Thanks HP Cobra for this Sermon. And to everyone who shared their experience. I needed to read this. As I'm coming back here after a while stagnant. And I can relate to all those words. I came to Satanism with unrealistic expectations, and I was also young. As I grew stronger I could really see the signs from the Gods and I knew then they are real. Nothing major, couldn't speak with them or anything, just subtle signs here and there that I was able to pick up (I think? - I don't trust my younger self knowledge anymore as it's shaped by the unrealistic expectations that I spoke of which is why I'm reading everything again and consider myself absolute newbie) anyway, as time went on, and deep issues within the self came to surface, I couldn't deal with them, for several times. I ran. And gave up. Gave in to addiction and depression for a long time. When I did come back, my relationship with the Gods was never the same as I was never able to reach the level I was. And for years and years I was alone. Sometimes I'd come back and try to meditate and go on for months until something happened that made me give up. Always alone. Never did I try to connect with Satan on a serious matter. As I sort of lost my faith, I wasn't sure anymore the Gods were real. But I knew the meditations are because I've experienced them. And the signs, I wasn't sure they were my imagination. So I kept coming back despite my lack of faith and seriousness.
For a while I felt abandoned indeed. However, I realized I was the one who abandoned Them first. I later figured what you just said. That I need to work on myself first. The further I indulged in self destruction be it drugs, alcohol, whatever
The more blocked by them I was. One time I went into the wilderness, to ran away from society, and I was really depressed, I remember looking up in the sky, (to Orion) crying and beg for some sign, something to solidify my faith. Something to make me believe they are real. Obviously nothing came as things do not work that way. As I was young just a messed teenager, I couldn't quite understand this as I was pretty active in spiritual warfare before I quit. And I had a feeling that they owed me, at least just a little sign of their existence. Which is utterly wrong. But in reality if I don't care for myself, can't expect anyone to do it for me. I got used to the solo life, and I even did some meditation and some progress on my own, but eventually failed.
Almost a decade later. Only after coming back here this time and speaking with others about my situation did I realize the big mistake, trying to figure out things on my own all this time. Not giving Satan the attention he deserves. Which was what brought me to this post. I've been thinking about this and I'm going to work on the connection with Father Satan and the Gods. Also figure out who my GD is. This is of extreme importance. I understand this now. I'm working on a plan to come back and tackle the issues I've got within, once and for all, and it includes opening myself up to the Gods and let them know I'm here without expectations, demands or whatever and I have the most genuine intentions with them and my own self. And that I will work for getting to know them better and letting them know me as well. Incredible how things change inside me as I got older. Better late than never I suppose. Thanks again. I love your sermons, they always help put things in perspective, and motivate me. Sometimes I swear it's like you've been inside my head. You words are so accurate, and that does help with my faith issues.
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