I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...