MercuryWisdom
Well-known member
Hey, brothers and sisters.
I wanted to talk and ask some help about something.
So, I didn't have the best childhood. Manipulative, arrogant, weak father. My mother is a good person but she is unfortunately a victim of a lot of issues caused by her life as well.
She used to be manipulative, controlling, paranoid, and obsessive. Although, my mother is the best person (strong, noble, hardworking, loving, caring.) I know she still has some issues she will have to deal with. She and my father had an awful relationship and marriage.
But that's not the point it might be some context.
Anyway, it recently have made itself obvious to me that I keep falling for broken, evil, narcisstic, sadistic, and cruel people.
They don't seem like it for me at first and I keep wanting to help them, save them, protect them, be there for them. And really just be a loving and great person. Which they exploit endlessly without even reciprocating it or feeling the need to. They might love bomb me at first to get me attached but once they know they own my heart they don't give two fucks.
The sad thing is I am always constantly traumatized by my people. And all the people around me. Friends, lovers, and family. I get badly backstabbed and sometimes I get serious PTSD.
I am a good person and I have always been to them and I always try to make them happy and better. I feel like I should be loved because I have so much good stuff going for me. But people keep breaking me and rejecting and slandering every good thing about me.
I feel like I can't be really loved no matter how good looking, ambitious, loving, caring, stylish, successful, poetic, intelligent I am. It doesn't matter how much I improve or succeed I just can't be loved it seems.
They like these traits at first and are so in awe and inspired and in love by them but once I open up they don't give two shit and will actually get envious and try to put me down and break me and hate everything good about me.
Love, intimacy, and sex are so crucial for me and my wellbeing. But I have been so deprived and sad because of it ever since my childhood.
It feels like sharing the karma of father Satan and people like Adolf Hitler. Where no matter how good, amazing, truthful, noble beyond belief and divine a person can be they just get called the baddest guy, the evilest of evil, an insane individual, the liar, etc.
I don't know what to do. If being good makes me "the devil" and being bad is not me, not my identity and I can't lie to myself. Then what can I really do to be happy?
To not be so lonely and alone like this... to stop being backstabbed and destroyed and my hands bitten and infected by the same persons I want to feed and nurture.
Also, how can I heal effectively? How can I overcome this undeserved karma..
I wanted to talk and ask some help about something.
So, I didn't have the best childhood. Manipulative, arrogant, weak father. My mother is a good person but she is unfortunately a victim of a lot of issues caused by her life as well.
She used to be manipulative, controlling, paranoid, and obsessive. Although, my mother is the best person (strong, noble, hardworking, loving, caring.) I know she still has some issues she will have to deal with. She and my father had an awful relationship and marriage.
But that's not the point it might be some context.
Anyway, it recently have made itself obvious to me that I keep falling for broken, evil, narcisstic, sadistic, and cruel people.
They don't seem like it for me at first and I keep wanting to help them, save them, protect them, be there for them. And really just be a loving and great person. Which they exploit endlessly without even reciprocating it or feeling the need to. They might love bomb me at first to get me attached but once they know they own my heart they don't give two fucks.
The sad thing is I am always constantly traumatized by my people. And all the people around me. Friends, lovers, and family. I get badly backstabbed and sometimes I get serious PTSD.
I am a good person and I have always been to them and I always try to make them happy and better. I feel like I should be loved because I have so much good stuff going for me. But people keep breaking me and rejecting and slandering every good thing about me.
I feel like I can't be really loved no matter how good looking, ambitious, loving, caring, stylish, successful, poetic, intelligent I am. It doesn't matter how much I improve or succeed I just can't be loved it seems.
They like these traits at first and are so in awe and inspired and in love by them but once I open up they don't give two shit and will actually get envious and try to put me down and break me and hate everything good about me.
Love, intimacy, and sex are so crucial for me and my wellbeing. But I have been so deprived and sad because of it ever since my childhood.
It feels like sharing the karma of father Satan and people like Adolf Hitler. Where no matter how good, amazing, truthful, noble beyond belief and divine a person can be they just get called the baddest guy, the evilest of evil, an insane individual, the liar, etc.
I don't know what to do. If being good makes me "the devil" and being bad is not me, not my identity and I can't lie to myself. Then what can I really do to be happy?
To not be so lonely and alone like this... to stop being backstabbed and destroyed and my hands bitten and infected by the same persons I want to feed and nurture.
Also, how can I heal effectively? How can I overcome this undeserved karma..