I have to talk about this

[Albsy]

I've had enough. I haven't wanted to talk about it because I was ashamed, but I've had enough. I live tucked in four walls, practically in a cage, but at the same time the idea of leaving home makes me feel bad, even though I don't like it because of the position (I only see the walls of another house and the sky in my room, from another room a closed street and in the back a closed balcony with other houses; yes without a doubt, no good views) and the fact that I don't have a room of my own. I only go to school with brother, but I always think about the idea of going home soon. I feel that this has affected my mental health, as I often feel upset. Also the frequent arguments between my parents and my brother's occasional fits of anger have affected me, and more so being in a place where you can hear everything.

Besides, I have been addicted to my cell phone for 2 years, and because of that I have weakened spiritually. Although a few months ago I was doing the 40 day program but I quit around day 10. I had been wanting to get off of it for over a year but felt weak in will, but I reiterate, I had enough. I ruined my phone screen because of a meltdown I had today, but I regretted it and feel guilty about it, because it's something I need (even though I hate the idea) and because I have SS information on there (which made me feel so bad I cried, as I had forgotten this during the meltdown). The latter is what makes me feel more attached to the phone. I want to get this sorted out soon.

Since I was a little girl I have had problems eating, since I always feel rejection towards most foods, and I only eat a few and in small quantities. I don't have any altered self-image in case anyone was wondering. Although I don't seem to have any health problems caused by a lack of nutrients, I remember that I used to be admitted to a children's hospital many years ago. This is something I have wanted to solve but I don't know how. I really have a dislike of food; and lately I am not looking forward to eating anything at all because of how stubborn I feel.

Also, I have no one to really talk to. I can't completely trust my parents in talking about all my concerns because many involve issues that are talked about here, and I don't think they understand them, since they are Christians (not that they are bad parents, since they are not, they love me, they care about me, it's just that they are just victims, but it's still problematic). Nor in my older brother (he is an atheist and, according to me, nihilist, he is interested in the Hebrew language and defends Israel; once years ago I tried to make him see the truth, but I failed, although I still do not lose hope despite what is happening, as he is not bad and I think he has potential). As is well known, I have no friends, as I mentioned in the previous thread. I feel I will be better understood here, which is why I write it all down.

Another reason I say all this is because I don't want anyone to think that I am a "rich little girl" who has big problems that are actually banal, because I am not like that at all, I am not even rich. I mention this because I saw people saying things that go along those lines.

I reiterate what I said in the answer I wrote myself in my previous post:
About me saying that I said that studies, country and friends were my biggest problems, it is false, and it was only based on the emotions of the moment, because they are not at all.

I repeat what I wrote there: I know there are people who have worse problems, but I'm not going to minimize mine.

I think I've said enough for the moment. I also don't want to write a book here talking about everything I feel and what happens to me (not every day is bad of course, there are many good ones, but still), but I wanted to get some things off my chest and clarify some things in a better way than the previous one.

Hope you have a good day, and satanic blessings to all.

NT: I should have thought better about what I was writing in the last thread.

 

[AFODO]

Maybe you could have a hobby instead of being on your phone. Maybe a hobby you can do outside.

Are you eating good food? Make sure to eat less processed food, sweets, and other things as such. Steak with salad is a healthy meal for example. There is more written about food by stormblood.

Also, I have no one to really talk to.

Well this might sound obvious but you can chat with us. Maybe you find people here to chat with. If I'm not wrong, you'll have access to the chat and direct message on this forum if you reach 100 posts.

It would be the best to start with developing a meditation schedule, you don't have to strictly follow the 40 day meditation schedule, if you meditate only one time a day and you don't bother with opening the chakras yet and all that, than it's still better than doing nothing. Also physical yoga is usually more rewarding, so I advise to practice that to boost your confidence about spiritual practices.

I wish you the bests.