Hello group. About a couple of weeks ago, I made my commitment. I gave this a lot of thought. I am extremely analytical and research just about everything. A little of my history and maybe a few questions. I have a strong spirit and have felt that since I was young. I remember conversations my mom had when I was only months old. I understood everything she was saying but was unable to communicate it to her. I would tell her some of it years later and she would look at me in shock. Anyway, I was out of the house when I was 14. I started on pot around 10, started psychedelics when I was between 11 or 12 and was shooting heroin at 14. Most people did not know my age and were shocked when they found out how old I was. I had many experiences and they led me into Buddhism and meditation. I quit doing drugs around 15 and the last time I used a psychedelic, it was not a good thing. So, I spent a lot of my time in turmoil. A friend of my mom's took me to Christ. I accepted it trying to get myself back together but could not understand why so much of the old knowledge was not accepted. Also, I used to argue with a lot of educated Christians about the Council of Nicea and the creation of what is the bible. Most Christians do not know that the bible was created well after the death of their savior and many books were not included because they did not conform to what Constantine wanted everyone to know. So, I kind of stayed a Christian but did not really adhere to any one group or go to any one person.
Life has gone on for me up to recently. The past few years have been very tumultuous for me. I have just had so many bad things happen all at once, including this woman that is the love of my life. She asked me to leave her this last Christmas and I did. I ended up just so depressed with my situation. I turned to Christ, the saints, the Archangels, anyone in Catholic/Christian hierarchy that should be able to help me. No answers, as there never really ever seemed to be any answers in my life, just some force that would look out for me and get me out of things now and then. Anyway, during the beginning of this year, I wanted this woman back so started to research spell casting. One of the spells was supposed to be black magic and I was reluctant to use it but I did as sometimes desperation will make you do anything. Then I started to research conjuring Djinn. This lead to me realizing that I would be conjuring the legions of Shaitan. This again got me a little worried but my love for this woman made me take that step with no results. I hit walls so many times. I had given up and tried meditation to find her and then spell casting came up in my mind again. So, I started to research me spell casting. In that research, this site happened to pop up. I, of course, was extremely reluctant to get involved in any form of Satanism. And, I was about to close the web page when I saw "The Joy of Satan" at the bottom. That caught me off guard. I started looking and saw "Spiritual Santanism". First thing that pops into my mind is "BS"! Then I start reading. As I have had years of reading volumes like the <em>Śrīmad Bhāgavatam</em>, I saw the similarities and it interested me. I left Buddhism when I quit drugs as I felt it was of some kind of Satanic background (ideas put in my head by the Christians I knew). But, I always loved the tenants of Buddhism, just in private.
So, as I read the pages on the site, I thought really hard about this and even prayed to Satan for answers and guidance prior to making a commitment. Last thing I wanted was this to be a dead end too. And yes, part of me wanted to find if Satan could help me with my problems. So, half of me was driven by my insatiable quest for knowledge and the other half was driven by my love of this woman and wanting to get her back and to help with some other issues in my life.
After my commitment to Satan, I have read and I have prayed but have not felt any different. I have not seen or felt Satan like most say they do. I am not sure what I am missing. I don't know if I am closed up and can't see or if it is that maybe Satan does not see me or care to because of my past. I do not give up. I meditate on incense every night, ask for his guidance, ask for his help with my problems. Nothing yet. I feel this has been something that has been missing from my life for a long time, as how can knowledge and enlightenment be evil? Anyway, it is hard for me to believe those saying they are in contact with Satan as my previous experiences in other things tell me otherwise. Yet, I have seen things and have been places in my youth when I knew what it was all about and could see the beauty of enlightenment and real love.
I guess my real question would be what am I doing wrong here? Maybe I am out of line expecting Satan to just come to me like that and to acknowledge me. That does not deter me, however, from meditating. Also, I read that you communicate with him through telepathy. I try that and also verbally pray to him. And I wondered why your commitment prayer would have to be spoken and yet we are supposed to communicate with him telepathically.
Please, don't get me wrong. I am not questioning the validity here, I just am trying to figure out if I am doing things wrong. Any help, any advice would be appreciated. I normally find things out on my own but I have been down such a few hard paths and this latest one is the hardest one as get towards the twilight of my years. I hope those with experience can point to the direction I need to follow.
Thank you. And I want to thank Satan for (hopefully) accepting me with him.