AskSatanOperator
Well-known member
I'm almost 25 years old, and I've never experienced any form of genuine affection or love from other's.
My mother isn't a bad person, but was mostly uncaring and unaffectionate. My father was technically there, but worked long hours and otherwise ignored his family when he could.
It was like living in a house full of ghosts. Yes, there were people living there, but there kinda wasn't... Zero interaction or emotional involvement. It's closer to having lived with two sperm/egg donor's than parents.
The emotional environment of my childhood seems to have translated over into my friendships/relationships, where I struggle with emotional expression.
A large portion of my soul is oriented towards interpersonal relationships, but I can't seem to form any. And the few people I do click with, some fated event seems to always tear us apart soon after.
My childhood wasn't really "bad" per se nor have I experienced much serious misfortune in life, but it's like I haven't been able to exist yet... I'm still in the womb, waiting to be born.
And it feels terrible, as if something keeps preventing me from forming any sort of bond that could lead to love or anything good or any significant human experiences.
The same occurs in the realm of career, which is a strong pull of mine, but I seem to be constantly dealt a bad hand. And so I haven't even been able to distract myself with work. It's not an issue of competence either, but problematic social relations.
My emotion's exist, but they're buried so deep even I can't feel them anymore, except rarely. I can acknowledge they exist mentally, but there's no actual feeling there unless it's some sort of extreme experience. There's something that's "strangling" out all of the emotion from my interactions. Everything has become pure business and I am unable to "have fun" - nor do I want to. I want to work, but I can't work. I want to love, but I can't love.
The hilarious thing is I have Libra Sun/Moon conjunction in the 1st House, so people can so plainly see my lack of emotional involvement all over my face, so even though I technically have "good" social skills something always alerts them that there's something wrong with me or that I'm only pretending to care about whatever nonsense topic they're talking about.
But I am actually a "loving" person, it's just through this sort of mental plane that doesn't seem to do me much good. There isn't enough water/emotional receptivity in my soul to offset these "airy" tendencies.
This problem is alienating me from those around me, but worse, it feels as though I am being alienated from myself.
As though I am not the person, but the mask wearing the person.
My mother isn't a bad person, but was mostly uncaring and unaffectionate. My father was technically there, but worked long hours and otherwise ignored his family when he could.
It was like living in a house full of ghosts. Yes, there were people living there, but there kinda wasn't... Zero interaction or emotional involvement. It's closer to having lived with two sperm/egg donor's than parents.
The emotional environment of my childhood seems to have translated over into my friendships/relationships, where I struggle with emotional expression.
A large portion of my soul is oriented towards interpersonal relationships, but I can't seem to form any. And the few people I do click with, some fated event seems to always tear us apart soon after.
My childhood wasn't really "bad" per se nor have I experienced much serious misfortune in life, but it's like I haven't been able to exist yet... I'm still in the womb, waiting to be born.
And it feels terrible, as if something keeps preventing me from forming any sort of bond that could lead to love or anything good or any significant human experiences.
The same occurs in the realm of career, which is a strong pull of mine, but I seem to be constantly dealt a bad hand. And so I haven't even been able to distract myself with work. It's not an issue of competence either, but problematic social relations.
My emotion's exist, but they're buried so deep even I can't feel them anymore, except rarely. I can acknowledge they exist mentally, but there's no actual feeling there unless it's some sort of extreme experience. There's something that's "strangling" out all of the emotion from my interactions. Everything has become pure business and I am unable to "have fun" - nor do I want to. I want to work, but I can't work. I want to love, but I can't love.
The hilarious thing is I have Libra Sun/Moon conjunction in the 1st House, so people can so plainly see my lack of emotional involvement all over my face, so even though I technically have "good" social skills something always alerts them that there's something wrong with me or that I'm only pretending to care about whatever nonsense topic they're talking about.
But I am actually a "loving" person, it's just through this sort of mental plane that doesn't seem to do me much good. There isn't enough water/emotional receptivity in my soul to offset these "airy" tendencies.
This problem is alienating me from those around me, but worse, it feels as though I am being alienated from myself.
As though I am not the person, but the mask wearing the person.
