Getting rid of romantic feelings for someone

[aimeecollins19]

Hi everyone,

I performed my dedication ritual when I was 17. I'm 19 now. I just haven't been very active on this message group.

I'm sorry that I'm bursting in with a question right away, instead of getting to meet people before that, but I just need an answer. Right now, I have a best friend. I can't imagine not having him in my life, from the minute that I met him. I have romantic feelings for him that have passed a crush long ago. I guess I'm in love with someone that doesn't even have romantic feelings for me. No iea in the world how you can go from a crush to love for someone that doesn't return the feelings.

I guess I shouldn't have kept so much contact with him (we sit next to each other at every class we have, we hang out and study a lot, he gives me massages sometimes, he said that he feels physically attracted to me), but what can I do? Break off contact with everyone that I get a crush on? I don't want to force myself to do that. I don't want to have to do that. I don't want a crush, or even love, to unable me to do anything, or to hold me back. I wanted to "teach" myself to keep contact with someone, despite no feelings being returned.

Now he's had a date with someone that's not me. I hate the "You should be mine, don't you see that?!" feeling that he awakens in me. Looking at the big picture, this shouldn't stop me from being friends with him. But it hurts so much, that I just want to protect myself and remove myself from this... situation. I've regularly wondered if the pain was/is worth it. Sometimes the answer is no, sometimes the answer is yes.

Bottom line is: my feelings for him are going to make me break off contact with him, while I don't want to lose him. Since there's no way to make him fall in love with me (I do not want to use magic, or manipulate his aura, I feel like this would be unfair to him), I'd rather have my romantic feelings for me to go away.

Is there any way to accomplish this, to make it permament? Is there any way to avoid falling in love with someone any way? I'm already hanging out with a lot of other friends, I exercise a lot as a hobby, including group exercises, I do a lot of stuff on my own, so I'm already getting a lot of distraction. I don't fantasize about "what if" and such anymore (which takes a lot of willpower and strength - apparently I'm stronger than I thought). But the feelings don't go away. I just don't want to condemn myself to breaking off contact with everyone that I get feelings for. I don't want to be forced to letting go of people my entire life.

(I can and I do discuss this with my best friend. He feels sorry that I feel this way, and has assured me that I won't lose him, that he'll make sure of that. And even though that's very kind and reassuring, it also makes me wonder "how can you say that, how can you feel attracted to me, how can you not want to lose me, without having romantic feelings for me?")

I'm aware that I'm only 19, and that crushes and feelings should pass. It's just that my crushes and romantic feelings don't pass on their own, they pass when I meet "the next person" so to say. Even breaking off contact doesn't help, it just hurts a lot and destroys something for no reason at all. I'm done with breaking things where breaking things is pointless, and shouldn't have to be necessary.

So please, some help or some ideas on how to fix this?
 

 

[the_fire_starter666]

I think the solution is so simple that you probably haven't thought of. Very simple: Just keep contact with that person and ignore those feelings you get. You can't really force yourself to not want someone, just keep doing that and you'll eventually not feel those anymore.
There's one important thing to understand before that though: You need to accept those love/crush feelings you have first. If you resist them or try to get rid of them or suppress them, they'll only get worse. Just acknowledge them that they are okay for you, but that you'd prefer to not feel them.
I'm guessing that's what you probably doing, i.e. suppressing them or something like that from the description you give. You should never, ever suppress any feelings, no matter whether you want them or not. If you suppress a feeling, not only it becomes stronger, but it will probably come out in a negative or unhealthy way as well.

 

[the_fire_starter666]

I also want to add here that you can't really "get rid" of a feeling. You can only replace it and focus on something else, some other feeling. That's very important to understand because trying to "get rid" of a feeling focuses more on that feeling, because the human mind doesn't understand get rid of. It only understands what you want to focus on. You just need to fully accept that feeling and choose to focus on some other thing to bring about another feeling instead to replace it.

 

[aimeecollins19]

Well, I just wrote a very long reply, only to get a "Could not send your message" pop-up when I tried to send it. I can't find it anywhere now, so I guess it's just gone.

Let me write it all down again .

Thank you for replying so quickly, Fire Starter!

What other feelings/what else should I focus on when I'm around him, then? Because I personally don't have any idea. A lot of the things that I'm feeling when I'm around him are tied in, or the cause of the crush. So wouldn't it be counter-productive to focus on the things that caused the feelings to begin with? For example, I feel safe and trusted when I'm around him, like I can tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me at all, but I can't really focus on that, can I? Because that would just make the feelings stronger, just like suppressing them would.

Oh, yes, and now that I'm talking about supressing anyway. I'm kind of stuck between "ignore" and "suppress". I know that suppressing feelings will lead to bigger emotional problems later on, but I have/had no idea how to make it bearable otherwise.

And now I'm copying and pasting this somewhere just in case it gets lost again, before I hit "send" .

 

[aimeecollins19]

Thank you for replying so quickly, Fire Starter!

I did experience that you can't get rid of a feeling, so right now I'm kind of stuck between "ignore" and "suppress". What should I focus on instead of the feelings that I have, or the emotional pain that comes with being rejected? I mean, when I'm with the guy, I just feel a mix of romantic feelings and emotional pain because they are unanswered. I wouldn't know what else to focus on. I could focus on the safe, trusted feeling that being around him gives me, but that ties in with the crush.

In case anyone is wondering, I am taking measures to gain self-confidence (in case anyone thinks I'm falling in love to get someones's approval and to feel better about myself). I started doing things that I normally wouldn't do, because they were scary or new. I'm talking to a psychologist who's trying to help me get more confident and to be less negative. We talk about my crush as well, but all she can say about that is "Enjoy what you have now, don't break it by being stuck in your unanswered feelings, and do a lot of other stuff so you're distracted and your entire world doesn't revolve around him."

I guess the confidence is something that I'll have to work on for my entire life, to keep it up so to speak.

 

[centralforce6661]

Love is hard. Feelings are not easy either and suppressing a feeling or ignoring is very unhealthy.

But this kind of thing can be difficult to live with, especially if you have to see him every day or be reminded of it. I've felt like this before and quite honestly I have to say every time I have brought it to Satan.

He has given me solutions beyond what I could have imagined, some of which I had to put in my own energy but He has always met me more than halfway...

No coping technique or crutch is going to make it easy but it sounds like you've got it tough already. Seek Satan and He will guide you through.

HAIL SATAN!

 

[descipleofthegods13]

What the hell. While on this subject, I am also a person who typically supresses their feelings about most things, to everything. It's how I learned how to survive in a grief, torment striken world, the world in general, and my own.

Due to these psychotic fucks(greys) being in my life since birth I was never happy(yeah, I was one of those really unlucky ones -_-), and didn't know how to address such feelings growing up as they were too advanced/complex, so I just bottled them, for whatever reason besides having a DTA attitude.

I now live in a place which is causing me an extreme amount of distress everyday because it's out in the middle of nowhere, I barely make it livable. It hate it with extreme intensity I would literally burn it down if I could.
It's a retard infested(xian/pisslamist) community. With on top of that here it comes wait for it....  ... It's saturated with rednecks/hillbilly's/hicks etc.. So, I live among the lowest of on the IQ racket, as well as my personal interests, which typically lnclude tennis, pool, bowling, some form of martial arts, talking walks, which is next to impossible due to it raining a lot here, and it being muddy as fuck... and it's just entirely drab.

I've talked to Father Satan about this a few times, if I am recounting correctly. He's helped me a lot. I'm not as miserable as I used to be, which was pretty goddamn horrible. I hate feeling lonely, especially in the middle of the fuckin' woods where the only sport is muhhddin'..... or hunhntin'..... and most people add a fucking y in every other goddamn word they speak. Point blank, I also am stuck for the time being with my mom's side of the family .

I despise them all, as they're the more hardcore xian side except for my uncle. Not just that though, they all seems like inbred hicks. I mean, who the fuck pronounces the word tomato as mater. FUCK...

I basically have no outlet... which is crippling me slowly. hence the light statement as to my true feelings want to burn it down.

Any suggestion?

 

[the_fire_starter666]

Ignoring them isn't unhealthy at all. On the contrary, not ignoring them and keep dwelling on them and getting ashamed/worried about them can be bad. If a person feels bad feelings about the feeling it only multiplies that feeling and makes it worse. That's what not ignoring is. Ignoring means knowing that isn't as much important because it has been created by random thoughts you were keeping telling yourself about that person. Feelings are created by thoughts, they are easy if you know how they work.
That's what I mean ignore. You have to fully accept a feeling though before you can be able to ignore its effects and simply focus on something else to bring new feelings. Ignoring isn't the same as suppression, because when you're suppressing it it means you struggle or fight it. It's just changing your focus, that's all. Something very basic.
Usually just accepting them fully them dissolves the feeling altogether.

 

[the_fire_starter666]

It's not counterproductive at all to focus on the things about the person OBJECTIVELY. See the difference I'm saying? I'm talking about being in the present and not judging the other person at all. Just observing him/her. Being fully in the present and noticing things you see, hear, touch e.t.c. without judging them mentally. I'm sure you have seen many people who do focus this way on their friends and get no more feelings like those either.
The feeling doesn't get stronger without the things you tell yourself about that person. Remember that. Feelings are always, always created by thoughts. When you do Void Meditation and focus on the things you can sense on your present moment without labeling them in any way in your mind, then you get no obsessive feelings.
You can also create different feelings by thinking different thoughts about the other person. It can take some practice though.
Like I said, the first thing to do is accept them. Just fully focus on the feeling, how it feels e.t.c. when it comes. It'll be hard to ignore if it's strong, so it's better accept it first. After sometime you'll probably just ignore it automatically, it won't really look like a huge monster to you, it'll be like a little rabbit.
Ignoring minor things is something we automatically do all the time. It's just how the human mind works, because it can only focus on no more than one thing at the same time.

 

[the_fire_starter666]

I hope I don't get misunderstood when I say ignoring: I mean focusing on something else to get a new feeling. This happens automatically when you get some feeling and then some other thing comes to bring another one. Like saying you are very depressed and suddenly you get a notice that you've won the lottery and you immediately become very happy. In that case you just ignore the depression and become happy because you focus on something else. Is that unhealthy? Of course not. Some people however by ignoring mean masked suppression, and this can be bad. They try to unconsciously fight the feeling while they consciously think they ignore it.

 

[descipleofthegods13]

So basically, play observer with your own thoughts about things without tying too much into the emotions if something is unpleasent? I'm trying to understand, I mean, I'm... not used to talking about/addressing things like this. I'm usually stoic.

 

[centralforce6661]

I did initially misunderstand your use of the word ignoring yes. I know that for me, I have to face a feeling head on and really go through the why of the feeling to understand it's effect on my subconscious and concious mind before I can eliminate it totally. This is part of knowing oneself and without being able to know and understand your own feelings in a disciplined way (the undisciplined way is when you let a feeling control your thoughts and it spirals out of control) is key to being ready for kundalini ascension as this can bring up every feeling that is stuck in your subconscious.

It's important not to tie into the feeling too much though ie letting it control your thoughts as this can create panic, anxiety and/or depression which over time can damage the functioning of your organs not just your mind.. like when your heart palpitates when you are scared or nervous, this indicates the connection between the mind and the body.

Personally I think emotions arise from the subconscious mind, which can be explored by the concious mind through introspection but if we just merely focus on something or someone else, that feeling remains and will have to be dealt with eventually. However it does provide an avenue of relief to do so, to separate oneself from the feeling to think objectively for a while and come back to that feeling when you are good and ready to deal with it.

My understanding is that ignoring a feeling is at best a temporary measure, one that eases the pain at the surface but as a long term measure doesn't actually address the problem... this can only occur through introspection.

What is interesting about that is that every time I have asked Satan to assist me with deep and difficult emotional times, He has given me something far healthier and wholesome to focus on and much later (months, years) I have had to dredge up these old emotions in order to free my mind from their influence. Being far removed from the situation which caused them does make it easier to do.. of course we are all individuals and what works for me might not work for everyone but hopefully in the ten or so replies here Aimee there is something that is of worth to you.

 

[aimeecollins19]

Hi Fire Starter, Centralforce and Desciple,

I seen now that my first post did get through, as well as the second. All of your posts have a lot of information (although I don't think I'd be the best person to give you advice, Desciple ) and I need some time to process it all.

I often try to accept whatever it is that I'm feeling that I would rather not feel, or that which feels too "extreme" if you get what I mean, but it's hard. I'm so used to pushing them away, like "saving" them for later. Except of course, later never comes, because by the time later is there, I don't want to feel them any more.

In some way has gotten easier, though, because my best friend is dating this girl even though he doesn't really feelings for her. He wants to make it work with her. He says that he should look at the "complete picture" instead of going on feelings alone. At first, I felt really hurt, because he's doing that for a girl he's known for three weeks, instead of the girl he's known for almost a year now (that would be me). But then later, I realized that it's just someone's personal choice. He chose that girl and not me.

And that's OK now, somehow. I respect everyone's personal choices (as long as they aren't breaking any laws, or hurting anyone that hasn't brought it upon themselves), including this one.

Of course this might just be temporary. I've had enough "moments" where I'm all "I'm going to make my life better, I'm going to do what I feel like doing, even if other people think I'm weird, etc. etc." to know that some mindsets don't last forever. Unfortunately.

So, is there anything I can sort of "build up" from here? From this sense of peace, it's OK, this feeling of closure, etc.? And with anything, I mean along the lines of mindsets, to make me feel more secure about myself or something like that.