Evening all.
I've been searching through the forum and have been unable to find answers to a question. Before asking anything, I would just like to give some background info on my past and current situation.
I joined JoS around 2015, which was an extremely difficult time in my life. I was struggling with extremely bad depression, to the level of considering suicide on the daily. The degree I studied at the time, Computer science, was a complete shit show and I went looking for answers online. After reading through the resources on the website, I did my dedication and started the beginner meditation program (If I remember correctly, it was a 30 day program?). Things went extremely well for the two years, life started to take shape and I got accepted into my Bachelors of Laws in 2017 - which is where it hit the fan again. Early into my first year, I got involved in a company that introduced me to a lot of new people and I would have to spend time with them, to understand their needs and try find suitable solutions for it. I met a woman, who invited me to her workplace to discuss life in general, after which I was invited to some xmas party. Naturally I declined but things didn't feel right after this. I started getting extremely depressed again, to the point where I would constantly have suicide on my mind. Naturally I sought help and was put on medication, which didn't last more than 3 or so months. I deliberately stopped drinking them, as I just couldn't feel anything. Between 2017 and 2018, I tried balancing working and studying at the same time, which didn't work out to well, both for my marks and my well-being.
At this point, I had long forgotten about my daily meditation and my reading - You don't need to tell me, I know. Lowe and behold, this woman shows up again randomly and invites me to meet her son and his fiancé. I decided that it would be good and met with them for drinks. The whole night was a very strange ordeal, lots of drinking and talking and I ended up agreeing to go to some meeting with them. The meeting was to be at a church - again, I know. I ended up going, felt extremely out of place and uncomfortable, didn't listen to a word the guy in the front said and 45 mins later, I was enrolled into their church - shocking right. A month or so went by and I get invited to a party at one of the guys' house, loud music, lots of shit talking and climbing into people's heads. I was lead to believe that swimming with the guys apparently will cure all my ails. "Congratulations Woncic, you are now baptized" are the only words I remember from the night. Ended up going with them 2 or 3 times and still felt out and I never went again.
Looking back at this, I'm unsure what happened and sitting in front of my laptop typing it out - sounds ludicrous. Now to the current. Since that encounter, I've been having an extremely hard time staying afloat. I somehow managed to get all the way into my final year but with a massive brick wall in front of me. Daily mental drifts, involving me thinking of means and ways to harm myself and others, extreme anger, dreams of murder and death, that kind of stuff. Last night, I felt the need to just talk to Satan, which I did. I asked him to forgive me for what I did and to help me through this but I felt empty - like my soul was just void. Now the questions you've been waiting for: 1) What the actual fxxx happened to me that night and how?? 2) Is there redemption, if I honestly and truly want to serve Satan with my entire being? 3) Can anyone please help me because at this point, I'm ready to just fade away?
I know that I'm meant for something greater than just being, I've felt so my entire life but I fear that I have lost my chance.
Please, can someone help me.
Please.
Sincerely,
Woncic.
Ps. I've resorted to sarcasm as a means to deal with the constant dread I feel. Please don't think I'm trying to play down the severity of the problem.
I've been searching through the forum and have been unable to find answers to a question. Before asking anything, I would just like to give some background info on my past and current situation.
I joined JoS around 2015, which was an extremely difficult time in my life. I was struggling with extremely bad depression, to the level of considering suicide on the daily. The degree I studied at the time, Computer science, was a complete shit show and I went looking for answers online. After reading through the resources on the website, I did my dedication and started the beginner meditation program (If I remember correctly, it was a 30 day program?). Things went extremely well for the two years, life started to take shape and I got accepted into my Bachelors of Laws in 2017 - which is where it hit the fan again. Early into my first year, I got involved in a company that introduced me to a lot of new people and I would have to spend time with them, to understand their needs and try find suitable solutions for it. I met a woman, who invited me to her workplace to discuss life in general, after which I was invited to some xmas party. Naturally I declined but things didn't feel right after this. I started getting extremely depressed again, to the point where I would constantly have suicide on my mind. Naturally I sought help and was put on medication, which didn't last more than 3 or so months. I deliberately stopped drinking them, as I just couldn't feel anything. Between 2017 and 2018, I tried balancing working and studying at the same time, which didn't work out to well, both for my marks and my well-being.
At this point, I had long forgotten about my daily meditation and my reading - You don't need to tell me, I know. Lowe and behold, this woman shows up again randomly and invites me to meet her son and his fiancé. I decided that it would be good and met with them for drinks. The whole night was a very strange ordeal, lots of drinking and talking and I ended up agreeing to go to some meeting with them. The meeting was to be at a church - again, I know. I ended up going, felt extremely out of place and uncomfortable, didn't listen to a word the guy in the front said and 45 mins later, I was enrolled into their church - shocking right. A month or so went by and I get invited to a party at one of the guys' house, loud music, lots of shit talking and climbing into people's heads. I was lead to believe that swimming with the guys apparently will cure all my ails. "Congratulations Woncic, you are now baptized" are the only words I remember from the night. Ended up going with them 2 or 3 times and still felt out and I never went again.
Looking back at this, I'm unsure what happened and sitting in front of my laptop typing it out - sounds ludicrous. Now to the current. Since that encounter, I've been having an extremely hard time staying afloat. I somehow managed to get all the way into my final year but with a massive brick wall in front of me. Daily mental drifts, involving me thinking of means and ways to harm myself and others, extreme anger, dreams of murder and death, that kind of stuff. Last night, I felt the need to just talk to Satan, which I did. I asked him to forgive me for what I did and to help me through this but I felt empty - like my soul was just void. Now the questions you've been waiting for: 1) What the actual fxxx happened to me that night and how?? 2) Is there redemption, if I honestly and truly want to serve Satan with my entire being? 3) Can anyone please help me because at this point, I'm ready to just fade away?
I know that I'm meant for something greater than just being, I've felt so my entire life but I fear that I have lost my chance.
Please, can someone help me.
Please.
Sincerely,
Woncic.
Ps. I've resorted to sarcasm as a means to deal with the constant dread I feel. Please don't think I'm trying to play down the severity of the problem.