the reason i still am using drugs
You are not using drugs because you are suffering. It is exactly the opposite, the drug is not the "total cause" of your suffering, but it is something that enhances it and stimulates you to be dependent on the amount of suffering. This will not motivate you any more because it will only create a vicious circle. Instead, you should live in a virtuous circle.
Voices just playing around in my head with their powers and im just anxoius paranoid and depressed
...and the drug will not improve the situation, but will increasingly exaggerate the negative things that are already in your situation. Furthermore, it will be increasingly difficult to break chains that are increasingly "resistant and blocking". Your quote above is the proof of this...
Ask yourself then if you deserve to ruin yourself already at this age. No one really deserves to ruin themselves even if they were 60, but you are 21, is it worth it?
i might have some trauma with my child hood
In my opinion, instead of relying on drugs to deal with the problems of suffering in your life, you could try dedicating this part of your existence to meditation. At
www.joyofsatan.org you will find the necessary information. This could also help you:
https://ancient-forums.com/threads/...body-for-men-too-don’t-disregard-this.292496/
now im just trying to enjoy my risks and highs.
You should focus in my opinion on decreasing your "risks" and increasing your "highs". Otherwise it's like saying: "I'm happy when I have fun and when I suffer desperately", it makes no sense, we are all led to improve our lives and to be as good as possible.
i can with my soul mate so how am i called addicted and selfish when i found both of those to be good to me.
Love (for yourself and others) is the real "drug" that can help you, the only one that can really do you good. I know it seems like a figure of speech, but the substances that take care of yourself and others release are exactly the same (in a healthy way) that release harmful drugs (in an unhealthy way)
Im the boss OF THE VOICES so really i do own them they dont own me tho
You should take control of your mind, here are some things that might help you:
PS:
past experiences that happen to me
An useful tool you might try in a right way: