You know what I'll just leave. Not out of spite or hate or whatever but it seems like Blitz said my issues stem from something far worse. Which I've entertained probably since a child.
Astrological my Saturn is strong in a few places as well as having several squares i.e. what is known as frustrated or diminished development.
As for you Blitz around 2001 I recall delving into things like Binaural Beats like the Brainwave generator website. Old website probably originally from late '99 I believe it was called BWGen or BW Generator. Not the first nor only generator but one that seemed to most famous. I've been involved with the internet with things like TOTSE(Temple of the Screaming Electron). And other places of alternative information.
I've at least been involved with psychological stuff since early I recall going to a psycho-therapist in '96 but funny most of the time she spent talking to my parents. We went a few sessions and basically said I'm brainwashed and in some form of misunderstanding or confused state of mind.
Sheer fact is as far as I've been on the internet I've researched as far as I can possibly be trance, hypnosis, and other forms of mental manipulation. I literally believed I can create a new person from as young as I can contemplate as I reached my pre-teens. I wanted to become a different person.
I wanted to change. I wanted to load up all this stuff of hypnosis and manipulate myself into doing stuff. For example saying whatever or getting involved with something. Eventually I gave up as I said to myself am I lying to myself or am I genuinely manipulating me. I try the trance it doesn't work, I try the affirmations they don't work.
I'm not manipulating myself to do things. In essence I always wanted to command myself like a robot. Improve myself, as far as I can remember I was always a broken person. So I stepped up and with the internet I wanted to become a better person and do whatever I wanted. I always viewed the human condition as being a robotic command that can change on the fly. Turns out that never happened and I just carried on. Just contemplate and think about it merely as a fantasy.
Frankly with lucid dreaming and astral projection I was like yipee freedom I can go out and do whatever I want just like I think whatever I want in my mind only this time it's involved with my entire body being released out to the astral.
Maybe some people don't like literal spiritual effects. I mean as far as I can contemplate on meditation I thought meditation was a drug time a fun time to experience something away from this hellhole called life.
My body feels like a prison and to me getting involved with hypnosis or LD/AP was like whoa finally some real freedom away from this boring shithole life.
I don't know if it's birth trauma or activating self defenses or some incident when I was young. But Blitz your absolutely correct in telling me I got issues. In fact I probably should leave in case I get worse. But your right involving with hypno. Still I feel like it's all fake. If I ever get in a hypnotic state I want to remain in a state whereby I don't feel my body. Not dying but completely away from my physical vessel as it's just a pain to exist in.
TLDR: As far as I can I wanted to change the internet helped me tremendously finding all this stuff. But again it proved just like getting involved with Jelqing and other things. As far back as I can see since before pre-teen age I broke gear teethes and the mechanism got broken.
I simply wanted to command myself like a robot and simply do whatever I wanted. But somehow that doesn't work and some mechanism is in the way preventing me from controlling myself. For me LD/AP/Meditation were seen as drugs to simply experience a new frontier. Hell if I could meditate like I fantasized I'd be doing it for as many hours as possible simply to pass the time and explore the Universe whether it is the micro or macro cosmic.
Simply for me spirituality = fun and enjoyment. Unfortunately that didn't happen and rather quite the opposite if anything it drives me crazy just to calm down.
I suppose years earlier in school saying stuff like I hate school, I hate life, I hate breathing, I hate eating, and basically adopting a negative attitude hurt me.
So I'll make this one final post. I'm simply trying to help myself maybe some day I can return back to this website. It's my decision okay. So please don't fret much on it. I'm not trying to come off as negative. I'm actually quite assured of this.
So this is my final post. Thanks guys and gals I'll still check up on the forums but I knew my instinct on ProPHP fit with A-Forums as well, don't join.
BTW mind if I mention a suggestion. Can one of the mods or Blitzkreig mention to HP.Cobra to set up a Off-Topic subforum. That way people can post off-topic and not have simply everything crammed into General666 forum?
I don't know much on Loki88 but he suggested things like drink your own piss and whatnot.
I don't know what is up with him but he seems like genuinely misinformed person. I would not be surprised if he is into kindergarten safety scissor safe occultism. I don't know what is up with him but I got the thoughts that maybe he is like Tom Araya + Alice Cooper = Both Catholics both expressing similar things wanting a more liberal and less preachy bible thumping Catholicism. I know Cooper was a long time Catholic and same for Araya but I do recall both of them mentioning similar things like just because I look like a rebellious rocker guy doesn't mean I don't read the bible and am religious in my own way.
I think Loki88 was simply a new ager with a sprinkle of Odinism in his quest for a safe occult.