All of this is normal, and everyone has their own trigger points and fears. On this path of advancement, we confront these and sometimes it can be ugly, especially during a bad context (like aggravated by enemy curses). In fact, if someone does not report ever having an event like this (releasing repressed anger or fear), then I would question their advancement path.
I don't believe anyone hates you, and if they do, then they are misunderstanding what happened. The Gods certainly don't. You can see the replies from HPHC where he clearly identified it as an oversensitive reaction.
The fact that you have calmed down and took notes on the events (what triggered you, what emotions you had felt, what you were trying to prevent and why, etc) shows you are building awareness of a likely trauma point. This helps you on the path of healing, as if you are confronted by the fear again, then your brain will recall the past experience and have an easier time realizing the correct course of action.
I guess... I need to calm down more and stop taking everything personally.
I really, genuinely freaked the fuck out when I saw that warnings were given, and things were deleted... so I dunno I just felt like, okay everybody thinks of me differently from what I thought they were, and I was like fuck it, these ppl aren't much different from those outside, so might as well go all in. I'm not very emotionally resilient.
I used to get bullied a lot back in elementary and middle school. I had to be friends with someone at some point, just do they dont feel jealous and beat me up.
Most times. Where I feel angry or have to confront someone and defend myself, I feel very weak in the knees. My stomach starts burning like crazy, and I always feel afraid and resentful of other more powerful ppl.
Not to mention, having an abusive, childish, narcissistic father, who punished me for literally the stupidest most minor things, and threatened me with lack of financial support every time I protested, didn't really help either. He does the same with my younger siblings, although my siblings is much more brave and stubborn than I am...
It takes every cell in my being to not curse him to death. The fucker literally had demons visiting him in his dream and telling him to stop abusing me.
I have done I think, 3 munka working cycles to heal my self esteem, and 2 mars square and 1 sun square.... but the problem still persists.
I went to an MMA gym for eight months, so I can grow better and become better, but it didn't help much. Except for the physical development. But mental development didn't happen.
I try really my hardest every day to make sure I do my rather heavy spiritual routine everyday. Sometimes I lose time and sometimes I just don't have energy for anything else. There's this all called Habitica... I use it to track my progress. Not just for spirituality but for other tasks... but I usually miss a lot of stuff. And then there are days when I have a lot of time and energy and i complete most stuff.
There are many sources of stress in my life. Many life threatening things have happened, and I have had many enemies and sooooo many people who wanted to abuse me in some way... its like im a fucking magnet.... even relatives in some cases literally wanted to beat me up......
As I grow older, I keep feeling more and more that nobody cares, and that this world is a literal inferno that I have to keep suffering in. Alone, too. I'm very solitary when it comes to most things....
like the rule of the jungle: eat or be eaten.
I dont know. I seriously don't know the answer and when the pain is gonna end. I don't have much confidence in my resolve to heal myself and to reach my desired future.
whenever I do magick I get distracted, and then I hate it when I do, but that's another distraction, and then I just try to visualize everything perfectly, feel the desired outcome as if it has already happened, try hard to feel the energy raised...
But no matter what I do, I always feel huge doubt in my workings.
I constantly feel that the gods are disappointed in me for not doing as much as h can. I dont know.