I think I'm very ugly, is that low self-esteem or am I really ugly? in my chart (I'm a layman in astrology) it says that ugliness could be part of my life until a certain time or something like that...since I was a child I've hated myself and I think I'm ugly...I want to have plastic surgery but I don't have any money. I've tried to work a lot on my solar chakra, but it doesn't receive much.
OK. I have made some studies on self-hate and I experienced this on me; each time I see a person posting about those emotional difficulties, I want to contribute with the (few) things I have learned. This may sound harsh and may cause an emotional boomerang effects (refusing reality) if I am right, so you may need time to find your way to healing.
How can a child hate him/herself? Because someone lead the child to think so. A child has no knowledge or experience on how to compare him/herself to others so it is not yet able to judge if worthy, or not. A child will take what caregivers, idols, or important figures teach him. So self-hate is mostly OTHER'S FAULT not the child. Many people have been educated with self-blame, never being enough, always being wrong, since day 1 of life (including myself). This is common education in most xian world, with some exceptions. This is only the tip of the iceberg because, being hard with a child creates scars - while deep wounds are caused by traumas.
Traumatic events may range from being hit, repeatedly shout, ridiculed, or worst cases, physical or sexual abuse. Those are events that in a child will cause self-hate. Because the kid is hurted, beated or assaulted, thus his/her mind will think that he/she is bad or unworthy, or even ugly as you say, because he/she "deserved" mistreatment.
It's a very complex emotional pattern but, with sadness and regret, I tell you that most likely you suffered some kind of childhood trauma. Of which, nothing is usually your fault, as a kid cannot handle what happens from adults around. Adults are responsible, not the kid.
Willing to have plastic surgery is a form or self-refusal, you want to be another person.
I spent most of my life willing to be another person and... I am still the same person. You cannot change yourself, but you can change how you perceive yourself. A possible solution is "plastic surgery" applied to your thoughts and emotions, until you start to even lightly love yourself.
Because, unloved childs (mistreated childs are obviously not loved) are not able to love themselves, in their whole life.
Loving and appreciating yourself, is the key to feel better. All of this connects to a blocked hearh chakra. So you may also have Venus issues in your chart.
Sit down in silence and in void meditation for a minute, then mentally ask yourself like you are speaking with you as a kid: "What happened to you, why do you think you are ugly?"
You may need to repeat that. You possibly will receive an internal answer. Based on this, you can build a recovery path with your Guardian Demon, as GD is the only one (together with your unconscious mind) knowing what happened, and thus can guide you.
Let me say that, a person looking for Satan and enlightenment on here, is obviously much much valuable and better than many negative and criminal people around, wandering with a void gaze and a drunk mind. They are ugly, not you, as far as I can see.
