Ive been freaking out for months about this and its become more a bother than a little worry in the back of my mind. I want to do the dedication ceremony but i just cant bring myself to draw blood. i freeze up possibly due to my fear of needles, cant find some candles and don't have a place to do the ceremony unless my boyfriend lets me do it in our room when hes away or something. He is supporting my choice of religion and if I ask he will leave me alone to meditate or do whatever I need to without interruption. Ive heard that you can use saliva instead of blood, but i feel like I'm cheating and cant bring myself to draw my own blood, so i don't deserve to be close to Satan. Ive also been reading the sermons about the whole ending of the Mayan calendar and that the people who want to join last minute are just trying to save themselves. I feel selfish for trying to "save myself" but i don't have any intention of doing that but if I do the dedication thing now i feel like I'm giving that impression. Now I'm rambling on and on about how i feel selfish but i don't want to give that impression and I'm freaking out that if i don't do the dedication ceremony thing i wont be any closer to Satan, I wont be able to enlighten myself and ill be stuck in this stupid little ignorant cage that is my mind. someone please help, I feel like a deer in headlights. I'm depressed because now I feel like I'm just a poor kid standing outside looking in the window of a Lamborghini dealership staring at what i cant obtain.
