AskSatanOperator
Well-known member
Disclaimer, HUGE RANT full of negative emotions.
Literally all throughout my life I have been nothing but a fucking pussy of a male with huge anger issues and inferiority complexes. I was bullied non stop from childhood by literally everyone. Was constantly humiliated for my femininity as a child. Never could grasp what masculinity even was and I'm always so fucking jealous of other men for having that. I have never tried to purposely let out my weakness parade in front of others as a homosexual, unlike those lgbt weirdos.
I asked for a possible demon to be with me from Father in a ritual, and the night after, I very vividly was in the astral and saw a blond man with blue eyes smiling at me, with a very shiny aura.
Well guess what a fucking year has passed and no matter how fucking hard I try to keep up with my meditations I always fail. Either I have no energy or life gets in the way. And btw the so called demon never even reached out to me and I heavily suspect it was just an enemy thoughtform or illusion, masquerading as one, with the gods not giving a fuck as usual.
I think the gods are too busy to care about me and my little human problems and just think that yea we gave humans the tools, they have to go through their own pains alone etc.. since it's kinda the same attitude many people here have.
I dont even know where to put my belief or faith anymore. I'm just so tired and done. I wish I had not even been created on the astral. I wish I could just dissipate, only to not be alive with so much shitty karma.
I literally can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I do not like the way I look and I absolutely blame all my physical genetic bullshit diseases, ugliness and shortcomings on my fucking parents and especially my disgusting father who abused me all the time and is so filthy I just wish he was dead.
No matter what I do I just can't ever feel enough.
I have went to the gym consistently multiple times but no matter what the fuck I did I never felt any better about myself or more confident. I've always been a pushover.
I honestly don't even think the gods give a damn.
I've tried every fucking meditation. For months on end. Not a single damn thing has changed.
Honestly if you all see what my birth chart is like, you'd be absolutely disturbed at certain points.
I dont even know why I'm writing this. I barely even know who I am or what existence as a human even means anymore.
I've reached a point where only having the physical tangible things that I need will make me happy. But apparently I can't have them without enduring some more fucking massive backfire and no results.
Everyone judges me and hates me. If my parents weren't alive I would be incompetent enough to die right on the spot.
I dont understand how I'm supposed to help myself on my own according to the philosophy presented here, when I barely can exist for a moment without feeling hypersensitive over everything. And I can't operate or function properly.
I just wish I could see and talk to a god for one time so that I know that I'm not just another cannon fodder or straight up delusional, thinking that there's an actual value placed rather than being simply neglected bevause of my inferiority. I have had experiences of course, but honestly the highlight of them all was the "demon companion".
I want to be who I desire, have what I want.... but it just looks like I can't. Life is such a bitch she always slams me hard right into the concrete the moment she sees me bat an eye even.
Pathetic...
It's just so sad when you think about it.
Reply if you want, or don't.
I'm exhausted from all this so called life I have been living. It's just not worth it. Living.
Every moment is suffering.
I wish I was just dead. Rather than a bug stuck in the rug.
Literally all throughout my life I have been nothing but a fucking pussy of a male with huge anger issues and inferiority complexes. I was bullied non stop from childhood by literally everyone. Was constantly humiliated for my femininity as a child. Never could grasp what masculinity even was and I'm always so fucking jealous of other men for having that. I have never tried to purposely let out my weakness parade in front of others as a homosexual, unlike those lgbt weirdos.
I asked for a possible demon to be with me from Father in a ritual, and the night after, I very vividly was in the astral and saw a blond man with blue eyes smiling at me, with a very shiny aura.
Well guess what a fucking year has passed and no matter how fucking hard I try to keep up with my meditations I always fail. Either I have no energy or life gets in the way. And btw the so called demon never even reached out to me and I heavily suspect it was just an enemy thoughtform or illusion, masquerading as one, with the gods not giving a fuck as usual.
I think the gods are too busy to care about me and my little human problems and just think that yea we gave humans the tools, they have to go through their own pains alone etc.. since it's kinda the same attitude many people here have.
I dont even know where to put my belief or faith anymore. I'm just so tired and done. I wish I had not even been created on the astral. I wish I could just dissipate, only to not be alive with so much shitty karma.
I literally can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I do not like the way I look and I absolutely blame all my physical genetic bullshit diseases, ugliness and shortcomings on my fucking parents and especially my disgusting father who abused me all the time and is so filthy I just wish he was dead.
No matter what I do I just can't ever feel enough.
I have went to the gym consistently multiple times but no matter what the fuck I did I never felt any better about myself or more confident. I've always been a pushover.
I honestly don't even think the gods give a damn.
I've tried every fucking meditation. For months on end. Not a single damn thing has changed.
Honestly if you all see what my birth chart is like, you'd be absolutely disturbed at certain points.
I dont even know why I'm writing this. I barely even know who I am or what existence as a human even means anymore.
I've reached a point where only having the physical tangible things that I need will make me happy. But apparently I can't have them without enduring some more fucking massive backfire and no results.
Everyone judges me and hates me. If my parents weren't alive I would be incompetent enough to die right on the spot.
I dont understand how I'm supposed to help myself on my own according to the philosophy presented here, when I barely can exist for a moment without feeling hypersensitive over everything. And I can't operate or function properly.
I just wish I could see and talk to a god for one time so that I know that I'm not just another cannon fodder or straight up delusional, thinking that there's an actual value placed rather than being simply neglected bevause of my inferiority. I have had experiences of course, but honestly the highlight of them all was the "demon companion".
I want to be who I desire, have what I want.... but it just looks like I can't. Life is such a bitch she always slams me hard right into the concrete the moment she sees me bat an eye even.
Pathetic...
It's just so sad when you think about it.
Reply if you want, or don't.
I'm exhausted from all this so called life I have been living. It's just not worth it. Living.
Every moment is suffering.
I wish I was just dead. Rather than a bug stuck in the rug.