Ignisalas
Member
- Joined
- Nov 4, 2017
- Messages
- 288
Ive been wondering why I feel strange on Saturdays. Ive noticed for a while now that every Saturday I stay awake a lot longer than I usually do, long past the time when I usually go to sleep. And its hard for me to go to sleep on Saturdays. I don't know if its just the positive side of Saturn's energy that gives endurance and stability that keeps me awake longer or if its something else.
I know that Saturday is the day of choice that the enemy uses to curse us, and I have noticed a lot of stress, anger and nasty things happen on Saturdays too. A lot of rage outbursts happen in my home and family, over stupid and retarded things not worth arguing about.
My mom lives with me right now and shes a heavy drug user, and shes a very weak soul, and this will probably be the last life she lives from the look of it. She has caused me so much pain and stress over the years, and my childhood was ruined and nonexistent because of her. In my birth chart my moon is squared by Saturn, and I also have pluto in my 4th house, but that's going off topic a bit.
Has anyone else noticed odd feelings and things happening on Saturdays like I have?
Id like to add that here recently ive been put under complete heavy siege by enemy attacks and ive felt the worst negative emotions that I ever have felt in the past. Ive felt so much sadness and depression that its starting to make me turn on Satan and blame him for all the things I go through. I try my best to keep my mind clear from these emotions, but because of the horrible life Ive lived up to this point, its next to impossible to control these awful feelings. I hope someday that i'll be able to have an actual conversation with Satan and not just sit in my room and talk into the air hoping that Satan can hear me, but most of the time, it feels like he doesn't hear me. Maybe its just the area and home I live in, and the enemy energies that is plaguing this place its making it hard for the gods to contact me.
I have a lot of violent outbursts at Satan and the gods, but I don't really mean it, and most of it comes from the chaos and horrible life I live which causes me to feel hopeless and powerless.
I just wish Satan would help a little with my life, and do something with my mom so I don't have to deal with her anymore. I have no love for her at all, and I wish she would just die most of the time. Im a grown ass man but I still have issues and most of the time I feel childlike because I never had a good childhood. The home I live in right now is the same house I grew up in, and my room is full of holes in the walls and my bedroom door is nearly busted down from my teenage years when my mom got drunk and attacks me for no reason. Its hard for me to control my anger and I live in a constant state of rage most of the time.
I try to make Satan and Satanism the center of my life because I don't have anything else. A lot of times I sit in complete poverty and near starvation. Ive been really lucky the past 2 months, my grandmother is helping us pay our bills, but that's ending soon. Most of the time I don't have internet or electricity, and living off of food stamps that my mom has control over, and sells food to people every month to feed her addiction instead of feeding the family. I don't have a job or any type of income, and I sit here and stagnate in constant rage and misery, and I think about suicide a lot. I just want to escape, and in my mid teens I started to get into paganism and witchcraft as my personal escape from problems in life, which later on led me to Satanism.
But I feel left out and abandoned by Satan and I cant tell if he hears my prayers or not, and that just leads to more and more depression since I cant even tell if the gods and Satan are with me in my times of need and the person I try to make the center of my life is ignoring me. I truly feel alone most of the time, and its a loneliness that I can feel in my soul and it hurts with so much unimageable pain and panic that you people with stable homes, money, and happiness will never understand. I wish none of you guys ever feel that kind of pain. Its the worst that words cant even describe. Im still here after all the things I go through and still standing proud to be a Satanist. Most of the people that would have been through all the things ive been through would have given up and killed themselves by now. But im still here and still trying to advance. Ive noticed that even though the depression ive been through was bad, it made me develop powerful endurance and resistance to these types of things. Nothing has ever made me go completely insane, and nothing has been able to drive me to suicide, even though its on my mind a lot. Im able to outlast most people that are in this type of situation, and that is one of my biggest strengths. But I only wish that Satan or any of the gods would visit me in some way, that would make me so happy, but right now I feel so lonely and unhappy.
I don't post much on the forums, and I really need to start posting and communicating a lot more with other members, but im naturally a shy and quiet person and im trying to stop being that way, but its hard. I am on the forums a lot and I read most of the posts on here, even though I don't make many posts myself.
Im feeling really tired and im going to sleep now, since ive been awake for like 20 hours. I wish you guys the best of luck in life, and don't let this type of loneliness and depression ever get to you, because it'll eat at you until you are nothing but a complete evil monster inside.
I know that Saturday is the day of choice that the enemy uses to curse us, and I have noticed a lot of stress, anger and nasty things happen on Saturdays too. A lot of rage outbursts happen in my home and family, over stupid and retarded things not worth arguing about.
My mom lives with me right now and shes a heavy drug user, and shes a very weak soul, and this will probably be the last life she lives from the look of it. She has caused me so much pain and stress over the years, and my childhood was ruined and nonexistent because of her. In my birth chart my moon is squared by Saturn, and I also have pluto in my 4th house, but that's going off topic a bit.
Has anyone else noticed odd feelings and things happening on Saturdays like I have?
Id like to add that here recently ive been put under complete heavy siege by enemy attacks and ive felt the worst negative emotions that I ever have felt in the past. Ive felt so much sadness and depression that its starting to make me turn on Satan and blame him for all the things I go through. I try my best to keep my mind clear from these emotions, but because of the horrible life Ive lived up to this point, its next to impossible to control these awful feelings. I hope someday that i'll be able to have an actual conversation with Satan and not just sit in my room and talk into the air hoping that Satan can hear me, but most of the time, it feels like he doesn't hear me. Maybe its just the area and home I live in, and the enemy energies that is plaguing this place its making it hard for the gods to contact me.
I have a lot of violent outbursts at Satan and the gods, but I don't really mean it, and most of it comes from the chaos and horrible life I live which causes me to feel hopeless and powerless.
I just wish Satan would help a little with my life, and do something with my mom so I don't have to deal with her anymore. I have no love for her at all, and I wish she would just die most of the time. Im a grown ass man but I still have issues and most of the time I feel childlike because I never had a good childhood. The home I live in right now is the same house I grew up in, and my room is full of holes in the walls and my bedroom door is nearly busted down from my teenage years when my mom got drunk and attacks me for no reason. Its hard for me to control my anger and I live in a constant state of rage most of the time.
I try to make Satan and Satanism the center of my life because I don't have anything else. A lot of times I sit in complete poverty and near starvation. Ive been really lucky the past 2 months, my grandmother is helping us pay our bills, but that's ending soon. Most of the time I don't have internet or electricity, and living off of food stamps that my mom has control over, and sells food to people every month to feed her addiction instead of feeding the family. I don't have a job or any type of income, and I sit here and stagnate in constant rage and misery, and I think about suicide a lot. I just want to escape, and in my mid teens I started to get into paganism and witchcraft as my personal escape from problems in life, which later on led me to Satanism.
But I feel left out and abandoned by Satan and I cant tell if he hears my prayers or not, and that just leads to more and more depression since I cant even tell if the gods and Satan are with me in my times of need and the person I try to make the center of my life is ignoring me. I truly feel alone most of the time, and its a loneliness that I can feel in my soul and it hurts with so much unimageable pain and panic that you people with stable homes, money, and happiness will never understand. I wish none of you guys ever feel that kind of pain. Its the worst that words cant even describe. Im still here after all the things I go through and still standing proud to be a Satanist. Most of the people that would have been through all the things ive been through would have given up and killed themselves by now. But im still here and still trying to advance. Ive noticed that even though the depression ive been through was bad, it made me develop powerful endurance and resistance to these types of things. Nothing has ever made me go completely insane, and nothing has been able to drive me to suicide, even though its on my mind a lot. Im able to outlast most people that are in this type of situation, and that is one of my biggest strengths. But I only wish that Satan or any of the gods would visit me in some way, that would make me so happy, but right now I feel so lonely and unhappy.
I don't post much on the forums, and I really need to start posting and communicating a lot more with other members, but im naturally a shy and quiet person and im trying to stop being that way, but its hard. I am on the forums a lot and I read most of the posts on here, even though I don't make many posts myself.
Im feeling really tired and im going to sleep now, since ive been awake for like 20 hours. I wish you guys the best of luck in life, and don't let this type of loneliness and depression ever get to you, because it'll eat at you until you are nothing but a complete evil monster inside.