I enjoyed the song and you've potential as an MC.
Now time for some constructive criticism...
1. It really does have that mainstream,rap hip/hop vibe in my opinion.
2. My sincerest apologies, I enjoyed the "throw a fit/fist" chorus but it didn't need to drag on about 50 seconds long on both of the choruses
3. Practice, Practice, Practice...
- Internal and External Rhyme schemes (Check out Check out MF DOOM's That's That RHYMES HIGHLIGHTED: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpVnuD6qnHw for example.)
- Flow timing and shifting your flow while staying within the beat (About 2 times your flow went over the beat throwing the timing off) The beat should compliment your flow as much your flow compliments the beat. They are synonymous and as one.
- Your overall flow, sounded robotic most of the time as if you were simply reading off of what you wrote. There's nothing wrong with that, but I felt the delivery of the speech didn't compliment the beat as well as it could have.
- Learning freestyling, it will set you up for success, even if it's just mumbling the timing over and over and switching it up every now and then do it.
- MY BIGGEST PIECE OF ADVICE TO YOU:
Rap about something very personal, or your life around you. It doesn't have to be on a track but this will get you going. I myself have executed rhyme schemes more skillfully when I'm speaking about what's happening with me now.
- And always keep the viewer guessing.
4. Also, (and this is strictly opinionated) I think the artificial beat combined with the artificial voice filters throws off the entire ensemble. Most hip-hop has that artificial background music with a natural voice on top of it. You get that balance of natural and artificial and overall sounds great together. But with artificial and artificial it's like a song with only major chords and not a mix of minor, diminished, or flats, sharps and intervals. I understand entirely that you need to cover your voice for your safety but I'd recommend trying to have a natural beat over the artificial voice
If Hip-Hop is something that interests you, I recommend you try freestyling over instrumentals.
9th Wonder (Bladey Mae Mixtapes), MF DOOM's Special Herbs, Madlib, Necro, J Dilla, (I think Necro would be quite suiting for your delivery and overall flow though)
.
Check out Sharon's Fetus by Necro: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIBnL_CnpGg
Check out Florida by Kitty: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoA2yylUGWE
Check out None Shall Pass by Aesop Rock https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEBGCOCxLgA
Check out High by Freddie Gibbs (for examples of Flow Control, Timing, and Shifting) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDU1jJnkqp8
Check out The Standard by Psyche Origami: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9LBbsNBIbg (CHECK OUT ALL OF PSYCHE ORIGAMI)
If you need free beats to rap over, practice with, or mash up in your own mix here you go:
Richie Branson's Otaku Tools: http://richiebranson.com/2015/the-otakugang-movement/
Ghostly International: Music for Mix Makers: https://www.theghostlystore.com/collections/music-free
Lastly,
I understand you're starting out, I'm simply trying to aid you in the best way possible.
Don't give up
Your message is clear, concise, and clever now it's time to fine tune it