This will be a bit long, I apologize. (I’m just hoping to give insight into the issue, not narrate my entire life I promise! :lol
I have been struggling mentally ever since I was a child and realized something wasn’t quite right, but since around May of last year, things have drastically worsened. I don’t know if the last 8 months is due to this problem from my birth, or something else. But I’ll start at the beginning. I was born several months premature, in an induced labor (my parents tell me the umbilical cord was around my neck). I seemed to progress and grow normally and aside from constant ear infections, and being a stressed out freaking anxious mess as a kid, and having a somewhat large head lol, I grew and developed fairly normally. But the story of what happened has tortured me my entire life. I woke up so many times I remember in a panic as a kid, “What if I’m severely retarded and just don’t realize it?? What if I have some condition I will die from someday, because of this medical mishap??” And that evolved into, I remember, lots of anger. Anger at the doctor for not being able to prevent this (I don’t know for sure what happened, it may have been inevitable) angry at my parents for somehow letting this happen (my dad lamented he wanted the doctor to induce much sooner, as they had all seen the problems in ultrasounds I guess)… angry that I didn’t just die that day, etc. I don’t know why, but it really has messed me up and I have never been able to let it go and stop overreacting mentally to this. As a kid I even wanted to die, and not be different like that or risk finding out someday that I, I don’t know, had half a brain or something. I considered suicide often, even then. And especially as I got older. I haven’t really talked to anyone about this, even my doctors or therapist I use to have. I just felt like it was BS the umbilical cord thing, that it is impossible for a baby to be oxygen deprived when they aren’t breathing through their lungs in utero. That I must have had a massive stroke or something or that my brain exploded. That my parents aren’t telling me the truth etc etc constant brooding over it.
Eventually in my mid 20’s I did just kind of realize, that mentally I seem perfectly fine and sound. I graduated, had no issues with school or learning. Socially awkward at times and I’m certainly not the smartest person around, but I manage fine. I kind of just move on from that and started living life. I found JoS and started studying. I found a good wife and had two great kids. Everything was fine I mostly forgot about it. Til last year. I randomly had a panic attack in the shower after work, it had been so long since I had one of those I didn’t realize what was happening. It sounds ridiculous, but in the shower there, I just figured time was up and that I was dying and kind of made peace with it :lol: it really does sound so nonsensical typing this.. but anyway after that panic attack in May, I had a few more that week for no obvious reason. I started stressing about the smallest things, like my heart moving in my chest, if I was going to have a stroke, if I had MS. The smallest things stressed me out. That progressed into constant fear that raised my blood pressure even. I went to the local urgent care. They had me lay down and breathe and my blood pressure went back to normal. They said it was anxiety.
From there it progressed, it became day after day of intrusive thoughts and just realizing things like we are all dying, I’m going to die, life is over, etc. I would have thoughts come into my head of ridiculous things such as “When I die, what will happen to my kids. How will I protect them. What if there IS NO afterlife or reincarnation, what if I die and am brought back to live the same life always mentally retarded and in panic mode just to suffer again!! What if my kids die before me, or what if it’s all in my head and I stress myself out and end up dying because of that! Then my kids are without a father thanks to my foolishness” Again, sorry for how long this is. It’s just thoughts like these that so quickly and consistently formulate in my mind almost of their own doing, and it is so very difficult to not think about them. It’s compulsion at this point. And it’s ruining my life. It’s gotten to the point that I can physically feel a dark cloud following me, my head physically feels dark and dirty. When I get really stressed, around bedtime, I begin to feel as if I don’t exist. That I’ve already died and that nothing is real. It’s hard to describe but it is so overwhelming and feels helpless. I get so freaked out, that I’m fearful of my own mind and thoughts. It’s as if my imagination has taken control or as if I’m half asleep and in a dream like state. My limbs don’t even feel like they belong to me. It feels as if I’ve had a stroke and am relearning how to do everything all over again every day.
I saw my primary physician, and like the urgent care clinic before him, he chalked it up to anxiety and recommended eating more regularly. He thought it could be hypoglycemia from running and not eating enough. I took his advice but changed care providers. This new doctor, she told me it is anxiety and depression. And she prescribed antidepressants. I’ve used those many years ago but refused this time. I want to fix this on my own without medicine or side effects, I remember the side effects being horrible. I wanted an MRI to look for a brain tumor (or missing brain lol as frightening as that would be, I’ve decided I’m ready to see for myself) or a CT scan. She reminded me how expensive that is, and said to try the antidepressants before she would recommend that. So now I am trying to figure out what to do next. Ever since that panic attack things have just consistently compounded in a negative way.
Have any of you had similar experiences? Do you think it is something serious? If you deduced what was going haywire, was it just anxiety for you? Could it be something from birth? I try to stay very grounded with Yoga and void meditation and try to think logically, so I work to avoid thinking it could be some kind of possession or paranormal workings, though when the thoughts get intense and disturbing, my mind almost shows psychotic symptoms and I believe it could be negative energy or something or some curse and I start panicking and supposing it could be possession, or from drinking the tap water where I live (shared well with all my neighbors houses right next to the well house, their septics all within 30 feet…. I have decided to stop drinking the water here).
I am really just desperate for help. Like I said I haven’t talked to anyone about the problems of my birth and thoughts as a kid, and haven’t spoken to my family about this. I don’t want them to be stressed about it I want to be strong for them. So it’s kind of embarrassing sharing all these details, and I’m sure it’s a pain for you to read through it. I just wanted to get it out there off my chest, and give you any details that would help. I’ve read and seen amazing posts from my family here helping each other, and some great success in you guys helping others with their medical issues.
I stay grounded with Yoga and breathing techniques. I have been using the Ram mantra from Mantra Yoga and Primal sound, to comfort and warm my mind, and I continue running daily. I admit I do NOT do Kundalini yoga any longer (for now) and I have slowed raising energies with Satanas, as my mind starts racing that I am somehow exacerbating the problem and becoming ungrounded and unhinged. I also have been getting more sleep and going to bed much earlier. This has helped with the depression at night. I have been considering doing Valefor’s ritual, but I really want to fix this myself without throwing my personal problems on him. I already am throwing the burden on others as it is, finally making a post asking for help.
Any help is GREATLY appreciated
I have been struggling mentally ever since I was a child and realized something wasn’t quite right, but since around May of last year, things have drastically worsened. I don’t know if the last 8 months is due to this problem from my birth, or something else. But I’ll start at the beginning. I was born several months premature, in an induced labor (my parents tell me the umbilical cord was around my neck). I seemed to progress and grow normally and aside from constant ear infections, and being a stressed out freaking anxious mess as a kid, and having a somewhat large head lol, I grew and developed fairly normally. But the story of what happened has tortured me my entire life. I woke up so many times I remember in a panic as a kid, “What if I’m severely retarded and just don’t realize it?? What if I have some condition I will die from someday, because of this medical mishap??” And that evolved into, I remember, lots of anger. Anger at the doctor for not being able to prevent this (I don’t know for sure what happened, it may have been inevitable) angry at my parents for somehow letting this happen (my dad lamented he wanted the doctor to induce much sooner, as they had all seen the problems in ultrasounds I guess)… angry that I didn’t just die that day, etc. I don’t know why, but it really has messed me up and I have never been able to let it go and stop overreacting mentally to this. As a kid I even wanted to die, and not be different like that or risk finding out someday that I, I don’t know, had half a brain or something. I considered suicide often, even then. And especially as I got older. I haven’t really talked to anyone about this, even my doctors or therapist I use to have. I just felt like it was BS the umbilical cord thing, that it is impossible for a baby to be oxygen deprived when they aren’t breathing through their lungs in utero. That I must have had a massive stroke or something or that my brain exploded. That my parents aren’t telling me the truth etc etc constant brooding over it.
Eventually in my mid 20’s I did just kind of realize, that mentally I seem perfectly fine and sound. I graduated, had no issues with school or learning. Socially awkward at times and I’m certainly not the smartest person around, but I manage fine. I kind of just move on from that and started living life. I found JoS and started studying. I found a good wife and had two great kids. Everything was fine I mostly forgot about it. Til last year. I randomly had a panic attack in the shower after work, it had been so long since I had one of those I didn’t realize what was happening. It sounds ridiculous, but in the shower there, I just figured time was up and that I was dying and kind of made peace with it :lol: it really does sound so nonsensical typing this.. but anyway after that panic attack in May, I had a few more that week for no obvious reason. I started stressing about the smallest things, like my heart moving in my chest, if I was going to have a stroke, if I had MS. The smallest things stressed me out. That progressed into constant fear that raised my blood pressure even. I went to the local urgent care. They had me lay down and breathe and my blood pressure went back to normal. They said it was anxiety.
From there it progressed, it became day after day of intrusive thoughts and just realizing things like we are all dying, I’m going to die, life is over, etc. I would have thoughts come into my head of ridiculous things such as “When I die, what will happen to my kids. How will I protect them. What if there IS NO afterlife or reincarnation, what if I die and am brought back to live the same life always mentally retarded and in panic mode just to suffer again!! What if my kids die before me, or what if it’s all in my head and I stress myself out and end up dying because of that! Then my kids are without a father thanks to my foolishness” Again, sorry for how long this is. It’s just thoughts like these that so quickly and consistently formulate in my mind almost of their own doing, and it is so very difficult to not think about them. It’s compulsion at this point. And it’s ruining my life. It’s gotten to the point that I can physically feel a dark cloud following me, my head physically feels dark and dirty. When I get really stressed, around bedtime, I begin to feel as if I don’t exist. That I’ve already died and that nothing is real. It’s hard to describe but it is so overwhelming and feels helpless. I get so freaked out, that I’m fearful of my own mind and thoughts. It’s as if my imagination has taken control or as if I’m half asleep and in a dream like state. My limbs don’t even feel like they belong to me. It feels as if I’ve had a stroke and am relearning how to do everything all over again every day.
I saw my primary physician, and like the urgent care clinic before him, he chalked it up to anxiety and recommended eating more regularly. He thought it could be hypoglycemia from running and not eating enough. I took his advice but changed care providers. This new doctor, she told me it is anxiety and depression. And she prescribed antidepressants. I’ve used those many years ago but refused this time. I want to fix this on my own without medicine or side effects, I remember the side effects being horrible. I wanted an MRI to look for a brain tumor (or missing brain lol as frightening as that would be, I’ve decided I’m ready to see for myself) or a CT scan. She reminded me how expensive that is, and said to try the antidepressants before she would recommend that. So now I am trying to figure out what to do next. Ever since that panic attack things have just consistently compounded in a negative way.
Have any of you had similar experiences? Do you think it is something serious? If you deduced what was going haywire, was it just anxiety for you? Could it be something from birth? I try to stay very grounded with Yoga and void meditation and try to think logically, so I work to avoid thinking it could be some kind of possession or paranormal workings, though when the thoughts get intense and disturbing, my mind almost shows psychotic symptoms and I believe it could be negative energy or something or some curse and I start panicking and supposing it could be possession, or from drinking the tap water where I live (shared well with all my neighbors houses right next to the well house, their septics all within 30 feet…. I have decided to stop drinking the water here).
I am really just desperate for help. Like I said I haven’t talked to anyone about the problems of my birth and thoughts as a kid, and haven’t spoken to my family about this. I don’t want them to be stressed about it I want to be strong for them. So it’s kind of embarrassing sharing all these details, and I’m sure it’s a pain for you to read through it. I just wanted to get it out there off my chest, and give you any details that would help. I’ve read and seen amazing posts from my family here helping each other, and some great success in you guys helping others with their medical issues.
I stay grounded with Yoga and breathing techniques. I have been using the Ram mantra from Mantra Yoga and Primal sound, to comfort and warm my mind, and I continue running daily. I admit I do NOT do Kundalini yoga any longer (for now) and I have slowed raising energies with Satanas, as my mind starts racing that I am somehow exacerbating the problem and becoming ungrounded and unhinged. I also have been getting more sleep and going to bed much earlier. This has helped with the depression at night. I have been considering doing Valefor’s ritual, but I really want to fix this myself without throwing my personal problems on him. I already am throwing the burden on others as it is, finally making a post asking for help.
Any help is GREATLY appreciated
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