19 year old dating 15 year old

[forestkid]

I don't know if i post this were it's ok to, i don't really use the forum I don't know why. I'm in a frantic state for the last days and i want to ask about your opinion and guidance.

First I'll tell the story. Some years ago I was at a restaurant type bar with my friends, 2 month prior I just turned 19, and next to our table was another group, 2 boy age between 21-22/23, and a 15 year old girl who was one of the boy's sister. I feel she was into me and started giving her attention, and shortly after we started kissing and touching. After that we started texting. Her brother didn't mind our relationship. Once I briefly meet her mother, she came to town with busines and the girl came with her to meet me. Thru text we spoke about music, haven't sent sexual text or pictures. Usualy when we hang out she came with her brother and I came with my friends. Once i touched her sexually, and she drew back and I asked whats wrong, and she told me that she is to young, after that I realized that, and cut all ties.

What I want guidance on is that i feel horrible about that. Some days ago i was standing looking at some youtube vids and i remembered about that relationship, only thing that went thru my mind is that I am a pedophile. I felt sick to my stomach I feel like I'm a disgusting piece of shit, that i can't bring that to satanism in the sense that I can't bring that to Lord Satan, me being a satanist. I feel like I can't be a part of Satan's family. Yestarday I was watching some historical footage of some SS soldiers and feelt like crying, felt like i will never be able to name myself a part of that. I feel that I can't be forgiven, that I am the most desgusting pieces of shit persons. I feel like even if The Gods forgive me, society never will.

Another aspect of this is the social one, I was watching some american youtubers last couple of days and felt like they will despise me, hate me, and want me dead, or tortured, I developed some parasocial relationships thru media like that since 2020 because I'm quite lonely and depresed, and that felt excruciating. And I know that is true, in USA if u are 18-19 and date a 15-16 anyone will hate you, that what i see/feel.

Another tormenting aspect is that at that time i was a satanist, I am a satanist since i was 15, but the first 6-7 years i haven't meditated unfortunately.Also did weed between 15 and 21-22 and at 21 did extasy for a period of time, I had a shit mentality that I can become a God in no time so for the moment I'm gonna do drugs and alchoohol cuz they are cool. I started meditating in the summer of last year and stopped every drug use. I'm saying all this because I still hope that this is a intense attack.

In the culture i grow up in this age gap isn't that unfamilliar or better said uncommon, one of my friends had the same type of relationship him 19yr/old her 15yr/old, i've seen worse 13yr/old girl and 19yr/old boy, and 15yr/old girl - 21/22 yr/old boy which is awfull. I'm not saying that pedophilia is accpeted here, it's hated, but seeing age gaps is common, usually girls want to date a older guys. I hope that my relationship was bad cultural influence.I asked my mom a couple of days ago about a 15yr/old girl dating a 19yr/old guy and she told me that she is ok with it as long as she knows the guy and he is a good person. At that moment i haven't told her about my relationship to not influencer her.

I want to kill myself but I'm afraid to, I wanted to ask a God to kill me but I think it's disrespectfull. Also I don't want to put my mom thru this, me dying. I feel like even if I die and reincarnate this deed will follow me and will be the same thing. I don't want to appeal to sentiments, it just how i feel, i'm sorry.

Sorry for the grammatical errors. Can anyone help me?

 

[MercuryWisdom]

First, calm down a bit. You have nothing to worry about. You are not a "pedophile". This is just a mistake because you're young and naive. Learn from it and let go.

Also, distance yourself from social media and extremely judgemental and self-proclaimed righteous sjws because they are trash.

 

[HPS Lydia]

Hello

Let go of the guilt. You're not a pedophile, not long ago girls her age were getting married. It is advised you stick with girls closer to your own age though, but stop feeling guilty, and do not think about suicide or anything of the sort.

And get back into meditating!

Welcome to the forums btw

 

[Voice of Enki [JG]]

The internet in the west has very extreme views on this, especially "Twitter warriors" who go nuts when an 18 or 19 year old dude has a girlfriend who is 15 or 16, or even 17... They get called pedophiles and get shunned, treated like the worst scum on earth.

At the same time, these same worthless "Twitter warriors" turn a blind eye to real and serious pedophilia, or for example, the fact that in the Middle East it is normal for a literal child (not 15 years old girl, but actual child, like 12 or even 10, or worse yet), to be raped by old men under their odious muslim tenets.

Or the fact that child trafficking in rampant all over the world, including in the US, even to the point of blatant pedophilia and even cannibalism being practiced and condoned by the authorities (including the FBI who spends more time fed posting in random internet places or even our forum to attempt to stir up or instigate people to commit crimes, rather than put an end to these unspeakable acts happening under their noses in their full awareness) who decide to turn a blind eye to certain groups of abominable and the most odious trash beings on the earth, in the US and other places.

You do not see them freak out over this anywhere, but ooh boy, when the local good 19 year old dude takes a fancy to a teen who is no longer a child (15-16-17, etc), he is the worst scum of the Earth and they make this dude feel like he is worthless in existence only for liking a person who is naturally attracted towards them due to literal nature at work.

In reality, it is very common for teen girls to like young adult men around 18-20 years old. Always has been very common.

I know many people who got together at a young age like that, and who have become married later in life, nothing negative about it.


First of all, what you did is nothing as disgusting as it is made out to be. Pedophilia is a lot more severe than a young adolescent dude liking a teen girl 4 years younger than himself.

If you are in your mid 20's and being attracted to a young teen girl, that would be crossing the line, or if someone of adult age feels attracted to a literal child, this is pedophilia.

The fact you feel such remorse, and the fact you had never coaxed her to try and take your relationship further through texting or the like, shows you did not have any predatory intent towards her at all, and the fact she also was interested in you, which is normal around her age, shows your interest was mutual, not as if you had attempted to groom her into liking you or whatever.


However, being with someone underaged may be illegal depending on your local laws, which exist to protect children and teens from real sexual predators and scum, therefore you should be aware of this and avoid sexual activity at least until she is legally able to give you consent for this.

Age of consent is also a touchy subject these days, as it is often used as an excuse by predatory adults or young adults to justify grooming behaviors or justify their sexual harassment and mistreatment of vulnerable people much younger than themselves, however it exists also as a clause to protect young couples from unjustified judgement and to protect young adults who are in a healthy relationship with someone considered underage, from being mistreated or misidentified as pedophiles and judged criminally where this is not just or appropriate.

As I said, it is very common for teen girls to be attracted towards young adult/adolescent men.

In fact, almost all the girls I have ever known from my school days ended up in relationships with dudes between 18 and 21 years old for some time when they were 15-16. It was so common that it almost appears as the norm.

This is why age of consent laws were created, which are different depending on where you live, with some very reasonable like 16 years of age, or others completely insane and unthinkable such as 12-13, or some even nonexistent such as in mudslime countries where a 40 year old man can rape a 6 year old child as much as they like so long they claim to be "married" with the poor child...


Teen girls between 15-17 years old and young adult men between 18-21, are often on the exact same mental age, despite a few years difference, which causes a natural attraction between people of those age groups, which is why it is very common for relationships to form between people of those ages.

You really aren't a scum or a worthless person for your attraction to that girl, and in essence, there isn't really anything wrong or unhealthy about it.


You do not need to cut off the relationship completely with her, however you could apologize for trying to take things too fast, and just stay in touch with her as before.

Your relationship can develop naturally till she feels comfortable to take it a step further.

If you do not feel right about it yourself, you can let it dissolve naturally instead of abruptly cutting all contact and try to look for a girl closer to your age instead, however you must not mistreat yourself over this or be so harsh on yourself for something which by all intents is really not criminal or negative as it is made out to be by worthless "Twitter warriors" and other scum.


The fact that a young adult as yourself feels like suicide due to the absurd overreactions of random worthless bitches on the internet, over something so common and normal, is criminal in itself.

If justice in this world wasn't as weak as it is at present, those who take things so far and so far out of context to ruin the life and perception of life for young adults should take responsibility in kind and be judged criminally for this in my opinion, as the life of perfectly fine young people are being ruined by their absurd over reactions and the going from one extreme to another.

Hail Satan!

 

[HPS Lydia]

Voice of Enki gave a great reply

I also wanted to add, I'm related to a couple who were about the same age as in the OP's post, and they got married and are still together decades later. And I've known other couples that worked with that same age.

It's legal to date that age, just not to have sex until age of consent. So don't feel guilty at all. 15 is not pedophilia.

 

[serpentwalker666]

" post_id=428324 time=1677955101 user_id=57]
Voice of Enki gave a great reply

I also wanted to add, I'm related to a couple who were about the same age as in the OP's post, and they got married and are still together decades later. And I've known other couples that worked with that same age.

It's legal to date that age, just not to have sex until age of consent. So don't feel guilty at all. 15 is not pedophilia.

Something important to clarify, in many areas of the United States even if they are the age of consent the older partner can be subject to legal actions against them.

As they make it out that the older partner committed statutory rape, enough though the other partner was old enough to consent.

I've seen and read enough about that. To feel it is very important to clarify for this thread.

While it's generally understood the partner is consenting. The older partner is oftentimes still subject to legal action. As they legally cannot consent.

I don't know the case for other countries. But in the US this happens alot. Peoples lives can end up ruined over this unfortunately.

 

[HPS Lydia]

Thanks for the input, this is important to know.

 

[serpentwalker666]

" post_id=428334 time=1677956228 user_id=57]

Thanks for the input, this is important to know.

You are welcome JoS Guardian Lydia.

 

[hailourtruegod]

If you are in your mid 20's and being attracted to a young teen girl, that would be crossing the line, or if someone of adult age feels attracted to a literal child, this is pedophilia.

....

Hail Satan!

I agree with everything you said as it was spot on but disagree with this extreme comparison of an actual pedo with that of a grown man being with a fully physically developed female.

Unless you're speaking of 13, 14 or even late bloomers at 15 then I don't see how one can compare actual pedos to something that is objectively natural of young women being attracted to older men.

Going on semantics would be meaningless but if we must for the sake of argument then I knew an objectively attractive girl my age in my high school who didn't really date anyone but did flirt with me a lot and she was definitely one of the more mature minded girls I knew which went hand and hand with how I was as well. Twice we had a chance to date and twice we didn't go that far to date (which as a SS I now understand was good at the end since she was from eastern Europe with a strong accent) and I found out at 18-19 she dated and eventually married a lawyer in his late 20s or early 30s and now has kids with him. Fortunately White as well.

I don't see how this man who I know nothing of crossed any line. As HPHC has said more than once before that it's normal for some women in their teens to be attracted to mature and well off older men.

The semantics of which older men we are talking about, the ones who just want a young female they can manipulate or the ones who just like younger women but obviously not the immaturity that comes with some of them and that immaturity being a common thing in the West is irrelevant at a point when looking at it from a natural point of view.

There was and will always be women in their mid to late teens who will only want older men who are well off and mature minded and these women themselves go out of their way to avoid any guy their age with very minor exceptions.

----------------------


I recommend to not play with fire if you're living in the US as the lowest age of consent is 16 and some other states being 17.

Also like everyone else said don't listen to the idiots who would call a man a pedophile for finding a fully developed teen attractive but would never call women that if the roles were switched or even worse would defend, and I use this word very loosely, "artistic" child pornography if it's drawn in anime style (lolicon) even though this is depicting characters with literal child bodies which is literally what pedophilia is, being attracted to a girl who's before puberty or even during.

Even now some of these idiots are smearing people like Tim Pool for allegedly trying to hook up with a 18 year old just because she was still in high school and still calling it predatory for a 30 year old to try something with a 18-19 year old. I'll just call these idiots out but I don't care to defend him but that's neither here nor there.

It really is just projecting on their part because they themselves have the mind of children at 20s and 30s and feel everyone else is like them. I have seen many times these type of people call college age individuals they work with as their babies even if they're just 5 years older than them. It's very odd behaviour and almost demeaning.

 

[Karnonnos [JG]]

I don't know if i post this were it's ok to, i don't really use the forum I don't know why. I'm in a frantic state for the last days and i want to ask about your opinion and guidance.

First I'll tell the story. Some years ago I was at a restaurant type bar with my friends, 2 month prior I just turned 19, and next to our table was another group, 2 boy age between 21-22/23, and a 15 year old girl who was one of the boy's sister. I feel she was into me and started giving her attention, and shortly after we started kissing and touching. After that we started texting. Her brother didn't mind our relationship. Once I briefly meet her mother, she came to town with busines and the girl came with her to meet me. Thru text we spoke about music, haven't sent sexual text or pictures. Usualy when we hang out she came with her brother and I came with my friends. Once i touched her sexually, and she drew back and I asked whats wrong, and she told me that she is to young, after that I realized that, and cut all ties.

What I want guidance on is that i feel horrible about that. Some days ago i was standing looking at some youtube vids and i remembered about that relationship, only thing that went thru my mind is that I am a pedophile. I felt sick to my stomach I feel like I'm a disgusting piece of shit, that i can't bring that to satanism in the sense that I can't bring that to Lord Satan, me being a satanist. I feel like I can't be a part of Satan's family. Yestarday I was watching some historical footage of some SS soldiers and feelt like crying, felt like i will never be able to name myself a part of that. I feel that I can't be forgiven, that I am the most desgusting pieces of shit persons. I feel like even if The Gods forgive me, society never will.

Another aspect of this is the social one, I was watching some american youtubers last couple of days and felt like they will despise me, hate me, and want me dead, or tortured, I developed some parasocial relationships thru media like that since 2020 because I'm quite lonely and depresed, and that felt excruciating. And I know that is true, in USA if u are 18-19 and date a 15-16 anyone will hate you, that what i see/feel.

Another tormenting aspect is that at that time i was a satanist, I am a satanist since i was 15, but the first 6-7 years i haven't meditated unfortunately.Also did weed between 15 and 21-22 and at 21 did extasy for a period of time, I had a shit mentality that I can become a God in no time so for the moment I'm gonna do drugs and alchoohol cuz they are cool. I started meditating in the summer of last year and stopped every drug use. I'm saying all this because I still hope that this is a intense attack.

In the culture i grow up in this age gap isn't that unfamilliar or better said uncommon, one of my friends had the same type of relationship him 19yr/old her 15yr/old, i've seen worse 13yr/old girl and 19yr/old boy, and 15yr/old girl - 21/22 yr/old boy which is awfull. I'm not saying that pedophilia is accpeted here, it's hated, but seeing age gaps is common, usually girls want to date a older guys. I hope that my relationship was bad cultural influence.I asked my mom a couple of days ago about a 15yr/old girl dating a 19yr/old guy and she told me that she is ok with it as long as she knows the guy and he is a good person. At that moment i haven't told her about my relationship to not influencer her.

I want to kill myself but I'm afraid to, I wanted to ask a God to kill me but I think it's disrespectfull. Also I don't want to put my mom thru this, me dying. I feel like even if I die and reincarnate this deed will follow me and will be the same thing. I don't want to appeal to sentiments, it just how i feel, i'm sorry.

Sorry for the grammatical errors. Can anyone help me?

Please stop feeling guilty about this. Guilt is of the enemy, guilt is not a part of Satanism. You made a mistake, you did not do anything malicious to her, it was out of ignorance and silly, now move on.

Some boomer rockstar in the 1970s wouldn't give a shit about this. Not to say that's a good mindset as this led to scum like Jimmy Savile being able to lurk, but now we go to the opposite extreme entirely.

The YouTuber and Twitter ilk you speak of are like:

ONLY SOMEONE PAST THE AGE OF MENOPAUSE IS OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX AND DRIVE A CAR! ANYONE BEFORE THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING... EHMM BRAIN DEVELOPMENT!

Then in the next sentence:

AFTER CONSULTING WITH DR. HERSHOWITZ AT THE J. JENNINGS DEPARTMENT OF ENDOCRINOLOGY AT MOUNT ZION HOSPITAL, STUDIES FUNDED BY THE HUNTER BIDEN RESCUE ORGANIZATION FOR VULNERABLE CHILDREN DEMONSTRATED AT THE AGE OF 6ANYONE CAN DECIDE TO TAKE PUBERTY BLOCKERS TO DESTROY THEIR BRAIN AND BONES FOREVER, AND ANY FALSELY SEX-ASSIGNED INDIVIDUAL AGED AGE 2 KNOWS THEY ARE TRANS FOR LIFE! ALSO BABIES CAN WATCH DRAG QUEENS POLEVAULTING AND POPPING THEIR GENITALS!

This stupidity is ruining society. I even saw someone on twitter with hundreds of thousands of likes saying a 25 year old dating a 23 year old is 'extreme pedophilia' because the latter is 'only in their last year of college'. To anyone who thinks like this... get a psychologist and go outside.

When I was 13, I knew a 13 year old girl who faked her ID to buy alcohol [she had a very mature face], then she slept with a 28 year old after showing him the fake ID. Another 14 year old girl in my class who used to sit next to me was with this 29 year old man who waited for her outside the school gates every day (nobody except me complained about this, of course) and then she got pregnant and left school. This girl was no wastrel or idiot either, she was in the highest educational rung with A grades.

Realistically, although twitter and feminists pretend this doesn't exist, some people are hell bent on doing what they want via their own terms when they reach a certain physical milestone. Some Twitter people may have been hurt with their innocence destroyed by predators and understandably feel angry abotu this, but many of them on these sites are attention seeking, they have never experienced realistic abuse or go off the tales of jewesses like Demi Lovato. Funnily enough, the latter released some shit album whining about Wilmer Vilderrama 'preying' on her, meanwhile I distinctly remember an interview when I was a kid where she claimed when they met [he sat next to her in a styling session for work purposes, then left] she said 'I'm going to have him'. Oh yes, very abusive, so horrible, just like the 6 million ovened.

My GD explained to me exactly why 14-18 is the ideal age of consent for sex. People mature at different rates and this is in line with the design of their soul. Some people reach menarche or ejaculation age early, others don't. Some want to start creating kids early, others don't. Sex appeals to some people at a certain stage of life, for others they are late bloomers, or there are aspects of sex that manifest at different stages.

The problem with leveraging the age lower however (like 14 to 16) is that it leads (mostly foreign) children to be vulnerable to child arranged marriage and other coercive shit that Muslim immigrants and gypsies tend to force on their kids. Also, 13-16 yo teenagers really shouldn't be giving birth due to risk of things like microcephaly and nutrient malabsorption for the baby - a woman's body is designed with widening pelvic development and so on for 23 to 30 to be the ideal age.

The way twitter would have society soon the age of consent will be 25 for non-Muslim White people and 8 for Muslims. Regardless, prepubescent people should never, ever be engaged into sexual acts as this is a total abomination and something jews love to fixate on as they cannot fathom sex [they are deranged] and actual pedophilia is part of this.

 

[General Yeager]

There's nothing wrong with this. Generally there's an age gap between the husband and the wife anyways so it's not that problematic. Just wait until she's the legal age of consent until you do anything physical. That's it.

 

[forestkid]

Thanks a lot for the replys. The problem I have is the intense pain I feel inside is that I did something immoral, anormal, and unnatural, I have a hard time eating, and I can't stay in one place, i feel my muscles weird, and i feel like i'm cold, i feel exhausted later in the day because i think i dont get quality sleep. I never had sexual atraction towards kid, i think thats awful, but i feel i crosed a line thats should never be crosed, something that in the ancient world, when humans were in contact with The Gods, never happend. I feel like The Gods, and society will never accept me fully, or parts of it will never accept me(here i'm talking about a society where the people are in contact with The Gods) and i don't wanna hide anything about me. Even if i did a mistake and its forgiven i feel like i'm the only one that did this awful thing, and if the people and the Gods forgive me, is like a pass special for me(I know that this is nonsense, i'm not that special, in contrary, i'm very basic, it's just what i feel). I tend to daydream and think about a time where i be able to achieve God level myself and i feel that i destroyed that, no chance that a person that tried a relationship with a 15yr/old even if I was fresh 19yr/old will ever be able to achieve that, in the sense that a shit person should never be alowed to do that. I know it's silly but that thought destroys me on the inside.

I quit most of the vices that did direct damage to my healt (alcohol, weed, extasy, cigarettes). and for the past years i been glued to the screen, watching youtube mostly, and developing parasocial relationship with some of the youtubers i watch, and i always had daydreams about me hanging out with them. I didn't really tried to stop that during this period because i quit all these drugs, and didn't want to relapse. After that thought first came to mind my daily activity was destoryed, i can't watch them anymore without feeling an awfull feeling inside me. But thats not that important, i know the west and the east at the moment ar fucked.

What I think about is that even when all this madness will end and humanity will come back to The Gods, both the society and The Gods, will hate me truly. Even the thought that i did a mistake of that kind stir up my insides. I'm thinking that this age gap 15-19 will never occur in the ancient world, or in The Third Reich, or in the future Wolrd.

I started searching on the forum to find if anything like this (age gap relationships) was discused and i didn't find anything that gave me a response and i did this post. Unfortunatelly i'm that type of guy that is still mentally around 13-14-15, i don't know what to talk about with peers my age, I go thru a very hard period of my life, and this pushed me to think about suicide. I finally was able solve a lot of problems, to get my life going, maturing, and i feel like i have no energy left. I don't wanna be so dramatic as it seems, but i just poured my feeling here, i hope its not a problem. Thanks again for the responses

Hail Satan!

 

[Voice of Enki [JG]]

If you are in your mid 20's and being attracted to a young teen girl, that would be crossing the line, or if someone of adult age feels attracted to a literal child, this is pedophilia.

....

Hail Satan!

I agree with everything you said as it was spot on but disagree with this extreme comparison of an actual pedo with that of a grown man being with a fully physically developed female.

Unless you're speaking of 13, 14 or even late bloomers at 15 then I don't see how one can compare actual pedos to something that is objectively natural of young women being attracted to older men.

Honestly, you're right. I do feel the same way, however I am careful with my wordings due to legality on the issue.

To further elaborate, I would say that pedophilia depends not on the upper age of the older person, but the lower age of the younger person.

If a person is out of puberty, which when that is does differ between people, but is mostly around age 15-16 for most people, they are old enough to be considered biologically developed and in people of that age sexuality and physical needs/desire are active.

Thus, for people to be with them, is not the same as pedophilia where someone has a messed up attraction to a child who is not biologically developed to the stage sexuality is active and their body has gone through puberty.

However, there are still issues if a person much older ends up with a young teen, which arise out of the different psychological needs people of those ages have. A mid 20's man has different sexual needs and desires than a 15 year old girl, (same for a mid 20's woman and a 15 year old boy).

Let alone with a larger gap. This discrepancy does cause issues in the development of the younger person if the older person tries to engage in sexuality with the younger person.

People are very much still developing through life, which is why age differences of extreme age are uncommon, as people on different stages of life have different needs which are best fulfilled by being with people in a similar stage of development.

Not only sexual, but also psychological and otherwise.

One should notice as you grow older, that you are less attracted to people younger than you. Same as when you were younger, like a teen, you wouldn't really naturally be attracted to a 30+ year old lady, rather, that 18 year old beauty next door in the most attractive woman in the world to you, or maybe that 21 year old school teacher with her long hair is always in your mind.

Then as you grow older, a similar 21 year old beauty will appear too young in your eyes, despite the fact she is still as beautiful as ever, but she will be young and feel like a little girl rather than someone you would desire.

Suddenly that woman in her 30's who you always felt was old before, has many charms you never noticed and is much more desirable in your eyes than the young beauty next door.

Purely from a sexual perspective, this would often happen. Mentally, and even spiritually there are further nuances to this.


However, on the topic of pedophilia, whether something should be judged as such when an underage person is with an adult person, does also depend on the intention in the approach of the older person to the younger person, besides purely age, in my opinion.

Predatory behavior, or the deliberate manipulation of a young and impressionable teen, even if that teen has already gone through puberty, and even if the manipulator is only 20 years old or so, should still be judged seriously.

The law would classify this as pedophilia I suppose, however it not really that, but more so predatory harassment and abuse of vulnerable people, not really pedophilia, though due the existing laws it would be judged as such.

When talking about this subject, consideration on how laws and local laws handle these things is important, and we do adhere to them in conjunction with our common sense and moral judgement.

Hail Satan!

 

[Karnonnos [JG]]

Thanks a lot for the replys. The problem I have is the intense pain I feel inside is that I did something immoral, anormal, and unnatural, I have a hard time eating, and I can't stay in one place, i feel my muscles weird, and i feel like i'm cold, i feel exhausted later in the day because i think i dont get quality sleep. I never had sexual atraction towards kid, i think thats awful, but i feel i crosed a line thats should never be crosed, something that in the ancient world, when humans were in contact with The Gods, never happend. I feel like The Gods, and society will never accept me fully, or parts of it will never accept me(here i'm talking about a society where the people are in contact with The Gods) and i don't wanna hide anything about me. Even if i did a mistake and its forgiven i feel like i'm the only one that did this awful thing, and if the people and the Gods forgive me, is like a pass special for me(I know that this is nonsense, i'm not that special, in contrary, i'm very basic, it's just what i feel). I tend to daydream and think about a time where i be able to achieve God level myself and i feel that i destroyed that, no chance that a person that tried a relationship with a 15yr/old even if I was fresh 19yr/old will ever be able to achieve that, in the sense that a shit person should never be alowed to do that. I know it's silly but that thought destroys me on the inside.

I quit most of the vices that did direct damage to my healt (alcohol, weed, extasy, cigarettes). and for the past years i been glued to the screen, watching youtube mostly, and developing parasocial relationship with some of the youtubers i watch, and i always had daydreams about me hanging out with them. I didn't really tried to stop that during this period because i quit all these drugs, and didn't want to relapse. After that thought first came to mind my daily activity was destoryed, i can't watch them anymore without feeling an awfull feeling inside me. But thats not that important, i know the west and the east at the moment ar fucked.

What I think about is that even when all this madness will end and humanity will come back to The Gods, both the society and The Gods, will hate me truly. Even the thought that i did a mistake of that kind stir up my insides. I'm thinking that this age gap 15-19 will never occur in the ancient world, or in The Third Reich, or in the future Wolrd.

I started searching on the forum to find if anything like this (age gap relationships) was discused and i didn't find anything that gave me a response and i did this post. Unfortunatelly i'm that type of guy that is still mentally around 13-14-15, i don't know what to talk about with peers my age, I go thru a very hard period of my life, and this pushed me to think about suicide. I finally was able solve a lot of problems, to get my life going, maturing, and i feel like i have no energy left. I don't wanna be so dramatic as it seems, but i just poured my feeling here, i hope its not a problem. Thanks again for the responses

Hail Satan!

This is subconscious and likely caused by a lot of issues like xianity or some other enemy program imprinting immense amounts of guilt and feelings of self-loathing into you across lifetimes, or being deeply affected by what people say.

THE GODS DO NOT HATE YOU! They are beings who have seen and are aware of things that are totally unimaginable, frightening in the extreme. Psychopaths who rape and destroy toddlers and even babies, for example. What you did is not even something abnormal or weird by the standards of the 1970s or any past era. You were just 19 years old, that is rather young anyway.

You are mistaking what these YouTubers say as what "the Gods" or even what society would think because you may have developed a parasocial relationship with some of them.

Please be wary of developing parasocial relationships and relying on low-vibration people on YouTube, this is not healthy. Take what they say with a grain of salt and understand their biases or backgrounds. One addiction could have replaced another, and although it is arguably a lot healthier than drugs or tobacco in the sense it won't kill you physically, it is time to cut the cord. You need to do a Removing Negative Karma routine and rebuild your social life and sense of self-worth without drugs acting as the helper.

Age gaps of 15-19 did occasionally occur in the Ancient world and in NS Germany. The age of consent was 14 in NS Germany [with a proviso that anyone over 21 with evidence of manipulation or coercion of those below 16 to have sex could be jailed, which I think is a good law].

If you read any classical literature it is there too. While predatory things can definitely happen with this type of age gap and that needs to be taken into deep consideration from an individual, ethical and legal standpoint as VoiceOfEnki said, people in general were not hung up about every single instance of this to insane levels. It is caused by social media echoing the judgements of the bitter and angry and acting as if this is always the norm. Those people are fixating on the western cases like Elvis or something every single time [in fairness, some have been affected by this very thing], while ignoring Muslims marrying 6 year olds in front of them [this part is just not excusable]. Even in 'secular Turkey' the Directorate of Religious Affairs (Diyanet) said marrying a child earthquake victim is permissible because adoption is illegal in Islam!

 

[forestkid]

Hi and thank you to everyone for the messages, it really helped me. Both of my posts were made in extreme distress, something that I have never felt in my life. But now I'm better, I come back on this topic to ask for more guidance, I'm sorry if I stress you, but i still have problems related to this.

First i want to say is that I'm not scared at all about the legal aspect of this (not to support illegal activity in any way), here where I live according to the penal code i haven't done anything illegal, also this happend some years ago. What's is still haunting me is that I "banished" myself from satanism, and from everything that is beautyfull on this world, with that action.

I have thoughts that I commited an awful sin, and i can't "make things even" or be forgiven. I think that it's impossible to be forgiven because i went to far in my actions, and I i woud be forgiven that means that most of odious criminals should be forgiven too, which i think should not happen. In my mind I myself think that i shouldn't be forgiven because i crosed the line. I think that in a way i shouldn't be a satanist because i come with this "sin" that will be paired with the idea of being a satanist, that it's impossible to be forgiven. It's not like i was a shitty person that bully people and being an asshole all togheter and then changing into a good person. It's like an odios criminal getting away with it, that's what i feel i am/do right now.

What is the most important for me now is what The Gods think of this "relationship". Before this problem arised from nowhere, I spoke to The Gods daily and asked for help and guidance in my spiritual journey, and sometimes i think this is just a step in my evolution. Before this incident I was a hatefull person, only thing i was thinking about was war/carnage/destruction, i had hate towards my parents, blaming them for my wrongdoings and shortcomings, and above all i was a "moralist" i was thinking that in a way or another i was over everyone else in some aspect, judging everyone, and everyone had something bad about them, something that they we're doing wrong, and funny enough, in my mind no one of those judged by me we're able to receive forgivness. After this incident, I realised how much i love my parents, i started being more pacefull and directing my hate where i should, i stoped thinking only about destruction, and thinking about "creation", or better said having a positive mentality, and the parasocial relationships almost died entirely. I started to read the forum daily, and want to start doing spiritual warfare. I stopped thinking I am the best and concentrate on myself. But again i also feel this is because i feel i lost it all and there is no undoing it, and that what is fucks me up a lot.

From a social point I still think it's over. Objectively the society of these days don't actually interest me as it's build on jewtrix shit, but it still hurts that if i ever talk about that relationship in a social setting i will be shunned, paired with lowest of the lowest people on Earth. When i get in my mind i think about the future, when this madnes ends, and everyone will come back to Lord Satan, and daydreams form, thinking about a social setting where i would be present, and people will say: "Isn't that dude the pedo?" *I* feel like i shouldn't be forgiven. I can't get over it. When i get in my mind and think about things, like a marriage, I feel pain inside me because I think i destroyed every social relationship that i will ever have and i deserve to suffer thinking that i will never have happy events in my life, when i think about my childhood i, again feel my insides turn upside down, because i see what a young promising fellow i was and destroyed it. I still have hard time eating, but its getting better, i wake up stressed with a stomach pain.

I know some of these are already answered but, i feel the need to explain it again because i think i haven't explained it right the first time. Sorry for the buzz

I don't know what i'm looking for or if i just need to let time heal this wound, and i did nothing actually wrong.I hope it's just enemy attacks. I know that girl 15/16/17 ar atracted to older guys 18/19/20, i also was atracted to 18/19/20yrolds at 15, but i think i should have rejected it, as i was the one wiser. i feel it was wrong to feel atraction to a 15 year old, and went thru with this relationship. I'm 100% sure i haven't done any damage do her, she liked me back, the only thing that i think i have caused damage to her i that i cut all ties.

Sorry for all the buzz on this topic, despide still feeling what i described above i am a lot better now since reading your replys, thank you. But to summarize i feel like i have destroyed everything and i can't be forgiven, i feel like i shouldn't be forgiven, and that i deserv to despair. I wanted to ask if someone can link me some working that i can do that would help me and a very important question: on the curent ritual schedule rtrs aren't included, and i've read that rtrs should be done daily it's this still the case? I want to start participating in the spiritual warfare as soon as posible.

You helped me a lot, thank you, may The Gods bless you.

 

[HPS Lydia]

...

Some perspective: you were attracted to her as an individual, not to her age. So there's no need for guilt. Forgive yourself, and continue with meditations

Yes, the FRTR is to be done daily, but if you are lacking time you can just do the other ones, and then go back to the FRTR after the schedule is concluded.

 

[forestkid]

Hello again, firstly I want to thank you properly for your responses, I sincerely apreciate your help, I come back on this post again and again and read responses when I feel awful. I want to come with an update on the matter, I am sorry for whining on the case and apearing so dramatic I know people don't like this expecially here, but I cannot expres what I'm going thru differently. I'll tried and I'll try again to cut unecesary things but It might still come up a dramatic scene, I cannot help it. I tried and spoked with my mom, the friends I have left and everyone comforts me and tells me everything it's ok. But I cannot speak about the spiritual aspect with none of them and that's one of the reasons I came back here to talk about it and ask your judgement again.

Before I spill my mind here I need to mention I don't know how to quote other posts and I'll try to highlight them someway.

I wan't to give some details again that I might have missed due to my mind's state. I mentioned that when the relationship startet, when we kissed I mentioned touchings, by that I meant sexual by default breast and butt, the "more sexual touch" i mentioned was me touching her private parts. I did that when we kissed and she drew back and I asked what's wrong, and she said that she's to young, and I remember that I said sorry, continued our walk out. I'm thinking you might not get it by my way of saying it, I didn't say it plainly because of shame, or the fear of misunderstanding.

From the last time I posted on the topic until now, I't got worse to say so, I am feeling awful daily, and rarely I feel "numb" to say so which last little. I relapsed on alcohool, tobbacco, and I'm about to buy some weed the next days, I startet watching tv series and playing video games almost all day to kill time, and it doesn't even pleasure me a bit, I do it just to try to be absolved there and not feel the pain, and it doesn't work. I stopped meditating some weeks ago, I'm eating once a day usually just to stop feeling pain in my stomach, and my sleep schedule is nonexistent. I'm going down every day. I'm hurting so much, I have time to time "panic attacks", I don't know how a panic attack exactly is but what I'm going thru is very similar without some symptoms. A feeling of impending doom is constant thruought most of the days almost every day with breaks quite rare. I'm writing this during an "panic attack epsiode" or after, I'm not even realising. I'm thinking about past times, It's a big slot in my mind expecially lately, because I'm thinking about "turning back time" and how great that would be, I'm thinking about past times when I wasn't even born, thinking if I would've been born during those time I wouldn't had that relationship due to people being more strict and setting the line of society. That back then I would've love my family from the start and not after I lost everything, that I would've been a real man, not the pathetic excuse of a human being that I am right now, that I would've do things the right way, school, family, friends, healthy related stuff and so on. Even the tv series I am watching the story is set many years back, or the games that I play are set in ancient or old times, or have strong relationship with the past societies like tomb raider. I was and still am a virgin and I was "hungry for sex" by hungry for sex I mean I really really wanted to have sex, execially over the years, that's why i did that "move" on her, because of the racing hormones, I was driven by my desire for sex. I didn't think about convincing her so I broke up the relationship. I didn't mean any harm. I'm the tipical "incel" in the sense that I'm a virgin, and a very very unmanly boy expecially for my age, pathetic, and with fear of everything, back then I was different but still a virgin with a high desire for sex. I am good looking acording to people around me and back then I had some confidence, and when she gave me signs and I just responded and the relationship started there. The reason why I didn't continue the relationship with her its still blury for me, part is high standards in the family, I always thought that my parents won't aprove of any relationship unless I bring home a genius or a pillar of society, this came from always fighting with my parents in my youth because I was rebelious and wanted to do a lot of stupid shit, it was my fault my parents just wished a good life for me, part was that hormones and fustration took hold on me. I thought that sex comes quickly in a relationship now I know I was wrong.

I said in the posts up that I feel awful about myself that I burned every bridge, and holds as strong now. I'm telling myself how could a person like me strive to achive godhead, I'm imagining myself being a god with that background and only thing that comes to my mind is that it would be a shame to satanism to have a person like that here and also highly immoral, that The Gods are punishing me with what I'm going thru and the only destination is the death of the soul which terrifies me.

I'm saying to myself is people of those age groups are atracted to one another why do I feel so awful about it, why does people see it so bad if it's "normal", if during the Third Reich, it was that law and The Fuhrer didn't change it it means that it wasn't bad cuz He would've change it surely. I can't enjoy anything anymore, whenever I'm thinking about my childhood, my parents, my memories, I feel awfull and totally destroyed, whenever I think about ancient times it's the same outcome. If I'm coming to read a post here on the forums, I'm in pain, I see the advancement and I'll be left behind to rot because that is my destiny. Whenever I see someone getting better I feel again destroyed because I'm thinking I'll never get that chance or someone celebrating a milestone in their lives. I can't listen to music, it provokes me pain. Some people wouldn't give a fuck I know but I don't know why this doesn't at all help me... it just me feel worse, I don't want to be full of myself and ignore things

I was thinking about quiting satanism and live "happy" with my family and friends, but I cannot do that, I can't see a life without Satan, life would be meaningless, since I found satanism I knew that was the only path. I tried to talk with The Gods or Satan but nothing happens and sometimes after I try to talk to Him I feel very bad. I'm thinking they abandoned me forever, I tried twice or thrice in the past months to ask Satan for an answer, if He's still in my life and if I'm welcomed, I was kneeling and trying to concentrate on His sigil or Him and light up a candle, and I tried to ask him to blow out the candle if yes and nothing happend, I didn't do a invocation, in my state It feels almost imposible, I didn't notice anything and I cannot explain how bad I felt after. Many times I try to explain things in my mind, that these age gaps happened now and before, I saw it many times, that everyone says it's ok, that it's natural for girls to be attracted to older man. But then I think that age gaps like these happened because of the state of the world in the past 2000 years, that those who went with it got their souls destroyed, that if girls are atracted of older men it wouldn't be acceptable of a decent human adult male to went with it because he's wiser. I saw some cases of age gaps of the sorts where the woman was older and also it come to my ming that those woman are deranged. If it was ok before it doesn't mean it's actually ok, back in time women were "lesser" and everyone knows it's not like that. I am thinking if I forgive myself, I "team" with deranged humans or ideas, and if I forgive myself I also forgive horible people. I can't help it but see things right or wrong, no inbetween, and if I did something that isn't "that" bad in my thinking it falls in the bad side fully. I try to get some answers from my natal chart or planetary transits, and I'm telling myself that I'm only scapegoating, when I'm thinking about a rune working or a working in general I feel like I want to go around the natural order of things and "escape" like a powerfull and wealthy man who commited crimes and escapes law in plain sight beacause of his wealth and power. When I think about all being spiritual attacks it comes to mind that again, im just scapegoating, and try to avoid the pain and destiny that I deserve. In the last one to two months I also been plagued with awful sexual thoughts, that comes to mind out of nowhere and it fucking kills me, I never had anything of the sorts until a number of weeks ago, I never had deranged thoughts about sex, I just had weird fantasies like "shemale" or harem, or "step fantasies" who came from anime and porn

I'm trying to look up my astrology chart, for answers for this period and so on, and immediatly after I'm telling my mind that I'm just scapegoating, I try to look up for runic working or other workings to help me but then it comes to mind that I'm avoiding my "sentence" that should take course, I'm thinking that im under a lot of attacks but again my mind is telling me that I'm finding a unreliable reason for what needs to happen, I meditated daily for almost a year, 1h-1h and a half and I didn't do any protection for myself besides the base aura of protection from the site and this fact now fuels the ideea of an attack.

I want to apologise for my pity whining here, I can't explain anywhere my strugle my pain anywhere else because most of it comes from the ideea that I destroyed my path in satanism, relationship with The Gods and I'm doomed to be left behind and rot in a painfull existance, if I didn't knew about satanism I would've got over it and go on with life because I wouldn't care so much about the world. The only way and hope is to hide this thing and I cannot do that nor do I want to do that here, in a society of satanists, Satanism gave me life and I wanted to become a better man, be noble, kind, loving, respect others and The Gods, learn from them and so on, and because of that I can only be and want to be up front, I don't want to hide anything, It pains me that I cannot be open about myself I don't want to hide, avoid things, lie, run from things in a satanic society, satanic world. It's not that I'm having a bad life in itself I feel like this is going to haunt me forever, thru reincarnations, for the past months I live for my mother mainly, I would've killed myself till now, building up courage to do so, I am afraid of death, and life as a spirit but I think I would do it anyway.

I know that the answers you already gave me are enough and I didn't say much more than I already said, but I cannot help it, deep down I wish that this age gap, this relationship is normal and acceptable, that I haven't done anything bad, or I wish that this is just a dream and I will wake up soon from it, the kind of dream like in that episod from star trek the next generation "The inner light" ep20 season 5 where Picard was struck with an energetic beam, by a alien drone, and after picard wake up on a stranger planet where he has a wife and a friend, and he lives there for 40 years then he wakes up from that "dream" and in reality only 25 minutes passed. I also read about a thing simiral on reddit where the OP was struck by someone and knocked him out, after some moments he wakes up and lives his life like usual, has a wife and kids, and so on, after 10 years he wakes up on that exact moment when he was struck by that guy and realises that all those 10 years was just a dream and in reality only moments passed (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/oc7rc/comment/c3g4ot3/). I know it's a stretch and hard to believe but I really hope for something like this sometimes

I try to forgive myself but I cannot, Im thinking that everyone would forgive themselves, it's like giving power to the inmate to free himself. Weird thoughts goes thur my mind, daily almost nonstop, one is that I want to highlight is ;make them pity you and accept you; I don't want that, I hate that ideea, I want to be "judged" objectively here, I don't want to say things to make people pity me.

This relationship happened 4 years ago, and after it ended I cut contact with her and her friends and didn't spoke to them since execpt once, 6 months after the breakup and we kissed and hugged the whole day and she was happy to see me. The only good news that I have is that a friend of mine meet here some weeks ago in town and spoke a little and she asked about how I'm doing. I plan to meet her and apologise for taking things to fast, and apologise further if i caused her pain.

My appologies again for me whining, thanks if you read it.

 

[Blitzkreig [JG]]

...

Part of forgiveness is that we move forward and grow. Forgiveness is not just a "free ticket out of jail". If you make a mistake, you can learn from it, fix the causes for it, then you can teach others about it. In a more general sense, you will advance and help drive humanity's advancement as a whole, which helps everyone grow past many other mistakes in life.

How many people in the world can participate in Satanic spiritual warfare? You are not replaceable in this regard. This is where the world needs you, as nobody else can do this.

If you had to make some sort of direct atonement for your mistake, you could plan on donating to charities surrounding abused women, keeping in mind that what you did was only inappropriate, but not necessarily abusive or evil. It is not pedophilia, as you were attracted to her as a woman, not a child. However, she was a little bit too young, and you don't want to take advantage of her naivety with relationships. This was the only problem, and why people may find it strange.

For you to ruin your life over one small mistake is a much larger mistake than could ever happen by the misplaced forgiveness which you are trying to avoid. This is because you can make up for any mistakes many times over throughout the rest of your existence, provided you decide to continue to participate in the act of creation and advancement, which counters that of ignorance and degeneration.

------------------------------

You must also be fair to yourself in regards to how our digital world has destroyed human relationships, creating this sort of desperation within you. On a similar note, you must also recognize how digital devices are currently damaging your behavior through their excessive and inappropriate use. Porn/hentai will lead to strange mentally-based fantasies of sex, and video game binging leads to laziness and apathy, as the brain doesn't want to do anything else.

Turn the above off and your brain will stop feeling so numb and awful, and more willing to put in some actual work to your life. It is also promoting you to seek out greater means of stimulation to make you feel better, but this won't happen, as none of these activities are actually fulfilling in any true sense.

Instead of panicking and depressing yourself about your relapses, you should literally smash and destroy the tobacco, alcohol, and weed, as this will only further ruin your advancement and any sort of positive development and forgiveness that you are seeking.

------------------------------

Your own emotions and sense of guilt are leading you to a depressed mindset that will create worse consequences here. You need to allow yourself to take a breath and relax, as you are not a criminal or inmate or whatever. There is a way forward out of this mess, which includes righting your mistakes, but you are preventing yourself from even this, which is too restrictive.

Yes, you are very likely under spiritual attack right now. That should never be discounted or ignored, but rather taken very seriously. Your runic workings, your advancement, and any further education on this topic, including astrology, are all part of your salvation and redemption.

You have been open with us with many things and received lots of support in return. Now it is your time to accept this perception that you are still able to move forward, and start to put this into actual steps. Now that you have read this, why don't you start with something like 5 minutes of void, some aura cleaning, and chant a good AOP with Algiz? This can be done in perhaps 20 minutes, but would make a big difference.

 

[Karnonnos [JG]]

Guilt is not part of Satanism. You need to learn defiance, stop being influenced by others 'judgements' and understand on a deep level how hypocritical, vicious and lying many people are, especially on social media. You are too self-oriented and not noticing of others defects. In turn this is creating a distorted viewpoint of yourself where others are moral paragons (THEY ARE NOT) and you are some sort of "monster" for one single act.

Likely this has drawn up xian complexes of validation and forgiveness. It is not normal to feel suicidal for four years over a minor mistake that any second or third worlder would GLOAT about.

Especially on your level, please understand it is I M P O S S I B L E to live life as some anodyne perfecti who never experiences problems or misunderstandings. You have to aggress against or shock others sometimes to exist as your own person, which is what the symbolism of Aries and Mars deals with, along with Saturn and Capricorn/Aquarius.

Fucking people over deliberately, being a negative parasite and a sadist is another set of things, but westerners try to run away from 'making mistakes' to levels that are not remotely workable with the possibility of clashing personalities, extreme variation between individuals, misunderstandings and things that will happen on a regular basis. This is a major part of why we have become cuckolded hostages in our own countries.

Instead of smoking weed, I suggest trance and past life meditation to understand the real source of this issue. When you are in a deep trance say "I forgive myself for any past mistakes in a healthy, safe and protective way for me", "my judgements of myself are totally healthy and proportionate", etc.. Do this every day.

 

[forestkid]

Many thanks for reading and responding, allocating time in my problem, I really can't explain how much I apreciate it. It's very hard to go thru this. In the past I always seen the way, there was a time when I was driving in the middle of high on MDMA and weed, with a very very bad company drug users, pimps, very toxic people, and so on but I still seen a way out, I was still having in mind that I can escape and become better. I had chosen in my youth very bad company. I hurt my parents with my misbehaviour. With my past behaviour I hurt only myself, execpt hurting my parents thru "proxy" by hurting myself, thats the reason why I could get past it almost immediately, I remember 1 year and so ago, when the war in Ukraine started, at first I panicked, I thought the world was ending somehow, at least for me, I quite close to Ukraine, and I thought that it was just a matter of time before I go to war, being placed in the first lines because I don't have any military experience, I turned to the forums, being sure that The High Priest will comment on it and I remember that He told that The Gods are directly implicated in it, and instantly I feel relieved and since I wasn't afraid at all about the war because I truly trust The Gods. But with this, feeling like a monster doing something deemed imoral, thinking that I am a monster, it truly raveged me from inside out, I really cannot explain how bad it is, I know that from the posts I made seems overlyexagerated but every word is from my heart, how I truly feel.

I don't get depresed because I turned back to weed, alcohol, or tobacco, being onest I really don't mind at all, It doesn't affect me mentally at least not directly, I know these vices are very very damageing to the mind, body and subcontious, but I didn't "relapse" I choose deliberately to do so, to mitigate or diminuate the pain. About the vices as I said, I remember almost overdosing, being on multiple drugs, sometimes while driving, also under alcohol, I felt, while being on drugs, like energy feels, leaving my body which I interpreted that the Gods are departing from me, skiping school for months and I really mean months on end, ending in grups of drug dealers that don't like me because of my looks and so on, being in danger, ignoring my parents which hurts me A Lot, but always I could live with me, I could see a way out, I thought I could get myself straight and those being in the past. I always had a "safe zone" mentally or physically, I could always find a way to enjoy myself, in different ways, even if some were damageing I always took the way of going to a less damagin vice until I quit like mdma to weed. I always been with The Gods in my mind, even if I didn't meditate, fought spiritually, or promote JoS, I always knew that They Are Enternal and I want to be their student and loyal follower, always when I thought I felt The Presence or a message from the Gods I always "healead" from everything. That's how I quit drugs or get to meditating, I gave myself an ultimatum, I told myself "I always talked to The Gods, and asked them help, and I am still doing drugs, smokeing, drinking alcohol, and I am not meditating which They do not aprove. I am a satanist inside and not outside, I will not spoke or ask for help from The Gods until I get myself straight" after some months I was clean. Now I feel this relationship was destroyed, eternally, by me... I do not wish for anyone to feel that The Gods are not in their lives anymore.

There is an aspect, about society, I'm thinking even I do things to "pay the debt" I always be that guy, I always have a "mark" which destroys me, I see it in criminals, if you step wrong during your life you'll always be a criminal, even after prison with minor things people will always be and "inmate in liberty". I talk to a friend who has mental problems(acute depresion, anxiety, extreme antisocial behaviour and a lot of nasty things) and his psychologist told him "you will always be a drunkard who does not drink". It seems to me that forgivness only truly applies to minor mistakes and wrongdoings. I imagine that I'll always be "on the run" people with accept me and only until they find out, a inner feeling that I am always hiding, I cannot be open with anyone. Another reason for the tv binging and gaming is avoiding the intense feeling of loneliness. I feel like an exile. I'm always trying to think that a while back I would not be seen as a monster, I don't how I would be seen in the ancient world talking about when people we're with The Gods.

I feel very weird, I am sorry I also see that I find reasons always why I am destroyed. I am thinking always about What JG Lydia or VoiceofEnki, or hailourtruegod said that it's nothing wrong with me, my friends and my family says the same, but it doesn't hold with me. In the west people would want me in jail, and due to watching for years on end western youtube and the like I have a western mindset. That's why I asked how people in the ancient world would see me. I was thinking about some of the sjw movement or lgbt or feminism are the result of the spiritual warfare, because the idee of these things are stopping the discrimination of homosexual people and women, and stopping people that do horibble things. I always invisiond to be a grand person and that cannot happen now, due to being always caught in a youtuber and streamer web, I cannot enjoy a "simple" life. I feel like the only way besides sucide, is being like a pet in zoo, being in a cage and being feed when people want to. Having restriction that a normal man won't have, thinking that if i do a mistake however small will be the end of me. If I want to partake in the activity of the forum, trying to help or something, il be discredited instantly ignored, thrown apart, people making fun of me, my opinions having zero value, I having zero value in society, if i get in an argument, the other party having this trump card to use against me.

Doing past life meditation, too see the real source of this issue, It will have an powerfull impact on me if there is another source of what I am feeling. The tought of quiting satanism is strong, and lately I always think about xianity that people will forgive me there, that I could be like everyone else there, and there I can "confess" to my wrong doing and be forgiven. But I cannot, I know xianity is a hoax. I can't leave satanism, but I feel I cannot stay either.

I will stop rable now, I am sorry



I know I'm not in a good state of mind, I can't think really, and I'll take your advice.

If you ask me what is happening or what will happen, I'll say that I don't know mostly, and guess that death of the soul awaits. I'll take your advice even if I really don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't doubt magick at all, I think there is a rune for emotional/psyche healing. It's funny that I need something like that.

If you can please give me some links with what I need to do, information about repetition because I don't know how many I need to do and so on. I can't go on the forums and read more than minutes, because I'm entering panick attacks, feeling like my whole body vibrates really really low. Also i want to get as soon as possible to have my astral hearing, and astral sight open, but the more important is the hearing. I want to get in contact with The Gods to talk to Them if they haven't abandoned me. I really need guidance, I tried multiple times in the past month and a half, to read about things, and try to do something, always ending me jumping out of my chair and walking in my room "going circles" while trembling uncontrolably.

I also want to ask a question, about reincarnation. I won't kill myself because I really can't hurt my familly like that but I want to know about reincarnation a bit. How much does it take for a soul to reincarnate, I've seen in the past but I don't remember, someone said that it takes around 40 years, but someone said that a soul cannot survive in the astral for more than some 3-4 years. I know it's a matter of planetary alignment and so on, but it has to be an average. On the same matter, if a satanist do some kabalistic squares on the area that has problems in his astral chart, does that affect when a soul can reincarnate? I think about reincarnation a lot, and being the only thing giving me a crumble of hope, but then the thought that everything will follow me thru reincarnations. I won't kill myself unless my mom would perish, and that won't happen soon.

Sorry for the long post again, I started thinking It'll be 10-20 lines long but I see I cannot help it but get my guts out. Thank you again for the support you are giving me, I really am thankfull.

I hope I don't make you mad by posting and spilling my guts here. I can see how annoying can be.

 

[forestkid]

Hi again, I am sorry for my outburst of pity, now I'll try and be concise.

I managed to talk to her brother, and after talking for a bit, he told me that he did a dna test, and came out as mainly gipsy. I know DNA test are a fraud, but I was and still think that they but there at most 2% jewish or gipsy but not mainly. I am from Eastern Europe, a balkanic country and some people here are dark skinned due to long exposure to the sun, she was a bit dark skinned, never thought of that as bad, my father is dark skinned but he works in the fields a lot, he stayied in sunlight for prolonged period of times since he was born, a lot of people here are darkskinned, I live in a mostly rural are. This is relevant for me because I thought about apologizing for my impertinence, and startet thinking further about getting back together, showing her the ways of Satan and so on. I even tought about a future togheter, that was my way of making up for my mistake even if before knowing she is gipsy I didn't see a way out. And now I know it's not possible because of her being gipsy. I don't understand because she hates gipsys.

When I got home, while researching the forums, I started feeling very lost and confused, maybe these feeling started earlyer while being out talking with her brother. I don't understand anything. Before this phase(if i can call this a phase) i thought about things being straightforward because of satanism, I don't know how to explain it. Everything seems twisted and with no start or end. I don't see this having relenace I just feelt that I need to talk about it. I feel confused, lost, perpetual torment, between two or more worlds, without the option of choosing the good world and not wanting to go to the bad world if that makes sense. I can't take a step back because I don't have a safe space mentally.

On the topic of The Gods, and satanism. For the past months(didn't keep track of time) while trying to speak with Lord Satan, I'm losing my words and focus, like my mind is closing even if during the day I have essays in my head that I want to talk with Lord Satan, sometimes I fall asleep for moments, I don't know how to explain it but while I try to talk with Him, it's like my everything is against me talking to Him, even me and Himself. Then after talking with him, not immediately everything gets worse, me feeling awful. Yesterday (the day before meeting her brother) I tried to talk to Him asking for help so everything goes smooth and now I feel lost. Now I start to think that I am a jew, that relationship with this girl and my impertinence empowers this thought. Only a jew would do such thing to a girl. I look around me and age gaps like this are the norm around here, especially in the rural area, and seen couples with higher age gap getting married and having kids, but now my pain comes more from me making "moves". I don't know, i don't understand anything now.

I know at my level I cannot be perfect. I lived with the ideea that I am the best for a long time, but no one does this type of mistakes (sexual misdemeanour), maybe some do and keep it hidden, I always been open with my mistakes to be honest, and always accepted punishment even in school, but this mistakes destroyes me. Forgiving myself feels weird. I'm torn apart between the tought and hope that i did nothing wrong, and accepting that I did that mistake. The part with did nothing wrong means accepting weird people as being the norm, the part with accepting the mistakes makes me thinks that I should be cut away from society and satanism forever..., I always hope i did nothing wrong somehow. And the only way of making up for this mistake was blown away.


Sorry for being a nuisance, before just reading some lines on the forum healed wounds like magic especially from experienced users.

 

[Blitzkreig [JG]]

There is an aspect, about society, I'm thinking even I do things to "pay the debt" I always be that guy, I always have a "mark" which destroys me, I see it in criminals, if you step wrong during your life you'll always be a criminal, even after prison with minor things people will always be and "inmate in liberty". I talk to a friend who has mental problems(acute depresion, anxiety, extreme antisocial behaviour and a lot of nasty things) and his psychologist told him "you will always be a drunkard who does not drink". It seems to me that forgivness only truly applies to minor mistakes and wrongdoings. I imagine that I'll always be "on the run" people with accept me and only until they find out, a inner feeling that I am always hiding, I cannot be open with anyone. Another reason for the tv binging and gaming is avoiding the intense feeling of loneliness. I feel like an exile. I'm always trying to think that a while back I would not be seen as a monster, I don't how I would be seen in the ancient world talking about when people we're with The Gods.

This is because society is lacking in Satanism, which pertains to evolution of humanity and the universe as a whole. This is why people say stupid stuff like "You will always be X", because they don't think it is possible to change, but this is totally untrue. What the psychologist said is blatantly unhelpful, because people who identify themselves as free of drinking perform better when confronted by alcohol at future dates.

Everyone has done all sorts of mistakes and embarrassing actions, any of which would make someone look like "that guy" if publicized.

The way how you avoid being "that guy" is by repairing this part of your soul, then continuing on to advance yourself over many years. At this point, you will clearly not be "that guy", because your soul will be purified and advanced past this. The reason have difficult realizing this is because you are focusing too much on the past and not on what could be.

In regards to how you go about this, you focus on the fundamentals of our path (40 day guide), then you do workings to drive larger changes. For example, you can use Munka to free yourself of sexual problems. See: https://www.ancient-forums.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=76661

HPS Maxine says it right there: "The following meditation and Sanskrit word of power can be used for liberating the soul from being stuck in certain situations"

In regards to being Jewish or whatever, this is just nonsense and not true. Jews are 1-2% of the world and hate Satan, which is not you.

The enemy will do everything they can to drive you away from this path. Don't let that happen.

 

[Karnonnos [JG]]

I managed to talk to her brother, and after talking for a bit, he told me that he did a dna test, and came out as mainly gipsy. I know DNA test are a fraud, but I was and still think that they but there at most 2% jewish or gipsy but not mainly. I am from Eastern Europe, a balkanic country and some people here are dark skinned due to long exposure to the sun, she was a bit dark skinned, never thought of that as bad, my father is dark skinned but he works in the fields a lot, he stayied in sunlight for prolonged period of times since he was born, a lot of people here are darkskinned, I live in a mostly rural are. This is relevant for me because I thought about apologizing for my impertinence, and startet thinking further about getting back together, showing her the ways of Satan and so on. I even tought about a future togheter, that was my way of making up for my mistake even if before knowing she is gipsy I didn't see a way out. And now I know it's not possible because of her being gipsy. I don't understand because she hates gipsys.

Understand one thing and try to be detached when thinking about this. This is a gypsy girl who is of the enemy.

Jews and gypsies are often flung at SS or any advanced Gentile soul to bring us seriously off track. They subconsciously do this because they are designed spiritually and biologically to hinder us. For example, an associate of mine had a fiancée. This gypsy came up to him in the street and said 'your relationship will last forever', then a few weeks later they broke up. There are several SS here who had embarrassing incidents with jews, or even jews as step-family. HPS Maxine also had a fair share of incidents and run ins with them, such as the insane one she saw cursing people.

I wouldn't say this if this was just some thing that happened, but in your case, you have agonized endlessly over this enemy girl for years in a country where the incident you describe isn't even abnormal. At this point it is worth comprehending if these circumstances are part of a variety of enemy curses against you, and to do FRTR and Returning Curses every day immediately.