MercuryWisdom
Well-known member
I’m a very sexual person, I respect sex, I love it, adore it, and I know it’s sacred. This shows on my chart, a keen interest and passion in sex.
Unfortunately, I grew up very lonely and in a country where sex before marriage is strictly taboo and I was never able to explore this part of myself properly, despite my love and passion for it.
I loved watching sexually suggestive content when I was 8 and started watching porn when I was 10.
I also had very tough home situation and emotional issues growing up and I was very lonely too, always a recluse because I was interested in the occult, the arts, and not football.
So I turned to porn for an escape, as any male teenager would start at this phase of teenagehood as well as having sex.
But it was much worse for me and it turned into a behavior that’s honestly scary to describe and it’s hard to describe, it goes against all my values.
I just decided today, I would permanently quit. I never understood why it had such a hold on me when it wasn’t even pleasurable anymore. I just wanted to feel nothing at all.
I hated feeling this overwhelming loneliness, so I wanted to try and numb it and kill it.
I did my shadow work, and I’m more aware of why I still turned to this vile action that grows more degenerate by the day.
I was inspired to write on it a little. It’s no poetic masterpiece, I wasn’t trying to make it beautiful like my other poetry because it’s not born out of love, just release. The english is also very shaky.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this on the forums, but I was just called to write and share this here, maybe someone understands.
“You were a sweet trance I had when I was young, the times where I was made to believe I was exploring myself, I felt I was doing something wrong but I loved every second of it.
A quietness from the noise and chaos happening in the home I was raised in.
A small glimpse of freedom, desire, and the lust that I very much adored but could never fulfill or reach.
Then you turned into a stinging bandaid to my painful loneliness.
You were a pain killer, and I felt all the pain a child shouldn’t feel, I was broken and alone so I overdosed on you till you broke me more.
People have such thrilling stories to tell with addiction, there’s always action or thrill in people’s escapes. I’m ashamed to say you were my escape.
Just me in my room, hurting myself and killing my drive over and over to escape it all.
You made me overdose on shame, stole my energy, youth, and freedom.
It’s a toxic relationship and I hate you for it because I turned to you when I had no one. I needed an escape, and I needed you to be good to me.
But you turned into a dark filthy monster that’s never satisfied, ruining me more and more.
When I try to quit you haunt my dreams with all the filth, darkness, and blackness. You drown me in all the emotions I tried to escape using you.
I fucking hate you, and I’m breaking up with you. It’s been 10 years and I’m killing you for good.
I don’t need you anymore, not because I’m not in pain, but because I don’t trust you with my pain anymore. You only take and take, you enjoy my suffering then you make me enjoy it too.
I’m done, I’m lonely but I’m done, I’m in pain but I’m done, I’m not loved but I’m done. I’m not coming to you numb the pain anymore. I’m fine with it by myself.”
Unfortunately, I grew up very lonely and in a country where sex before marriage is strictly taboo and I was never able to explore this part of myself properly, despite my love and passion for it.
I loved watching sexually suggestive content when I was 8 and started watching porn when I was 10.
I also had very tough home situation and emotional issues growing up and I was very lonely too, always a recluse because I was interested in the occult, the arts, and not football.
So I turned to porn for an escape, as any male teenager would start at this phase of teenagehood as well as having sex.
But it was much worse for me and it turned into a behavior that’s honestly scary to describe and it’s hard to describe, it goes against all my values.
I just decided today, I would permanently quit. I never understood why it had such a hold on me when it wasn’t even pleasurable anymore. I just wanted to feel nothing at all.
I hated feeling this overwhelming loneliness, so I wanted to try and numb it and kill it.
I did my shadow work, and I’m more aware of why I still turned to this vile action that grows more degenerate by the day.
I was inspired to write on it a little. It’s no poetic masterpiece, I wasn’t trying to make it beautiful like my other poetry because it’s not born out of love, just release. The english is also very shaky.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this on the forums, but I was just called to write and share this here, maybe someone understands.
“You were a sweet trance I had when I was young, the times where I was made to believe I was exploring myself, I felt I was doing something wrong but I loved every second of it.
A quietness from the noise and chaos happening in the home I was raised in.
A small glimpse of freedom, desire, and the lust that I very much adored but could never fulfill or reach.
Then you turned into a stinging bandaid to my painful loneliness.
You were a pain killer, and I felt all the pain a child shouldn’t feel, I was broken and alone so I overdosed on you till you broke me more.
People have such thrilling stories to tell with addiction, there’s always action or thrill in people’s escapes. I’m ashamed to say you were my escape.
Just me in my room, hurting myself and killing my drive over and over to escape it all.
You made me overdose on shame, stole my energy, youth, and freedom.
It’s a toxic relationship and I hate you for it because I turned to you when I had no one. I needed an escape, and I needed you to be good to me.
But you turned into a dark filthy monster that’s never satisfied, ruining me more and more.
When I try to quit you haunt my dreams with all the filth, darkness, and blackness. You drown me in all the emotions I tried to escape using you.
I fucking hate you, and I’m breaking up with you. It’s been 10 years and I’m killing you for good.
I don’t need you anymore, not because I’m not in pain, but because I don’t trust you with my pain anymore. You only take and take, you enjoy my suffering then you make me enjoy it too.
I’m done, I’m lonely but I’m done, I’m in pain but I’m done, I’m not loved but I’m done. I’m not coming to you numb the pain anymore. I’m fine with it by myself.”
