You are not thinking straight and you surely don't understand how life works , I am not saying this in a judgmental way or as if not carrying , quite the opposite actually. I understand what you're going trough ,I have myself been trough that place as well.
But you have to understand that the more shit you put in your own body the more poisonous mind becomes, you've said that you're meditating but one has to respect his body as well , one can't simply do a 40 days wunjo working for healing but daily making harm to his body and then have a surprised and shocked face and be like 'Oh...the meditations are not work' how could they if you don't allow them to work??
The fact they let your post go trough shows that we are indeed your friend and brother/sisters within Father Satan Himself, we do not care only about each other as a family but also for the entire population as a whole.
I am telling you , I know how those things works, If you decide to take your life then you would eliminate the pain just for a few minutes, you would still suffer in the astral and mostly in your next life and it's gonna be thousands times worse, we take all of this problems and sufferings with ourselves when we die and we get them again in our next lives , so taking your life would not help at all , quite the opposite is gonna be worse.
And this thing with 'I have schizophrenia' this is childish to say so , I doubt the society and system would had let you out the streets if you would truly have had it , this is just crying for attention.
Even if you ask Father Satan for a miracle help and heal , what would be the point of being perfect for one day if you will still go into your bad habits which lead to this very moment, you have to break the cycle , meaning .. stop drinking like a tard , ok? Go take a shower, have some big breaths , stay in bad, do void meditation for 15 minute but do it well then think and reflect upon your life , then do the void again and ask yourself 'What is that which makes me suffer? Is it the fact that I am alone? Is it the fact that I am not as beautiful as I would always wanted to be?'
Asking for help is not giving up , it's refusing to give up.
Here , watch this: