Newcomer to spiritual Satanism, feeling like I'm in the middle of th

[Matthew Tarbox]

Ever since I was young, I was dragged to church every goddamn Sunday. Even Wednesdays. No matter how often I listened to them preach and graze through any page in the Bible, I always managed to think around it and was very slow to believe much. I felt that my high level of consciousness and truth awareness, seeming like I have an unnaturally high level of common sense, and somehow just knowing things without logical explanation, led me to once a "born again" church goer, to turn into something the complete opposite. My hate and strife against God, his son, and his book is as powerful as my tricked love for him was at one time. Before I finally yielded to my inner thoughts and voices that were always speaking to me. Making so much complete sense. Of course, as a God follower, I was scared of my own shadow, the dark, horror movies, and ghosts. Now, I can't get enough of it all. I welcome all demon spirits that unexpectedly visit me, and I soak up any energy of the left hand path that I can find and acquire.

Here's what the problem is,

 I started getting into the occult, and "secretive" things that Christianity would go against completely.. Still living with my parents, in a Christian household, with the putrid sounds of words of lies and worship songs from the TV constantly being heard, condemning me for my natural ways, I quickly indulged in Satanism. As I progressed, I noticed my life was changing for the better. I was no longer depressed, I no longer had horrible headaches each day from scrambling horror and images inside my mind that only felt to come from the Holy Spirit. I can think more clearly, make better decisions, recognize who, and who isn't my friend, and my psychic abilities have improved greatly. And I have overall just felt at complete peace with myself, and the world around me. I remember when I was a young boy, I sat down with my grandmother, and only her have I told, that I can sometimes hear another's thoughts and read there feelings, often times just by a person walking past me, I can feel a wave of energy that is like a smell that sticks to you, and I know exactly how that person is feeling. At the time, I thought it was a heavenly gift, I was told that I was possessed demonically, that only evil can trigger that kind of power and talent. If possessed I am, so be it.

I read of the Ministries page of some frequently asked questions regarding selling your soul, or dedicating your soul to Satan.

In the beginning, the first demon I summoned (prematurely, as were all my rituals at this time) was Asmodeus. Who I recognized as my "guardian" demon due to certain characteristics and "temptations" that I've always had. At the time, this was a test ritual, to see if it was all real. In my bedroom, with a red candle, on a drawn sigil of Asmodeus, I asked him to tempt me and fill my mind and heart with the said lusts for two days. For two days exactly, I could not perform correctly at work, I couldn't get my mind off of "things" It wasn't more of a bother to me, but a satisfying indulgence followed by compulsion to protect myself. So much that I could not bare it all. My first ritual, also premature, was a pointless, go in my back yard and draw a pentagram in the grass with gasoline and light it on fire saying only a few words like "Hail Satan, the one and only King of the earth" And then leaving, feeling like I had a thousand leaches attached to my body tingling all over my skin as I climbed into bed. Receiving constant chills and frights of "What the fuck did I just do?!" And of course the feeling of something watching me while I slept. Eventually afterwords I was obligated against my will to go to church again, and still associating with "born again Christians" and trying to ask God for forgiveness for doing such a blasphemous thing, I still felt that God has never helped me before, why would he now? So of course I went back into a minor depressioen stage of confusion where I felt that there were the two forces of light and darkness fighting over me. First I recognized Satan as my Father, or God, etc. And then cursed Satan out of my life by saying a few things against him at a tree that I resort to to think and to preform plain words short-rituals, but scraping off an inverted, goat headed, 666, pentagram from the tree that I had carved and then carving Jesus with a cross in its place underneath. As well as removing anything that reminded me of Satan. This was when my knowledge was still weak and easy to fool. Later, I learned more truth about Satan and the lies of Christianity that made me regret what I did. Leaving Satan in the first place. However, when I did, I felt an extreme pain of sadness and hopelessness, knowing that I wouldn't actually go back to Jesus, even though I said the words, "In the name of Jesus, I rebuke you, and your rain of terror over my life is over!" In my heart I was still drawn in by His spirit that I so loved to open myself up to. My whole life of feeling torture, was from the disgusting and vile judgment of the Holy Spirit.

As I write this, I have been (unofficially, not yet by ritually performed) dedicated to Satan and I have since recently done a ritual/prayer asking forgiveness for ever turning my back on Him since I was so naive at the time. But... I haven't felt His touch like I did when I was first with him... Since my first rituals and relationship with Satan I have been studying atheistic Satanism by reading the Satanic Bible... Which, is the only study tool at my disposal that I could think of at the time. But I am still convinced, and always will be, that spirits are real, and the forces they conjure are real. As my feelings towards the religion of Christianity that I was raised in has grown even more stronger in revolt and anger because of the torment it has caused me throughout my teenage life, I still feel like a complete ass for turning my back on Satan like that... Is this normal? Has he left me or, shouldn't he understand why I may have done it in the first place? It could be my own feelings of self deceit. I do talk with Satan often, and depending of the circumstance of conversation, topic, or desire, I can feel a working. Maybe I just need to forgive myself. I also would somehow like to get more information about what the afterlife will be like. I already know I won't be spending eternity in some perfect "heaven" with all the hypocrites... IF there is such a place. because not knowing is frightening, as with anything.

Thank you for reading. Any comments and suggestions strongly appreciated.

(To my knowledge this was already posted yesterday, but I couldn't find it in the feed, so I am posting it twice and final. Apologies.)

 

[masterkoper]

Well that took me a while to read  I think you need to make sure that you have your beliefs sorted before trying to go back to Satanism because if you have mixed feelings most of the time thing will not work for you because the doubt will keep you back. I would say try (i know it is hard i had similar thing thankfully not with religion) to choose one and forget about the other it may take some time but once you will be fully one sided rather that iffy then things should star working out for you again.
Regarding death afterlife etc please read this page it should answer the question :
http://www.exposingcommunism.com/Hell.htm


I hope i helped. Hail to Father Satan and All the Gods

 

[Sandra Waldron]

To say the least, you were very mixed up and unsure of what you wanted to do. Also, if your heart is truly sincere in wanting to come back to Father Satan, He might take you back. Not sure about this. A lot depends on your sincerity and conviction. You can't just bounce back and forth.


As far as the leaches, etc. I can tell you from experience that your body did not have the energy to tolerate demons. However, you must have had some around you. I know. I learned the hard way too. One has to raise their own bio electricity in order to withstand the much higher energies of the demons. They were probably there to help you, and were probably trying to communicate with you, but your chakras weren't sufficiently open to hear them.


Now, I will leave it to others who know more than I do to give you some advice. However, that is about all I can tell you at the present moment. But if you are truly sincere, you need -- if you haven't already -- to dedicate your soul to Father Satan before you do anything else. He will then give you a guardian demon.


Hail Father Satan! Hail Anubis! Hail Isis!
--------------------------------------------

On Sun, 5/18/14, Matthew Tarbox matthew_tarbox@... [JoyofSatan666] <[url=mailto:[email protected]][email protected][/url] wrote:


Subject: [JoyofSatan666] Newcomer to spiritual Satanism, feeling like I'm in the middle of the tight rope of Tug of War
To: [url=mailto:[email protected]][email protected][/url]
Date: Sunday, May 18, 2014, 3:24 PM
















 









Ever since I was
young, I was dragged to church every goddamn Sunday. Even
Wednesdays. No matter how often I listened to them preach
and graze through any page in the Bible, I always managed to
think around it and was very slow to believe much. I felt
that my high level of consciousness and truth awareness,
seeming like I have an unnaturally high level of common
sense, and somehow just knowing things without logical
explanation, led me to once a "born again" church
goer, to turn into something the complete opposite. My hate
and strife against God, his son, and his
book is as powerful as my tricked love for him was at one
time. Before I finally yielded to my inner thoughts and
voices that were always speaking to me. Making so much
complete sense. Of course, as a God follower, I was scared
of my own shadow, the dark, horror movies, and ghosts. Now,
I can't get enough of it all. I welcome all demon
spirits that unexpectedly visit me, and I soak up any energy
of the left hand path that I can find and acquire.

Here's what the problem is,

 I started getting into the occult, and
"secretive" things that Christianity would go
against completely.. Still living with my parents, in a
Christian household, with the putrid sounds of words of lies
and worship songs from the TV constantly being heard,
condemning me for my natural ways, I quickly indulged in
Satanism. As I progressed, I noticed my life was changing
for the better. I was no longer
depressed, I no longer had horrible headaches each day from
scrambling horror and images inside my mind that only felt
to come from the Holy Spirit. I can think more clearly, make
better decisions, recognize who, and who isn't my
friend, and my psychic abilities have improved greatly. And
I have overall just felt at complete peace with myself, and
the world around me. I remember when I was a young boy, I
sat down with my grandmother, and only her have I told, that
I can sometimes hear another's thoughts and read there
feelings, often times just by a person walking past me, I
can feel a wave of energy that is like a smell that sticks
to you, and I know exactly how that person is feeling. At
the time, I thought it was a heavenly gift, I was told that
I was possessed demonically, that only evil can trigger that
kind of power and talent. If possessed I am, so be it.

I read of the Ministries page of some
frequently
asked questions regarding selling your soul, or dedicating
your soul to Satan.

In the beginning, the
first demon I summoned (prematurely, as were all my rituals
at this time) was Asmodeus. Who I recognized as my
"guardian" demon due to certain characteristics
and "temptations" that I've always had. At the
time, this was a test ritual, to see if it was all real. In
my bedroom, with a red candle, on a drawn sigil of Asmodeus,
I asked him to tempt me and fill my mind and heart with the
said lusts for two days. For two days exactly, I could not
perform correctly at work, I couldn't get my mind off of
"things" It wasn't more of a bother to me, but
a satisfying indulgence followed by compulsion to protect
myself. So much that I could not bare it all. My first
ritual, also premature, was a pointless, go in my back yard
and draw a pentagram in the grass with gasoline and light it
on fire saying only a few words like
"Hail Satan, the one and only King of the earth"
And then leaving, feeling like I had a thousand leaches
attached to my body tingling all over my skin as I climbed
into bed. Receiving constant chills and frights of
"What the fuck did I just do?!" And of course the
feeling of something watching me while I slept. Eventually
afterwords I was obligated against my will to go to church
again, and still associating with "born again
Christians" and trying to ask God for forgiveness for
doing such a blasphemous thing, I still felt that God has
never helped me before, why would he now? So of course I
went back into a minor depressioen stage of confusion where
I felt that there were the two forces of light and darkness
fighting over me. First I recognized Satan as my Father, or
God, etc. And then cursed Satan out of my life by saying a
few things against him at a tree that I resort to to think
and to preform plain words short-rituals, but scraping off
an inverted,
goat headed, 666, pentagram from the tree that I had carved
and then carving Jesus with a cross in its place underneath.
As well as removing anything that reminded me of Satan. This
was when my knowledge was still weak and easy to fool.
Later, I learned more truth about Satan and the lies of
Christianity that made me regret what I did. Leaving Satan
in the first place. However, when I did, I felt an extreme
pain of sadness and hopelessness, knowing that I
wouldn't actually go back to Jesus, even though I said
the words, "In the name of Jesus, I rebuke you, and
your rain of terror over my life is over!" In my heart
I was still drawn in by His spirit that I so loved to open
myself up to. My whole life of feeling torture, was from the
disgusting and vile judgment of the Holy Spirit.

As I write this, I have been (unofficially,
not yet by ritually performed) dedicated to Satan and I have
since recently done a
ritual/prayer asking forgiveness for ever turning my back
on Him since I was so naive at the time. But... I
haven't felt His touch like I did when I was first with
him... Since my first rituals and relationship with Satan I
have been studying atheistic Satanism by reading the Satanic
Bible... Which, is the only study tool at my disposal that I
could think of at the time. But I am still convinced, and
always will be, that spirits are real, and the forces they
conjure are real. As my feelings towards the religion of
Christianity that I was raised in has grown even more
stronger in revolt and anger because of the torment it has
caused me throughout my teenage life, I still feel like a
complete ass for turning my back on Satan like that... Is
this normal? Has he left me or, shouldn't he understand
why I may have done it in the first place? It could be my
own feelings of self deceit. I do talk with Satan often, and
depending of the circumstance of
conversation, topic, or desire, I can feel a working. Maybe
I just need to forgive myself. I also would somehow like to
get more information about what the afterlife will be like.
I already know I won't be spending eternity in some
perfect "heaven" with all the hypocrites... IF
there is such a place. because not knowing is frightening,
as with anything.

Thank you for reading. Any comments and suggestions strongly
appreciated.

(To my knowledge this was already posted yesterday, but I
couldn't find it in the feed, so I am posting it twice
and final. Apologies.)

 

[grell.thereaper]

Wow.. You have a way of writing.
As the previous person posted, you have a link to where you can read about the afterlife. And from what I've learned/read in both the website and experiences from people in this group, Father Enki knows everything about us. He knows what we think and what we will do before time. He must have known you were going to leave, he knows its hard to make such a big change. (From what I know) He understands, and I am sure he welcomes you into his embrace once more.
But please remember, Father is very busy...but he listens.

 

[Ass Hole]

If I read your long story correctly, I don't remember reading that you ever dedicated. You have it in mind, you are so convinced you belong to Satan, but you really need to dedicate or did you do it in ur astral temple? I doubt. Do you know the importance attached to dedication? You are serious you want to return, you want to feel Father again as you used to, yet dedicating is hard for you? If you were Satan and I had a good relationship with you which must have been pretty important to me cos it seems to me you're somewhat important to Father which must have come from past lives (permit me to say our story is not very different from mine except that I won't dabble); and I leave, no more connection, and maybe you still check on me every day to see if I'm going to rethink and come back, then I actually do come back, but I'm so scared I'm watching every move I now make as if I no longer trust you. Have you ever had friends? Satan has feelings, emotions, just like you and I or even more than us. You can't just have it in your mind that you're His, and you are still unwilling to do a small dedication ritual which you will gain more from. If anybody else needs the ritual you need it more cos you'd before broken Father's heart by attempting to wipe His memories in your life away. Have you ever felt rejected? Has anyone ever gone cold on you? I understand that maybe you were a kid then, are you still a kid now? Like Grell said, Maybe He knew you were going to leave, act like an adult now and do things right as they're supposed to be. And one more thing, maybe what happened to you happened cause you weren't dedicated, you opened up to the astral without dedicating, have you studied JoS? Did you see what happens to undedicated people? Satanism is not xtianity where you're coming from, things are very spiritual and serious here, you don't become an SS like you become an xtian, you don't decide in your heart and maybe say a couple of words and its done, NO, you take action.

On May 24, 2014 5:33 PM, stripsilly1989@... wrote:

If I read your long story correctly, I don't remember reading that you ever dedicated. You have it in mind, you are so convinced you belong to Satan, but you really need to dedicate or did you do it in ur astral temple? I doubt. Do you know the importance attached to dedication? You are serious you want to return, you want to feel Father again as you used to, yet dedicating is hard for you? If you were Satan and I had a good relationship with you which must have been pretty important to me cos it seems to me you're somewhat important to Father which must have come from past lives (permit me to say our story is not very different from mine except that I won't dabble); and I leave, no more connection, and maybe you still check on me every day to see if I'm going to rethink and come back, then I actually do come back, but I'm so scared I'm watching every move I now make as if I no longer trust you. Have you ever had friends? Satan has feelings, emotions, just like you and I or even more than us. You can't just have it in your mind that you're His, and you are still unwilling to do a small dedication ritual which you will gain more from. If anybody else needs the ritual you need it more cos you'd before broken Father's heart by attempting to wipe His memories in your life away. Have you ever felt rejected? Has anyone ever gone cold on you? I understand that maybe you were a kid then, are you still a kid now? Like Grell said, Maybe He knew you were going to leave, act like an adult now and do things right as they're supposed to be. And one more thing, maybe what happened to you happened cause you weren't dedicated, you opened up to the astral without dedicating, have you studied JoS? Did you see what happens to undedicated people? Satanism is not xtianity where you're coming from, things are very spiritual and serious here, you don't become an SS like you become an xtian, you don't decide in your heart and maybe say a couple of words and its done, NO, you take action. On May 23, 2014 5:22 PM, "grell.thereaper@... [JoyofSatan666]" <[url=mailto:[email protected]][email protected][/url] wrote:

  Wow.. You have a way of writing.
As the previous person posted, you have a link to where you can read about the afterlife. And from what I've learned/read in both the website and experiences from people in this group, Father Enki knows everything about us. He knows what we think and what we will do before time. He must have known you were going to leave, he knows its hard to make such a big change. (From what I know) He understands, and I am sure he welcomes you into his embrace once more.
But please remember, Father is very busy...but he listens.