Narcissistic trauma

[Sta_Satanama]

Hello. I ask for advice, although I have read a lot of them, but maybe someone had a similar experience of healing? I'm speaking through a translator, I'm from Russia. So there may be mistakes in the text.


Half my life I've been digging into myself and not so long ago I discovered my main psychological trauma. Narcissistic trauma.

My parents didn't love me, didn't accept me, didn't approve of me, didn't talk to me fully, didn't interest me, didn't teach me feelings, support. I am lonely all my life and made a conclusion that I am not needed in this life. That's how I feel now at 33.
Narcis - for safety reasons, when he was still a baby, he had to create in his mind an image of his "ideal self" and draw from it something safe and comforting. But years later, I'm lost in it all. I don't know who I am, I can't express myself freely, I'm stuck in my mind. I devalue my whole life, myself, everything I have. ( This is so deep seated that it is completely automatic).
Problems with socialization. I am fixated on myself. I look for myself in other people's opinions of me like I'm 3 years old still.
I don't enjoy life, I can't even imagine myself happy. I don't understand where I am and where my false image of myself is.

I already doubt that it is possible to live freely and fully and joyfully.

I would like to start psychotherapy on my problem with a specialist, but there are no such in my city. A lot of finances need to go to another city, to pay there to a specialist and still live on something.

I am in remission after drug addiction.

10 years of my life was on substances, mostly marijuana. I realize now why I was hooked on it. It allows me to fantasize in the best light about myself and creates a good self-esteem, in illusions of course.

Of course, I killed myself pretty badly with it.



But a narcissist is used to living in illusions all his life. In reality it seems to him that there is nothing interesting in him, as well as in life in general.

I wish I'd grown up with a fully developed psyche and self-esteem.
Now I feel like this - I'd rather live this life and that's it.

 

[Aarti]

i would like to say that im very very sorry for what you are going through. about your family and about drugs. first of all, please make sure that you have completely gave up drugs. and never, ever go back to it again. it is a scourge that is very difficult to get rid of once you are infected. if you have a friend who smokes, stay away from him/her. do not even taste it. it is even worse than killing yourself.
2ndly, even if our family is good, we can be exposed to traumas because of the people around us. i dont know how long you have been meditating, but im answering assuming that you are not a beginner and that you are at a certain level. (if you are a beginner and have little experience in meditation, i do not recommend these).
you can do negative karma breaking spell to resolve your traumas. munka is ideal for this. or you can also do a psychological healing work with the wunjo rune.
you can also do sun square for your self-confidence. these will not force you.
during psychological spells, some of your traumas will be revived, triggered (i.e. your soul will vomit them up) and then it will move on to cleansing. please be careful.
i dont know what you went through with your biological family but Joy of Satan is always your real family.