It's ok. This is not really whining, but an elaboration on your problems, which is the first step towards solving them.
The reason you feel like not living is because you have not enjoyed the fruits of life, therefore you view the labors of life as overly harsh, or without purpose, and further why your sobriety may not have seemed meaningful to you.
The yin elements of life, such as Venus, the Moon, Pisces, plus the joy of the Sun, and so on all make life worth living. In particular, the nourishment of a home and mother gives us the inner security and comfort to branch out into our careers and employ discipline elsewhere. This is why Cancer and Capricorn exist on the same "axis".
All of these problems you are referring to: wanting to be a child, wanting to go to sleep, wanting to be cared for, etc all fall under the rulership of the Moon and Cancer. This is not a coincidence.
You may falsely assume that life is only about hardship, but this is not true at all. Satan himself has told HPS Maxine the point of life is to increase happiness and prosperity, which is like the end result of hard work (Wunjo). Life is not to work and nothing else, but it may be hard for you to accept if you have been without the joy of life for so long.
Furthermore, you are over-estimating the difficulty of work. Energies like Nauthiz fully enable us to be disciplined and not fear our work or other challenges. It is a regulatory energy that you have to use and develop. The earth side of our soul is meant to be developed through spiritual means, just like all others.
So your short term goals should be to fully seek out the happiness and love that you are missing, and put this as the goal that you work on daily. Start workings with Wunjo and Berkano, or a Moon Square. Do the rituals of Astarte, for example. Furthermore, work with Nauthiz and the upcoming Mars in Capricorn, which are means for you to achieve your goals.
I would also advise you to seek out a counselor or therapist, which is the closest thing you can find to professional "Cancer" or motherly care, and it will help you develop your emotions, which are probably stunted from years without a mother.
Cast off the subconscious programming that life has nothing for you besides work and set your sights on finding your happiness again. You had said you wanted more happiness, therefore you should pursue this. It is not unachievable.
Charity and compassion are part of life, too, and this includes from us and from the Gods. You need to work to accept this, and your own post here was a good start at reaching out for the help you deserve. Please pursue this further and until its completion, which may take time, but it is not impossible.
This message has really helped me and I can't thank you enough for your unfettered compassion and articulate communication. None of us are truly ever alone here considering the state of our world. Even gong back to the declaration of the USA; this was rewritten to separate 'America' from 'The United States' via hyphenation, thereby giving the Rothschild's full power outside of the public mind. From the little that I know this comes from an ancient and form of legalese in which symbols and shapes are used within letters or in-between words to change their meaning or to separate them.
Sorry, getting off topic there. Reading your comments always inspires me to learn more and to be more. What a wealth of knowledge handed down to us from people of unimaginable resolve. Thinking on this has been helping me gain better perspective in my own life when it comes to feelings of inadequacy and the ever-so callous hand of fate. My traumas have made it hard to properly express myself (I'm actually 32 myself).
One event in particular was the sudden death of the person whom I loved most in this world. I then went off the rails to seek an escape, in my case through cannabis and subjectivity. The people in this crowd can appear happy and successful, yet this is much like riding a deluded state of joy/flow-state whilst not comprehending or rationalizing the damages it causes overtime, particularly in terms of our energy field. I've read here that energies cling to spaces in our aura formed by cannabis, which (due to it's psychedelic properties) opens us to our subconscious mind more intensely. I'm sure that this is unnatural to us as humans.
I suspect that older varieties could've been used 4,800 years ago in TCM, but I don't believe that they were smoked and inhaled. The way Native Americans use sweetgrass and the way other cultures use incense I think are better indicators of ways it may have been used, yet archaelogists assert that they found a 2.500-year-old pipe with hash residue in China. This being said it's hard not to call BS when archaeology is the single most corrupt and infiltrated field that I can think to possibly name.
Considering all the above it's no wonder that new-agers out there are promoting this stuff as though it's a sure-fire way to open their 6th senses and they seem to tie it with Egypt and our Gods which I really don't like. These people... the ones talking about greys being our friends and all that... (light workers?) I think these are the types that the general public view all 'conspiracy theorists', yet most who meet one would think them as a radiant, kind and effervescent; an admirable person. Still, I notice in such people great insecurity locked away, like they constantly question all that they are and do and unceasingly wonder how they can do better.
They also seem to feed on other's emotions, as though inducing catharsis in people gives them energy and makes them happy, perhaps in part to the belief that they helped someone (which, due to subjectivity, may or may not be the case). This brings to my mind the subject of 'psychic vampires' that Maxine had wrote about.
They are also skilled empaths and I can't help but think that all these different things are related and somehow rooted in the earth element. It's weird but since dedicating I've felt like I've been getting these brief and immediate gut-feelings about things which has been causing me to second guess myself at times.
It also looks to me that the negative impacts of marijuana use occur to people most noticably in their later life. They are likable yet they become forgetfull and hyper-sensitive to everything around them, often going crazy. This makes balancing life and achieving long-term positive outcomes an immense challenge.
I love how your messages frequently touch on planets, zodiac signs and runes. I feel so drawn to these things and as I learn I can't get over how real astrology is, like it's an exact science. It explains so well why I feel compelled by some individuals and repelled by others.
Venus, the Moon, Pisces, plus the joy of the Sun, and so on all make life worth living.
The above for example has so much profound meaning to me. Venus (Goddess of love, beauty, femininity), the Moon (emotion/intuition), Pisces (creativity/inspiration), Pisces (empathetic/emotional/creative) and the Sun (life force/masculine)... It seems like the sun and moon are very fundamental; a mother and father to all things.
What you also mentioned about Cancer and Capricorn taught me a lot; their shared axis and the relationship between mother and child. They go together very well in a dualistic sort-of way, completing each other with similar goals and values, plus both Cancer (water) and Capricorn (earth) are feminine.
Cancer - Positives: Emotional/Loyal/Nurturing/Mother
Negatives: Concern for loved ones above themselves.
Capricorn - Positives: Tenecious/Honest/Organized/Meticulous/Hard-Working/Bull-Headed
Negatives: Stubborn, most critical towards themselves.
I actually know a Capricorn and within all his skepticism his greatest fear is being proven wrong. He is very boastful yet insecure and can't sit with people for too long. He's still a successful and likeable person though. Lately I'm finding that the negative aspects of all our signs are very real and apparant in all our lives. We really can't have the good without the bad in anything.
Learning astrology looks overwhelming and scary at first but I think there's so much to be gained from it. As a Virgo I'm a a hyper-analytical and critical perfectionist who cannot tell a lie. I also tend to become self-engrossed and I forget about the emotions of people outside of myself. This is a hard thing because it's purely unintentional yet at times it comes across as me being self-centred.
Learning about my sign has really helped me understand and accept myself better. I'm seldom complacent and I always have to be busy doing something. I also have a hard time communicating my feelings to others. My life feels like a constant balancing act whilst most others are lazy and feign their own ignorance by way of their justifications (i.e excuses). Deprogramming these kinds of people is like giving a cat a bath. It pains me but I honestly think it's best not to try explaining what's true and false to family/loved ones and instead look only to meditation for answers. Their opinions regarding long-term health and what brings them joy vastly differ from my own.
Anyway, I'm sorry for writing this crazy-long message, talking for the sake of talking. I will need to take Lydia's topic on journaling to heart more so that I can better get my thoughts straight. :-/
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