I think i'm kinda retarded cause i can't find a way to create a new topic
so i will write here, since it's related to what i wanted to write. i hope you will give me a couple minutes of your life, i would really appreciate it.
I did the Dedication Ritual on April 2014, so i'm not a new one, nor an expert or anything. A little background, i suffer from crippling severe depression, i was already depresses before but in the last years things have been spiraling down very fast. I started doing Rtr's almost as soon as i did the ritual, some weeks it was 6/7 at day, some weeks i've been very lazy, especially in the last few years.
I don't have a relationship with Satan, and i hope you won't judge me for this, as foolish as it may sound to you, i have my reasons. I don't think he really cares for me, maybe because i do use drugs, maybe he just doesn't like me. I realized that what i was really doing in the first years, was really playing with my head, IMAGINING what a supreme being might have said or thought, and I started calling that "thought form" Satan. But in reality, he spoke to me once (with useful informations) and i saw him for a split second, i just recall seeing his face, wich was almost identical to the paintings on the Jos site, and he was sourrounded by a light so powerful it was like seeing a blacklight picture, so i'm pretty sure it was him. But this stuff happened around 2015/2016, so it's been a LONG period of silence. And when i asked for help, all i got was nothing but a series of seriously messed up signs, to this day i still don't know if maybe they came from Angels who were messing with me, they've been attacking me since i was a kid (by the way i'm 26), so wouldn't be surpised. My response to that was to just cut it off, and trying not to make things even worse.
With that being said, the reason i'm writing this is that since i distanced myself from that state of kinda self-deception i was at the beginning, i started questioning things a lot, and i was hoping maybe someone had a similar experience, maybe i just need to hear something from someone, i don't know. I used to find "meaning" in the Rtr's, i really did...but than i think about it, and i know this War is going to go on even without me, it's going to be won even without me, and at the end of the day, i'm nothing but a weirdo who is always alone, always in pain, and more importantly, without any meaning. When i started doing those rituals, i REALLY thought i was doing it for the people, for my parents, for Satan, for whatever noble reason. But now i can see myself, maybe i just wanted to feel important, even though i'm defintely not, maybe i'm just a bad person who found himself in extraordinary circumstances.
If you are thinking i've been dumb to stop trying to talk to the Gods, maybe, but from my personal experience i know with one single sentence, they could have spared me YEARS of me going nuts because i didn't know what to do, wich to this day, is kind of a mistery...so what i'm supposed to think? maybe it's them that don't want anything to do with me, and that's fine...nobody does.
I'm sorry, i KNOW you guys are not shrinks and maybe i should keep these things to myself (since i obviously can't talk about this with a real shrink), but after almost a decade of total silence, i think i'm really losing my fucking mind, so... in the worst case, you'll just ignore this. Sorry for my english, and Cheers