Hello, brothers and sisters. I am newly dedicated (January 18th), and I can tell you that nothing I have ever done has felt more right. I got into a meditation program right away, and within the past few weeks alone I have learned so much about myself and the world around me that it makes me wonder at how I walked through my life so blindly before. I love how I can feel my soul developing through meditation and Father Satan's guidance; it seems like I just understand what's going on around me much,much easier. The exciting thing about this is that as long as I keep at bettering myself then things can only get better! At the same time, I'm starting to see where challenges are trying to come up. I know that when the change starts in us then it can affect how those around us relate to us and vice versa, but in my case it seems like my marriage changed just as suddenly as my dedication to Father Satan occurred. I love Father and will do no less than to live my life in honor of him, but at the exact same time I feel like I'm already grieving for my marriage and I don't know how to help it. What do you do when you feel like you and the person who you were closest to suddenly are never on the same wavelength anymore? It feels like I'm alone now, like we literally don't understand each other anymore, like the love and the connection just vanished.
The obvious thing is that I'm dedicated and my husband isn't, but I think it's worth mentioning that like me, he grew up in a xian household but pretty much abandoned those ideals once he was able to live on his own. The thing is, he never went any further than that. He'll tell you that he doesn't know for sure what he believes, only that he's no fan of xianity or their god. I, on the other hand, always felt there had to be a truth out there. In the years we've been together he's known that I've always been drawn to Father Satan by the literature I have around the house and my views of the world, and while he said he's not sure how he felt about that personally ( which I can't fault him for, because the only understanding he has of Satan is what he was taught growing up, even when I've tried to explain it to him), he still loved me even though that wasn't really a shared interest. He never tried to convince me otherwise, and I felt that because of the way society is towards Father and the Gods that I couldn't ask for much more than someone to love me for me no matter what. That blossomed, we have a beautiful son, and seem to have done nothing but get closer and closer over time.
Once I officially dedicated it seems like out of nowhere there's just no bond anymore. Just like that, out of the blue. We didn't fight or anything like that, it just feels emotionless now. I feel separated from him whenever he's in my presence. When we go to work and I'm not around him I can only think about how much I miss him, but once we come home things just go south no matter what my intentions were. I've been wanting to spend more and more time off on my own because of this. Even the desire for physical intimacy is gone. I still meditate every day, and in fact it seems like the only time I do feel better is when I talk to Father about my concerns and then get as deep into a power meditation as possible. It almost feels like I have to protect aura hardcore, like constantly, just to feel peaceful around my beloved husband. I don't like that it's come to that. I've cried and talked to Father and meditated so much over the last two weeks that aside from going to work, it's basically all that I've done.
I know that I have to keep on going in my path towards godhead, and nothing gives me a greater sense of fulfillment than seeing my progress with each new day. At that same token, it's not some boyfriend I'm concerned about. I'm afraid I'm losing my husband. We have a family. I've always loved this man with all my heart, so the pain I feel right now almost feels like a death. I don't understand why it seems I can't reestablish a truly loving connection with him. When we dedicate ourselves to Father Satan is it common for loved ones to fall away from us unprovoked? If I loved someone, and they themselves weren't necessarily opposed to Satan but weren't dedicated as I am, and we have a family together, wouldn't the love and protection I receive from Father and the Gods rest on my loved one as well? Is this a purposeful weeding-out process for my own growth, or does the enemy like to fuck with our lives this way when they can see we are getting stronger and coming into our own every day? Right now I'm confused and deeply hurt, yet I know I still have to keep empowering myself no matter what. I don't really know how to explain it, it just feels like we exist in two different spaces and I'm watching him from behind a glass, not able to reach out and touch or be touched by him in the loving way we used to not even an entire month ago. I don't want my marriage to become empty and meaningless, and it's even more disturbing to me because like I said earlier, it seems to be right out of the blue. Just before my dedication we were the closest we've ever been.
I'm sorry for the long post and if it seems like I'm just crying and wanting to tell someone my troubles, but I really would like to know if this is common or normal to go through after dedicating yourself to Father. Are you able to keep meaningful friendships and relationships intact? Is there anything I can do to heal this situation and maybe even make it stronger than before? I don't want to hurt anymore, I truly miss my husband even when he's right next to me.
The obvious thing is that I'm dedicated and my husband isn't, but I think it's worth mentioning that like me, he grew up in a xian household but pretty much abandoned those ideals once he was able to live on his own. The thing is, he never went any further than that. He'll tell you that he doesn't know for sure what he believes, only that he's no fan of xianity or their god. I, on the other hand, always felt there had to be a truth out there. In the years we've been together he's known that I've always been drawn to Father Satan by the literature I have around the house and my views of the world, and while he said he's not sure how he felt about that personally ( which I can't fault him for, because the only understanding he has of Satan is what he was taught growing up, even when I've tried to explain it to him), he still loved me even though that wasn't really a shared interest. He never tried to convince me otherwise, and I felt that because of the way society is towards Father and the Gods that I couldn't ask for much more than someone to love me for me no matter what. That blossomed, we have a beautiful son, and seem to have done nothing but get closer and closer over time.
Once I officially dedicated it seems like out of nowhere there's just no bond anymore. Just like that, out of the blue. We didn't fight or anything like that, it just feels emotionless now. I feel separated from him whenever he's in my presence. When we go to work and I'm not around him I can only think about how much I miss him, but once we come home things just go south no matter what my intentions were. I've been wanting to spend more and more time off on my own because of this. Even the desire for physical intimacy is gone. I still meditate every day, and in fact it seems like the only time I do feel better is when I talk to Father about my concerns and then get as deep into a power meditation as possible. It almost feels like I have to protect aura hardcore, like constantly, just to feel peaceful around my beloved husband. I don't like that it's come to that. I've cried and talked to Father and meditated so much over the last two weeks that aside from going to work, it's basically all that I've done.
I know that I have to keep on going in my path towards godhead, and nothing gives me a greater sense of fulfillment than seeing my progress with each new day. At that same token, it's not some boyfriend I'm concerned about. I'm afraid I'm losing my husband. We have a family. I've always loved this man with all my heart, so the pain I feel right now almost feels like a death. I don't understand why it seems I can't reestablish a truly loving connection with him. When we dedicate ourselves to Father Satan is it common for loved ones to fall away from us unprovoked? If I loved someone, and they themselves weren't necessarily opposed to Satan but weren't dedicated as I am, and we have a family together, wouldn't the love and protection I receive from Father and the Gods rest on my loved one as well? Is this a purposeful weeding-out process for my own growth, or does the enemy like to fuck with our lives this way when they can see we are getting stronger and coming into our own every day? Right now I'm confused and deeply hurt, yet I know I still have to keep empowering myself no matter what. I don't really know how to explain it, it just feels like we exist in two different spaces and I'm watching him from behind a glass, not able to reach out and touch or be touched by him in the loving way we used to not even an entire month ago. I don't want my marriage to become empty and meaningless, and it's even more disturbing to me because like I said earlier, it seems to be right out of the blue. Just before my dedication we were the closest we've ever been.
I'm sorry for the long post and if it seems like I'm just crying and wanting to tell someone my troubles, but I really would like to know if this is common or normal to go through after dedicating yourself to Father. Are you able to keep meaningful friendships and relationships intact? Is there anything I can do to heal this situation and maybe even make it stronger than before? I don't want to hurt anymore, I truly miss my husband even when he's right next to me.
Hope this helps. 
