vabzirteloch
New member
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2002
- Messages
- 34
Hey brothers and sisters, I have never spoken to anyone about this, but I feel I have to do it now. I guess you're not really interested in my personal problems, which I totally understand, but I don't know who else I can tell this. And I wonder if any one of you have some of these problems as well?
So here it goes:
I think my life is a mess, and it's not going the way I wanted it to go. First of all I'm not really a social person, and I have only two people whom I can call a „friend”, but maybe this word is too strong... Only one of them wished me a happy birthday, the other one didn't, although we talked about my birthday just a few weeks before it, and when I went to the bathroom, he checked my ID to see when I was born, because he didn't know it! And I know this guy for at least 6 years...
The others I got to know at the university are all assholes, they cannot be trusted, they are like fucking leeches. They don't give, they just want to recieve.
I haven't been to a party for almost 2 years, because I don't like parties, I think everyone hates me or think about me as a loser. The only time I feel good at a party is when I'm drunk, but I don't want to be drunk, I don't want to lose control over my thoughts and actions anymore. But somehow I feel I have to go to parties, and I don't know why. I don't know if this is my real desire, or is it just the social pressure...
I'm very sensitive too, often I can't tell when one is joking or he wants to hurt me. I also feel nervous on buses or on the subway, because I think everyone is watching what I do, how I react. I always take up a „mask” when I'm out in the public alone, I don't smile, I don't want anyone to see any emotion on my face. I'm too concerned about what others might think about me.
I don't really like people, and I don't trust anyone. This post of mine is a big step for me, because I have never spoken about these problems in detail to anyone, not even my „friends”, because I don't trust them either. I'm afraid of what they might think about me after I told them about this. I don't want to see a psychologist, because talking to a total stranger in person about my problems would be a total emotional suicide for me (I know I would cry, and I would be really fucking embarrassed). I cried in front of my parents recently, and that was the worst day for me in a long time, I was ashamed (I'm 21, male). I thought they think I'm a fucking loser, not even a man, because men don't cry (I know it's bad to repress emotions, but I don't feel like crying when I'm alone)... I'm on the edge of crying right now, as every time I face with my weaknesses. I know these must be dealt with very soon, and I'm afraid of that time.
My another problem is that since I became a SS, I don't think any girl would like me after they find out I'm a SS. Therefore finding a girl is a problem for me (this is another thing that makes me feel I'm a loser), it was easier in high school, but I was very shy then too.
So basically this is it. As you can see, I'm a pretty fucking messed up person, with lots of emotional and social problems. I'm not the person I want to be, and when I hear the advice „act, speak and live like the person you want to be”, I think „That would not be me, I would just fool myself, I wouldn't be myself”.
I'm afraid to tell anything like this to anyone in person, because I think they might use it against me one time. This happened before, and maybe in earlier lifetimes too. I'm also afraid that Satan is angry at me because I don't like people, His Creation. To be honest, I'm afraid of what You guys think about me when you read this. As I said, this is a big step for me.
I appreciate any help, and I hope I'm not alone with this.
HAIL SATAN AND THE GODS OF DUAT!
So here it goes:
I think my life is a mess, and it's not going the way I wanted it to go. First of all I'm not really a social person, and I have only two people whom I can call a „friend”, but maybe this word is too strong... Only one of them wished me a happy birthday, the other one didn't, although we talked about my birthday just a few weeks before it, and when I went to the bathroom, he checked my ID to see when I was born, because he didn't know it! And I know this guy for at least 6 years...
The others I got to know at the university are all assholes, they cannot be trusted, they are like fucking leeches. They don't give, they just want to recieve.
I haven't been to a party for almost 2 years, because I don't like parties, I think everyone hates me or think about me as a loser. The only time I feel good at a party is when I'm drunk, but I don't want to be drunk, I don't want to lose control over my thoughts and actions anymore. But somehow I feel I have to go to parties, and I don't know why. I don't know if this is my real desire, or is it just the social pressure...
I'm very sensitive too, often I can't tell when one is joking or he wants to hurt me. I also feel nervous on buses or on the subway, because I think everyone is watching what I do, how I react. I always take up a „mask” when I'm out in the public alone, I don't smile, I don't want anyone to see any emotion on my face. I'm too concerned about what others might think about me.
I don't really like people, and I don't trust anyone. This post of mine is a big step for me, because I have never spoken about these problems in detail to anyone, not even my „friends”, because I don't trust them either. I'm afraid of what they might think about me after I told them about this. I don't want to see a psychologist, because talking to a total stranger in person about my problems would be a total emotional suicide for me (I know I would cry, and I would be really fucking embarrassed). I cried in front of my parents recently, and that was the worst day for me in a long time, I was ashamed (I'm 21, male). I thought they think I'm a fucking loser, not even a man, because men don't cry (I know it's bad to repress emotions, but I don't feel like crying when I'm alone)... I'm on the edge of crying right now, as every time I face with my weaknesses. I know these must be dealt with very soon, and I'm afraid of that time.
My another problem is that since I became a SS, I don't think any girl would like me after they find out I'm a SS. Therefore finding a girl is a problem for me (this is another thing that makes me feel I'm a loser), it was easier in high school, but I was very shy then too.
So basically this is it. As you can see, I'm a pretty fucking messed up person, with lots of emotional and social problems. I'm not the person I want to be, and when I hear the advice „act, speak and live like the person you want to be”, I think „That would not be me, I would just fool myself, I wouldn't be myself”.
I'm afraid to tell anything like this to anyone in person, because I think they might use it against me one time. This happened before, and maybe in earlier lifetimes too. I'm also afraid that Satan is angry at me because I don't like people, His Creation. To be honest, I'm afraid of what You guys think about me when you read this. As I said, this is a big step for me.
I appreciate any help, and I hope I'm not alone with this.
HAIL SATAN AND THE GODS OF DUAT!