Feeling hopeless - please help

[DarkAries]

Greetings, to all, who are luckier with life than me! I might going to rant out, and sorry for that, but I fant really take much more of this.

Recently learned some news, which was enough to my barely existing mental health to get a deep diving, and instantly lose all hope I oainfully gathered.

With diabetes, even with a stable blood glucose and best case scenarios:
- overall energy level is reduced, since a part of your body constantly have to treat with it
- regeneration of muscles is reduced, as well as gaining muscles
- overall decrease memory, learning, cognitive skills
- immune system is weakened, even a basic flu takes more time to cure
- overall, type one diabetics live shorter than average, by 20 years

Of course, it took the average, and lot of patients doesnt treat it at all, but how much is that, maybe 2 percent? Even in best case scenario, these problems are still there for me. The great opposite, of what I wanted to be, not the mention my mental healt! I went from a nietzschien warrior-kind of mindset to so deep and dark near nihil depths, that the abys would shine with the light of a tausend stars compared to it!

And I, generously, dont understand why? Why, the actual fuck does this happened to me? What horrible, unspeakable crime I could have commited in this or a orevious life, to deserve this lifelong suffering? Because we can see in a positive mindset, negative mindset, I basically got permanently debuffed! Basically, whatever I do, I always just be 90 percent, of what I could be, what I could achive, or even less(for example a not so good bloodglucose could decrease muscle gain by 25 percent even!). There are some good days, when I dont think of these, but that doesnt change the core issue, that diabetes, whether you focus into it or not, makes you weaker. If you are as unfortunate as I to get diabetes, and as foolish as I to chose to live with it, it will make you ohysically, and mentally weaker. Not by much, but permanently weaker.

Just dont understand. This is the worst, actually the worst thing I ever experienced, questioned if I did the right thing not to die when get diagnosed even get close several times to overdose insulin before sleep(which would cause deadly hipoglycemia). Fuck, I was even jealous to my friend who died to cancer, for at least his sufferings are done! Why the Gods foresee this as my path? Why does my path have to be constant suffering in a weakend body, that never be full again? Why dont They warned me in time, so I could start healing it before it got diagnosed? So much thing that doesnt make sense. Was I not dear enough to Their hearts to spare me from a life like this? Swear, if I would knew this awaits me, I would never ever considered getting out of this hospital alive...

This is not my fate, this is not the life I should live! I shouldnt be a pathetic diabetic corpse, I should be a fucking übermensch-like human by now, or on the path to it, not just a mentally and phisically reduced husk of myself always relying on pins to survive!

And despite all my effort, despite all mental, spiritual work I do, despite all energy and time I spend on myself... it just doesnt work. A small bad new, one bad bg number enough to push me back to depression. Because the facts sadly remains, that despite any optimism or stoisism, or anything, I have diabetes, and maybe one or two human was ever healed from it! Im sure there are/were other ss with type one diabetes, not just me. They still have it, dont they? After five, ten, twenty years?

For example, my last birthday, I was happier than ever before. That night I learned how diabetes affects immune system and muscle? Did I cried myself to sleep and sobbed so painfully like someone who lost his own child, and caused my family a smaller breakdown just hearing it? Yes I did, and its not a unique time.

Living, like this, is pain, it drives me mad, bothers me beyond enduring, and want it to end! Tried everything, thinked for a while its for the saturn transit, but its gone and I dont feel any better. Of course, I could advance from here, still get better, maybe Ill be that one from billion who miracoulosly get better after x years... but two years passed, I healed myself day by day hours, and things just get worse. My whole fucking body is basically a time bomb, who knows when the constant stress from high or low bloodsugar will end me, or when I lose my leg, my arm, my eyesight... or just simply, when will I die. This all just feel like a slow dying, so it makes all the more painful, realising as your blody decays away!

And in this mental state... So far it drove me near suicide three times, and I never head a reason why not to do, just strength to not do yet. I dont have the 'why', the 'why should I live with diabetes'? (Turned out it caused me fucking gallstones, so I cant even try out orolonged fasting for it). And I do so much working for even my mental health, yet still one bad news, one small chance bad effects is enough! Problems dont seem to be solved, just go from horrible to neutral for a short time

 

[NetemPtah]

What I would recommend, as if I were a very intimate friend, is to focus your life on something different. You should heal mentally. Raise your self-esteem; this is the only way to feel stronger. You need to develop personal strength, emotional and mental strength.
It is not easy to keep your mind on something different when the pain seems unbearable, but developing full control over yourself is an incredible capability beyond human. These gifts and abilities, develop only in situations where we are desperate to the point of having no choice. And are permanent.
Free your soul from negative health karma.
You are very fortunate to be alive to be able to deal with this permanently. It is worth it.
The Gods will bless you.

 

[DarkAries]

What I would recommend, as if I were a very intimate friend, is to focus your life on something different. You should heal mentally. Raise your self-esteem; this is the only way to feel stronger. You need to develop personal strength, emotional and mental strength.
It is not easy to keep your mind on something different when the pain seems unbearable, but developing full control over yourself is an incredible capability beyond human. These gifts and abilities, develop only in situations where we are desperate to the point of having no choice. And are permanent.
Free your soul from negative health karma.
You are very fortunate to be alive to be able to deal with this permanently. It is worth it.
The Gods will bless you.

My self esteem was very high before. But, judging the facts and results, it decreased by a LOT. Sure, one can see himself as a near indestructible, almost godlike being with great power, but not being able to heal myself so far or saving my friend? It shattered it so painfully, that looking into myself with adoring eyes feels like a lie! A great human being wouldnt be ill, wouldnt rely on pins and medicines to survive, and sadly my mind cant go pass on this.

I hope so, even though how little I can hope. So far, I feel like one of the most unfortunate soul ever existed, and just dont understand why I even have this health state.

Even tried to look the bright side of it, but all the 'good sides of diabetes' felt like cruel lies. Please, if you find any bright side of it share me, Im really out if ideas

 

[NetemPtah]

A great human being wouldnt be ill, wouldnt rely on pins and medicines to survive, and sadly my mind cant go pass on this.

Honestly I do not know any powerful human being who did not go through pure shit. Some let that control them, dictate their self esteem and sense of value. If this is happening to you, it means you MUST develop strength. It is not an opinion, it is a fact. You cannot be indifferent to the fact that a circumstance has total control over you, and I don't care how catastrophic looks. In this mental state you cannot literally do anything good. To indulge in the problem is pure weakness. It can happen for a maximum of a week, but then you have to wake up and do something with your life.
There are people out there who are literally unable to walk. You are not in such a dramatic position as you think.
And again, you should be extremely motivated by the fact you are alive to advance spiritually and deal with this permanently.
Donate and ask HP. HoodedCobra's opinions about this. If you really want to free yourself from it, you will not even care how much it takes. But I can guarantee you the Gods want you to learn something from this.

 

[Blitzkreig [TG]]

My self esteem was very high before. But, judging the facts and results, it decreased by a LOT. Sure, one can see himself as a near indestructible, almost godlike being with great power, but not being able to heal myself so far or saving my friend? It shattered it so painfully, that looking into myself with adoring eyes feels like a lie! A great human being wouldnt be ill, wouldnt rely on pins and medicines to survive, and sadly my mind cant go pass on this.

I hope so, even though how little I can hope. So far, I feel like one of the most unfortunate soul ever existed, and just dont understand why I even have this health state.

Even tried to look the bright side of it, but all the 'good sides of diabetes' felt like cruel lies. Please, if you find any bright side of it share me, Im really out if ideas

Spiritual vs Physical Health

It is very possible to amplify anything in our minds, for better or worse. In this case, I believe due to the experiences you had witnessed, you are amplifying the negative potential of poor health circumstances, which then causes you to actually forget or feel a lack of motivation regarding possible solutions and other corrective actions.

You are right that a great or godlike human would not have health issues, but it is also possible to have other gifts in one's soul which then lead to success and resources that can then be diverted back to more problematic areas.

As Zevists, we have higher than normal transformative powers, but these powers must be applied to the soul or our material "domain" to manifest the results we need. In that sense, the person can be have strong powers of the soul, but be materially lacking, and although they would not be considered "mature", that does not mean they are hopeless or living a lie, etc.

It sounds like part of your karma involves dealing with health problems. To me, I don't think it is a coincidence that you have been so strongly moved by what you had experienced. However, you must accept this as a neutral fact, which is to mean that you are not totally cursed and destroyed, but instead dealing with your own unique problem, just like everyone else has. Everyone has their own Saturn, Pluto, or other aspects that can create stressful situations.

While it is possible for the human form to be degenerated in energy, it is also possible to restore it. Virgo pertains to finding the correct solution, medicine, or even catalyst to the "machine", like our body. Plutonian efforts or abilities (like our workings) drive this solution to become part of our everyday vitality or condition, which relates to Taurus, the self-sustained creature.

Therefore, it is possible to have a weakened "Taurus state", but be able to rally skills, powers, and ability within the realms of Virgo and Pluto to both maintain and eventually resolve the condition permanently.

--------------------------

Dealing with Negative Experiences

For the above to occur, you must be aware of some things: First, the majority of health conditions can be cured, including diabetes. You have to mentally allow yourself to at least be open to the possibility of a solution.

Second, any working that is done, because it influences our "Taurus" everyday state, can lead to temporary backlash while our body or soul is being "reconstructed". Do not take this to mean the working is failing! This occurs not just in health workings, but in all workings, such as confidence or love. However, if you let your fears negatively amplify the "proof of failure", then this creates the mental conditions that lead to this hopeless, suicidal state, because you cannot envision a way out.

It may be hard for you to feel positive about health currently, so what you can do is to at least allow yourself to guard against negative thoughts. Although it was fine to express these in this form of a cry for help, any ideas that your body is going to collapse should be voided out to prevent worsening of the situation.

--------------------------

Personal Experiences with Health Conditions

When I was a beginner SS, I was dealing with my own health problems too. These were actually pretty severe, because I was experimenting with retarded diets and caused some major deficiencies in my body. There were times when I was literally falling asleep while meditating due to poor health, as well as headaches from stomach problems, as well as many other symptoms.

What I did to improve was the following:

-Lots of yoga, like our hatha yoga routine and Tibetan 5 Rites. Exercise is the quickest way to add energy into the body. The Tibetan 5 Rites, for example, energizes the kidneys and digestive system, which is perfect for clearing out diabetic or other metabolic disorders.

-Study of my conditions within TCM, traditional chinese medicine. I would learn of various acupoints that I could press, and I could feel the symptoms start to relieve. While this does not permanently cure, it resolves symptoms and also shows the mechanism of healing directly, giving both physical health and also mental confidence. For diabetes, Kidney 3 or ST 36 would be some great ones to start researching.

-Healing workings. Sun Squares, Mars Squares, workings with Uruz.

-Simple/immediate healing with energy. Feeling weak or tired? This is yang defiency, so direct solar energy into yourself and affirm that your vitality is improving. You will start to feel more awake, warmer, you may feel your digestive system awaken, etc.

---------------------------

Conclusion

So that is why, after both learning and implementing these various tools for myself, I can see your condition and know that your position is not as bad as it may feel. You need to allow yourself to explore and test new solutions, as well as mentally challenge yourself.

If you have negative karma in this area of life, it is "normal" for these extreme events to happen and influence you like this. You can entirely turn this around though, but you have to give yourself some patience and credit.

Identify and avoid the "negative spiral" behavior which makes you feel that everything is totally hopeless, because this is impossible and actually a self-created state. Part of the solution is actually breaking this through positive thinking.

Anyway, I typed enough.

 

[NetemPtah]

I am so glad of @Blitzkreig [TG] 's contribution here. So powerful; for all of us.

 

[Blitzkreig [TG]]

Just dont understand. This is the worst, actually the worst thing I ever experienced, questioned if I did the right thing not to die when get diagnosed even get close several times to overdose insulin before sleep(which would cause deadly hipoglycemia). Fuck, I was even jealous to my friend who died to cancer, for at least his sufferings are done! Why the Gods foresee this as my path? Why does my path have to be constant suffering in a weakend body, that never be full again? Why dont They warned me in time, so I could start healing it before it got diagnosed? So much thing that doesnt make sense. Was I not dear enough to Their hearts to spare me from a life like this? Swear, if I would knew this awaits me, I would never ever considered getting out of this hospital alive...

This is not my fate, this is not the life I should live! I shouldnt be a pathetic diabetic corpse, I should be a fucking übermensch-like human by now, or on the path to it, not just a mentally and phisically reduced husk of myself always relying on pins to survive!

This is not the result of being unloved or "unfavored" by the Gods. If they told you about these conditions before they occurred, it is likely you would have either misunderstood or not properly rectified the problem anyway. It is like trying to teach a 5 year old how to drive so he does not get in a car crash later; the kid will not understand well, may not care, or be overwhelmed, etc.

No, your fate is not that of a diabetic corpse, but instead it is one of someone who has conquered diabetes. We all have negative events in our life which help shape us positively later. Viewing them entirely as a curse which should have been avoided somehow contributes to unrealistic and pessimistic thoughts. Instead, focus on the positive aspects which are gained here, such as improved knowledge or resilience against disorders, spiritual ability in healing, ability to coach others, and so on.

 

[NinRick]

Greetings, to all, who are luckier with life than me! I might going to rant out, and sorry for that, but I fant really take much more of this.

This is the way of dealing with life that is draining you even more life force, as you become more reactive on all levels.

Most people here came to Satan and Satanism out of immense suffering, so many people who are on the forums have suffered a lot.

With how you react in your inner world as well as too little empathy and clarity about yourself and how the world functions - if not your pancreas would have been fried, something else would.

You drain yourself, don’t give yourself time to recuperate, show little empathy for yourself, and when you are on the ground you still continue and hurt yourself even more by the way you react.

I am sorry if my words sound harsh now.

Yes, you are suffering now. Yes, this could have been avoided - but only if your inner world resonated differently. Only if your inner compass was alligned differently. This is just the manifestation of what was present the entire time.

Yes, you are weakened. But you can still go on, you can still advance. You are damaged, you have an injured body - but this body is the only thing you have.

You can either try to calm down, do what ever you can to better the situation. Or you can keep beating up yourself and suffer more.

This is how life is. Life can be very cruel, very unforgiving. This is Evolution, a fight. Only the strong, and wise will survive.

Even the trial of humanity is very cruel. The only way to ensure your survival is by becoming a God, and achieving something most people never will.

Imagine how many spiritual open souls even have perished over the eons?
Isn’t this also cruel by the Gods? To let their creation perish like this?

No it’s not. It’s called evolution. It can be very beautiful. It can be very cruel.

Does meditation alone advance you?
Do you automatically learn witchcraft by doing so?
Can you automatically reach your goals?
Or do you have to practice everything on a very deep level, while also be functional in the material world, while you are also facing issues?

Nobody is responsible for yourself, for your own health, for your own fate, for your own soul. Not even the Gods - only you.

This is Life.
This is Evolution.
Only the strong can go.
Only the wise remain.
Only those who can understand themselves, let go and reconstruct themselves can transform.

There is a way ahead, and only you can walk it. There are helping hands along the way, but nobody will carry you. As long as you can, walk.

 

[DarkAries]

Spiritual vs Physical Health

It is very possible to amplify anything in our minds, for better or worse. In this case, I believe due to the experiences you had witnessed, you are amplifying the negative potential of poor health circumstances, which then causes you to actually forget or feel a lack of motivation regarding possible solutions and other corrective actions.

You are right that a great or godlike human would not have health issues, but it is also possible to have other gifts in one's soul which then lead to success and resources that can then be diverted back to more problematic areas.

As Zevists, we have higher than normal transformative powers, but these powers must be applied to the soul or our material "domain" to manifest the results we need. In that sense, the person can be have strong powers of the soul, but be materially lacking, and although they would not be considered "mature", that does not mean they are hopeless or living a lie, etc.

It sounds like part of your karma involves dealing with health problems. To me, I don't think it is a coincidence that you have been so strongly moved by what you had experienced. However, you must accept this as a neutral fact, which is to mean that you are not totally cursed and destroyed, but instead dealing with your own unique problem, just like everyone else has. Everyone has their own Saturn, Pluto, or other aspects that can create stressful situations.

While it is possible for the human form to be degenerated in energy, it is also possible to restore it. Virgo pertains to finding the correct solution, medicine, or even catalyst to the "machine", like our body. Plutonian efforts or abilities (like our workings) drive this solution to become part of our everyday vitality or condition, which relates to Taurus, the self-sustained creature.

Therefore, it is possible to have a weakened "Taurus state", but be able to rally skills, powers, and ability within the realms of Virgo and Pluto to both maintain and eventually resolve the condition permanently.

--------------------------

Dealing with Negative Experiences

For the above to occur, you must be aware of some things: First, the majority of health conditions can be cured, including diabetes. You have to mentally allow yourself to at least be open to the possibility of a solution.

Second, any working that is done, because it influences our "Taurus" everyday state, can lead to temporary backlash while our body or soul is being "reconstructed". Do not take this to mean the working is failing! This occurs not just in health workings, but in all workings, such as confidence or love. However, if you let your fears negatively amplify the "proof of failure", then this creates the mental conditions that lead to this hopeless, suicidal state, because you cannot envision a way out.

It may be hard for you to feel positive about health currently, so what you can do is to at least allow yourself to guard against negative thoughts. Although it was fine to express these in this form of a cry for help, any ideas that your body is going to collapse should be voided out to prevent worsening of the situation.

--------------------------

Personal Experiences with Health Conditions

When I was a beginner SS, I was dealing with my own health problems too. These were actually pretty severe, because I was experimenting with retarded diets and caused some major deficiencies in my body. There were times when I was literally falling asleep while meditating due to poor health, as well as headaches from stomach problems, as well as many other symptoms.

What I did to improve was the following:

-Lots of yoga, like our hatha yoga routine and Tibetan 5 Rites. Exercise is the quickest way to add energy into the body. The Tibetan 5 Rites, for example, energizes the kidneys and digestive system, which is perfect for clearing out diabetic or other metabolic disorders.

-Study of my conditions within TCM, traditional chinese medicine. I would learn of various acupoints that I could press, and I could feel the symptoms start to relieve. While this does not permanently cure, it resolves symptoms and also shows the mechanism of healing directly, giving both physical health and also mental confidence. For diabetes, Kidney 3 or ST 36 would be some great ones to start researching.

-Healing workings. Sun Squares, Mars Squares, workings with Uruz.

-Simple/immediate healing with energy. Feeling weak or tired? This is yang defiency, so direct solar energy into yourself and affirm that your vitality is improving. You will start to feel more awake, warmer, you may feel your digestive system awaken, etc.

---------------------------

Conclusion

So that is why, after both learning and implementing these various tools for myself, I can see your condition and know that your position is not as bad as it may feel. You need to allow yourself to explore and test new solutions, as well as mentally challenge yourself.

If you have negative karma in this area of life, it is "normal" for these extreme events to happen and influence you like this. You can entirely turn this around though, but you have to give yourself some patience and credit.

Identify and avoid the "negative spiral" behavior which makes you feel that everything is totally hopeless, because this is impossible and actually a self-created state. Part of the solution is actually breaking this through positive thinking.

Anyway, I typed enough.

Increadible. Im out of words, Guardian. Thank you. And painfully accurate for me. Saturn, that damn Saturn... now, Im not too great at astrology yet, I dont often rely to it for that, but its there. I doubt I could say which house its in, but seems to clear some things, why I had allergy as a child, flatfoot, gallstones, why my overall health isnt great... well, way bigger work than I tought, thank you. Changing my whole karma... Pluto is also in a very painful position, but I more or less dealt with that luckily.

My yin was too low a few months ago. I took a lot of steps to increase it, but if its visible without me mentioning it, I clearly went to far. Ill work gathering yang back, than balancing the two out.

Im greatful for your advice. Thank you once again.

 

[DarkAries]

Yes, you are weakened. But you can still go on, you can still advance. You are damaged, you have an injured body - but this body is the only thing you have.

You can either try to calm down, do what ever you can to better the situation. Or you can keep beating up yourself and suffer more.

This is how life is. Life can be very cruel, very unforgiving. This is Evolution, a fight. Only the strong, and wise will survive.

Can I? Would I be free of the shadow of what could have been? Can this damn body be fully fixed, and can I still get the best version of myself? Not the best I could be from here, but the overall best.

Just say yes, and I stand up to continue walking. Even if I dont fully belive it

 

[DarkAries]

Can I? Would I be free of the shadow of what could have been? Can this damn body be fully fixed, and can I still get the best version of myself? Not the best I could be from here, but the overall best.

Just say yes, and I stand up to continue walking. Even if I dont fully belive it

But maybe, if it was on my birth chart, onbmy karma, since the minute I borned... and nkt the failure of my body, a weakness, something I am ashamed so much... that would mean I havent changed. That I still can be the best version of myself. And one day, I might forgive to myself all this suffering

 

[NinRick]

Can I? Would I be free of the shadow of what could have been? Can this damn body be fully fixed, and can I still get the best version of myself? Not the best I could be from here, but the overall best.

Just say yes, and I stand up to continue walking. Even if I dont fully belive it

Life is a fight, advancement is a fight.

You have no other choice, it is in your blood - it is your absolute bloodright. You know it.

Facing difficulties with Saturn is a time where you have to let go of what structures are holding you down - and start to reinvent yourself.

I believe you can do it. If I didn’t think so, I wouldn’t have tried to help you. You just have be wise about your emotions, and how you proceed.

Have the heart of a warrior. Show yourself love. And do what you have to do.

Show empathy for yourself, and advance because you love yourself. Don’t advance in order to love yourself, but advance and keep moving forward because you love yourself - and envision why you are working on yourself.

If you have to get the gall bladder removed. So be it.

Work on your mind, soul and body. Try to fix your condition on all levels, but do this is a healthy way. When your body is weakened and you are weak on the legs, don’t walk into the storm - let your body heal.