You are a man, your soul is male, you have always been a man for as long as your soul has ever existed, and you will always be a man for as long as your soul will ever exist.
This is a fundamental core component of your soul which is not possible for it to ever change. Just like how your species is human, and you will never be anything other than a human. You will never be anything other than a man.
Your self-hatred, mental problems, and sexual fetishes do not override Universal Truth and the laws of nature. You pretending to be something that you are not is only a waste of time, and is only further worsening all of your mental problems.