I remember little of my childhood, and hypnosis has brought back many memories. These sensations of the box described persist (...)
It is unnerving and the rituals take place at night. At this moment I am weak and I feel all the rituals against me.
Your words allow me no peace, sorry if this may be perceived somehow.
When I remembered the worst of my childhood (I also remember little of it), it happened late in life, it was ... how can I say. Nuke an atomic bomb into your mind and see. Everything I knew about myself, who I was, my values, everything I knew about my abusive family, was gone in a second. Recovering from such an event, if this is what is happening to you, is though.
Your message sounds like a call for help, in a difficult moment of your life.
You say you are starting a new chapter. All of this requires a lot of energies, a lot. The reason why your mind is alarmed in "danger mode", only you know. But this happens, and the amount of energy that your conscious self (the one who is working for your life change) requires to keep memories, sorrow and traumas of your childhood well buried in your mind, is enormous. A fight. This is why you feel so weak. But indeed, you are very strong. Most people who had such traumas give up on life, cannot live, disappear from the world. You - no - you live! And you are changing you life! So I think, you are not weak - you are strong indeed. I feel this distinctly, I think I am no wrong.
Words fail me to express how deep is feeling of being lost, alone and disoriented, when people do have to face all of this. But I know, as it is within myself too. For once, instead of telling you "be strong, stay safe, meditate and heal" - that you perfectly know, and should do - I tell you: I am empathic with what you feel now. And this sickens my heart, each time I see a person who unjustly suffers for simply willing to live a life. Stay strong... yes, but I guess a person who have been treated like a waste every single day of his childhood, and still survived, well knows how to stay strong. Thank you.
What is emerging from your mind, may prevent you to be kind with yourself. Weakness may be spiritual, and here we give tools to heal from this and empower yourself, please do that. But do not forget your cells, your body, your physical well-being. Eat well, supplement (vitamins, mainly B, and Magnesium are paramount and very needed in times of psychological and emotional stress). Try to exercise if you can. Having a 30 minutes walk in a park, under the Sun if possible, is of great help. Your inside self may be willing to give up, but if you show her something of value and beauty, she may be positively react and you may feel rejuvenated. Don't hate and neglect yourself, as you probably have been neglected as a child.
Years ago I spent my lunch break at work, trying to isolate from the annoying environment made of npc and idiotic talk. One day I just found there was a small park not far, and I started spending lunchtime there - what a good choice. Was really small, but green and quiet. Most people do not even notice those places, as they are constantly worried about life and problems. That became a healing lunch break. I loved it. Until a gipsy camp was built in front of it and the park became their waste, but I found another park, there are many.
Being a survivor is though. The mind is so constantly alarmed, the self is always working to keep all the inner suffering silent and buried, that the physical body works overtime to cope with this. Feeling as you say physically, may be a sign your stress hormones, namely cortisol, are produced almost all the time as the mind call for this, in perpetual danger. I know what it means. The body may look tired and inflate, as a reaction to all of this, mostly of inflammatory nature, that may cause issues in the long run. Meeting a doctor may help, explaining you are under high stress, don't refrain from doing it. Support yourself, they can give some good advices.
I know the Gods are helping you, they are caring and loving with all of us, I know for a fact. So don't worry.
But the physical actions pertain to you, they cannot come here and lift that carton from your head, if the carton is made of high pressure.
They cannot be your therapist or physical friend. Talk. Don't close your sorrow in yourself, don't feed that internal pressure anymore as this may come out very abruptly later in life causing burnout, life wreckage, and the such. If you can afford, talk to a professional (important: ask your GD very precisely guidance to a good one) or simply a fiend, someone who will not judge you, just a random forum where you can be anonymous, whatever.
Vent out your internal torment.
As I wrote, this requires enormous amount of courage and trust. It seems impossible to do now, but after you will be much better.
As for me, I am no genius and I only know something about this because I live like this too, and I made some studies in the last years.
Whan I can do is answering to your call being of human support, and listening to what you will want to tell on here, if you desire so. Letting you feel not alone in this is my only power, and I intend to use it as I can.
A bit out of the higher knowledge that any SS can give, I try to give you a word like just a simple human being would do. At the end we are just people.
Per dirlo in parole povere, io speriamo che me la cavo.
But I am sure this is already happenig.
So take care.
