kidnap_ped
New member
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2011
- Messages
- 13
hi whoever reads this.
my name is mari.i`m a girl.i`m 14.i`m not american.4 month ago i arrived to america(my family won a green card). i started like this just so you know.
so.i was raised in christian family,that always believed in god and all that stuff.my mom and dad are not that much in religion though if i tell them "mom i dont believe in god,she will freak out"...
maybe 1 year ago i really started thinkin about "wait,why the f*** is everyone around me so crazy about that goddy stuff." my friends are crazy about that stupidness.they go to church and pray and lit candles and ask god to forgive them their f***in sins.ha ha ha.dont believe in that.the town and the house where i lived was always surrounded by churches and every time i would look out of my window i would see and hear bunch of churches ringin their bells.it never really mattered to me.i dont believe in god.i asked him not to hurt me once..he never heard me..
WHY do ppl believe that Satan is really bad?well thats what christians believe in..so if i dont believe that stupideness then i dont believe Satan is evil or whatever they say.(simple logic)...
but here is the case...i dont believe in Satan too..or i do?
i`m lost...
i want to find someone to believe in...i want to believe in him.can anyone persuade me...i want to..but how?
i`m not stupid girl for my 14 years..i know 4 languages,i read books in 3 languages.i learned english by myself,i can make an effort and do everything i want.if i have a goal in my life there is nothing ever that can stop me. "the exception proves the rule" is my life`s method.i`m individualist.i`m the one who never ever will deal with unfairness.
and yeah..i love music..music is my life...1 year ago i started to explore rock music..of cource i stared from "lighter" music..but then i went to metal..and yeah..is the metal music connected somehow to Satan..or they just use his name?
once i asked for a boy who would be a gift for me..and there was one..the one who kissed me first time in my life...but then he just vanished..i asked for a friend..and she came..but she gets so much on my nerves i dont want to have a friend..i became so much locked up in myself..as if i was a turtle "inside my shell i wait and bleed.."
i`m alone..and i feel perfect...locked up in music and books...and i feel fine.though when i see someone having fun i`m like "they are so happy"..
every time someone comes to and says hi and starts talking with me and i notice they wanna be my friend..i think to myself "yeah..you wanna be my friend,but are you sure u will understand me..you will never know me...you will hurt me..better go away.." and i reject ppl and this way i reject pain.i cant stand it anymore.they hurt me too many times.
i`m so much locked up..i`m afraid of ppl...i`m afraid of havin relationship with any boy,coz they will hurt me again..like they did it 100 times.every time i trust a boy they appear to hurt me..coz they dont understand..do not understand whats inside...
i write poems.and cut my hands...and there is one theory in my life.i invented it myself.if youre soul is hurt..then you can make the pain go away if you cause your body pain.i did it couple of times.when i cut my hands it hurts..i scream..pain comes it cover the pain of soul..and then pain goes away..and then there is nothing left...and you are like dead...there is nothing..no pain no happiness no love no hate.i tried to commit suicide but,if you think of it i dont want to ruin my life.i want to go oooooonnnn...i want to..i want to leave this bitch life and achieve something.i wanna be a great lawyer and have a life.if it needs a sacrifise i will.if it needs to be patient i will.
i dont want to love anymore.i want to hate.i want to learn how to hate.i want to pay back instead of "turning another cheek".i dont want to love,cuz i`ve loved enough.i hate my parents for giving birth to me.
please dont say i`m mad or ill or w/e.dont ask me to go to psychiatrist...i`m asking for help.i asked a shelter to a "god" but he rejected..thats why i dont believe in him.now i`m asking help again...(i really wanted to hide this thoughts and reveal them only to my diary.but i think its enough for me.i cannot stand it)
thx for the attention!!!!!!
my name is mari.i`m a girl.i`m 14.i`m not american.4 month ago i arrived to america(my family won a green card). i started like this just so you know.
so.i was raised in christian family,that always believed in god and all that stuff.my mom and dad are not that much in religion though if i tell them "mom i dont believe in god,she will freak out"...
maybe 1 year ago i really started thinkin about "wait,why the f*** is everyone around me so crazy about that goddy stuff." my friends are crazy about that stupidness.they go to church and pray and lit candles and ask god to forgive them their f***in sins.ha ha ha.dont believe in that.the town and the house where i lived was always surrounded by churches and every time i would look out of my window i would see and hear bunch of churches ringin their bells.it never really mattered to me.i dont believe in god.i asked him not to hurt me once..he never heard me..
WHY do ppl believe that Satan is really bad?well thats what christians believe in..so if i dont believe that stupideness then i dont believe Satan is evil or whatever they say.(simple logic)...
but here is the case...i dont believe in Satan too..or i do?
i`m lost...
i want to find someone to believe in...i want to believe in him.can anyone persuade me...i want to..but how?
i`m not stupid girl for my 14 years..i know 4 languages,i read books in 3 languages.i learned english by myself,i can make an effort and do everything i want.if i have a goal in my life there is nothing ever that can stop me. "the exception proves the rule" is my life`s method.i`m individualist.i`m the one who never ever will deal with unfairness.
and yeah..i love music..music is my life...1 year ago i started to explore rock music..of cource i stared from "lighter" music..but then i went to metal..and yeah..is the metal music connected somehow to Satan..or they just use his name?
once i asked for a boy who would be a gift for me..and there was one..the one who kissed me first time in my life...but then he just vanished..i asked for a friend..and she came..but she gets so much on my nerves i dont want to have a friend..i became so much locked up in myself..as if i was a turtle "inside my shell i wait and bleed.."
i`m alone..and i feel perfect...locked up in music and books...and i feel fine.though when i see someone having fun i`m like "they are so happy"..
every time someone comes to and says hi and starts talking with me and i notice they wanna be my friend..i think to myself "yeah..you wanna be my friend,but are you sure u will understand me..you will never know me...you will hurt me..better go away.." and i reject ppl and this way i reject pain.i cant stand it anymore.they hurt me too many times.
i`m so much locked up..i`m afraid of ppl...i`m afraid of havin relationship with any boy,coz they will hurt me again..like they did it 100 times.every time i trust a boy they appear to hurt me..coz they dont understand..do not understand whats inside...
i write poems.and cut my hands...and there is one theory in my life.i invented it myself.if youre soul is hurt..then you can make the pain go away if you cause your body pain.i did it couple of times.when i cut my hands it hurts..i scream..pain comes it cover the pain of soul..and then pain goes away..and then there is nothing left...and you are like dead...there is nothing..no pain no happiness no love no hate.i tried to commit suicide but,if you think of it i dont want to ruin my life.i want to go oooooonnnn...i want to..i want to leave this bitch life and achieve something.i wanna be a great lawyer and have a life.if it needs a sacrifise i will.if it needs to be patient i will.
i dont want to love anymore.i want to hate.i want to learn how to hate.i want to pay back instead of "turning another cheek".i dont want to love,cuz i`ve loved enough.i hate my parents for giving birth to me.
please dont say i`m mad or ill or w/e.dont ask me to go to psychiatrist...i`m asking for help.i asked a shelter to a "god" but he rejected..thats why i dont believe in him.now i`m asking help again...(i really wanted to hide this thoughts and reveal them only to my diary.but i think its enough for me.i cannot stand it)
thx for the attention!!!!!!