I know there's a lot of you who feel it.
A
lot of you.
It's not something uncommon or rare around here, I've been seeing it for years ever since I joined JoS in 2010. That feeling of how hard everything seems to be, how difficult it feels. You feel like you can't do anything, you're struggling to feel your third eye, or you don't get that energy buzz you expect to get. Or maybe you think nothing is working, maybe you're dealing with doubt about all of this because you're not getting the results you expect to get, or maybe you're thinking something is wrong with you and you'll never be able to get anywhere with your efforts.
You tell yourself or others "I've been trying forever!" or "It doesn't matter how hard I focus or visualize, how loud I vibrate words or how long I spend meditating, I'm not feeling anything how am I supposed to believe this is even real?" this can go on for months or years and the longer it goes on the more doubt you feel yourself being filled with.
I'm here to tell you I have been in that exact spot, and for a VERY long time and it took a lot to get to where I am now. I'm not coming here to throw things at you like "Oh you just need to try harder" or "Oh just don't give up." because back then for me, those kinds of words didn't help me either. I'm coming here to tell you everything from my own personal experience, my own personal history to tell you what it's actually like, to feel that doubt, what it takes to overcome it, and to prove to you that giving up would be the worst decision you ever make. I'm not a high priest, I'm not some holier-than-thou individual, I don't have special all-knowing powers and I am still a LONG way from even raising my kundalini. But the amount of progress I
have made is very real, and still very substantial; I'm just a member here like you.
I was just a kid then. I had just renounced and stepped away from christianity and I was exploring something new, something that scared me back then, something that I had no proof for other than the words and everything they had on their website at the time. I joined Joy of Satan for the first time when I was 13 and realized everything we have, makes too much sense to not believe, and I became a true satanist. When I started meditating for the first time, I felt silly. It was strange and confusing, and it was something I struggled to see credibility in. I will never forget the first time I tried opening my third-eye. I went on for weeks and weeks, then months, then a year, struggling to feel anything. I remember getting so upset that I wasn't feeling what I was told to expect.
I kept looking for 'logical' reasons to explain the little things I
did feel as if to justify the doubt. "What if that's just a tingling in my nerve?" or "This is just heat from my blood flow isn't it?... what kind of magic are they talking about?" and "But I see these shapes and swirls when I press my palms to my eyes too, what's so supernatural about this?" believe me I was my own worst enemy in advancement then. And when I wasn't doubting the credibility I was doubting my capabilities.
"This is too hard, it's not working!" and things like "It's never going to happen, it's never going to work, I just don't feel the energy.", "There must be something wrong with me, why can't I do this? Why is this taking forever?" Oh I told myself a dictionary's worth of everything that only prevented me from advancing. Because if you haven't noticed in almost every mentioning of every meditation and working, the most important thing is INTENT and BELIEVING. Energy is directed by the will, whatever the will expects or is thinking is what the energy will respond to. When you are frustrated or impatient, the energy actually 'locks up'. Frustration psychologically comes from the inability to do something we want to do, like a door not budging when you're in a rush for example, and if you're frustrated then the energy is going to respond to that by not doing what you want it to do even more, because that's what you're focusing on, that's the intent your subconsciously giving it, to BE frustrated.
You believe it's not working so... it doesn't. Not because it can't but because you're telling it not to due to directing it with your belief. I dealt with this all the time as a kid and trust me when I say, yes, it is difficult to overcome that doubt. It's not easy to suddenly just 'believe' that what you're doing is working. I had to stop expecting a result, stop setting a deadline, let go of the pressure of trying to feel what I was told I was supposed to feel and just relax, focus gently and casually do it for the sake of doing it. I stopped telling myself things like "I've been doing this forever, I should be feeling this by now!" and started saying "You know what... there is no deadline... there is no specified date as to when I will be able to feel this energy but I know it's not going to take me a life-time. I just need to stop fueling this doubt by setting expectations. I'll get there eventually, forget 'seeing how I feel' in a week, stop expecting to sense something, if I just keep exercising the ability like a muscle, if I just continue doing the meditations in a more relaxed mindset without worrying over the result, I will be able to make progress."
And yes, it takes time to be able to open up your senses to actually feel the energy, even if you get rid of all the doubt completely in one go, you still need to work on the ability and continue sensitizing yourself by focusing on the energy and your meditations, it IS like a muscle, you need to get 'strong' enough to feel the results. How long it takes is different for everybody, that first bit, which is even feeling anything to begin with at the start,
is the hardest, but once you get over it things will get a bit easier little by little over time. I remember the first energy buzz I got from the foundation meditation after 2 years of doubt and finally just letting that doubt go. I remembered reading about it and the descriptions of it but still never had a clue as to what it felt like or how to know if I got it. But then one day I had it so powerfully that it was undeniable as to what it was. And let me tell you, the descriptions you've probably read about it feeling like a painless sunburn and tingling isn't very... descriptive of how it actually is. It feels like you're suddenly very jittery with this electrical adrenaline feeling coursing through you, you'll notice it mostly in your arms and hands.
If you level your hands out in front of you after a meditation or any energy working and they're trembling like crazy and very jittery and you struggle to hold them still as if something electrically stimulating is contained within that's kind of running up along past your hands up your arms and is almost feeling like it's trying to escape out your body,
that is an energy buzz, and it can course through the whole body on more extreme levels. It just feels like, well, like you have a lot of pent up energy. That's literally how I tell if I've got an energy buzz, whether it's from me meditating or a more powerful being (like one of the demons for example) is near me, their energy rubbing off on me and increasing mine to produce the buzz, I just hold my hands up and see if they're trembling with that overwhelming feeling of energy in my hands and arms.
And yes, even when you see evidence like this you can still suffer from doubt about it all being real and actual magick, that's happened with me. I start getting energy buzzes, I start recognizing what it felt to feel my chakras and aura for the first time, and yet I still wondered if all of it was real or in my head. Whether I thought it was real or not though, it was something and it was more than what I had before, so I just kept going, just getting by the idea that I was feeling something and at least the FEELING was real. I still wasn't sure about the demons and stuff and the astral back then. Over the course of a couple years I started sensitizing more and more to energy, eventually turning my focus on the astral more often in order to even further feel the energy.
I suddenly started dealing with things I was confused about. I started feeling random spontaneous onsets of dread and depression, I would get this cold needle-like feeling of despair in my mind when meditating, and it got so bad once that I had gone to the hospital countless times for so many things. Back then it took me a while to figure it out; it was the enemy. Those bug-eyed alien greys were psychically attacking me on the astral, and mind you this was all before I did the
dedication ritual to Satan for protection, so I was on my own in defending myself and let me tell you... you can't do it, especially when starting out like I was. I knew all of the ways to protect myself but I was not yet strong enough to really completely fight them off back then, but I kept trying anyways because I'm stubborn. This is why I strongly encourage anyone serious on this path that you must, must, MUST dedicate as soon as possible.
The enemy started attacking me because I was actually making progress in my meditations, I was actually advancing for the first time and getting somewhere, so suddenly I was a threat to them, and to this day I'm even more so where I'm the one actually threatening them personally. About a month ago I remember feeling that same cold needle-like feeling of despair and recognized it in familiarity immediately (that's the benefit of experiencing these things, you learn to recognize them and react accordingly), a grey had come to try and attack me again and I spoke out to it and threatened to do another RTR, and I wasn't lying I fully intended to and have done so before every time they attack me as a consequence for even daring to do so, I even did 12 once in a single sitting to make a solid point and let me tell you my RTRs are
intense because I'm always venting and visualizing
lots of hostile, enraged and hateful energy towards the enemy so they have reason to fear it. Almost immediately after I threatened it, the dread went away, the grey backed off and I felt fine again. Sometimes that's disappointing because I do take joy now in harming them and making them suffer, I've long lost all fear of them and take great joy in
their fear and suffering now, THAT is how far I've come.
Over the years of these experiences and growing familiar and recognizing things as I continued advancing and meditating, I started losing doubt about all of it being real. I've communicated with Satan and the gods on multiple occasions in various ways, signs, dreams, energy responses, being 'shown' things, I know immediately when one is in the room with me now, I've even heard my guardian demon calling out my name and I've had a full fledged conversation telepathically once. I am far from ever doubting all of this because not only do I feel it but I see it, I hear it, I experience it every day.
I've come from the point of struggling to feel energy for so long, struggling to believe that I could do anything, to the point of now being able to even see ghosts, feel when someone is radiating negative energy (often the person is feeling anxiety when I sense this, or so they tell me when I ask them if they're okay after I feel it) hear demons legit speak to me, pick up on the thoughts of other people around me (especially when these thoughts are directed at me whether they're thinking of asking me a question or thinking about me in general) recognize when the enemy is attacking me or is looming around me, all of my major chakras are open and I can feel them, their energy and location in my soul just by focusing on them for a single second, I have been to the astral realm, I have brought misfortune and bad luck to people who have harmed me by manipulating energy and I have seen the results of my own workings, I have healed things on my body with energy that wouldn't go away for years using other medicinal methods, I have BROUGHT money to me with money workings.
I have come SO unbelievably far from where I was 9 years ago, so far from that little boy who couldn't even feel even a little bit of energy of which comes so unbelievably easy and naturally to me now. I simply can NOT imagine where I would be or what would have happened to me by now if I had given up, if I hadn't gotten to this point to be able to not only see the truth but experience it, to this point of being able to defend myself and control things to where I'm personally involved in this war, personally involved with fighting the enemy, personally seeing everything revealed around me, to this point where happiness literally is a choice and I can make it happen just my putting energy towards it.
Working on this path is working towards truth, it's working towards power, control, freedom. It's working towards finding yourself, your purpose, who you can be. But you have to persevere through many things. It is not easy and immortality is not going to be handed to you, you need to make effort, you need to learn to discipline yourself, you need to put in the time. If I could take back all those lazy moments I had back then where I chose to play video games or watch movies or do anything else other than meditate, I would, because I'm pretty sure I would be even more so further than where I am now. But hey, you learn from your mistakes and this is definitely a learning path.
So here we are. I'm showing you this revealing of doubt, this thing that can control you if you let it, that can hold you back for years and years if you allow it to. I'm holding fear, I'm holding laziness, I'm holding it right in front of you right in my hand, I'm showing you what can bring you down and what can tame you into a slave. Now what are you going to do with it? Are you going to submit to it? Or are you going to knock it out of my hand and throw it away, prove to yourself that you were the one with the control all along?
Are you going to persevere? Because I've been through all of that, I've done that whole song and dance and I've had to make that effort, to make that fight to discipline myself, to fight off that doubt, that laziness, that negative mindset and it wasn't easy, but I fought it to get to where I am now, where I'm continuing to advance, where I'm still growing even stronger, even more powerful every day, where I'm gaining and improving my capabilities. I'VE persevered, I am living proof that it CAN be done, that it's not impossible. I was a little kid, a
kid... I told myself back then that I couldn't do it all, that I wasn't able to, that I never would... but I did. And here I am. Right where you can be too. And yes, you can and you will.
Just persevere.
That is what it means to be a warrior, that is what it means to be a fighter, that is what it means, to be a True Satanist.
