Eureka
New member
- Joined
- May 5, 2023
- Messages
- 22
Greetings brothers and sisters,
First of all, the reason why I didn't open this topic in the Turkish forum is because we Turks are an emotional society and we need time to get over all the events. (I was using AI when I wrote this paragraph, but don't worry, I can understand everything in English, you don't need to translate your answers. I just couldn't write it.)
I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I hate myself, I don't know why, I didn't come from a loving family, I was the unplanned child and I was made to feel that way growing up. Maybe that’s why. but I'm not sure anyway, I set my life purpose to help others, I lived to fulfil people's wishes. And of course, it was abused. I've never thought of myself as anything more than a sack of shit. Before came here, I was in such an abusive relationship, it wasn't even romantic or sexual, I couldn't think of anything else but to run away. I think I don't deserve anything and I hate myself. I think I should never have been born. I'm unecessary and usuless or I felt like that.I'm normally a successful and intelligent person, or so people say. I grew up in an oppressive family, but somehow I managed to go abroad, but nothing has changed in my life. I don't communicate with people, I don't do anything new. I think about the mistakes I made before, I can't move on. My self-hatred has taken on another dimension. I feel disgusted with myself because I got the money from my parents to go abroad, and also because I could not get out of this depression despite changing countries. I am used to doing everything myself and this is a first for me. Actually, JoS is my only hope, I read articles written on forums and sometimes I also did meditations. There were times when I was strong enough to do RTR. But for three years I haven't even finished 40 days of meditation.
I overestimate even the smallest mistakes I made. I feel so tired and I want to finish everything. I started to hurt myself physically and I can see alarm bells ringing to me. I want very simple things, to be able to concentrate like before, to do fitness, to communicate with people, to improve my English. Whenever I try to get better, I get in a bad mood again and think about suicide. Especially since I have been living abroad, I have been torturing myself by going through all the mistakes I have made in my life. Although I forgive even the greatest evil done by other people, I never forgive even the smallest mistake I make myself.
I feel like nothing is going to change in my life. As well as my mental health, my physical health has also started to deteriorate because of the weight I have gained. I explained myself to the father of Satan in the standard ritual, I started 40 days of meditation again, but I need to change my thinking that nothing will change in this life. I am unable/unwilling to do a lot of spiritual work because I am not spiritually developed But even though, if you know of any work I can do, I would like you to let me know. Honestly I don't feel like I can handle this cycle of depression one more time, I'm waiting for your help, and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't be hurtful
First of all, the reason why I didn't open this topic in the Turkish forum is because we Turks are an emotional society and we need time to get over all the events. (I was using AI when I wrote this paragraph, but don't worry, I can understand everything in English, you don't need to translate your answers. I just couldn't write it.)
I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I hate myself, I don't know why, I didn't come from a loving family, I was the unplanned child and I was made to feel that way growing up. Maybe that’s why. but I'm not sure anyway, I set my life purpose to help others, I lived to fulfil people's wishes. And of course, it was abused. I've never thought of myself as anything more than a sack of shit. Before came here, I was in such an abusive relationship, it wasn't even romantic or sexual, I couldn't think of anything else but to run away. I think I don't deserve anything and I hate myself. I think I should never have been born. I'm unecessary and usuless or I felt like that.I'm normally a successful and intelligent person, or so people say. I grew up in an oppressive family, but somehow I managed to go abroad, but nothing has changed in my life. I don't communicate with people, I don't do anything new. I think about the mistakes I made before, I can't move on. My self-hatred has taken on another dimension. I feel disgusted with myself because I got the money from my parents to go abroad, and also because I could not get out of this depression despite changing countries. I am used to doing everything myself and this is a first for me. Actually, JoS is my only hope, I read articles written on forums and sometimes I also did meditations. There were times when I was strong enough to do RTR. But for three years I haven't even finished 40 days of meditation.
I overestimate even the smallest mistakes I made. I feel so tired and I want to finish everything. I started to hurt myself physically and I can see alarm bells ringing to me. I want very simple things, to be able to concentrate like before, to do fitness, to communicate with people, to improve my English. Whenever I try to get better, I get in a bad mood again and think about suicide. Especially since I have been living abroad, I have been torturing myself by going through all the mistakes I have made in my life. Although I forgive even the greatest evil done by other people, I never forgive even the smallest mistake I make myself.
I feel like nothing is going to change in my life. As well as my mental health, my physical health has also started to deteriorate because of the weight I have gained. I explained myself to the father of Satan in the standard ritual, I started 40 days of meditation again, but I need to change my thinking that nothing will change in this life. I am unable/unwilling to do a lot of spiritual work because I am not spiritually developed But even though, if you know of any work I can do, I would like you to let me know. Honestly I don't feel like I can handle this cycle of depression one more time, I'm waiting for your help, and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't be hurtful