hailourtruegod
Well-known member
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2017
- Messages
- 2,763
I have been suffering from severe anxiety and severe depression for many many many years now. I have tried my best to ignore it for so long but many times it just explodes in my face from bottling it up. I don't think I was born like this but happened to the result of being forced to perform sexual acts on an adult when I was around 6 or 7. Maybe even younger. I remember a lot from when I was very young and unfortunately that's one of them. For better or worse my mind can only remember the moment right before it happened and my mind draws a blank about the actual act. I've experienced a lot of other misfortunes in my life that probably made the anxiety much worse as time went but I'll save everyone from having to waste time reading all of it. The post is already long enough. I'll just say they were very unjust situations to incredibly toxic people who I am very open to because of how close they are to my life.
I feel like I'm on the brink of insanity. What makes it worse is that ive tried to talk to loved ones about this and it always results in being belittled or worse, telling me I'm lying. Even if they were the reason for making my mental state worse they say to my face that it never happened. I spent years to a decade or two in some situations trying to get over how shitty I was treated and talked to to only being called a liar to my face by these people saying I'm making shit up on the spot.... I fucking wish it was made up...
The emotional pain I feel everyday has gotten so bad that it has become physical pain. The past several years I have been feeling physical pain in my throat every time I start feeling depressed or anxious. Even feeling light head if a situation starts getting serious or heated just a bit which makes me act intense and lose my temper easily. It has gotten out hand before. Both the feeling of feeling flushed and getting enraged. I can't even have a normal conversation without physically tightening up (this just happens on its own and have to try so hard to calm down and many times to no avail) and then not knowing what to say in a general conversation.
I was raised to feel ashamed of expressing myself because of very controlling and violent parents and since I had these problems at such a young age I wasn't able to overcome it like some siblings of mine. So now I can't even express myself well or at times can't do it at all. I am currently doing an affirmation after yoga to help me with this.
Another thing is I can't even feel happiness fully anymore. So many times when I feel a hint of happiness creeping up I try to force it out but I can feel how fake it is and the times I finally do get a laugh or just feeling lighthearted and happy every time my mind tells me I don't deserve this feeling. I fight so hard to ignore this but emotions believe this thougjt and the feeling stops short from reaching fully happy, if that makes sense. I have felt like ripping my hair out when this happens. Like why do I have have these thoughts and also listen to them...
The pain is only getting worse and worse too. As of now it feels like a very sharp pain combined with a knot feeling. To where I feel I'm choking or about to bleed from that area inside. Recently I got into a bad argument with someone close to me when I tried to talk to them (since I read that it's best to speak to loved ones if you start feeling suicidal). This person just thinks I have always been lazy and weak minded to say the least. Yes, because me working, working out, studying meditating etc consistently makes me lazy.... Even in high school I was doing well at first (before it the depression became severe halfway thru my high school years) and in sports and even had a job. It's pretty fucked up when your loved ones don't even care about not just your mental health but when I finally have the balls to admit what happened when I was a child.... but yeah after this argument I felt a sharp pain on the right side of my rib cage for a couple of hours.
I've seen that it's in my chart that these things were to happen as well. So I have get away from these people... at the moment I can't because of financial issues to say the least. But I've made up my mind to stay away since there's no way of trying to make people who are beyond arrogant and hardheaded listen to me.
Here's what I'm currently doing everyday,
Aura of protection 4xs
- the basic one that's on the main site. I do two sets of these. One of them 36 reps then another 9 reps
- the potent AoP meditation that was given to a member by Lady Astarte. Aum Suryae and Algiz Sowilo 111 reps.
-after cleaning my aura I do the the affirmations that HPS Maxine gave us to do after doing the cleansing meditation that has you visualizing a ball of white light scanning your body from head to toe.
Full Chakra meditation
Satanama on each chakra and then aura.
Raum mediation
Rtr
Both Kundalini (108 reps) and Hatha yoga.
I work out 3 times a week and do shadow kick boxing everyday.
I've done about 5-7 Munka workings in the 7 years I've been dedicated. For removing any problems and hang ups in general or something specific.
All this and I'm still suffering from depression and anxiety even tho I've been at this for years now. I have been constant for the last year and a half. Before this I would half ass or just do a little of meditating. Or if I would bully down I would only do it for about 3-4 months before letting this problem kick my ass again. Maybe I just need to suck it up and keep on with my routine and it'll go away eventually?
I was hoping if anyone can give me some advice on what else I should do. Last few weeks have been horrible for me and suicide has been lingering in my mind everyday. I've been wanting to ask Father Satan for forgiveness and off myself but if it wasn't for the fact that the gods won't have a reason to protect my loved ones (since like Maxine wrote in the JoS site they protect your loved ones if you do warfare.) then I probably would've done it already or planned when to do it. I think that's the only thing that's keeping my from doing it along with something else; I see all of us as holding a "blanket of protection" over humanity. So to say. The more people we have that work to save this world the more innocent people will be covered in this blanket. Each one of us reaching a certain number of people to protect. So if I go away then the people who could of been protected will probably suffer because I wasn't there to do spiritual and online warfare to save them. For now that feeling of being responsible for saving others is greater than the feeling of killing myself to stop feeling this pain.
So please... if I could have some help it would be very appreciated.... I know that psychologists are mostly bs but it's to the point that i may go to one since everything so far isn't helping and any option might be worth doing. I would have to wait to save enough money. Even now I feel anxious and shaking a bit writing this... and I hate admitting this and sounding like a drama queen but I think always thinking like that and believing I shouldn't talk about my problems have only made this all worse.
Sorry for using up your time to read all this.
I feel like I'm on the brink of insanity. What makes it worse is that ive tried to talk to loved ones about this and it always results in being belittled or worse, telling me I'm lying. Even if they were the reason for making my mental state worse they say to my face that it never happened. I spent years to a decade or two in some situations trying to get over how shitty I was treated and talked to to only being called a liar to my face by these people saying I'm making shit up on the spot.... I fucking wish it was made up...
The emotional pain I feel everyday has gotten so bad that it has become physical pain. The past several years I have been feeling physical pain in my throat every time I start feeling depressed or anxious. Even feeling light head if a situation starts getting serious or heated just a bit which makes me act intense and lose my temper easily. It has gotten out hand before. Both the feeling of feeling flushed and getting enraged. I can't even have a normal conversation without physically tightening up (this just happens on its own and have to try so hard to calm down and many times to no avail) and then not knowing what to say in a general conversation.
I was raised to feel ashamed of expressing myself because of very controlling and violent parents and since I had these problems at such a young age I wasn't able to overcome it like some siblings of mine. So now I can't even express myself well or at times can't do it at all. I am currently doing an affirmation after yoga to help me with this.
Another thing is I can't even feel happiness fully anymore. So many times when I feel a hint of happiness creeping up I try to force it out but I can feel how fake it is and the times I finally do get a laugh or just feeling lighthearted and happy every time my mind tells me I don't deserve this feeling. I fight so hard to ignore this but emotions believe this thougjt and the feeling stops short from reaching fully happy, if that makes sense. I have felt like ripping my hair out when this happens. Like why do I have have these thoughts and also listen to them...
The pain is only getting worse and worse too. As of now it feels like a very sharp pain combined with a knot feeling. To where I feel I'm choking or about to bleed from that area inside. Recently I got into a bad argument with someone close to me when I tried to talk to them (since I read that it's best to speak to loved ones if you start feeling suicidal). This person just thinks I have always been lazy and weak minded to say the least. Yes, because me working, working out, studying meditating etc consistently makes me lazy.... Even in high school I was doing well at first (before it the depression became severe halfway thru my high school years) and in sports and even had a job. It's pretty fucked up when your loved ones don't even care about not just your mental health but when I finally have the balls to admit what happened when I was a child.... but yeah after this argument I felt a sharp pain on the right side of my rib cage for a couple of hours.
I've seen that it's in my chart that these things were to happen as well. So I have get away from these people... at the moment I can't because of financial issues to say the least. But I've made up my mind to stay away since there's no way of trying to make people who are beyond arrogant and hardheaded listen to me.
Here's what I'm currently doing everyday,
Aura of protection 4xs
- the basic one that's on the main site. I do two sets of these. One of them 36 reps then another 9 reps
- the potent AoP meditation that was given to a member by Lady Astarte. Aum Suryae and Algiz Sowilo 111 reps.
-after cleaning my aura I do the the affirmations that HPS Maxine gave us to do after doing the cleansing meditation that has you visualizing a ball of white light scanning your body from head to toe.
Full Chakra meditation
Satanama on each chakra and then aura.
Raum mediation
Rtr
Both Kundalini (108 reps) and Hatha yoga.
I work out 3 times a week and do shadow kick boxing everyday.
I've done about 5-7 Munka workings in the 7 years I've been dedicated. For removing any problems and hang ups in general or something specific.
All this and I'm still suffering from depression and anxiety even tho I've been at this for years now. I have been constant for the last year and a half. Before this I would half ass or just do a little of meditating. Or if I would bully down I would only do it for about 3-4 months before letting this problem kick my ass again. Maybe I just need to suck it up and keep on with my routine and it'll go away eventually?
I was hoping if anyone can give me some advice on what else I should do. Last few weeks have been horrible for me and suicide has been lingering in my mind everyday. I've been wanting to ask Father Satan for forgiveness and off myself but if it wasn't for the fact that the gods won't have a reason to protect my loved ones (since like Maxine wrote in the JoS site they protect your loved ones if you do warfare.) then I probably would've done it already or planned when to do it. I think that's the only thing that's keeping my from doing it along with something else; I see all of us as holding a "blanket of protection" over humanity. So to say. The more people we have that work to save this world the more innocent people will be covered in this blanket. Each one of us reaching a certain number of people to protect. So if I go away then the people who could of been protected will probably suffer because I wasn't there to do spiritual and online warfare to save them. For now that feeling of being responsible for saving others is greater than the feeling of killing myself to stop feeling this pain.
So please... if I could have some help it would be very appreciated.... I know that psychologists are mostly bs but it's to the point that i may go to one since everything so far isn't helping and any option might be worth doing. I would have to wait to save enough money. Even now I feel anxious and shaking a bit writing this... and I hate admitting this and sounding like a drama queen but I think always thinking like that and believing I shouldn't talk about my problems have only made this all worse.
Sorry for using up your time to read all this.