to do the same for me as well. But this could simply be explained by my astrological placements which put a heavy emphasis on such things, rather than whether I'm male or female. Is it really so unusual for a woman to be protective over her partner? I wouldn't think so, looking at Tabby. In the end, isn't this too just one of the expectations people have, that doesn't always hold up?
Many of the things that are attributed to being male or female are really just so arbitrary. I
just happen to like many of the things people associate with being a woman. That's just how I am as a person, and how I fit into this society's arbitrary standards.
A few weeks after I dedicated, before I did that working that changed how I feel deep down, I did past life regression for the first time, because I wanted to understand why I want to be female, and felt like the past might hold the answers. That's when I remembered my trauma, and partially overcame it as I realised people wouldn't kill me just for being a gay guy these days. Then I began to wonder what I would do differently if I was a guy, and the answer I found was... "nothing". I would still want all the same things I want now, just worry a bit less about living up to some arbitrary standard of a "woman". It was a bizarre realisation.
I actually mentioned to my partner that I wondered if maybe I was just a guy deep down, that
just happens to like having breasts, wearing feminine clothes, having a cute voice, having long hair, using hormone supplements since they help with my skin, bone, hair and breast health, and wants to have surgery because it would make sex more convenient for me as I find anal sex a bit icky. He was shocked and reacted very negatively, saying he hopes I'm joking, because he's straight and there's no way he could love a guy. I asked him what difference it makes; am I not still the same person deep down, with the exact same looks? He said it makes all the difference. I panicked and backpedaled, saying that maybe he's right and I'm really just a woman deep down, and explaining that I only thought about this because it felt like a burden to live up to such a standard, and I wondered if considering myself a guy might make things a bit easier on me mentally, but that I actually like being called a woman anyway, so it may have been a silly thought.
A few weeks later, he brought it up again, saying he thought about it more and realised that things like "gay" or "straight" are only stupid labels; that he loves me for who I am, and that that includes my body as well. If I really wanted to call myself a guy, he would be fine with that. I had also thought about it more, in particular what I want in the future, and I realised I would prefer to be female if it's at all possible, for example in my future lifetimes; so I said I think I prefer being called a woman after all. Then when that working I did had the side effect of making me not feel ashamed of my dick anymore, I asked him if he could touch it; but due to it feeling like it's inside out, it was so uncomfortable that I started crying so he stopped. But he didn't seem to mind it himself. Whereas he used to have a clear preference for me having surgery, it seems like he would embrace me completely now, even my male parts down there. When I asked him about it recently, he said he just wants me to feel comfortable in my body, and that he hopes surgery will help me with that.
I truly believe my fiancé and I are perfect for each other, even regardless of what sex I am. As such, I have no intention of separating ways with him; that would only be a waste. And to be honest, he doesn't actually even seem that interested in having children. When his niece stayed over last year, he said children can be such a pain to deal with at times, and I suppose he isn't exactly wrong. That I felt so inadequate for being unable to provide him with children... Perhaps that feeling was a bit misplaced.
But a few months after I did that working, I became more aware of my own child wish. Creating a human life from within me with the person I love, nourishing it and helping him or her grow into a full-fledged person someday, to create a happy family; that just seems like such a beautiful thing to me. I want to do it. I have an
urge to. Do you think that's... strange?
Someone on the forums recommended that I try to reach out to Lilith, but I felt very nervous. If She's the exaltation of the feminine divine, and the patron of strong women, then what would She think of an incomplete mix like me, with all my shortcomings? As I worried about that, to the point of tearing up, I suddenly felt a very powerful, feminine, motherly presence, and it felt like She was trying to tell me not to worry so much. Then She appeared to me again more clearly in the evening, and I asked some questions. It felt as though She was trying to reassure me that wanting to be a mother is nothing to be ashamed of at all. The next morning, five butterflies landed near me, four peacock butterflies and one monarch; perhaps a sign alluding to how Lilith is said to be the "favourite of Satan's five wives" (I don't know whether this is literal or allegorical, but it's mentioned on Her page on JoS).
While I know not to take such experiences at face value, it still made me think. I realised that if this is truly something that I want, then I should go about it as seriously as possible, and do everything I can to make sure that the life I create is beautiful and healthy. Just as I aced that music review and mathematical research paper because I was passionate about them, if I want to bring life into this world, then I will aim to create flawless circumstances for it to grow within my body and Soul, and a flawless environment for my children to grow up in. That's the least I can do, and it's not something I take lightly anymore. That's why I agree now that artificial wombs aren't something that humanity needs. Even if I'll defy expectations, I should at least do it properly, and properly be a mother for my child.
As for whether it's possible, while I've never seen it for myself, I've seen some people here claim that those who have completed a certain step of the Magnum Opus are able to regrow lost limbs. Limbs are normally only grown during the early stages of fetal development, just like reproductive organs, and under normal circumstances they won't end up growing if they were absent at birth, nor will they regrow if they were lost. The Y chromosome is very small and mainly just contains the SRY gene, of which the only function is to turn the ovaries into testes. The testes then produce anti-Müllerian hormone which prevent the development of a uterus, as well as testosterone. The testosterone then gets metabolised into dihydrotestosterone, which causes the labia to fuse to form a scrotum, and causes the clitoris to grow into a penis while redirecting the urethra through it. There is at least one documented case of a person with XY chromosomes with a condition called complete androgen insensitivity (which makes the body completely unresponsive to testosterone and dihydrotestosterone), who also happened not to produce enough anti-Müllerian hormone, causing her to be be born with a vagina, internal testes, and a tiny womb. Through female hormone therapy in adulthood, her womb grew to full size, and she was able to bear children and give birth to twins with the help of an egg donor and her husband's sperm.
In other words, if it's possible to regrow body parts from early fetal development, like people claim is possible with the help of a certain step of the Magnum Opus, and I manage to reach such a point, then it's only a matter of deactivating or inhibiting the SRY gene in my body. Doing so would cause me to grow a uterus and ovaries, as well as the necessary connective structures, which would grow to full size under the effects of estrogen, which I can get from hormone therapy. It's also possible that this step of the Magnum Opus (regrowing lost body parts) can be activated biologically instead with the help of advanced medical technology. As for the spiritual requirements for creating and growing a Soul inside of me, if it turns out that I do not meet them already, then I can try to work towards a point where I do. Perhaps I would even receive help with that if I need it, as long as I'm truly serious about this.
It's true that I still don't understand where some of my wishes come from. For example, I can't explain well why I want to have children. But if you want to have children too, then... can you explain it? Can you explain why you believe your child wish is "right", and why my child wish is "wrong"? Sorry for putting it in such a blunt way, I know that's probably not what you really mean here. But what I mean to say is, is it not simply in a person's nature to be driven by certain desires? Have I lost the right to say that, because my nature changed?
Although it's enjoyable to indulge my obsessions, and it has often led me to achieve things that others considered impressive, I'll take heed to what you said about programming. It's true that I was hardly even a person until a few years ago; I was always controlled by my surroundings, whether it was other people or the planets and stars. That said, since I dedicated, I've often thought about how I want to proceed in the future; letting go of my past, my connections with other people, and as many preconceptions as I can of what it even means to be a man or a woman, just focusing on what circumstances make me the happiest. But each time, I conclude again that the ideal future I want, is no different from me being a woman in just about every way; and even if hypothetically that isn't possible, then I still prefer the way I am now over trying to go back.
I asked my Guardian for advice as well a week after I dedicated, but all I could make out is that I should try to be more masculine. I asked if that meant I shouldn't have surgery, but I didn't sense a reply. I didn't know what to do with that information at first, but after I did a Sun Square last year to further strengthen my will and sense of self, I started to realise what She meant. No matter what I am, I should never reject any part of myself. Rather than worrying if I'm too masculine or feminine, I should just do what I really want to without overthinking it so much. Whether people perceive that as male or female is only their observation, and what people think of me will never change what I truly am: myself. So I should always be true to myself, because that's all I am and all I need to be.
Until then, I was so out of touch with my masculine side that it was a detriment to my spiritual power and health. Simply by no longer rejecting it, I became stronger both spiritually and as a person, and I even felt much more energetic and healthier physically. I used to be afraid that if I was too masculine, that would make me more "male", and undo all of my hard work towards becoming more "female". But now I realise that none of those things change what I am anyway. I'm not afraid anymore.
Earlier this year, I asked my Guardian for advice again. I asked Her if my decision to become female is efficient and worthwhile, and if it will lead to a good future for me. She said that while it wasn't the only path I could've taken, it's still one of the paths that will make me fulfilled in the long term. I asked if surgery would have bad consequences for me. I saw visions of the future, showing that there would be no complications, and I could tell that I would be happy with the results. I asked what She meant when She said a year ago that I should try to be more masculine, and She explained that I should accept both sides of myself regardless of what I am or what my body is like; to reject either side would only make me unbalanced and incomplete, and hinder my spiritual growth. I also asked why She didn't answer when I asked a year ago whether I should have surgery or not, and She said that I shouldn't ask someone to make that decision for me; I should think for myself about what I want to do and follow through, and I'll be fine either way.
I hope it's not an issue that I wrote such a long wall of text; I just felt like addressing everything you brought up, in detail.
When it comes down to it, all I can do is my best; that is sufficient. Rather than feeling pressured to live up to anything, I will strive towards the things I want deep down, and if I achieve them, then that's wonderful; but even if I get stuck on anything, my fiancé and my Guardian Demoness will still be there for me. When it comes down to it, that's all I really need anyway.