Question #2256: Late Bloomer

[AskSatanOperator]

Looking at my birth chart, I'm what you might call a late bloomer
The thing is, I'm at the beginning of my 20s and I missed out almost if not totally on sex, affection, love, friendships and in many other areas of life, where the people around me experienced a lot, and way earlier
I've lived 20 years of nightmares, experiences, emotions and periods that I don't even wish on my worst enemy
I've watched myself go from a kid full of life and hope to fighting everyday to stay here
I've changed a lot, too much, and I'm starting to think it's permanent now
I hate everything, everyone, I am full of hate, resentment and disgust towards any kind of existence, whether material or abstract, I have lost all sorts of morals and ethics, values ​​and principles, I think I've lost everything that makes us human
I know however that all of this is wrong, that it shouldn't be like this, but i don't see myself changing now, I sincerely don't believe that any meditation or miracle or divine healing can erase all that has been, I will never heal, at least not in this life
One of the main problems is that I know very well that even if I reached now or later everything that could have saved me is now too late, I have already lost myself, I have already lost the ability to connect and value anything
I alternate between days of sociopathy and total absence of emotion, except for emptiness and disgust, like a jew, being on the verge of committing heinous acts, out of envy of normal life and nature and the eternal pain I carry inside, to days of despair and cosmic pessimism in which I don't even have the strength to lift a finger
I know perfectly well that the answers I will be given will be to never give up, be strong, meditate and blah blah blah
or that everything can heal, that there's always a way out, but believe me, it can't be like this and I certainly know it, I repeat at least not in this earthly life, this time there's really nothing left to do, there is no material or spiritual compensation that will ever make me return to be normal inside
It's funny to think that when I was little all I dreamed was to experience love, be loved, be with people, help, do good in this world, live with my passions, have a family, and now I find myself completely alone, cut off from all this, seeing everyone around me having these experiences and heading towards this kind of life, I thought I was special, that I had something unique inside of me, that I would leave an indelible mark on this universe, but now I know
At this point it's not even a question anymore, I have nothing to ask really, maybe my childish mind is waiting for some sort of miraculous realization or solution to come along but like I already said I know it doesn't exist, I'm just kidding myself
Despite everything and everything I've become, I'm sorry that I failed, that I betrayed my child self and the gods
I don't know if I will ever be forgiven or understood for what I will do and how it will end, because I know it will be a tragedy
With the vision I have now I don't even hope I can heal in next lifetimes or in the future I just want to never exist again
I am no longer in line with anything human or natural, I am just a danger and a waste to the universe, I am the opposite of what I should be, and human nature along with the way the universe works disgust me
I'm sorry, I wanted anything but this, really, but it's too late now, I can't "bloom" anymore

 

[Henu the Great]

So if you are determined not to heal yourself why do you post here. Perhaps deep down you know it is possible (because it is), but in your state of nihilism do not want to accept responsibility for your own well-being.

Number one step for growth is to want to grow. Otherwise you'll just 'go with the flow' at the mercy of the planets for better or worse.

 

[Karnonnos [JG]]

This is extremely bad and exactly what I meant by someone who needs extreme rectification in the other thread. But you've made up your mind seemingly, led astray totally by others who have impressed resentment complexes on your mind probably since you were a child scrolling on a phone. It isn't about 'forgiveness' from the Gods or anyone else, they aren't like the nazarene, it's about your own willingness to do anything. You have to do this yourself.

Whatever it is, you sound as if you have been cursed by the enemy heavily and you have to engage with the practices here if you want anything to reverse. But if you're too lazy to do that and use all these things as excuses, there's nothing we can do.

 

[Late Bloomer]

This is extremely bad and exactly what I meant by someone who needs extreme rectification in the other thread.

I know, I saw that, that's the main reason that prompted me to "share" this here

However stupid and useless it is, I know that at least here there are intelligent and understanding people with whom one can have a dialogue or a sensible confrontation, something still worth to me to some degree that in the outside world would be quite difficult to achieve given the subject of the speech, so it's just a civil exchange of words even though inside I am now opposed to you
I know I'm the wrong one and that we now have different perspectives, we are different, I understand it and I don't need to be an asshole like others would act in my mental state, as long as there is respect in this case i choose to respect despite my essence, I also still have a brain, I know this might all sound contradictory
there's also no real "reason" as I already said, so it wasn't a cry for help or a complaint about my non-existent helplessness
Is this still disrespect? I don't know, I strongly believe that there have been more senseless and arrogant questions and posts here

It isn't about 'forgiveness' from the Gods or anyone else, it's about your own willingness to do anything. You have to do this yourself.

About this, that's not what I meant by that sentence, actually I'm the one who doesn't seem to be able to forgive or change, tbh i don't even want to at this point, although I am able to understand, in fact I'm not angry at the gods or nonsense shit like that like I've seen in me first and in many others many times, I'm sure you all know what I mean by this, I already understood these things and I'm already past that stage
I think it's more like I've reached a level where I would call myself "broken inside", brought here by an inner destruction due to the life lived so far
I have already explained what I am now and how I think, and yes I realize that it has to do only with my will, in fact this is my will, I feel much more belonging to this way of being and thinking than to anything else now, I wouldn't even want to heal by now, my own nature now disgusts me, I'd rather not exist, together with the fact that in me there is now an immense hatred and opposition towards everything, even myself since over time I have certainly had my faults too, although with myself I am still more understanding

But if you're too lazy to do that and use all these things as excuses, there's nothing we can do.

I really don't expect you to do anything, and as you see I'm not lazy, all of this just doesn't suit me
It would probably be "nice" to live in accord with my nature, but I'm just not like that anymore
It's simply too late both "wanting to" and not wanting to, also there is something inside of me that would no longer allow me to try to "heal" even "wanting to"
I tried it even after losing hope, before changing completely, and I've always been drawn back by several factors
The "evil" part inside me has always taken over, and it is the one with which I have recognized myself more and more over time
Before completely losing touch with real reality, creating this cage of hatred and disgust of mine, I tried to get out of it, not so much spiritually or with magic as on an emotional and "human" level, trying to fill those voids, find what I had lost inside me and what this life had denied me, or change psychologically
Without adding useless details, in short, I tried to get back on track and live normally, be normal, heal my inner child
But i failed, he died along the way and I became more and more numb and ill-natured
Strong enough to admit that I really hoped that someone would come and save me when I still felt there was time, sadly it doesn't work that way, and on the contrary from the outside I only got my ass kicked

I don't know if you are able to understand better now, certainly you will not be able to do this completely because you are not me and you have not lived in my body and mind these 20 years, but I tried to explain this more

 

[Epiphany]

Looking at my birth chart, I'm what you might call a late bloomer
The thing is, I'm at the beginning of my 20s and I missed out almost if not totally on sex, affection, love, friendships and in many other areas of life, where the people around me experienced a lot, and way earlier
I've lived 20 years of nightmares, experiences, emotions and periods that I don't even wish on my worst enemy
I've watched myself go from a kid full of life and hope to fighting everyday to stay here
I've changed a lot, too much, and I'm starting to think it's permanent now
I hate everything, everyone, I am full of hate, resentment and disgust towards any kind of existence, whether material or abstract, I have lost all sorts of morals and ethics, values ​​and principles, I think I've lost everything that makes us human
I know however that all of this is wrong, that it shouldn't be like this, but i don't see myself changing now, I sincerely don't believe that any meditation or miracle or divine healing can erase all that has been, I will never heal, at least not in this life
One of the main problems is that I know very well that even if I reached now or later everything that could have saved me is now too late, I have already lost myself, I have already lost the ability to connect and value anything
I alternate between days of sociopathy and total absence of emotion, except for emptiness and disgust, like a jew, being on the verge of committing heinous acts, out of envy of normal life and nature and the eternal pain I carry inside, to days of despair and cosmic pessimism in which I don't even have the strength to lift a finger
I know perfectly well that the answers I will be given will be to never give up, be strong, meditate and blah blah blah
or that everything can heal, that there's always a way out, but believe me, it can't be like this and I certainly know it, I repeat at least not in this earthly life, this time there's really nothing left to do, there is no material or spiritual compensation that will ever make me return to be normal inside
It's funny to think that when I was little all I dreamed was to experience love, be loved, be with people, help, do good in this world, live with my passions, have a family, and now I find myself completely alone, cut off from all this, seeing everyone around me having these experiences and heading towards this kind of life, I thought I was special, that I had something unique inside of me, that I would leave an indelible mark on this universe, but now I know
At this point it's not even a question anymore, I have nothing to ask really, maybe my childish mind is waiting for some sort of miraculous realization or solution to come along but like I already said I know it doesn't exist, I'm just kidding myself
Despite everything and everything I've become, I'm sorry that I failed, that I betrayed my child self and the gods
I don't know if I will ever be forgiven or understood for what I will do and how it will end, because I know it will be a tragedy
With the vision I have now I don't even hope I can heal in next lifetimes or in the future I just want to never exist again
I am no longer in line with anything human or natural, I am just a danger and a waste to the universe, I am the opposite of what I should be, and human nature along with the way the universe works disgust me
I'm sorry, I wanted anything but this, really, but it's too late now, I can't "bloom" anymore

I was once full of negativity like you are now. I can't tell you what to do, nor can anyone else, because you have to find your own answers and walk your own path.

I can tell you that pain is a part of life, and life goes on, and life changes. Sometimes you change your life. Sometimes your life changes you. You have to find the next step to take because wallowing, wishing and waiting for death is going to be a long and lonesome road, even if you find company in the miserable.

You might have alot of growing left to do before you'll be ready for the next steps in your evolution, but that growth may not happen if you don't give life a chance.

Take control of your own ship, find your heading and sail, even if you don't know where you're going. Moving on will refresh your mind, stagnation is death. Notice the beauty in the little things around you, and hold it close to your heart. Spend time with plants and animals, and remember the random acts of kindness that people do that add pleasantness to life. Engage in random acts of kindness yourself. Open your heart to music and let it fill you with positive and life affirming energy, and let it express what you can't put to words. The void can be filled if you give life a chance, and there's no telling where life will take you if you go with the flow.

Once was a thought inside my head
'Fore I reached thirty I'd be dead
But somehow on and on I go
I keep on rollin' with the flow
- Charlie Rich

 

[Blitzkreig [JG]]

...

Everyone who comes to this path has problems. The average human soul has plenty of major problems.

However, you are being overwhelmed by this, which is understandable, but this is paralyzing you from taking further steps. I am telling you, you have to snap out of it, because it will only get worse.

There have been plenty of times where I have despaired and felt extreme frustration, especially earlier in my path. Even if you cannot realize it, it will get better, provided you are taking it day by day and working on solutions.

And yes, I have dealt with all sorts of uncomfortable problems, such as things that were very sad to me, and so on. It can all be fixed, I promise.

Work on the basics of this path, then work with energies connected to happiness and optimism, like Wunjo and Sowilo. That is the way out of this. If you apply the energies to your soul, it will heal. There is no doubting this process.

Even if you do not want to live for yourself, you can decide that you must stay alive for others and be a light in the darkness for them. Many other people have gone through what you have, but they don't have the spiritual solutions available. Yet, they will need someone just like you to show them the way out.

But to do any of this, you must make up your mind to join with your brothers and sisters within this struggle of life, knowing that there is hope, even if it is hard-fought.

You were a child beforehand, but now you are an adult, and you are more capable. Do not think that you can compare yourself now to what happened earlier in your life. You are matured, surrounded by spiritual solutions, and amongst your fellow SS.

Start here and let me know your progress in 2 weeks.

 

[Late Bloomer]

" post_id=458471 user_id=21286]

First of all thank you anyway for your attention, comprehension and care towards me, it's not something I'm used to and I appreciate it
I also thank you for your nice attitude, which given the situation and who I am I didn't even deserve, that's very mature of you, I appreciate this too

Despite it all I've carefully read your two replies

Regarding moving forward, the only thought that has kept me straight lately is that of my evolution
I refer to the past as well as the future
If there is one thing that this destructive life I've lived has given me it's this incredible strength and discipline that I have now and that back in the day I could only imagine, although all this has emptied me inside, I admit that this detachment and inner emptiness has made me very resilient, in certain old times I prayed that I could achieve this numbness rather than feel all those intense emotions and suffer as much as I suffered, so although I'm currently dead inside but with these psychological problems and complexes, at least I'm not in that type of pain because I'm not able to feel it completely, it's somehow a victory, if I was still able to feel strong emotions I wouldn't last even a week before totally losing my mind and doing something terrible, out of control
When I talk about pain and suffering for my situation it's more a psychological condition than real pain, I don't feel anything to be honest, I don't know how understandable this can be
In any case, seen in this way it would be a shame to throw away this achieved condition that could allow me to do a lot of things, even if they could never save me or give me back anything, I could at least achieve goals and grow as the sole purpose rather than destroy or destroy myself, trying to avoid the thought that I don't care about it anyway and that I wanted completely different things from this cursed life, especially not to end up in this condition and just live like a normal human being, but apparently for all of this I'm in the wrong era, and in any case by now I'm wrong myself and I would no longer be able to align myself with this even reaching it
By this I mean that for example when I then had some chances to fulfill some of my old desires, I rejected them by hating them and being disgusted, without adding unnecessary details in this, at that point I just realized that it was anyway too late to reach and enjoy what once might have been the cure because I was already changed and broken inside

So, in conclusion

Until the evil in me will take over and I'll lose my mind and control
I'll continue as I am, as I now feel and want to be, in accordance with my evil and opposite nature and way of thinking, which is currently all I feel like I really belong mentally for the first time in my life with no filters or obligations, right now this is my true self and I feel much more comfortable and true in this rather than lying to myself trying to be what I'm not, and think how I don't think, even if it's like a human being should, my rejection of everything and my loneliness, but without letting myself go or hurting others and still focusing on my individual growth and achievement of goals
I won't change who I am now, but I will commit to carry on as long as I can afford it
I have done good in the past however, woke up my entire family and opened their eyes as well as led many other confused people who i've been in contact with to discover the truth about satan and the gods, not all of them are already ascended masters but hey, now they know and are alined with the truth walking the right path
In addition to this I have helped many people in many ways satanism aside
Sometimes I think I have helped others more than myself, I had a big heart
Now I hate humanity, or rather I should say what humanity has become and is in this era, I can't be with people anymore, I hate everyone and all I do is hurt them, even unintentionally
The only and the smartest thing I can do now is continue this road alone until I won't be able to anymore, I swear I wish I could have had company, be compatible, it's probably all I really wanted in my life, maybe in the future, in this or in a next life, when eventually I will be "human" again and I will no longer be like this, I will be able to come back among you and feel in my place, once healed I will want to be a guide for all broken souls like was mine, I promise

Thanks for linking the famous 40 days program, but I'm already familiar with meditation, I recently quit because I didn't care, despite the successes and "positive effects" on my life
I will be reintroducing it soon along with the yoga and physical exercise routine I already do every day
Also I think for very beginners the 6 months spiritual warfare training program is more suitable, link that to the people who never did anything in this matter because with the other they'll find it difficult to do some things cause they are a bit too advanced for people not having already the basics or just lacking anything like opened chakras and good visualization

Thanks again, this matter can end here

 

[Blitzkreig [JG]]

at least I'm not in that type of pain because I'm not able to feel it completely, it's somehow a victory, if I was still able to feel strong emotions I wouldn't last even a week before totally losing my mind and doing something terrible, out of control
When I talk about pain and suffering for my situation it's more a psychological condition than real pain, I don't feel anything to be honest, I don't know how understandable this can be

It is normal for the body to block out emotions in order to avoid pain, just as it tries to avoid physical pain. However, with emotional pain, the damage is more internal and harder to escape from, compared to a physical threat. If you think of our emotions like the water element, a damaged psychological state is like a polluted pool of water. Because of the pollution and trauma, it has trouble interacting with other sensitivities and emotions of life, either with other people or the person themself.

What you are going through is a real wound and should not be understated or downplayed. However, in this case, you are letting in negatively impact you way too much, as it had caused you to lose hope for the future, potentially threatening your ability to heal.

If someone had a large cut on their arm, they would not claim that it is who they are, or that it is not real, or that it will never heal, and so on. Instead of letting it bleed out or get infected, they would immediately bandage it and go to a hospital.

It is easier for us to not identify with this physical type of damage because we see it as external to us. This is harder to do with emotional pain, however it is just as necessary to do this, rather than let ourselves be consumed by depressing thoughts. It needs to be actively addressed, just like we would bandage our arm.

--------------------

As you are already familiar with meditation and so forth, that means your soul should be in a strong enough state to start working on this. This upcoming August 30th Pisces Esbat would be a terrific time to start a working with Wunjo to heal. You can use an affirmation as simple as x40 or x80 Wunjo and: "This energy of Wunjo has permanently improved my psychological health and happiness, in a fully positive way for me." x5 or x9

Visualize the pool of emotions and feelings within you brightening, purified, and your happiness growing. Fulfillment and happiness can take many forms and is different between people, so leave this broad. As the energy has been applied, you are a new person from that day on, even if not immediately obvious. This grows every day and continues as the energy repairs and upgrades you.

Do at least 40 days, but the more you do the, the better the result. Fully healing can take time, so you should do this perhaps even out to a year. I say this just to be realistic, not make you balk. From this working, you will feel much happier, but also have some backlash and have some upsetting periods. Do not worry about this, but make sure you take your cleaning and protection seriously in order to help this process.

 

[LaTe bLoOmErX]

" post_id=458471 time=1692059098 user_id=21286]
you can decide that you must stay alive for others and be a light in the darkness for them. Many other people have gone through what you have, but they don't have the spiritual solutions available. Yet, they will need someone just like you to show them the way out.

thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
see you soon with this

 

[Aquarius]

Boy, you are merely at the start of your life, if you apply yourself to become a better human you will find yourself to be a much different and better person in little time. Expect a couple of years to undo all the negative, enjoy the process, and you will come out of it victorious.

 

[LaTe bLoOmErX]

Boy, you are merely at the start of your life, if you apply yourself to become a better human you will find yourself to be a much different and better person in little time. Expect a couple of years to undo all the negative, enjoy the process, and you will come out of it victorious.

true, thank you brother

 

[LaTe bLoOmErX]

" post_id=458471 time=1692059098 user_id=21286]
let me know your progress...

hey yo
just wanted to write this down here
now that i remembered that i have a heart and emotions like all human beings
i'm learning to control them too
and most importantly, when to shut the fuck up
i don't think i've ever had problems in my life in learning and understanding things but rather in completely accepting and integrating them
among other things, i have always had a lot of energy, perhaps even "too much"
reason that often made me go astray
i have always evolved very quickly, probably like many others, and not having full control over this can lead to more than one disaster
however, the more you grow, the more you improve, the more you adapt and truly understand

Number one step for growth is to want to grow.

but you have to want it, so this was really true

Moving on will refresh your mind, stagnation is death.

also, this was really the key btw
but you have to push away fear, embarrassment and arrogance, especially if you are very stubborn, otherwise you won't get anywhere
a phrase that comes to mind is
"when you have nothing left to lose you have everything to gain"

oh and last but certainly not in terms of importance, Satan, the Gods, are with us in this battle, but we must let them get closer to us, trust us, establishing a true connection with them is fundamental
it doesn't matter if you make a mistake as long as you try to get back on your feet, it's natural to make mistakes, the important thing is to get back on the right path

 

[LaTe bLoOmErX]

just wanted to write this down here

same thing
i think i have a need to "share" and "remind" myself about the things i "find out" in my everyday life
and i'm also starting to think that writing them here might make more sense than doing it with people in the outside world or writing in a notebook which in certain specific cases could also be risky
so yeah, it's basically myself talking to myself about the things i need to hear
maybe don't pay too much attention to my posts ashahhshsh, thank u
(of course if you see that i write something wrong or anything feel free to remove that etc without thinking that it will hurt my feelings or shit like that, i'll understand without questioning it, i think you already know that too now)

help yourself first

if "helping" people is something that brings you joy, remember that at the origin of this you must first of all feel good, so
the best, right and most sensible thing to do is to focus on yourself first, your path, your growth, only in this way you can really contribute without making mistakes or causing damage to yourself, and others
think about it, if you have certain unresolved problems and traumas inside you, how can you really help and save others? save yourself first of all, and maybe during the process itself you can even help in some way, but remember not to neglect yourself, not to put aside your priorities, something that is broken cannot fix other things, not even itself
first things first

 

[LaTe bLoOmErX]

hey yo
here again

considering that for 3 years now i have identified today 22 as "my personal" most important day of the year as well as the night of my first "spiritual awakening"
and also because i had a bad morning
together clearly with the other various related reasons
i'm dedicating some time to myself and to a in-depth reflection on some of my past experiences (don't worry about the possible "personal things" i say, i mean, i've said much worse, so yeah, maybe just in this case, please post this and leave everything as it is)
i'm realizing some things i want to be honest with myself about and come back to remember here on mY ToPiC

The thing is
I missed out almost if not totally on sex, affection, love, friendships and in many other areas of life, where the people around me experienced a lot, and way earlier
I've lived 21 years of nightmares, experiences, emotions and periods that I don't even wish on my worst enemy
I've watched myself go from a kid full of life and hope to fighting everyday to stay here

to be completely honest in this, i can say that it's a bit of a lie, and has been "50% my fault" or in fact almost entirely my choice and responsibility
i've had all kinds of opportunities, ever since i was a child, just as i still have them now
from the most natural to the craziest shit, in all areas of life
i am the one who chose to distance himself from them, to the point of doing so almost completely in the recent years
meanwhile for some it might seem stupid or something, just as it has always seemed so to many others who wanted to death what i could have had very easily unlike them
i've always had a profound sense of things, and seeing that this wasn't the case on the outside, for others, made me feel very bad internally
which, together with everything else, led me either to total distancing from them, or to the extremism of them in terms of "experiences"
i imagine it as childish "revenge" on the part of someone who has never been fully understood, or at least has never felt this way
in short, after this and that, extreme experiences or total nothing, going back and forth to hospitals and clinics, and having dropped out of school
i decided to isolate myself completely, or almost completely, maintaining contact with fRiEnDs and GirLfRiEnDs only rarely and in certain periods, as well as the related outings in the real world, and i left every job i had, becoming bored and annoyed very quickly with "work dynamics and circumstances"
among other things, i also neglected my dog a lot which i would have liked to have when i was very young and only later i was able to have for one reason and another
unfortunately my family also had a strong impact on all this, humanly and spiritually, i mean, now i understand that it wasn't their fault
in short, during my isolation, going back and forth between periods of "prosperity" and total destruction i have increasingly realized my mistakes, the mistakes of others, i have studied for a long time, and internally i have done nothing but descend further and further into the abyss
or maybe not, because now i also realize how these last empty years weren't so empty after all
the fact is that, at a certain point, i increasingly lost my profound hopes of being able to live in accordance with what i considered my "superiority"
along with the fact that i was feeling like i was wasting my youth entirely at this point
in these last few months, always keeping the truth inside me despite everything, i have decided to commit myself to study and inner research, once again, of everything, also neglecting many other things that were now part of my routine
i don't know how to explain it, but at a certain point i perceived that the only one who truly understood and loved me is, and has always been Satan, while i, in fact, neglected him too, as well as its teachings, its rules, and everything else
that's why now i'm trying to be better, not to lose myself again and maintain stability, as well as avoid being a fool, or even die
furthermore, although i am still in the midst of problematic situations, i am trying to do my best, also in not placing all the blame on myself, and trusting in the fact that by continuing like this, better times will come, and all this will have made sense, and i will finally be able to feel okay.
or as i would like to

for me, for Satan, for the Gods, and for humanity

 

[8813]

Im a late blommer also and i experience most of the things u Say, u cannot compare yourselfs to others its gonna be always a losing game, compare yourself to who you was yesterday and like That u can grow.

 

[LaTe bLoOmErX]

compare yourself to who you was yesterday and like That u can grow.

true, thank you