Sexuality #76741 Disgust about partners

[AskSatanOperator]

I don't find them physically attractive. Actually I don't find anyone physically attractive anymore. I am a woman and this happens especially with men. I feel nauseous. I almost hate intimacy, even kissing or hugging. Holding hands.
The partner's obsession with virginity but willingness to experience sex, or just obsession with virginity even if I am a virgin, seeing that men who seemed like mountains when intimacy was established were nothing more than little children. Verbal sexual abuse, emotional obsession. Also there have been men who have used talking to me to satisfy their feelings or their sexuality and then just tossed me aside when they were done. I used to do stuff like that too, but when I was like 15 or so. Karma?
Experiencing these things over and over again destroyed both my emotions and my sexuality.
I cannot be alone, that's not my nature. I love romance. But I especially do not understand that virginity concept. That is just brings harm to the both sides, why is that persistence?
I don't know.

 

[Rocca]

Karma?

more like paradigms of thinking and a specific point of view you can't get over.
being aware of those by self-reflection and introspection is the first step.
and i recommend to check "Freeing the Soul" workings

 

[Symmachos-ZEUS/SHAITAN]

I don't find them physically attractive. Actually I don't find anyone physically attractive anymore. I am a woman and this happens especially with men. I feel nauseous. I almost hate intimacy, even kissing or hugging. Holding hands.
The partner's obsession with virginity but willingness to experience sex, or just obsession with virginity even if I am a virgin, seeing that men who seemed like mountains when intimacy was established were nothing more than little children. Verbal sexual abuse, emotional obsession. Also there have been men who have used talking to me to satisfy their feelings or their sexuality and then just tossed me aside when they were done. I used to do stuff like that too, but when I was like 15 or so. Karma?
Experiencing these things over and over again destroyed both my emotions and my sexuality.
I cannot be alone, that's not my nature. I love romance. But I especially do not understand that virginity concept. That is just brings harm to the both sides, why is that persistence?
I don't know.

You are not disgusted with men.
You're disgusted by the mentality that a Jewish-style society has taught them.
But you know, men are not built in series. There are also worthy men, whom you can attract to you, even get help from your Guardian:

The Aura

 

[AFODO]

If you like romance and don't want to be alone, how do you not like intimacy, kissing, hugging, and alike?
Perhaps you just haven't find a man you like yet. But if you'll fall in love you'll like these things, won't you? Else you should do freeing workings regarding sexuality, and after, attract a partner with a spell.

 

[Edward Lonsa]

If you like romance and don't want to be alone, how do you not like intimacy, kissing, hugging, and alike?

Greetings!

Sorry for being off-topic to the OP. Answering on another aspect.

Romance is not equal to sexual intimacy. We romantically love an worship Father Zeus and this has nothing to do with our sexuality. Friendly and brotherly feelings can be romantic and chivalrous. Chivalry and Romance is a foundation of our culture and is how men are built. Forcing people into unwanted lifestyle will not result in any success only further their disdain to this. Some people have no natural disposition to any sexual intimacy and absolutely prefer platonic Uranic relationship and live their whole lives dedicated to higher art absolutely comfortable without any sexual contacts at all. I know such people living in the past. 21 century forces on people a lot of unneeded restrictions such as enforcement of vulgarity, physicality, extreme promiscuity and like, labeling lack of animal instincts or any higher nature as "mentally ill" while our Ancestors never had all these forced-animalized standards. Freedom to be yourself is for everyone not only those with prominent physical instincts.

I don't find them physically attractive. Actually I don't find anyone physically attractive anymore. I am a woman and this happens especially with men. I feel nauseous. I almost hate intimacy, even kissing or hugging. Holding hands.
The partner's obsession with virginity but willingness to experience sex, or just obsession with virginity even if I am a virgin, seeing that men who seemed like mountains when intimacy was established were nothing more than little children. Verbal sexual abuse, emotional obsession. Also there have been men who have used talking to me to satisfy their feelings or their sexuality and then just tossed me aside when they were done. I used to do stuff like that too, but when I was like 15 or so. Karma?
Experiencing these things over and over again destroyed both my emotions and my sexuality.
I cannot be alone, that's not my nature. I love romance. But I especially do not understand that virginity concept. That is just brings harm to the both sides, why is that persistence?
I don't know.

Sister, you are fully free to find relationship without vulgarity, apehood, orkhood and attract chivalrous man without animal instincts because such exist and in not small amount, but attraction of any energy is also your responsibility you have to accept and learn to master feminine magnetic energy "teaching" it to attract the right thing to you. Probably, to do some working on attracting what you need and repelling what you do not need.

 

[𝐄𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐦𝐮𝐬]

Indeed, in fact this type of men is common, although among women as well, but I would not say that this type is in the majority. This is largely due to Jewish Influence and the Programming of society into a Destructive Axiology. Jews have heavily poisoned the themes of Sexuality, Romance and Love as such, so what you encounter is not what it represents, you should not take it as the natural order of things. Just like the general attitude towards the female gender, which is manufactured by Jews with a very toxic attitude.

Believe me, you are not the only one who has experienced similar events and feelings. However, it is solvable, but the speed at which it is solved depends on the depth of the problem, because the problem may lie much deeper than just the psychological aspect.

Here are extremely important Sermons that will help you realize the nature and extent of the problem (read them all):

• The Real Origin Of Hatred Towards Women: Rabbis Talk;
• Post in thread «The Real Origin Of Hatred Towards Women: Rabbis Talk»;
• Jewish lies about... Man, Woman, Gender of God;
• Dating: Lies Told to Men [part 1];
• Love, Relationships, Fate; magick workings for 2025 (this Sermon also presents Magical Works that will help you).

Next I will give you some recommendations that will help you to get rid of this malignant Influence, or at least to weaken it.

Try to Realize where your feelings, aversions and fears come from. Realize your state in Meditation. You have to «Project» into it and feel it, but not cause it. This is similar to Regression, but not to past lives, but to the root of your state. It can take more than one session, and this practice can be complicated for you because it involves developed Introspection, developed Mental Body, developed Will and developed Concentration.

This problem may indeed be related to Karma, as this can come from past Incarnations and be «compacted» in the Soul, so you can do the Freeing the Soul practices outlined on the website. Among other things, I suggest you analyze the areas of your Natal Chart responsible for love, sex and relationships, as there you may find Positions, Conjunctions and Aspects that confront you with similar circumstances. This can be explained Karmically anyway, so you need to work with this for a long time, as well as with Deprogramming from your current beliefs, because they also prevent you from finding what you are looking for by blocking your Mind for it, which of course has a great impact on how you perceive the world around you.

Pay attention to your Svadhisthana Chakra (Sacral Chakra). Purify and Strengthen it with Mantra for it. Practice Yoga Asanas that activate this Chakra, such as Pashchimottanasana (forward bend) and/or Baddha Konasana («butterfly pose»). In the long run, this will help you reconnect with your Sexuality and Bodily, and directly affect your attitude towards these topics. Hatha Yoga is important here, don't ignore it, but don't upset the Balance between the other Chakras by favoring only the Sacral Chakra.

You should also not exclude the Power of Affirmations, so use Affirmations aimed at breaking down these Blocks. This way you can work with your beliefs and your perceptions. Affirmations usually follow before direct Meditation because you are Meditating on the state you are Affirming, so you can include Affirmations for the type of Meditations I wrote about at the beginning. It's very individualized, don't follow a strict pattern, but incorporate Affirmations into your regular Workings anyway. In general, in some cases Affirmations are not necessary if you have a highly developed Visualization, and also if you know how to Manipulate Energies and Program them by Will, and in general understand what you are doing, but this is not the basic level. In a good way, Affirmations are making by yourself, based on your own thinking and your own circumstances, with which you want to work and which are laid in the basis of the Affirmation. But here is something to keep in mind: the Affirmation should be short, clear, must not include future time, but must include a safe Realization of the Magical Program itself.

Here are helpful Articles on the topic of Affirmations and Working with beliefs:

• Specificity with Workings and Affirmations;
• Self Hypnosis/Affirmations Stimulation;
• Introspective Meditation: Increasing Conscious Awareness (very important Article and Meditation as such helps a lot with many problems including yours).

Also, here are some Sermons on the topic of Spiritual Healing (they are important in this context):

• Spiritual Satanism: Healing, Cleaning, Dealing With Life Negativity;
• Healing the Emotional Body (for men too, don’t disregard this).

When you are strong enough and sane enough to connect your life with the person of your desire, in the future I advise you to use Practices to attract this person. The Sun + the Mars Squares can help you. There is also the great Magic Working from Voice of Enki for love relationships.

I believe you're going to be fine. Believe in yourself and your Strength. Zeus/Satan and Demons will lead you to the Might, just let them and yourself do it. Stay Strong! May the Gods bless you!

 

[Ĥl·lĥæ]

Very confusing

Okay, you're not attracted to men, and you feel bad when they talk to you and then stop.
But for some reason, you want romance.

Maybe you're a lesbian, or maybe you just want attention and companionship.
This companionship comes through sensual play, in other words, attention and the desire to feel validated in some way.

Feeling and valuing virginity is a natural evolution of men.
For a long time in the past, mental narratives have been created about why virginity is important, but these are just human mental and species mechanisms, the way man has evolved to pass on his genes during his evolution as a hunter-gatherer.

 

[AskSatanOperator]

You have given very interesting answers, thank you all very much. I feel better about it now, because I have you, despite all the ugliness out there.

Actually, I was someone who enjoyed physical contact in the extreme, but the events I have described caused a serious aversion. The thought arose to protect my body and soul from all this and keep it “pure”, I realized that their obsession with virginity comes from their own filth.
There is no need for that though, I will start at the most appropriate time with the work of healing the emotional body and freeing the soul, and then continue with what you have said.

My Mars, -I think it was also related to the lovers I attracted into my life-, is in an incredibly strong position and has some harmful aspects, and aspects that will make it even stronger. I love masculinity in men in its purest form, sometimes I compromise and pacify myself in order to experience it in its entirety. When the relationship is reduced to such a “primitive” level, men are much more prone to being out of control, in my experience. I have had such relationships with women, -in fact, until recently, I only had sexual and romantic relationships with women-, but none of them threatened me to stay with her or tried to blackmail me, to undermine my pride, my sense of self, to make me submissive against my will. Or said "You need to be virgin, this the basic female possessive impulse with the ideal relationship understanding, I cannot disregard my children's pride!"

I felt like a fish out of water. But now it's okay.

 

[Shadowcat]

If you don't find any men physically attractive it could be for one or several reasons. To be fair the body positive movement and other things that foster laziness and entitlement make people in general have really bad hygiene, lack style and care for their bodies. Abrahamic programs have poisened how most men look at women and as a result you won't feel attracted to how they do or don't relate to you. The other possibility is, and I would only consider this if you don't even find objectively attractive men attractive or feel sexual motivation towards them like most straight women would, is that you might be a lesbian.

You might have had an upbringing that told you this could never be an option. Really think about this especially if you can't possibly find ANY men attractive under any circumstances.

If this is not the case it might be just a combination of what I first mentioned, which is a cold hard fact, to most people's chagrin.

 

[Aleksios]

...

I like your writing style very much, brother. I read this.

Maybe you can open this as another topic, just put other posts about rabbinical idiots.

 

[DarkPagan666]

You are not broken. You’ve just been through a lot. What you’re feeling is a sign that your mind and body are asking for safety, healing, and a new way of relating to intimacy. Healing takes time, and it's okay to be cautious and take things slow. The right kind of connection will honor your emotions, rather than demand something from you.

It's important to remember that your past experiences don’t define what every future relationship will look like. People are individuals, and while there may have been men who hurt or misused your trust, there are also many who are capable of sincere emotional connection, respect, and care. Trust in yourself that you have the power to improve your life situation on your own, and that there are good quality people out there.

When we go through repeated emotional pain, especially in intimate relationships, our brain forms connections based on those experiences. This protective mechanism can cause emotional responses like skepticism, cynicism, and stoicism, as the brain tries to shield us from further emotional pain.People who have experienced betrayal or trauma may become more guarded or emotionally distant as a way of preventing future harm. It’s a natural response to protect oneself from vulnerability after being hurt in the past, though with healing, it's possible to shift these patterns and rebuild trust with real trust, and not misplaced trust.

These defense mechanisms isn’t something that’s necessarily conscious or something we can easily control at all times. It's an automatic, protective response from the brain. Just as if we were to touch something hot repeatedly, we’d naturally learn to avoid it in the future, the brain begins to associate intimacy, closeness, or vulnerability with emotional danger. The feeling of being hurt or abandoned repeatedly becomes linked to the act of being intimate, so intimacy itself can trigger feelings of fear or anxiety.

For some, this can manifest as a physical response, like disgust, a deep sense of discomfort, or even nausea when faced with the idea of closeness. This is because the brain has learned, through repeated negative experiences, that intimacy might result in harm or pain. The body then responds as if it's under threat, even though the current situation may not actually be dangerous. This physical reaction - whether it’s avoiding touch, feeling repulsed, or experiencing nausea - is your brain's way of trying to protect you from revisiting past trauma.

In essence, the brain becomes hypervigilant, alert to any signs of potential emotional harm. This can make it very difficult to trust intimacy again, as it’s associated with emotional pain. Over time, this can cause feelings of aversion or the desire to shut down emotionally and physically when faced with closeness, even if the new person or situation is safe.

Healing from this process takes time. It involves retraining the brain, conscious and subconscious, to unlearn these associations and gradually rebuilding trust in intimacy or other aspects that needs rectification - and learning that not all closeness will result in harm. Working on the Throat, Heart and Sacral chakras can be incredibly therapeutic when it comes to healing emotional wounds, especially those related to intimacy, trust, self-expression and understanding, and how one relate to others.

Take care!

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

I feel better about it now, because I have you, despite all the ugliness out there.

Actually, I was someone who enjoyed physical contact in the extreme, but the events I have described caused a serious aversion. The thought arose to protect my body and soul from all this

When we go through repeated emotional pain, especially in intimate relationships, our brain forms connections based on those experiences. This protective mechanism can cause emotional responses like skepticism, cynicism, and stoicism, as the brain tries to shield us from further emotional pain.People who have experienced betrayal or trauma may become more guarded or emotionally distant as a way of preventing future harm. It’s a natural response to protect oneself from vulnerability after being hurt in the past, though with healing, it's possible to shift these patterns and rebuild trust with real trust, and not misplaced trust.

As usual in those cases, I speak by direct experience and relate what I know to give more insights.
First of all, I strongly support what DarkPagan666 said, it's excatly that.

You say that this aversion "arose" in you as a form of defense. This is very typical of a traumatized mind.
In case you lived a sex-related trauma (even in past lives, I believe) you may have stored the feelings and thought about that in a hidden unconscious area, that is not normally accessible by the logical mind. Lost memories, for example.
This is indeed a defense strategy the brain uses, to keep on living a normal life, without letting the "bad stuff" affect you. So the main self lives a normal life, and this is how you perceived men as attractive for you, until now. Probably the "bad stuff" is coming to the surface. It is like having two opposite ideas in your mind, fighting each other.

The best solution on this, apart of all meditations, Munka / Karma removal, is enacting a correction of the past painful and traumatic event.

Just imagine, you had a very ugly uncle living in your home when you were a kid, this uncle was a very disgusting man and was obsessed with porn magazines or videos, or frequently talked about sex in a disgusting way, in most extreme cases maybe he verbally or physically abused you. Showing porn to a kid is an abuse, for example.
So the main trauma and cause of your feelings of ugliness for man, is identified.
If you manage to find a good man, who is positive in his approach to sex and in general behavior towards women (so rare) and you manage to "link" him to your traumatic memories, because your mind identifies him as "your old uncle", by spending a bit of time with that man (non necessarily having sex, simply interacting a bit deeper) will lead to a correction of your feelings.

I have been shown this way by the Demons themselves, who guided me through this, more than once. And it worked very well.

As it's very complicated, and requires very subtle and even subliminal details in that person to make it happen, I suggest to ask guidance to your Guardian Demon to do that, they can find the right person and situation by their higher knowledge. But first it would be good to identify the trauma, if any, in your mind, by inner dialogue while in trance.

I hope this helps.
Should you ever find out you suffered a sexual heavy trauma or abuse, PLEASE do not stay silent and try to buty it out of shame. There's no shame on here for victims.
In case, please TALK about this, vent out carefully. Here, or with a good therapist, a trusted relative... you choose.

If what is coming to the surface is light, ok. Well if it's heavy... remember you are not alone in facing it. A kind word from another human being here, is gold.

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

Experiencing these things over and over again destroyed both my emotions and my sexuality.

According to your words, your situation might be serious.
Is everything OK at now, anything got better?

 

[AskSatanOperator]

According to your words, your situation might be serious.
Is everything OK at now, anything got better?

Thank you... It's very sweet of you to worry about me, you're really beautiful. And I am not meaning "worry" here, of course do not worry. Maybe curiosity... English is not my first language, sorry.

I'm fine. You know, I think I met a guy who can help me overcome this issue. He is very kind to me. He buys me flowers and little presents, drives me home, makes me drinks when I am sick. He takes care of me in a very sweet way. And he is touching me. He held my hand, hugged me for minutes I mean. This happened when we were leaving, when I got out of the car. I don't feel nauseous anymore, but it feels wrong still, and then I get teary-eyed and shaky inside and sometimes out. But he seems to break all the chains that my body is bound by, maybe. It felt more fluid, not as solid as before. I still don't know what the problem exactly is.
And of course he is not perfect, he is cheating on me. All the tarot readings say the same thing. He's like this with all the women in his life. And I think he dated most of the girls in my environment. When I told my friends about this relationship, they said, “You were the only one he hadn't gotten his hands on.”
And he is like those men who cheat on me and expect me to be fiercely loyal to him but I'm ignoring this part.

So, that's how it is. I hope you're doing well as well.

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

Thank you... It's very sweet of you to worry about me, you're really beautiful.

Thank you, your words are kind and glad to me.
I just feel empathy about this and I am unconsciously driven to support persons like you, and me.
You know what? Most of what is needed here, is not very big advice, just... human kindness, understanding, and warmth.

I'm fine. You know, I think I met a guy who can help me overcome this issue. He is very kind to me. He buys me flowers and little presents, drives me home, makes me drinks when I am sick. He takes care of me in a very sweet way. And he is touching me. He held my hand, hugged me for minutes I mean.

First of all I am happy for you! I know by direct experience, how wonderful is when you meet a special person to you.
I think this is very healing. What you describe is human kindness, at the end. It's quite rare nowadays.
Probably the Gods lead you to meet him in a way? Or it was your desire, attracting a kind man, anyway good!

This happened when we were leaving, when I got out of the car. I don't feel nauseous anymore, but it feels wrong still, and then I get teary-eyed and shaky inside and sometimes out. But he seems to break all the chains that my body is bound by, maybe. It felt more fluid, not as solid as before. I still don't know what the problem exactly is.

I think the problem is emerging, tears and shaky feelings are very indicative of an inner part of you who "woke up" and started to emerge and get closer to daily reality. Most often those "selves" live in an unconscious world, stuck in the past - so your mind believes the past is still happening. By leading those selves to discover new dynamics (like being treated kindly and sweetly), the selves may heal - as they are emotional selves - and better the way you feel about men. It seems happening but this will bring some negative feelings out, from time to time.
With time, if you manage to be stable in life and love life with this person, you might want to attempt the "emotional body healing" meditation by HPs Lyda as well .

And of course he is not perfect, he is cheating on me. All the tarot readings say the same thing. He's like this with all the women in his life. And I think he dated most of the girls in my environment. When I told my friends about this relationship, they said, “You were the only one he hadn't gotten his hands on.”
And he is like those men who cheat on me and expect me to be fiercely loyal to him but I'm ignoring this part.

That's not good. Maybe it part of your karma, or your planets withing the 7th house, to find deceiving partners?
Just a question. How do you feel about this?

Anyway, as you say, you may take just the sweet part for a while.
Who knows maybe he is seriously interested in you?
In case not... why don't teach him a lesson if he is truly cheating for just ... that purpose ?
This will also heal your wounded emotions, because you will protect yourself from a man who is not serious to you, by for example refusing to sleep with him? Just wondering, it's your choice at the end. So you will be the only one he never gotten his hands on... by your own choice. And your mind will learn and understand, that you main self is able to protect the wounded selves from a threat.
This is paramount condition to let the inner problems surface : your self must be able to protect you, and thus the inner selves in you. You will build self esteem and a higher value of yourself, this way.
It does seem, what you are going through is not a coincidence. For this reasons, I'd let things flow to see what happens...

So, that's how it is. I hope you're doing well as well.

Thanks. To be honest I am living very intense days with surprisingly high level of emotions involved. Special days for me.
I am also healing myself from issues, similar to yours. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's good, it seems I am on the right path.
Well, thanks for asking! Much appreciated.

Feel free to let us know how things are going for you, so you'll not feel alone in this.

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

Oh I just forgot. Maybe this guy has some Planets in his Natal Chart that are healing for you, despite he may be cheating, energies would flow.
If I were this guy I would never, never cheat on you - cheating on a wounded person may be destructive. But you seem well prepared and conscious of this so, still interacting with his Soul may be healing for his planets. Would be worth having a look to your sinastry.

 

[AskSatanOperator]

Thank you, your words are kind and glad to me.
I just feel empathy about this and I am unconsciously driven to support persons like you, and me.
You know what? Most of what is needed here, is not very big advice, just... human kindness, understanding, and warmth.



First of all I am happy for you! I know by direct experience, how wonderful is when you meet a special person to you.
I think this is very healing. What you describe is human kindness, at the end. It's quite rare nowadays.
Probably the Gods lead you to meet him in a way? Or it was your desire, attracting a kind man, anyway good!


I think the problem is emerging, tears and shaky feelings are very indicative of an inner part of you who "woke up" and started to emerge and get closer to daily reality. Most often those "selves" live in an unconscious world, stuck in the past - so your mind believes the past is still happening. By leading those selves to discover new dynamics (like being treated kindly and sweetly), the selves may heal - as they are emotional selves - and better the way you feel about men. It seems happening but this will bring some negative feelings out, from time to time.
With time, if you manage to be stable in life and love life with this person, you might want to attempt the "emotional body healing" meditation by HPs Lyda as well .


That's not good. Maybe it part of your karma, or your planets withing the 7th house, to find deceiving partners?
Just a question. How do you feel about this?

Anyway, as you say, you may take just the sweet part for a while.
Who knows maybe he is seriously interested in you?
In case not... why don't teach him a lesson if he is truly cheating for just ... that purpose ?
This will also heal your wounded emotions, because you will protect yourself from a man who is not serious to you, by for example refusing to sleep with him? Just wondering, it's your choice at the end. So you will be the only one he never gotten his hands on... by your own choice. And your mind will learn and understand, that you main self is able to protect the wounded selves from a threat.
This is paramount condition to let the inner problems surface : your self must be able to protect you, and thus the inner selves in you. You will build self esteem and a higher value of yourself, this way.
It does seem, what you are going through is not a coincidence. For this reasons, I'd let things flow to see what happens...



Thanks. To be honest I am living very intense days with surprisingly high level of emotions involved. Special days for me.
I am also healing myself from issues, similar to yours. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's good, it seems I am on the right path.
Well, thanks for asking! Much appreciated.

Feel free to let us know how things are going for you, so you'll not feel alone in this.

Hello. I hope you get through this period in the best possible way. I don't know if you have someone you can talk to or if you want to talk to me, but I can say anything I want here because I'm anonymous, and you're probably not as comfortable. I can't message you because I don't have the required number of messages; please don't feel obliged, but if you want to continue the conversation it would be nice to leave your Protonmail account or whatever you see fit.

All this boy wants is to have sex with me and probably tell people about it or record it. With the end of Venus retrograde, things became clearer in my head, I was really too optimistic. Yesterday he pulled his car into the middle of nowhere at night and tried to kiss me. I told him I felt uncomfortable and wanted to go back, he whispered that "I am not forcing you to do anything, no one can do anything to you unless you want them to". I refused everything with excuses like “I am ashamed” because I was afraid.
Then he asked for a single strand of my hair??? He wanted to be photographed with me before, and I refused with the excuse of not being photogenic. Maybe he's going to cast a spell or something, I don't know. Or he just tried to be romantic lol.

I'm giving up on people for now. Maybe the fact that I constantly attract abusive partners and people is because I need to learn to protect myself. Maybe I created an imbalance because I paid too much attention to my heart chakra and that's why I'm in this state. Everyone is just a new wound for now. It doesn't matter anymore.
But I would be glad if I am able to support you, your words mean a lot to me and I'm grateful to have you by my side.

Take care!

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

Hello. I hope you get through this period in the best possible way.

Thank you so much for your words. They are meaningful to me, although I am not alone in all of this - luckily enough!
I will think about your offer. You are a kind person. I have a past of severe childhood abuse, that I don't hide on here on purpose, so I can discuss the most, openly. I know what being deceived means. And I do not want to allow others to deceive decent people like you, whenever I can, with my own power.

I don't know you personally, but I can feel what you were going through like I was there, like I can even see that car and perceive your fear. Yes it was fear, not worry, I know that, don't underestimate what happens inside you. It's like being lost in a satellite orbiting around the earth with no support in the darkest hour, without any Sunshine around you. Coldness and fear, feeling trapped, that's most likely what was happening inside you.

Let me say, there's an incredible amount of self-care you put in your actions.

You see, I am proud of you for protecting yourself and your integrity, you won't regret this. Well done, proud to your honesty in relating this here.

Your essence, your Soul, has been preserved from being spoiled again. What kind of person is asking for an strand of hair? What are you, just a lioness to be hunted, so that your hair are the trophy the hunter will keep in his collection and show his friends? Were you really being treated this way?
Believe me, there are decent men, and you will find one. I am one.
I know that because I perceive the honest and true desire for that, and when a good Soul (as I perceive yours) is engaged in a noble goal, this will happen first or late, as soon as obstacles preventing this will crumble.

I'm giving up on people for now. Maybe the fact that I constantly attract abusive partners and people is because I need to learn to protect myself.

Don't do that, at least completely. I gave up on "normals" many years ago, just cannot cope with them unless for superficial and short-term interaction.
But, apart of magick and meditation, relationship are the only way you can heal some of the internal wounds you may have.
Attracting abusive partners may be in your Natal Chart, but, it may also be in your mind, If you have been treated in abusive or generally bad ways as a kid, you may have grown the idea that being mistreated is the standard way to give or receive love, thus programming your unconscious to attract this, relentlessly.

You will find your caress, the true one, made from the heart. Just wait. Because I know this happens at least once in life, the Gods will make it happen if you desire so, in due time,
I have been waiting long decades for this, but yes, it came for me.
Be open to receive it, don't close your way to happiness, just because people are idiots sometimes.

That night, you granted security and protection to your wounded self.
Again, I feel pervaded by a sense of hope and fulfillment, reading your story. Rewarding.

Don't give up. There is a drop of human warmth, waiting for you.
And... well done!