I live and know jehova witnesses almost all my life.I wont waste your time with my whole story.
In short.I started to doubt my faith first between 2014-2017 and i got diagnosed with schizophrenia back then i had first encounter with joyofSatan site but back ten i was only thinking about enslaving him for my own sake i know arrogance through the roof i even thought that today and i got punished for that already and i learned my lesson.To be honest i never was doubting anything in christianity because i never give 100% to analyse anything i wasnt paying attention to any bible study for all my 28 year old life and i was studying bible with them from when i was 7years old and got baptised at 2013 at age of 17 yet somehow it still burned up in my mind like hot iron rod and change all my live in favor od christianity.So what happened you will ask?I had contact with pornography since 4 years old and i battle addiction to masturbation since then to this day and i thought god will never love me and he do not helps me because of that but time went by and i said to myself ,,im gonna work hard to earn gods love" so i did i tried hard i become preacher and after a year i got baptised but i didnt feel any better basicaly i became non active since early 2014 just before gaining 18 years old at 14.04.2014(funny number coincidence right?).I was not active since then till like 3 moths agoo when i started preaching again and working on building jehova witness congregation meeting halls because i thought that God doesnt give me his spirit because i wasnt fully commited but nothing changed again.Even after i had 56 days of full abstinention during stay in mental hospital nothing changed but then i started to grow stronger in logical thinking and i was sharing my bible understanding and i started to see that the governing body in my organisation was mistaken in many analyses of bible and they were inconsistent with their arguments.In one place they use some argument but when i tried to use same way of thinking to other scriptures i just looked like a heretic.But the most important thing that make bighes difference that when i was using my new found inteligence to justify bible in favour of jehova witnesses everyone started to see it and i felt each time i was preparing for our meetings i was literaly feeling like my spritual energy was drained like i had some kind of parasite.And that was it and now im sure its me that have problem or there is something wrong with this organisation.
I just wanna make it clear my whole life i was believing that Satan and Demons are evil and cruel so its insane hard for me to not fear them and to trust them.But when i began to check stuff on JoyofSatan site then some of bible scriptures started to adds up.On example the part when Adam said that Ewe is ,,finally bone from my bones" and since i know now that first wife of Adam was Lilith then it makes finally sense.
Im terrobly sorry for my writing,grammar and english but i have huge memory problems and struggle real hard to focus so please have some mercy.
And right now i never was so miserableni fell in a hole of doubting everything and its still hard for me to face reality that most if not all stuff i learned might be pure lies.
I really need some help and guidance but i dont want to praise Satan official until im mentaly,physicaly and spiritualy healthy eunough to face enemies.Because i live in christian country(Poland) and im surrunded by christians from everywhere and if im not carefull enough( i live with parents,yea i know a looser) i will be forced to go back to mental hospital where i will be forced to take pills that do not help with anything since i take them and that is from 2017.
Any advice for me have a value of gold right now.
In short.I started to doubt my faith first between 2014-2017 and i got diagnosed with schizophrenia back then i had first encounter with joyofSatan site but back ten i was only thinking about enslaving him for my own sake i know arrogance through the roof i even thought that today and i got punished for that already and i learned my lesson.To be honest i never was doubting anything in christianity because i never give 100% to analyse anything i wasnt paying attention to any bible study for all my 28 year old life and i was studying bible with them from when i was 7years old and got baptised at 2013 at age of 17 yet somehow it still burned up in my mind like hot iron rod and change all my live in favor od christianity.So what happened you will ask?I had contact with pornography since 4 years old and i battle addiction to masturbation since then to this day and i thought god will never love me and he do not helps me because of that but time went by and i said to myself ,,im gonna work hard to earn gods love" so i did i tried hard i become preacher and after a year i got baptised but i didnt feel any better basicaly i became non active since early 2014 just before gaining 18 years old at 14.04.2014(funny number coincidence right?).I was not active since then till like 3 moths agoo when i started preaching again and working on building jehova witness congregation meeting halls because i thought that God doesnt give me his spirit because i wasnt fully commited but nothing changed again.Even after i had 56 days of full abstinention during stay in mental hospital nothing changed but then i started to grow stronger in logical thinking and i was sharing my bible understanding and i started to see that the governing body in my organisation was mistaken in many analyses of bible and they were inconsistent with their arguments.In one place they use some argument but when i tried to use same way of thinking to other scriptures i just looked like a heretic.But the most important thing that make bighes difference that when i was using my new found inteligence to justify bible in favour of jehova witnesses everyone started to see it and i felt each time i was preparing for our meetings i was literaly feeling like my spritual energy was drained like i had some kind of parasite.And that was it and now im sure its me that have problem or there is something wrong with this organisation.
I just wanna make it clear my whole life i was believing that Satan and Demons are evil and cruel so its insane hard for me to not fear them and to trust them.But when i began to check stuff on JoyofSatan site then some of bible scriptures started to adds up.On example the part when Adam said that Ewe is ,,finally bone from my bones" and since i know now that first wife of Adam was Lilith then it makes finally sense.
Im terrobly sorry for my writing,grammar and english but i have huge memory problems and struggle real hard to focus so please have some mercy.
And right now i never was so miserableni fell in a hole of doubting everything and its still hard for me to face reality that most if not all stuff i learned might be pure lies.
I really need some help and guidance but i dont want to praise Satan official until im mentaly,physicaly and spiritualy healthy eunough to face enemies.Because i live in christian country(Poland) and im surrunded by christians from everywhere and if im not carefull enough( i live with parents,yea i know a looser) i will be forced to go back to mental hospital where i will be forced to take pills that do not help with anything since i take them and that is from 2017.
Any advice for me have a value of gold right now.