Where does someone who has failed completely in the basic areas of life find strength, motivation and enthusiasm?
The days go by and I don't expect much from life anymore. Soon I will be 40. I've made bad decisions that have ruined my life. I'm not making circus out of this, I'm just stating it as a fact.
I will not have children and I have never had a long-term, serious relationship. I will probably stay single, my current circumstances do not allow for serious dating. And I got used to being alone.
My money is literally nothing, I live from one month to the next on the staggeringly low Hungarian minimum wage. And I have a lot of things to spend, so I won't be able to save money for a long time.
A more serious career in law is no longer an option for me. I graduated almost a year ago, but usually my job application fails early on because I don't get called for an interview. My degree is
summa cum laude and I obtained my doctorate by working alongside the university. But I have no experience in any graduate work, and employers are afraid to hire me. The best I can hope for is to be hired for a job with a high school diploma, and from there slowly work my way up to a job as a lawyer or any graduate job (if the opportunity arises). But that's building a fortress out of shit. Law school has a high dropout rate, and
summa cum laude degrees are very rare. I should be
much higher, not clowning around at this level.
From what I have written so far, you can guess that I live in my parents' house. It's a separate flat (there are two parts of the house), but of course this was my farewell to independent, young adult life and privacy. Now, for many reasons, there is no realistic possibility for me to move into a rented flat, and this will remain the case for a very long time.
As I wrote, I am not making circus out of all this. But I am usually stressed, bored and unmotivated. As I see it, these feelings are slowly and gradually getting stronger. Few people on this forum understand that this is not a spiritual problem, but an incarnation fucked up by poor life management.
And in such an incarnation, spiritual practices are also not motivating. If you start practising yoga and meditation at 40, you can of course theoretically achieve Magnum Opus. In practice, it is impossible if you have a job and other commitments, have to budget your money month by month, etc. Then you cannot meditate for hours every day.
But I do what I have to do. With Satan's help I got rid of alcoholism 3 years ago. I then did the initiation ceremony and last year the 40-day meditation program. Now I have started a meditation/yoga/FRTR program based on the helpful advice of Henu the Great. I'm starting a 6 week training program, and later when I'm in shape, I might try the traditional Hungarian martial art, Baranta. I work, I look for a job, I manage my money well, I look after my cat. I try to prepare for possible economic difficulties, etc., as my financial means allow. It's just that I no longer expect anything from my screwed-up life, and so it's difficult to deal with spirituality, for example. (And before there is any misunderstanding: you don't have to convince me of the theory of spirituality. I have read a lot of SS writings, done a lot of research and writing on my own. I made an informed, thoughtful decision in 2019 when I did my initiation.)
I cannot talk to Satan about these things, because I know that I cannot accept these things peacefully and calmly, but I cannot change them either. Therefore I cannot say anything about them to Satan. The problem is that I cannot see to what extent I will become burnt out and bitter as the years go by. As I wrote, at the moment my daily mood is tolerable, I'm interested in certain things and I can keep myself busy. And I know that I have made good choices alongside the bad ones. And I know that many good things would not have happened if I had not made some "bad" decisions. So I'm aware of these things, and I have a double feeling. However, as the years go by, the frustration and feeling of emptiness because of my ruined life seems to overcome me.
Closing remark: I deliberately did not elaborate on the fact that Hungary is heading towards a situation like Argentina, or even possibly towards war. In comparison, my personal problems are irrelevant. And I know that everyone on this forum is hopeful, but I probably wouldn't be able to meditate if there was a war in my country or no food to eat. There are some people and animals that are important to me, and other than trying to vote "right" (for the least evil) and collect non-perishable food, I watch helplessly as the country moves towards literal chaos and then ultimate destruction.