citrus
New member
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2025
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Hello fellow people, dear brothers and sisters,
upon opening this thread I'd like to introduce myself including the very basic information about myself. I also might like to point out that my native language isn't english. So if there's any miss spelling or the context is a bit confusing or all over the place pardon me.
Why am I opening a thread?
Since my childhood my mother often visited the evangelic christian Church in the small town I've been living and spending most of my life. She always took me with her because I couldn't stay at home all alone. So I didn't know who Satan was or the term ,,devil" particularly, but I felt a bond between us and I called upon him to save me, I don't really know why I've done that.
I) I noticed I've, like if you're closing your eyes, a lot of white dots, looking kind of like white glowing stars, that were shining. I'm assuming that Beelzebub has been with me since I was a child. Nothing really happened the next years, just like forced visualizing, images appearing before my eyes, nothing meaningful, but it's kinda a treat I have, I'm always like daydreaming if I get a story told or I think in pictures. I noticed like a gradient looking grey to change color. So my thought is that Asmodeus might've joined him around when I was the age of seven.
Sometimes I pressed my eyes and I saw like green colors, gold colors, blue colors, looking like some pattern and at the end of when all of it was ,,released" like thunder looking lines and two red circles. My thoughts on this: Lucifer might've been with them all along, because I think Asmodeus is a master of stealth and can hide energy. Together with other gods like buer, for the blue and Set might be the red color? That's the first question unanswered. I also remember me having a lot of visualising, having like fantasies where I was some kind of angel, all mighty and flying around places. Also seeing a sword with a red kind of reptilian eye with kind of red veins in it with a bit further above the handle, it was bone looking like and steamy/milky.
II) Later when I was about ten years old I've discovered the home page of Joy of Satan, randomly. But I haven't really read it, I just went trough the pictures a little but there wasn't really much back then. I immediately tried to form my fingers like shown on the pictures and meditate but I stopped because I felt kind of embarrassing. I remember seeing like windy lines that were connected looking kinda grey but I could say also blue and green were behind it. It was almost like they're webbing around my auric field or something like that to grow in numbers. Or stick more of these orbs or stars to me.
III) As I was fourteen I actually came back and I found those group chats on a messenger, that are still there but inactive. Most people have left by now. I tried starting with meditation by that time and I was seeing statues of buddha that were mostly cyan looking greyish. Maybe a hint to not join spiritual satanism. I don't really know. But I think at this age a goddess called Hecate joined, but I can't really proof that nor I do have evidence. I dreamed about a Greek looking like black shade with a towel and spear, a shade with long Horns looking like he's wearing a robe. I felt sort of bloody red I don't know how to explain it, really drained all the years, even after I dedicated. As I performed the rite I didn't felt like anything changed. I think I've seen Asmodeus actually lurking out the ,, wheel" that was currently invisible. And some sort of grey orbs looking like red-blueish eyes sometimes, I was really afraid of the dark as a kid. I noticed frequencies I wasn't hearing before I think it belonged to Beelzebub. The dreams were like as if my eyes were opened while I was sleeping, seeing my room as in real life.
IV) The years passed. I was a young adult, doing meditations. I haven't really met a God yet by this time. My only interest was to actually open my third eye somehow and meet them, see them, I haven't had much fluoride, since tap water in germany doesn't contains any, I haven't brushed my teeth to kinda get better results, honestly I didn't care much. The imagination of having an open third eye was like I would see them as real persons, beautiful, with wings. I imagined how spiritual welfare would be since it was a hot topic back in the days, I always thought you fly around, astral projecting, have swords, and so on. I didn't even know about the physical possibilities of this war that was apparently going on, like I've read mostly that spiritual satanists were sent to afghanistan to actually die and stuff like that. So by this time I didn't really know I was seeing something and I completely was completely fading all of this orb stuff out, not even noticing it. If I'd meditate I had this indigo/bluish looking color and was waving around, pressure on my forehead, really normal generic symptoms of a third eye opening, sometimes lightning bolts.
V) I basically didn't meditate anymore past 20, I started smoking cannabis, lifting me kind of up and I was feeling less drained, actually was looking forward to actually do skin care, actually got better at hygiene and stuff you know, thinking about a relationship, so I had/have a pretty average degree, went to a business class but didn't complete the course, I graduated 2017, 2017-2019 I was just wasting time basically, I was ditching the class often because if people actually would come up to me and try to socialize I would start crying and it was really tough after all I never had spoken to my parents or anyone else I just needed something to hold onto, all of this spiritual stuff and beliefs kind of gave me refugee, something to believe in. To sum it up I was a loner all my life, also a mute. I haven't had any much friends online as well. I thought if only I had a partner I'd open up etc. A lot of spiritual healing happened this 2-3 years to me, basically healing on my own. My brother hanged himself as I was sixteen, and my grandparents passed a bit later past 2020.
VI) I was working here and there, mostly in warehouses, local stores, you know, and I had that one job, I really liked. Suddenly I've seen colors I've seen before while meditating. Hearing voices, getting insane, but I kept going and ignored that and I actually was feeling drained to death again as if I'm running out of air and I was very light headed but I still continued to work. People were saying stuff related to me and kind of looking at me and I was feeling watched. Suddenly in the sky a grey kind of flickering appeared and I didn't know what to do, I thought it was the jewish God attacking me somehow and I tried to seek out for help, meditating on sigils etc. looking for a group online, I don't know looking back at this I really feel like a coward, even though I was actually trying to do something against it like I visualised actually four shields, a bubble strengthen it with falling feathers like kinda feeding the bubble, doing cleansing alot, you know all of this didn't help me at all, basically just voiding a lot. My head was mostly burning inside out. I was trying to visualise sigils I know pretty well from memory like beelzebubs satans or astaroths.. Every day was feeling like torture. Actually a friend of mine wanted me to go to a Halloween party with him, I knew him from the kindergarden but we weren't doing much so, I had mixed feelings. But I accepted it and went to this event thing and the first five minutes, it was raining, I actually fell into the mud, my pants full of it, but it didn't really matter nor I would get laughter or anything else. Well, I kinda felt lost and was hanging out alone in the town, buying me some cigs, later that evening some people gathered and were like yo don't you wanna hang out and stuff and offered me smoking cannabis for free. Unfortunately pictures of that biblical Lucifer looking thing came up before my eyes and he was in a guillotine and idk, I think Lucifer actually saw that, because Joy of Satan flashed up as well. The next two weeks I had like heart rhythm problems, pain in my chest, like a needle-like feeling, I couldn't sleep for like 4 days straight. I was experiencing a lot visuals. My mom prayed for me every day so it kinda continued like this, seeing kind of images since then, moving shades, Sillouttes of angels, white, blue surroundings. This really hit me hard and I noticed to time to time that Lucifer actually somehow came into my life, seeing him, texting me with big looking signs, all of this might've been just them! Maybe testing me.. Satan also broke my solar plexus chakrax threw a spear of like 4 meter distance on it, something felt breaking. I don't know.
VII) the worst part is I've all this memories coming up, like since my soul had been on earth, mostly the same events occurring like going to a psychatric ward, all of my lives were the same, me having the same body, but everytime things would be different. I remember Egyptian gods being around, actually some enemy angels, things being tested on me, like a staff, something like glass that originally anubis invented I believe. The invention of this so called wheel I mentioned, I believe who was Thoth along with other gods, in my body, around me. I'd have a great line in general and a big pentagram and around 5 ,,inverts", even could be able to breathe nitrogen. Lucifer's line that we called earthy works for example, chalk, Azazel's/ Astaroth's mirror, and so on. Even Ashtar was here this life again, beside all the pagan gods, even angels showed up again. Lucifer said he'd like to talk after this life's over, I'd understand this more clear ,,here". And that he doesn't want me to be able to astral project and all of these things.
I noticed my eye has a weird pattern.
It's looking like 3 lines, 5 dots, if connected would be a pagan looking pentagram like upwards, and a few more lines.
Am I a clone of someone? Of my earlier self that might have died? I heard like three stories that might have been happened to me.
If I cough I also get my screen, my sight full of stars and I kinda experience a pull and something centered where my heart chakra should be? Artifical heart chakra?
What are your thoughts on this?
Were the gods always by my side just watching me suffer?
Do you guys have similar experiences?
Do you guys have a line, a pentagram? Spiritual inventions you'd be able to use in the after life?
I'd like to know what you guys can tell me to do. I'm actually clueless, because nobody really talks to me.
Citrus
upon opening this thread I'd like to introduce myself including the very basic information about myself. I also might like to point out that my native language isn't english. So if there's any miss spelling or the context is a bit confusing or all over the place pardon me.
Why am I opening a thread?
Since my childhood my mother often visited the evangelic christian Church in the small town I've been living and spending most of my life. She always took me with her because I couldn't stay at home all alone. So I didn't know who Satan was or the term ,,devil" particularly, but I felt a bond between us and I called upon him to save me, I don't really know why I've done that.
I) I noticed I've, like if you're closing your eyes, a lot of white dots, looking kind of like white glowing stars, that were shining. I'm assuming that Beelzebub has been with me since I was a child. Nothing really happened the next years, just like forced visualizing, images appearing before my eyes, nothing meaningful, but it's kinda a treat I have, I'm always like daydreaming if I get a story told or I think in pictures. I noticed like a gradient looking grey to change color. So my thought is that Asmodeus might've joined him around when I was the age of seven.
Sometimes I pressed my eyes and I saw like green colors, gold colors, blue colors, looking like some pattern and at the end of when all of it was ,,released" like thunder looking lines and two red circles. My thoughts on this: Lucifer might've been with them all along, because I think Asmodeus is a master of stealth and can hide energy. Together with other gods like buer, for the blue and Set might be the red color? That's the first question unanswered. I also remember me having a lot of visualising, having like fantasies where I was some kind of angel, all mighty and flying around places. Also seeing a sword with a red kind of reptilian eye with kind of red veins in it with a bit further above the handle, it was bone looking like and steamy/milky.
II) Later when I was about ten years old I've discovered the home page of Joy of Satan, randomly. But I haven't really read it, I just went trough the pictures a little but there wasn't really much back then. I immediately tried to form my fingers like shown on the pictures and meditate but I stopped because I felt kind of embarrassing. I remember seeing like windy lines that were connected looking kinda grey but I could say also blue and green were behind it. It was almost like they're webbing around my auric field or something like that to grow in numbers. Or stick more of these orbs or stars to me.
III) As I was fourteen I actually came back and I found those group chats on a messenger, that are still there but inactive. Most people have left by now. I tried starting with meditation by that time and I was seeing statues of buddha that were mostly cyan looking greyish. Maybe a hint to not join spiritual satanism. I don't really know. But I think at this age a goddess called Hecate joined, but I can't really proof that nor I do have evidence. I dreamed about a Greek looking like black shade with a towel and spear, a shade with long Horns looking like he's wearing a robe. I felt sort of bloody red I don't know how to explain it, really drained all the years, even after I dedicated. As I performed the rite I didn't felt like anything changed. I think I've seen Asmodeus actually lurking out the ,, wheel" that was currently invisible. And some sort of grey orbs looking like red-blueish eyes sometimes, I was really afraid of the dark as a kid. I noticed frequencies I wasn't hearing before I think it belonged to Beelzebub. The dreams were like as if my eyes were opened while I was sleeping, seeing my room as in real life.
IV) The years passed. I was a young adult, doing meditations. I haven't really met a God yet by this time. My only interest was to actually open my third eye somehow and meet them, see them, I haven't had much fluoride, since tap water in germany doesn't contains any, I haven't brushed my teeth to kinda get better results, honestly I didn't care much. The imagination of having an open third eye was like I would see them as real persons, beautiful, with wings. I imagined how spiritual welfare would be since it was a hot topic back in the days, I always thought you fly around, astral projecting, have swords, and so on. I didn't even know about the physical possibilities of this war that was apparently going on, like I've read mostly that spiritual satanists were sent to afghanistan to actually die and stuff like that. So by this time I didn't really know I was seeing something and I completely was completely fading all of this orb stuff out, not even noticing it. If I'd meditate I had this indigo/bluish looking color and was waving around, pressure on my forehead, really normal generic symptoms of a third eye opening, sometimes lightning bolts.
V) I basically didn't meditate anymore past 20, I started smoking cannabis, lifting me kind of up and I was feeling less drained, actually was looking forward to actually do skin care, actually got better at hygiene and stuff you know, thinking about a relationship, so I had/have a pretty average degree, went to a business class but didn't complete the course, I graduated 2017, 2017-2019 I was just wasting time basically, I was ditching the class often because if people actually would come up to me and try to socialize I would start crying and it was really tough after all I never had spoken to my parents or anyone else I just needed something to hold onto, all of this spiritual stuff and beliefs kind of gave me refugee, something to believe in. To sum it up I was a loner all my life, also a mute. I haven't had any much friends online as well. I thought if only I had a partner I'd open up etc. A lot of spiritual healing happened this 2-3 years to me, basically healing on my own. My brother hanged himself as I was sixteen, and my grandparents passed a bit later past 2020.
VI) I was working here and there, mostly in warehouses, local stores, you know, and I had that one job, I really liked. Suddenly I've seen colors I've seen before while meditating. Hearing voices, getting insane, but I kept going and ignored that and I actually was feeling drained to death again as if I'm running out of air and I was very light headed but I still continued to work. People were saying stuff related to me and kind of looking at me and I was feeling watched. Suddenly in the sky a grey kind of flickering appeared and I didn't know what to do, I thought it was the jewish God attacking me somehow and I tried to seek out for help, meditating on sigils etc. looking for a group online, I don't know looking back at this I really feel like a coward, even though I was actually trying to do something against it like I visualised actually four shields, a bubble strengthen it with falling feathers like kinda feeding the bubble, doing cleansing alot, you know all of this didn't help me at all, basically just voiding a lot. My head was mostly burning inside out. I was trying to visualise sigils I know pretty well from memory like beelzebubs satans or astaroths.. Every day was feeling like torture. Actually a friend of mine wanted me to go to a Halloween party with him, I knew him from the kindergarden but we weren't doing much so, I had mixed feelings. But I accepted it and went to this event thing and the first five minutes, it was raining, I actually fell into the mud, my pants full of it, but it didn't really matter nor I would get laughter or anything else. Well, I kinda felt lost and was hanging out alone in the town, buying me some cigs, later that evening some people gathered and were like yo don't you wanna hang out and stuff and offered me smoking cannabis for free. Unfortunately pictures of that biblical Lucifer looking thing came up before my eyes and he was in a guillotine and idk, I think Lucifer actually saw that, because Joy of Satan flashed up as well. The next two weeks I had like heart rhythm problems, pain in my chest, like a needle-like feeling, I couldn't sleep for like 4 days straight. I was experiencing a lot visuals. My mom prayed for me every day so it kinda continued like this, seeing kind of images since then, moving shades, Sillouttes of angels, white, blue surroundings. This really hit me hard and I noticed to time to time that Lucifer actually somehow came into my life, seeing him, texting me with big looking signs, all of this might've been just them! Maybe testing me.. Satan also broke my solar plexus chakrax threw a spear of like 4 meter distance on it, something felt breaking. I don't know.
VII) the worst part is I've all this memories coming up, like since my soul had been on earth, mostly the same events occurring like going to a psychatric ward, all of my lives were the same, me having the same body, but everytime things would be different. I remember Egyptian gods being around, actually some enemy angels, things being tested on me, like a staff, something like glass that originally anubis invented I believe. The invention of this so called wheel I mentioned, I believe who was Thoth along with other gods, in my body, around me. I'd have a great line in general and a big pentagram and around 5 ,,inverts", even could be able to breathe nitrogen. Lucifer's line that we called earthy works for example, chalk, Azazel's/ Astaroth's mirror, and so on. Even Ashtar was here this life again, beside all the pagan gods, even angels showed up again. Lucifer said he'd like to talk after this life's over, I'd understand this more clear ,,here". And that he doesn't want me to be able to astral project and all of these things.
I noticed my eye has a weird pattern.
It's looking like 3 lines, 5 dots, if connected would be a pagan looking pentagram like upwards, and a few more lines.
Am I a clone of someone? Of my earlier self that might have died? I heard like three stories that might have been happened to me.
If I cough I also get my screen, my sight full of stars and I kinda experience a pull and something centered where my heart chakra should be? Artifical heart chakra?
What are your thoughts on this?
Were the gods always by my side just watching me suffer?
Do you guys have similar experiences?
Do you guys have a line, a pentagram? Spiritual inventions you'd be able to use in the after life?
I'd like to know what you guys can tell me to do. I'm actually clueless, because nobody really talks to me.
Citrus
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