The Proud Gentile
New member
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2019
- Messages
- 40
About a year ago, i attempted to create a relationship with satan by drawing his sigil on a piece of paper and lighting a blue candle and telling him about my self, and just having a conversation in general. I wanted to start off the relationship with pure honesty and respect towards him. And let me just say the envirement was the most loving and peaceful feeling I've ever witnessed in my entire life. I believe that I felt love. I felt different during this period of time.
I felt like he was just there listening to me speak. Anytime I said something funny or gullible, I would start smiling and laughing at myself and I would also "feel" him laughing with me.
All of this was great but after doing this repeatedly after a few days I began to experience mental attacks. I would start seeing black shadows or "ghosts" while laying in my bed with all the lights off. A disgusting dread of fear would come over me daily. I would also get overly sensitive very easily. I basicly fell into deep depression for no real reason. I wanted to just give up on everything, not just spirituality. And so I did. I stopped speaking with father satan, and i stopped meditating. I would also experience intense sleep paralysis in which I was being choked half to death by this grey/shadowy entity with huge black eyes.
Now just to be clear, I am not a dedicated member. I've dreamed of dedicating my soul to satan but I don't think I'm going to do it until I know for sure that I will be persistent and meditate daily. I don't want to dedicate my soul to satan, develop a serious relationship with him and then start backsliding like how I did a year ago.
Recently I've been trying to get back into Satanism by coming to this site. But in a sense I feel ashamed to come back to satan because of what I've done. It's almost like the enemy wants me to feel embarrassed for even asking for help on this forum. I am genuinely sorry for letting the attacks of the enemy stop me from developing a relationship with satan. It was stupid and I should have continued the meditation. I'm still only a teenager and there's lots that I have to learn, I will never be truly perfect.
The only thing that's bothering me now is intense shame. Satan has the full right to not trust me and I understand that. But I will turn things around, starting with the basic meditations and RtRs.
Now that we've gotten through my story, I would like to know if there's anyone on here that has experienced the same as me. Will satan be angry with me if I try and speak with him again? Should I do some kind of apology ritual before dedication? To be honest any kind of feedback would help. I am just really trying to turn things around.
I felt like he was just there listening to me speak. Anytime I said something funny or gullible, I would start smiling and laughing at myself and I would also "feel" him laughing with me.
All of this was great but after doing this repeatedly after a few days I began to experience mental attacks. I would start seeing black shadows or "ghosts" while laying in my bed with all the lights off. A disgusting dread of fear would come over me daily. I would also get overly sensitive very easily. I basicly fell into deep depression for no real reason. I wanted to just give up on everything, not just spirituality. And so I did. I stopped speaking with father satan, and i stopped meditating. I would also experience intense sleep paralysis in which I was being choked half to death by this grey/shadowy entity with huge black eyes.
Now just to be clear, I am not a dedicated member. I've dreamed of dedicating my soul to satan but I don't think I'm going to do it until I know for sure that I will be persistent and meditate daily. I don't want to dedicate my soul to satan, develop a serious relationship with him and then start backsliding like how I did a year ago.
Recently I've been trying to get back into Satanism by coming to this site. But in a sense I feel ashamed to come back to satan because of what I've done. It's almost like the enemy wants me to feel embarrassed for even asking for help on this forum. I am genuinely sorry for letting the attacks of the enemy stop me from developing a relationship with satan. It was stupid and I should have continued the meditation. I'm still only a teenager and there's lots that I have to learn, I will never be truly perfect.
The only thing that's bothering me now is intense shame. Satan has the full right to not trust me and I understand that. But I will turn things around, starting with the basic meditations and RtRs.
Now that we've gotten through my story, I would like to know if there's anyone on here that has experienced the same as me. Will satan be angry with me if I try and speak with him again? Should I do some kind of apology ritual before dedication? To be honest any kind of feedback would help. I am just really trying to turn things around.