Sarramixa said:
i think his problem is not the air but his atitude towards life.
you're right, actually
i always try to "discover everything" before acting and i always wait for the "perfect moment" (the perfect moment is now, i know of course)
for this reason, even with myself i try to analyze everything in depth first and then act, but the last internal block that i established was too strong, and let's say i'm not yet so "free" to do the things i should and want do "in the real world" or even at my home, nothing to worry about, family issues and i'm the only one of my brothers who stayed here at home without leaving, this situation will soon change but i can't really do that much now if i don't want to go crazy and lose control, like everytime, i'm in what u might call "survival mode", let's say i'm also not the one in charge of these things, that's why i'm "waiting" while i try doing at least "something useful"
this time should be the right time anyway, i'm not studying or working and i can continue like this temporarily until that "situation" ends
remaining alive maybe
there are a lot of terribly wrong things that i've underestimated about myself, thinking that it's enough to meditate, do as many right things as possible and things like that, u know
but no it seems that my primary problems come precisely from these disgusting habits
sometimes i wonder if i'm really retarded or something
among other things in all this confusion as you can see, i quickly become dependent on anything, even attention, in fact in the end either i am ignored (deserved and the right thing) or i detach myself (as i realize)
always these extremes instead of a balance
learning science is helping me understand "everything" about it, once u know it's very simple
i can't even concentrate, ever since i was a child, and all the chaos i'm still "forced" to experience doesn't help, i can't wait to move out, trying to help my family here will destroy me even more, they can't listen to the most simple request or advise, they just don't care anymore, they never did that profoundly
i mean about themselves, me, my brothers, their marriage, anything really
i can't even help myself like i should at the moment, it can sounds like an excuse or laziness or i don't know, but well it's not that true actually
among other things about these "wrong habits"
studying the chemistry "behind"
they correspond exactly to what unfortunately i naturally lack or can't control
luckily i still have a brain to understand, many qualities and a lot of resistance
(as i write and by the messy way i do it, u can understand how much i need to express myself)
thank you for your patience with me, i don't even deserve it