Who am I? How do I find out? [Long Post]

[Monarch]

Hello, before I begin I would like to give a little backstory on why I am asking this question, or, rather, why I don't know who I am.

From the age of 5-6 to the age of 11-12 I was abused by a family member sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The sexual, physical, spiritual, and emotional abuse are all very simple to understand, however, you may be wondering what I mean by mental abuse. Brainwashing. See, this family member would sit me down, after raping, beating, or doing whatever with me, every day, and have me repeat my day, minute by minute, hour by hour, and create alterations and have my repeat them until it overwrote my memory.

For a good 6-7 years I don't have any memories of my childhood home, I only have memories of when I was away from home. I remember many times, as a very young child trying to kill myself to make the pain inside myself dissapear that I didn't understand. In reality, I don't even remember these brainwashing sessions, the only reason I know they existed is because my mother found recordings of them being done, and my very noticable lack of memory for roughly 7 years.

Basically, this led to me not being able to figure out who I am, I have the first 4-5 years of my life of being a child, and then abuse, torment, suffering for 6-7 years, then being lost to a world, being thrown with feelings I didn't understand, self hatred I didn't know where it came from, just, so much confusion. After this evil bastard killed themselves, I didn't have anyone to brainwash me or tell me who I was anymore, I lived my life searching, trying to find love, trying to.. to figure out what it means to care about others and what it means to be cared about, til this day I'm not able to fully connect with people, I don't feel anything when family members, friends, or pets die.

Recently I've found someone I can connect with. A fellow SS. One who wants to improve, help the world, and be together with me, an SS of my own race(don't worry guys lol) who I plan to have children and who plans to have children with me. Basically, after all these years, I have found what love finally is, or at least.. what I think love is. And it's because of this love I've found that I've realized all these issues with me, I've realized that I've never truly been myself but instead a chomelian who puts on colors to please people, someone who changes themselves according to my partners wishes and adapts to what they desire. But, one day, I asked my SS partner how I could change myself for them, and they told me "Don't ever change yourself, the person I love is you, nobody else".

Just those simple words changed my life. I asked myself.. Who am I? Well. I've always had "great luck" in picking partners. I've literally dating nothing but people who didn't care for me, they all wanted me to change who I was, but, as a chomalian, that's all I knew, changing myself to suit others, being a tool. In reality, I know that I searched for people who would abuse me, who would control me, who would make me change for them, that was my idea of "love", after all, that's the only "love" I've ever had.

This brings me to the big question, how do I figure out who I am? I have my own thoughts and feelings, well, I could say, the only feelings I truly can say are mine 100% are those of SS origin, but.. Everything else.. I don't know. I don't know who I am, I never had the chance to figure out who I was, or rather, to become someone, when I was a child. I want to be someone, I want to be an individual, how can I love myself if I don't even know who I am? How can I tend to my partners garden if I don't even know what my garden is, let alone tend to it. How can you give anyone anything if you yourself don't have it? The love my partner has shown me makes me alive. I want to repay them for everything, I want to repay them for giving me a new lease on life, for being there for me, for loving me, for showing me what love is. But I know the only thing I will do by trying to help them when I myself am damaged is bring the pestilence from my garden into theirs. That is something I could never forgive myself for. I could never allow my own desire to help them destroy them, nor could I ever let it destroy me. I mean, shit, we've already agreed on our SS wedding date, so, hehe, how could I allow my other half to suffer because of my own lack of understanding about myself?

So, I ask you all, my brothers, my sisters, my teachers, my pupils, how do I find out who I am? How do I become. How do I be.

 

[Fuchs]

So, I ask you all, my brothers, my sisters, my teachers, my pupils, how do I find out who I am? How do I become. How do I be.

I did create this rune working you could use it for it (for a good start date look the ss calendar especialy no void of course moon https://www.ancient-forums.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=49621&hilit=ss+calendar):

2. Intelligence and memory working (color visualised runes and aura yellow)

MANNAZ+LÖGR+ODHAL+PERTHRO (Madur+ Lögur+Odal+Pero norwegian spelled one breath together) x111 reps

"My intelligence and memory are increasing in a healthy and beneficial way for me. I am acquiring knowledge about myself, the runes and the universe now, continuosly and forever." x 18 reps


The following advise is kind of experimental proceed with caution:


You can use this working (link) in a different way, don´t forget to raise energy before,
like in the link original jos site [e.g. "SURYA" SUUU-RR-YAH or "RAUM" RR-AHH-UUU-MMM. [Be sure to roll your R's] x111 reps, to regain your childhood memories:

1. Affirm: "I am now, continuously and forever "regaining" any and all "positive" memorys about [my childhood] from my soul and memorie, totally, permanently, and completely, in a healthy, positiv and beneficial way for me" x18 reps.

https://www.ancient-forums.com/viewtopic.php?p=197991#p197991


You could use it in its original form to forget all about your abuse:

Affirm: "I am now, continuously and forever removing any and all "negative" memorys about [childhood abuse] from my soul and memorie, totally, permanently, and completely, in a healthy, positiv and beneficial way for me" x18 reps.

[HPS Maxine did write about removing health issues, don´t own the dissease. For this reason, I did not include [my childhood abuse ] instead only [childhood abuse] should be ok, you may could forget about other peoples childhood abuse]


I would erase all the memorie since the abuse is not you, it was brought to you from a malicious person, there is nothing positive to hang on to it, if you would forget it completely /severe all ties to it, you could probably live a better live.


Aside from this do much cleaning:

Aura cleaning 1 and 2
https://www.satanisgod.org/www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Returning_Curses.html
https://www.satanisgod.org/www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Returning_Curses2.html

 

[Blitzkreig [JG]]

...

Who you are, including what events and troubles you may go through, is shown in the astrological natal chart. That would clearly show the karma that related to these traumatic events, and it would also show who you are besides any trauma. Unfortunately, sometimes a traumatic area in one area of life can lead to problems in another, especially if this has been recurring many times in past lives.

One concept that trauma victims need to relearn is to not view themselves as "damaged goods" in relation to others. Yes, you have some bad karma to work through, but the majority of this suffering is on your head, and not on your partner's or friends'. In other words, it is actually inappropriate for you to place so much thought on your partner's wellbeing when you yourself need the assistance.

Obviously, we are always growing through Satanism, so you will change yourself for the better. However, what your partner means is that they love you for your current self. You should not feel like you have to always change just to receive love.

This is something that may feel hard for you to grasp emotionally, but as you do energy work to remove all this karma and trauma from yourself, you will begin to have a much healthier view of yourself and your relationships. As far as right now, you should relax about your fears with your partner. If they did not understand you and wish to be with you, they wouldn't have scheduled a wedding.

You should use the Munka mantra to a multiple of 9, on a waning moon date of endings. For example, this upcoming November 4th or the day before. Program the energy to remove any negative karma or programming related to past trauma or to your relationships, in a healthy manner for you. You will likely have to continue this for more than 40 days.

Take care!

 

[Blackdragon666]

That was quite an unfortunate childhood. You should know that you can heal all the damage done to you progressively and be free and okay. Our spiritual practices work to heal the soul and mind. Be diligent in your meditations and you'll see the change with time.

 

[Monarch]

...

Who you are, including what events and troubles you may go through, is shown in the astrological natal chart. That would clearly show the karma that related to these traumatic events, and it would also show who you are besides any trauma. Unfortunately, sometimes a traumatic area in one area of life can lead to problems in another, especially if this has been recurring many times in past lives.

One concept that trauma victims need to relearn is to not view themselves as "damaged goods" in relation to others. Yes, you have some bad karma to work through, but the majority of this suffering is on your head, and not on your partner's or friends'. In other words, it is actually inappropriate for you to place so much thought on your partner's wellbeing when you yourself need the assistance.

Obviously, we are always growing through Satanism, so you will change yourself for the better. However, what your partner means is that they love you for your current self. You should not feel like you have to always change just to receive love.

This is something that may feel hard for you to grasp emotionally, but as you do energy work to remove all this karma and trauma from yourself, you will begin to have a much healthier view of yourself and your relationships. As far as right now, you should relax about your fears with your partner. If they did not understand you and wish to be with you, they wouldn't have scheduled a wedding.

You should use the Munka mantra to a multiple of 9, on a waning moon date of endings. For example, this upcoming November 4th or the day before. Program the energy to remove any negative karma or programming related to past trauma or to your relationships, in a healthy manner for you. You will likely have to continue this for more than 40 days.

Take care!

Thank you so much, your post really helped me man, more than you'll ever know. Ever since reading the things you said and contemplating them, I've felt a sense of peace of mind. Maybe you were that final push that made me realize that I am actually deserving of love and all these things and don't need to change myself. That even if I don't change I am loved. It's nice wanting to change for myself and nobody else, or perhaps change isn't the proper word, improve would be more appropriate .

You see, I've done life coaching and used a lot of knowledge I've studied to help others but have never taken my own advice, all that information was there and I knew it was true, but you helped give me that final push. Thank you again man, I really appreciate you.

That was quite an unfortunate childhood. You should know that you can heal all the damage done to you progressively and be free and okay. Our spiritual practices work to heal the soul and mind. Be diligent in your meditations and you'll see the change with time.

Thank you for the reminded my brother. I will keep that in mind