Being Transgender/Feminization

[BurgeoningMoon]

Hello everyone, this is my first Forum post here and it's about something that I've been trying to learn as much as I can about for about a year now, and have been having my own experiences with. As you can see from the title, it's that I identify as Transgender, or if that comes across as incorrect or misguided, to put it more directly, it's that I am a biological man (and already accept that as such), but have every desire to be a woman, even if it's not in my genes. I've been with the forum for roughly 6 months now (which is a little shorter than when I've came out to everyone I know as who I am) and while here, me and the friend who introduced me to this whole new life of spiritual Satanism were trying to figure out if my identification was influenced by the enemy, memes by our non SS friends, or genuine. After ensuring that no accidental spells were cast on me by my friend (and even if they were, they are now long since cleansed), I can very confidently say that I do still truly want to be a woman, but I'm aware it's not possible without shape shifting, or biokinesis, or assistance from the gods, or reincarnation, or anything like that really.

While I do still have this genuine feeling, there are still some conflicting thoughts of mine that arise from what I've learned through the Joy of Satan, and many of these forum posts:

1) One of the first posts I saw that mentions this topic at all was from HoodedCobra, and from what I remember of it (Idk how to find it and quote it), is that if I'm not just doing it for the trend or the attention, and I genuinely feel this way, then It's perfectly fine for me to go ahead and do it. However, from reading other posts, it still seems to me that the mere idea of me being biologically male and wanting to be female is just curses placed on me by the enemy, and I should embrace being a man. I'm fine with waiting a little bit longer to continue cleaning and returning curses, and doing the RTR to ensure that it's not curses, but what if I still feel this way?

2) There was a forum post I saw on this portion of the forum a few days ago that mentioned soy and its effects on males. I honestly do not know if plant based estrogen legitimately does have the same effects as regular estrogen on the human body, so I would really appreciate clarification on that. The other part of this point is, what if it's actually desired to be feminized and consume a lot of soy to accomplish that goal? Is it still not healthy to consume plant based estrogen for these effects? Is it still that in all reality, I shouldn't have the desire to be a woman?

3) I understand that the point of what we're doing, beyond destroying the enemy, is to improve ourselves and ultimately achieve the Magnum Opus, and how meditation can aid with genetics, but I am completely unsure if trying to increase estrogen levels within my body is a good idea, let alone taking Hormone Replacement Therapy where they provide testosterone blockers in addition to estrogen. The only damage I know it would do to me is making me sterile, but beyond that, I don't know what else it could do. Additionally, I don't even know how bad sterility is for me, at least assuming I would find some way to impregnate someone before making the transition.

4a) Assuming all answers to these points are along the lines of being in favor for me to try and become more woman like, what should be okay and what shouldn't be okay to go about the process? Should I avoid HrT at all costs, and just try to naturally encourage estrogen production in my body? Should I just stick to magick, or consult the gods? What would I need to do to accomplish this? Should I just wait until we've won?

4b) Assuming all answers to these points are more along the lines of me needing to embrace being a man, and not wanting to change, instead of the above, is there more I can do to alleviate this beyond the regular cleaning and RTRs?


I'm probably still being childish or naive in wanting the answers to cater to me becoming a woman. I know that spiritual advancement is far more important than my outward appearance. But, I honestly can still feel this deep desire to be a woman and I just have this hope that the answers will help me. Overall, I just hope I can receive some more direct clarity by asking this question to everyone, instead of trying to find legitimate evidence in a sea of Jew influenced medical information.

Obviously I will read and think about every response everyone gives me, as to learn better, but I do also hope that a HP will see this and provide their own guidance as well.

Thank you all for your time reading this, and any attempts to help in my situation.

Hail Satan!

 

[Eric13]

Well first of all being transgender has nothing to do with feeling effeminate or anything like that. It’s not a feminine man, if that’s how you feel. This is a different phenomenon, it’s a specific metaphysic occurrence. So dwell on that, do you feel feminine and this is why you identify this way or is this desire to be a women something deeper?

If it’s deeper and is something that’s has been felt inside for many many years, possibly since childhood, then you could be transgender.

Think about it, but whatever actions you take to transition to a women, it may be wise when turning to surgery to avoid messing with genitalia. This can’t be reversed. Really remember that. You could ruin your life. I would avoid serious things like that until you’re advanced enough to get clear guidance from the gods.

Transgender is real, but as you said, often people misidentify and a lot of this is because of different influences and such and not understanding what transgender really is. Again to clarify, it is not effeminate men or masculine women. There can be masculine and effeminate transgender people, the same as any other people.

 

[BurgeoningMoon]

Think about it, but whatever actions you take to transition to a women, it may be wise when turning to surgery to avoid messing with genitalia. This can’t be reversed. Really remember that. You could ruin your life. I would avoid serious things like that until you’re advanced enough to get clear guidance from the gods.

I did learn about what surgery could do, and I've made the definitive decision to not do that at all, because of the trauma and how, if hormones wouldn't ruin my chances of being the best I can be, then the surgery definitely would.

If it’s deeper and is something that’s has been felt inside for many many years, possibly since childhood, then you could be transgender.

I have basically had this since I was a child yeah, and thankfully, it was before I even knew what the term Transgender meant. Granted, I didn't have the intense tingling in my chest when thinking about what I want, but I did constantly say I wanted to be a girl, and wanted everything that came with that (before I knew about menstrual cycles). So while I know I've had the desire for a long time, I don't know if it was 100% genuine up until the past 3 years or so. But I will take your advice and think more on it, and maybe consult the gods once I'm more adept at such things.

 

[Stormblood]

1) Don't start with expectations in mind. This is how you jeopardise cleaning and workings. Self-doubt, expectations. Let go of them. What happens with meditation, happens. Some people have wrong mindsets about nature that no matter how many workings and meditations they do, their beliefs won't change because they self-sabotage themselves simply through self-doubt, expectations, wrong belief they are right/wrong or a combination of this and other factors.

2) You should re-read the articles on soy, because there's a lot of damage soy does to your organism. It does not just have the effect of "feminising" people.

3) You would destroy your sexuality and with that your change at not only rising your kundalini, but also achieving the Magnum Opus. In future lifetimes you'll also be born with very deeply rooted hangups about sexuality that could take an entire lifetime or more to be removed and allow you to progress. Sexuality is also strictly correlated to creativity, in other your ability to make something for yourself, someone else or whatever in the universe. So both HRT and surgery should be off the table for you.

4) Consult the Gods. Also, regular cleaning isn't sufficient to advance. Deep cleaning is needed (for everyone, not only for you specifically) and one should prioritise that over other things, as it will help you in every way. Deep cleaning concerns not simple cleaning of your aura and chakra, but identifying what are your traumas, hangups, blockages, etc and working consistently to remove them so one can become a better version of themselves and know their true self, rather than knowing the conditionings and brainwashings of family and society.

 

[Lunar Dance 666]

Think about it, but whatever actions you take to transition to a women, it may be wise when turning to surgery to avoid messing with genitalia. This can’t be reversed. Really remember that. You could ruin your life. I would avoid serious things like that until you’re advanced enough to get clear guidance from the gods.

I did learn about what surgery could do, and I've made the definitive decision to not do that at all, because of the trauma and how, if hormones wouldn't ruin my chances of being the best I can be, then the surgery definitely would.

If it’s deeper and is something that’s has been felt inside for many many years, possibly since childhood, then you could be transgender.

I have basically had this since I was a child yeah, and thankfully, it was before I even knew what the term Transgender meant. Granted, I didn't have the intense tingling in my chest when thinking about what I want, but I did constantly say I wanted to be a girl, and wanted everything that came with that (before I knew about menstrual cycles). So while I know I've had the desire for a long time, I don't know if it was 100% genuine up until the past 3 years or so. But I will take your advice and think more on it, and maybe consult the gods once I'm more adept at such things.

Before taking hormonal treatment I would suggest that you look into the effects of that onto the male body.

I know that there is something with estrogen related to weight gain. And male bodies aren't exactly made to handle it the way female bodies are..

Also you're free to dress the way you want, you know. There are said unisex skirts in the alternative circuit too when it comes to clothing.. if that's what you like.

 

[BurgeoningMoon]

4) Consult the Gods. Also, regular cleaning isn't sufficient to advance. Deep cleaning is needed (for everyone, not only for you specifically) and one should prioritise that over other things, as it will help you in every way. Deep cleaning concerns not simple cleaning of your aura and chakra, but identifying what are your traumas, hangups, blockages, etc and working consistently to remove them so one can become a better version of themselves and know their true self, rather than knowing the conditionings and brainwashings of family and society.

I tried looking around for deep cleaning specifically, but I can't really find it, where is it exactly? Or if it's not written somewhere, exactly what do I need to do?

 

[BurgeoningMoon]

I know that there is something with estrogen related to weight gain. And male bodies aren't exactly made to handle it the way female bodies are..

It's where the fat on the body is located, and that Testosterone contributes to muscle growth, so a lack of it would mean less muscle definition and more womanly locations of fat on my body.

Also you're free to dress the way you want, you know. There are said unisex skirts in the alternative circuit too when it comes to clothing.. if that's what you like.

Yeah, I know that, but it's not just the clothing I want, it's to have the body of a woman, to the fullest extend beyond just clothes and makeup.

 

[Larissa666]

Try to meditate first, to see where these feelings do come from. Work on freeing and cleaning your soul, then you shall get better picture at what is the best course of action to be taken.

 

[Hornet666]

Why is it that trans/men feel that they deserve to compete in women's sports? This is what is so wrong..if you were a shit athlete as a male too bad you dont deserve to compete with women in sports. Theres the case of Laurel Hubbard the Trans weightlifter. Who once upon a time competed in mens comp before making the transition into a women. If you couldn't beat men fair and square too bad. Go mutilate your body and accept the fact that you just dont cut it. Why do they feel the need to be included in women's sports. Its outrageous and an unfair advantage. That's no different to somebody pretending to have down syndrome so I can go to the special Olympics

 

[Hornet666]

* my bad** I accidentally hit submit before I finished my comment.

But yeah that's no different to someone pretending to have down syndrome so that they can go to the special Olympics and takeaway the chances of a medal from hardworking deserving athlete. This Transgender agenda they are promoting is just wrong on so many levels. I dont hate trans people but this issue we are facing at the moment is sending the wrong message. And that's why I stand to say that there are only 2 genders.

 

[Aquarius]

to a woman, your outward appearance is one of the most important aspects for your self worth.

im taking estrodial and spironolactone i fell infinitely saner and happier. and my sexual tastes are much better now.
there are three kinds of estrogen you can take, estrace, postitive youthful effects. estrodial neutral, and some other random estrogen(i think progesterone) which is the form of estrogen responsible for increased cancer risk and lactation during pregnancy.

most people just take spiro for a year and then get orchi.
ive been on hrt for 6 months and i have gotten much bigger and more powerful and pure and vibrate much higher than i ever did before. and my body has gotten softer and squishier and boobs are developing and all that, its actually amazing.

abuse, emotional repression, lack of expression etc, is what kills your chances of kundalini power and magnum opus. dont listen to the idiots who tell you your balls will make you immortal xD

obviously if you cant trust your feelings than you should focus your meditation on who you are and what you want to be, message me back when you see this

But you'll never be a real woman. Deep down, in your dna you're man, and in your soul you're a man. A very confused man, but a man regardless.

 

[Aquarius]

Why is it that trans/men feel that they deserve to compete in women's sports? This is what is so wrong..if you were a shit athlete as a male too bad you dont deserve to compete with women in sports. Theres the case of Laurel Hubbard the Trans weightlifter. Who once upon a time competed in mens comp before making the transition into a women. If you couldn't beat men fair and square too bad. Go mutilate your body and accept the fact that you just dont cut it. Why do they feel the need to be included in women's sports. Its outrageous and an unfair advantage. That's no different to somebody pretending to have down syndrome so I can go to the special Olympics

It's fucking pathetic isn't it.
These people should be put into a re-education center.

 

[Alt123]

I opened up about this topic before, but since then I've had many more insights and I've come to peace with it more. Since topics like this are still active, I figured I might as well share my conclusions here again, just in case anyone is curious about my perspective.

For starters, something I strongly believe in is that no matter how I change, I'll always be me; and that that's all I need to be. That's the one thing I can never change, and something that I would never want to change anyway. As for whether I'm a man or a woman, I think I'm the latter, since I look like one physically and have female sex organs astrally, and the form I have astrally is one that feels natural to me. Others are free to form their own opinion as well, and in the end it's hardly more than a subjective matter. But no matter what people think of me, I'll still be me, and that's all that really matters. Neither my masculine side nor my feminine side are things that I want to repress; rather than adhering to any stereotypes, I always want to do what seems best to me, everything considered.

When I began doing meditation and became more consciously aware of what I'm like, I began to wonder: why am I like this? It took me some time to come to an understanding of it, as I wasn't initially aware of how these things work and was quick to jump to conclusions about potential reasons as to why I would do such a thing or psychological explanations, that later crumbled to dust as they turned out not to make much sense after all. But a few months ago after yet again going through the memories I recalled most vividly from before this lifetime, I realised there was something right in front of me that I had overlooked. I realised that it wasn't exactly something I did consciously; although it was technically caused by my intentions, I wasn't conscious of what I was doing or the consequences of my actions. Rather, it was the culmination of the sorrows I felt throughout many lifetimes that caused it to happen in the moment I died a particularly tragic death. I won't go into more detail about it, since no one should ever consciously attempt to do what I did. I know that the only reason I don't regret it is because I already snapped a very long time ago; because it gave me hope, when before there was only despair. Regardless, my goal in this life is to sort out all of those sorrows and find answers.

The answers I've found so far... They're biased by my past and unconventional. Knowing that, I often wondered: are they wrong? But the more I learn and discover, the more I realise just how relevant and useful they are for me. To live my life to the fullest in a body that suits me, is something that I want. To that end, I will use the most effective pathways and means available to me. When it comes to that, superstition and stereotypes are completely irrelevant to me; all that matters is the actual reality of any given situation I may find myself in.
It's not a matter of whether or not I succeed; it's a matter of getting as far as I can and enjoying the fruits of my progress in the process. The feeling of my sorrows melting away as I change and grow both physically and mentally is incredibly fulfilling. My goal may be to change so much that I may someday forget it all, which might not be possible; but even striving towards my ideals forever is not something I'm against. Not to mention, many things from the past are already starting to feel like little more than a distant nightmare.

As for DNA, which Aquarius brought up, apparently that would be XXY for me... but I don't think that really matters. I read somewhere that a study has shown that males with that condition are no more likely to be gay or transgender than the general population, so it's not like that would cause any confusion about my sex, and I didn't even know until recently. That said, I do wonder if the karma from what happened before this life is in some way the cause of my genetic abnormality, or if I was already like that for as long as I existed. If the former is the case, then I wonder if I could end up changing completely if I take it even further? Regardless of whether or not that is the case, I'm sure that I'll find many ways to live a happy life; what sex I am only matters so much, as there are many other important things in life too.

And who knows, maybe someday I actually will find a way to further change my DNA, although it's unclear to me whether or not that is necessary for my purposes. As I said before: I'll always be me either way. I've only gone to such extremes because I want to enjoy being alive in this physical world, and after everything I've been through that had become slightly difficult. That's why I have to chase my ideals in order to give myself hope. And besides hope, it has given me happiness... Such immense happiness. That happiness is something that I will cherish and protect forever, because it's the only thing that keeps me going while my wounds are still healing.

I know the above is not something someone who is fully okay mentally would say; but that's okay. Many of the people who are here came from a difficult place and have been through a lot, and I'm no different in that regard. I decided a long time ago, that no matter the hardships I've faced, the hardships that I'm still facing, or the hardships I may face in the future: I want to live! I want to give my everything to live to the fullest, because being alive is amazing! There are so many things I can do now that I have a physical body!

Therefore, there's no need to be concerned about me. I'll live my life how I see fit, because I want to, and what strangers online think about that doesn't really matter. As long as we're all fighting for Satan, isn't that what really matters here? That's what I think.

 

[Alt123]

...

xxy must be strange, if i may ask are you an only child? also your mothers first by chance.
in any case, whats your body like? you say you look like a woman, but you only have female genitals astrally
what are your interests, do you like to compete, do you like art. if you genuinely have no creative outlets then thats fine too, the vast majority of people, women in particular have none.

so basically youre very cute and feminine and when you see yourself in your minds eye you see a girl?
based on what you wrote you sound like you are feeling optimistic, but you dont seem happy or at peace.

if youre okay sharing, how old are you, and whats your best mediation. i have some tips that ive used to become athletic with great success, i would get many compliments from strangers and even old friends who cast me out, if thats something youre looking for. id like to know why youre comparing yourself to studies about others, or thinking youre not mentally okay.

ignore the dummies and please tell me what hardships youre facing currently.

I want to answer all of your questions properly and in full, so my reply might get a bit long. Just so you know in advance.

I have an older brother, so I'm my mother's second. Klinefelter/XXY usually doesn't have many symptoms before puberty, although in my case I did have some motor coordination problems when I was 4 years old which I was able to overcome with the help of a physiotherapist, and a slight abnormality on my genitals since birth although it's completely harmless and didn't require any surgery (there are two lines on the bottom side forming a pattern that somewhat resembles a yoni, and the skin in-between is a bit different).

Most boys with Klinefelter syndrome find out they have it during puberty, because they see a doctor after developing breast buds and not developing more masculine features. They tend to compare themselves to other boys and feel insecure about their body, and are usually prescribed testosterone so that they can look more masculine. Meanwhile, I was feeling insecure because my breasts weren't growing as much as the other girls, and by the time I went to see a doctor, I was asking for puberty blockers and estrogen. It took a few years before I was allowed to use them due to the protocol for it being so complicated where I live, but fortunately (most likely due to my condition) my body didn't become much more masculine during that time, even though I was 17 years old already.

Interestingly, when the doctor examined me, he did mention to my mom that I had symptoms of Klinefelter and suggested to test for it, giving my unusually long arms as an example. My mom said it was probably just a coincidence since she has long arms too, and I misunderstood the conversation and said I like having long arms because I can reach quite far. The doctor was just like "whatever" and dropped the topic. That's why I only recently became aware that I have the condition by coincidence.

As for my body, I'm rather tall, but also have a very slender frame (my shoulders are less wide than my mother's) and relatively wide hips, as well as a feminine face. Even when I was still attending school as a boy and before starting any treatment, other kids often assumed I wore makeup and teased me for it, even though that's just how I looked naturally. Although they didn't seem to believe me when I said I wasn't wearing any, I figured I might as well just take it as a compliment.

My voice did become deeper during puberty, which I was sad about since I wanted to be an opera singer. In fact, I was so sad about it that I couldn't accept it, and practiced so much that my vocal range is about 4 octaves now, and the range is still gradually increasing to this day, with me being able to reach higher pitches and have more control over my voice each year. As such, I'm still holding out hope that I'll be able to sing freely someday if I keep practicing. And thanks to how flexible my voice is now, I'm able to sound like a normal woman without even trying anymore. According to my partner I sound very cute, which helps my self-esteem.

As for hormone replacement therapy, I'm very happy with the changes it caused to my body, especially how much it made my breasts grow. I'm very happy about their size now, and it's fun to use them to entice my partner. Other than that, the hormones make me feel different somehow; like they have a slight soothing effect, whereas testosterone felt very wrong to me. I used to think that was just in my head, but another member on these forums who was diagnosed with PCOS also mentioned that when her body was producing testosterone, it felt like she wasn't herself, and that taking a low dose of birth control (estrogen + progestin, which also blocks the testosterone production) fixed that; besides fixing many other problems, she also just felt different. You mentioned you feel better since starting hormone therapy as well, so I'm starting to think that there's a pattern and that it's not just a placebo effect after all.


Now that I'm done with the topic of what my body is like, I'll move on to your other questions.

In regards to creative outlets, besides singing I also enjoy composing instrumental music (usually piano) and sometimes I draw, but I don't do it often enough to be really good at it. I also enjoy writing fanfiction or poems sometimes.

Besides creative outlets, my interests include playing video games, reading manga and mathematics. My interest in mathematics also led to an interest in programming, as it allowed me to run simulations to understand mathematical problems better. I think it might be fun to try developing a game again sometime (I added some gameplay to a simulation before when I was 13 years old and it got really popular), but I find it a bit difficult to stick to a big project for long enough to finish it.


Besides what I see in my mind's eye, I've also always had a feeling of being a girl/woman that I couldn't explain properly. Something like what sex you are isn't an emotion, so "a feeling" is a rather confusing way to put it. However, I've since figured out what it really means and where it comes from for me.
People are always aware of their body, even their internal organs to an extent. If any part of their body, even internally, is inflamed or otherwise unhealthy, people will generally be able to feel that. A person's genitals are also a part of their awareness.
In my case, I've always been simultaneously aware of two bodies: my physical body, and another which is fully female. That has been the case for as long as I remember, and seems to be the cause of my sexual confusion.

The above also ties into my sexuality. Physically, I've tried anything I could think of in order to find sexual satisfaction, but I found none. No matter what I tried, it always felt like something was missing. I knew what was missing: I wanted to have vaginal sex and be on the receiving end of it. I hoped that maybe if I got surgery then I would be able to enjoy sex after that, but with the results being so mixed, I wasn't completely sure about it since it could be disappointing and painful. I also wondered if I was perverted for wanting something like that in the first place, as I couldn't make any sense of it when the only body I could clearly see at the time was male down there.

When I found the JoS and started meditating and dedicated, I was quick to overcome most of my trauma related to my sex from this lifetime, causing me to feel much better about my body and curing the social anxiety that I struggled with for a long time. But my sexuality still remained the same, and I didn't understand why, because I had assumed that the reason I wasn't able to enjoy sexual things was because I felt ashamed of my body. But even with the shame gone, nothing had changed, and I still wanted the same thing.
Feeling confused about it, I tried asking my Guardian Demoness (who often visited me to help me along when I was new to this path) why my sexuality is the way it is, and entered a trance awaiting Her explanation. I felt Her moving closer to me, and then She touched me (not in a lewd way, but more to prove a point), inserting Her finger briefly before moving away again. I felt it so incredibly vividly, as though it was real, even though it involved body parts I don't physically have. Putting my flustered feelings aside, I understood in that moment what my astral body was like. And since it felt nice even though it was so brief, I became curious about having sex astrally.

About 9 months later, I had learned how to do it with my partner. Even though I had sex in such a plain manner, it was the first thing to ever satisfy me, and as I got more used to it, it started to feel mind-blowingly amazing. I'd say it has been a healing experience for me, as it has helped me overcome many of my insecurities, and even just the pleasure is so much that it makes the horrible memories that gnaw at my sanity sometimes feel irrelevant. However, it has also made me more in tune with my astral body, which has caused a problem. The astral and physical are supposed to reflect each other, and especially when it comes to a person's body, they are deeply connected. As I've become more in tune with my astral body, my physical genitals have started to feel like they're inside out, and it feels extremely jarring. It used to feel hollow (like it wasn't really there) so it was easy to ignore, but now it's actively uncomfortable.

At times I feel like I might lose my mind because of how wrong it feels, although having astral sex regularly helps a bit to distract me from it. The sexual satisfaction made me think at first that I was fine with my body staying the way it is, but I realise by now just how important it is that I'm physically female, even down there. I just want that part of my body to feel right, or at least not so wrong...

I've decided that I'll have surgery. At worst it replaces one source of intense discomfort with another, and at best it liberates my sexuality and makes me feel more comfortable in my body. I've also used divination as well as some actual research to look into the outcomes and appears to be clearly in my favour. Besides that I've experimented with biokinesis, and based on the results at the time (although I had to undo them because the shape needs to be different first or it'll cause problems) I'm confident that I'll be able to further improve the results after the surgery. It would put many usable tissues in places that are suitable for my purposes.


There are two reasons as to why I sound like I'm not happy. One is the discomfort caused by what I mentioned above. The other is trauma from past lives. Since I was little, I've been prone to sudden bouts of gloominess, that I used to not understand. But now that I'm more spiritually open, I'm starting to remember things. Horrible things... Do you know what xian communities and the church did to homosexual boys/men back in the day? That's only the start of it. I'm not good at repressing things, so I couldn't hide or avoid anything at all. And besides that, there were other things too...
It's probably pathetic to cry over things that didn't even happen in this life, but I can't help it. And when I think back to it, I think that I became like this astrally because I wanted to run away from being male. I wanted to be protected like women and girls usually are.
Changing to the extent I have and living as a woman, as well as having such a loving and reliable partner, has given me immense relief from those things. But sometimes I ask myself if it's really okay for me to run away like that, going as far as to change my being even at my very core. The happiness my transformation has given me, is that what I should believe in? Or are the sorrows of my past something I should've faced head-on by attempting to live as a man again now that this world has slightly improved?

I've thought about it. And I realised that even with how this world has changed, I would still be happier if I was completely female, even physically. Some people say that you shouldn't dwell on things that aren't possible. But they're wrong that it isn't possible. Even now, I've already changed so much, and I know that I will still change more. Sometimes rapidly, sometimes gradually, based on whatever methods are available to me at the time. Nobody else can decide for me what I want or what I should be satisfied with, or what my limits are. We live in a world where things that used to be impossible are constantly becoming possible, because that's just how creative and ingenious we humans are. Every year, something happens for the first time ever at our hands. If no one else does it before me, then I will, if that's what it takes for me to be satisfied. That's what I've decided on.


I'll be in my mid-twenties soon. As for meditation, I think I do fairly normal stuff for the most part, but I like to use the rune Bjarkan. Besides being useful for protection, it also helped to solve some energetic problems caused by the mismatch between my bodies, which used to drain my energy. Vibrating Bjarkan a decent amount of times every day seems to prevent that somehow.
Feel free to share your tips for becoming athletic, I've been thinking about exercising more lately but I'm not sure where to start.
I compared myself to studies about others so people don't misunderstand and think my feelings are just coming from my intersex condition; I think it goes much deeper than that and I wanted to convey that.

As for why I think I'm not completely mentally okay, it's because I still have so much trauma to heal from. I get symptoms of PTSD sometimes, and it startles my partner and my family. I always try to be calm and reasonable, so when I suddenly start shaking and crying because something minor caused me to have a flashback, I feel bad for making the people around me worry and feel embarrassed for not being in control of my emotions. But I always try to remind myself that those things are in the past, and that I'm free to live a happy life now; that I won't be abandoned, and that no one is going to kill me either. My partner helps to remind me of that too. I'm truly blessed to have such kind people around me.

Lastly, I don't think people like Aquarius are dummies. He's just trying to understand these things from his perspective and express his thoughts and feelings on the topic. He may not understand how you feel or what you've been through, but I think he's trying to protect you from potentially making a mistake. Sometimes people go into this kind of thing with the wrong expectations, and make impulsive decisions that they end up sorely regretting. A lot of the time, reasons people do this kind of thing may not actually a problem with whether they're masculine or feminine, but other problems that they simply blamed on their sex. Many problems like that can be overcome through meditation and yoga and self-improvement in general, and that's why a lot of people frown on relying on medical intervention, because they mentally equate it to someone taking anti-depressants for the rest of their life to cope with depression instead of actually getting to the root of the problem, and consider you mentally weak for it.

When it comes down to it, it's either a matter of you not understanding your own situation well, or a matter of others not understanding your situation well. I think it's often a bit of both, because issues like that are often very complex and have more than just one cause. I've been thinking recently: if even I still can't fully understand why I'm the way I am even after thinking about it for so long and looking so deep inside my past, then how could I possibly explain it to someone else? Although I feel like I've gotten closer to the truth, I know that there's still information I'm missing. And without that information, everyone is just guessing that things are one way or the other, when it's really different for everyone.

In the end, the best you can do is to search yourself and consider everything carefully, then make your best judgement on what to do. There are no cookie cutter answers here, so just do what you think is right and act with care. I hope it goes well for you.

If you read it all, then I hope it was interesting. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask and I'll try to answer them.

 

[Reed]

to a woman, your outward appearance is one of the most important aspects for your self worth.

im taking estrodial and spironolactone i fell infinitely saner and happier. and my sexual tastes are much better now.
there are three kinds of estrogen you can take, estrace, postitive youthful effects. estrodial neutral, and some other random estrogen(i think progesterone) which is the form of estrogen responsible for increased cancer risk and lactation during pregnancy.

most people just take spiro for a year and then get orchi.
ive been on hrt for 6 months and i have gotten much bigger and more powerful and pure and vibrate much higher than i ever did before. and my body has gotten softer and squishier and boobs are developing and all that, its actually amazing.

abuse, emotional repression, lack of expression etc, is what kills your chances of kundalini power and magnum opus. dont listen to the idiots who tell you your balls will make you immortal xD

obviously if you cant trust your feelings than you should focus your meditation on who you are and what you want to be, message me back when you see this

Happy for you sister. The most important thing is that it is what you really want. I've seen a video of a trans female that says that after HRT, chakras balance better(in the case of who really wants it, but idk really). Anyway happy for you again!!

It is important to find ourselves and don't refuse ourselves. So if you are like that and you are sure of this, go for it IF you can't stay without it. Just have an inner guidance

 

[Alt123]

thank you, really appreciate it <3
i wrote some responses to this thread, but they havent gone through yet so you'll have to forgive me

The health subforum can be a bit slow sometimes. If you responded to me as well, then I hope it goes through soon.

In case you were curious if it was just a sexual thing for me based on the answers I gave, I decided to write a bit about my childhood to give you a better perspective of the context leading up to my decisions.


When I was 2-4 years old, I thought I was a girl and mostly played with other girls. I was happy. I did notice my parents called me a boy, but I didn't know the meaning of the word or that a boy couldn't be a girl too, so I didn't think much of it.

When I was 4 years old, my mom cut my hair very short, like a buzz cut. Afterwards, my friends started telling me one by one that they couldn't play with a boy. I was very sad and lonely, and since then I've always wanted to have long hair, although my parents only allowed me have it at a medium length until I was 15. I felt misunderstood and started to wonder if there wasn't some way to make others see me as a girl.

A year later when I was exploring the playground on my own, I found a way to leave it. I walked through a passage surrounded by tall hedges and made it to the streets, which were empty at the time. After standing there for about a minute and enjoying the peace and quiet, I turned around to return to the playground and saw an adult woman with long, dark hair. Although I didn't recognise her, she seemed familiar somehow. She said that if I really wanted to be a girl, then I should ask an adult for help. A few seconds later she vanished, and I felt like I had just woken up from a dream. I returned to the playground and thought about what she said.

The next day, I told my dad that I heard it's possible for a boy to become a girl, and asked him, hypothetically, what he thinks of people who do that sort of thing. He told me he's heard about it before, and that people like that go through many painful and dangerous surgeries, and that it's often very hectic both for them and the people close to them. He also said that it's irreversible, so people who do that kind of thing need to be really sure they want it. It sounded very scary, so I figured that wasn't what I wanted after all.
I thought about it some more, and concluded that even if I'm a boy, it's fine as long as I can just do the things I like. Later that week, I brought it up again to both of my parents at the same time. I told them that I didn't want to become a girl, but I just wanted to play with girly toys. They said that was fine and bought me some.

I became interested in magick and alchemy, since I thought that was the only way I could actually become a girl. I learned how to see, feel and control the energy around me. However, in doing so I started to become aware of the thoughts of others around me. A lot of people close to me were going through difficult times, and I didn't know how to handle their emotions; besides that, I didn't know how to apply any of it to make actual progress towards my goal. As such, I lost interest again after a year.

The boys in my class were often being vulgar or harassing girls, and I started to think that it was their fault that my friends abandoned me, since girls probably assumed all boys are like that. As such, I would hit them whenever they did anything like that, and forced them to apologise for their behaviour. Two boys in my class who were being bullied before that became friends with me, since I protected them.

When I was 7 years old, I asked my mom before going to school if she could put my hair in a ponytail, and she did. However, when I arrived at school and as I was on my way to the classroom, I saw people pointing at me and heard them whispering things about me. I started to feel nervous, and by the time I was near the classroom I was too afraid to go inside. I ran away and hid in a corner under some stairs. I wanted to look cute, but I didn't want others to think I was weird. After about 30 minutes one of my friends came to look for me and found me. After talking to him, I took off the hairband and went to the classroom with him.

When I was 8 years old, I met a girl from another class who would play with me even though I was a boy. We played with dolls and played house together. A year later, she whispered in my ear that she loves me. After thinking briefly, I whispered back that I like her too. To be close to someone who wouldn't abandon me for being a boy seemed nice, so I didn't mind being a couple.

It turned out she was considered the prettiest girl in her class, and a lot of boys were jealous of me. They would look for me and pick a fight with me or insult me. As they provoked me I would simply punch them, they would cry, and then I would bring them to the teacher so we could both tell our side of the story, apologise to each other, and settle the matter. Although I tried my best to handle situations like that the best I could, it still got to me as I started to wonder if everyone hated me and was trying pick on me because they thought I was weird. My wish changed from "I wish I could be a girl" to "I wish I could be normal".

In an attempt to seem normal, I began to repress all of my emotions, and built a persona that I thought seemed like a normal boy. However, instead of fitting in better, others started saying I seemed like a robot. When I turned 10, I started going to a different building for school and wasn't able to see my girlfriend anymore (she was younger than me so she still attended school in the old building), as well as one of my two male friends who had to repeat a grade. I felt incredibly lonely, but realised that was just an emotion too, so I repressed it like I did any other. I forgot how to smile around that time.

When I was 12 years old, I started to hate my body. Not for any reason in particular that I was aware of, since my emotions were too repressed for me to understand any of them. No matter, I thought, I'll just repress that feeling too. "I am not my body, it's just a means for me to exert my influence upon this world." As I affirmed that every morning, I began to feel disconnected from reality, and every day turned into a haze. My memories from that time are vague, and I was diagnosed with ADD for being absent-minded all the time.

One night when I was 13 years old, I started to think that I wanted to be raped. I thought I wanted someone to love my unsightly body and force me to enjoy it. When I tried to fall asleep after that, I hallucinated again about the woman I saw when I was 5 years old, but this time she was scantily clad and had feathery wings. She pinned me down forcibly while maintaining eye contact. While logically I thought I should be excited, instead I was starting to feel increasingly overwhelmed by unfamiliar emotions and began to struggle frantically, to no avail as she wouldn't budge at all. Then she let go and asked me with a serious tone: "did you really want this?", before vanishing again. I realised that things like that are horrible when they actually happen, and understood the importance of consent and doing things like that only with someone I really love. But I also felt rather hopeless, since I was afraid to get close to anyone when I felt the way I did about my body. For the time being, I started to consider myself asexual since I figured I wasn't compatible with anyone the way I was.

When I was 14 years old, I started to think that crying myself to sleep every night isn't something a normal boy would do, which had been happening for several months already even though I tried my best to hold back the tears. Then I thought: "in order to be normal, I have to get to the root of the problem and solve it so that I can stop crying." So that night, I looked through many old things stashed away in my bedroom to refresh my memories of my childhood. I remembered how strongly I wished to be a girl. I remembered the conversation I had with my dad about it when I was 5, and looked it up to find that there really are ways for people to transition to the opposite sex, and that it's called transsexuality. My first thought was, "that isn't normal". However, I realised that with how much it was affecting me, it wasn't something I should ignore anymore, and also that my act wasn't really helping me seem normal in the first place. The next morning I told my parents that I want to be a girl, and my mom asked me why. Since my emotions were still repressed I had no idea why, so instead I gave the first logical answer I could think of: "boys are stupid and I don't want to be one". She said that was the stupidest reason she had ever heard, and warned me that even if I went down that kind of path, things like my voice, which was already getting deeper at the time, wouldn't change back. Based on what she said, I started to think it was already too late for me, and I didn't know how to seek help anyway since I wasn't taken seriously, so I gave up on it again.

I started growing breast buds around this time despite being underweight. I was happy initially, but they didn't grow much more due to me being too skinny. I wondered if even nature was toying with me at this point. Even so, as small as they were, it was still something that I secretly took pride in, and it helped my self-esteem a little bit.

When I was 15 years old, I went on a trip with my family to a distant relative's place. My brother and I were staying in a room that used to belong to their daughter who had moved out. I was feeling slightly ill and needed to rest, so I stayed in the room while my family went out in to the city. I noticed some of their daughter's old clothes were still in the wardrobe, and decided to try them on and looked at myself in the mirror. I liked how I looked for the first time in years. I kept coming up with excuses to stay home alone for a short amount of time while my family went out so I could do it more. It felt bittersweet because I knew I wasn't supposed to do that, and also because even if I looked that way in the mirror, my body was still the same underneath. Even so, I couldn't stop myself. After about 5 days we left to head back home, and I began to feel extremely depressed.
I couldn't be normal. I couldn't be who I wanted to be. I couldn't live freely. I couldn't be happy. I didn't want to be alive, but I didn't want to make my parents sad by dying. I was unable to fall asleep because the negative thoughts kept me awake, so I stayed up and delved into intellectual and creative pursuits in order to distract myself until I became tired enough to stop thinking and pass out, sleeping only 4 hours most nights.

One evening when I got home from school, my older brother asked me what's going on. I asked him what he meant, and he said that every day I come back from school looking more depressed, and that if I killed myself because he didn't do anything, he would never forgive himself. I said there was no point in telling him, but he told me to tell him anyway. I stayed quiet for a moment to think, then sighed and walked into the kitchen to wash my hands. However, he grabbed my arms and held them behind my back, and said that he wouldn't let go until I told him what was wrong. I said I wanted to wash my hands and asked him to please let go, but instead he began twisting my arm slightly and commanded that I tell him. As he started twisting it harder I said I'd tell him and asked him to stop, which he did. I told him that I want to be a girl. He sighed with relief and said, "so that's what it was."
He asked me if I had told our parents, and I said I did a year ago but they didn't take me seriously. He asked if it was okay for him to talk to them about it and I told him to go ahead. A few minutes later my parents came to talk to me and they said they thought I had lost interest since I didn't bring it up anymore. I explained that the reason I didn't bring it up anymore is because my mom's answers had made me feel hopeless. They called a doctor who did a house visit and asked me some questions, and based on my answers he sent a letter to a clinic that specialises in this kind of thing to put me in the queue with a high priority.

A week later while I was sitting on the edge of my bed, I saw my leg. Suddenly I thought: "I am my leg." Or rather, I realised that my body is not just a vessel for my mind, but that it is also who I am. I finally woke up from the haze I had been in for so long, and also realised that if I want to be happy, I have to listen to my emotions, because happiness isn't something you can create with logic alone.

Since it was clear to me by now that no one at my school thought I was normal anyway (with my unusually high grades, a project I did being sent to university to be checked because it was too far above the teacher's level, the mysterious air around me due to me not talking much and never smiling, and the exaggerated rumours about my past, most people considered me an eccentric genius), I decided to just do what I want and see where that takes me. So I shaved my legs, grew my hair out, and bought some more feminine clothes to wear to school. Instead of panicking when people whispered things about me like when I was 7 years old, I waited for people to come to me to ask me about it, and answered them honestly. "I thought the hair on my legs looked gross, so I shaved it." "I always wanted to have long hair, so I grew it out." "Everything in the men's section looked so boring and overpriced, so I bought these clothes instead because I think they look nicer." Everyone just accepted those answers, and I even made friends for the first time in years. I began to smile again, and the principal said to me that seeing me smile for the first time after all these years lifted a weight.

I've had quite an active love life since then, which has only become more fulfilling over time as I figured out my preferences more clearly. I'm with a very tall and handsome man now who loves me for who I am regardless of whether I'm male or intersex or female, and is even willing to marry me. Since I've started to follow my heart, so many of my dreams have come true that used to seem impossible when I was 15. Not once have I regretted my decision, even if it was scary or difficult at times. Nowadays I'm always doing what I want to instead of what I think others expect from me; if I had the courage to do that from the start, then my childhood might've been a lot more fun, but what matters is that I'm fine now.

I still have dreams, such as achieving immortality and becoming a mother someday, but those aren't things that need to be rushed. They're ambitions that I can take my time with to figure them out, just like everyone else is doing with their dreams. Even if something seems impossible in the moment, that's no reason to give up; because if you keep growing as a person, then someday it may not be impossible for you anymore. To me, that's also part of what it means to be a Satanist; to always keep striving and doing your best.


On a side note, when I was 12 years old, I heard that a year after the girl I was a couple with became unable to see me anymore, she started asking out the boys in her class one by one, only to break up with them after anywhere between 30 seconds to a week. By the end of that year she had "dated" all of the boys in her class. I was always a bit confused what the deal with her was after hearing that, but I just looked up her instagram and apparently she married a woman a few years ago and they recently adopted a girl that they're raising together. It makes me wonder if she asked out all the boys in her class because she was looking for a replacement for me, but was unable to find anyone. Either way, she looks happy now, so I'm glad. I really appreciated that she was there for me back then.

 

[Reed]

i think that watching how you are structured physically, for trying "repressing" yourself, is worse, if you are sure you are like that. of course, maybe you can try to ask yourself "do I really feel the lack of a feminine body, or simply hate my body for another reason"? I suggest to not to ask so much questions to yourself, or rather, ask the necessary questions. and, for being the opposite gender, you don't necessarily need to have a specific body. If you can't resist to this sensation despite the spiritual and mental work with an open mind, you are like that. Make just sure it is not a blockage. Femininity or masculinity starts from within you, not just from dresses and other gender expressions. You have all the right to identify as you want, as long as it makes you feel good with yourself and it's your true identity. If you have problems, never keep them inside. you are valid and nobody can tell you what you are. and if you love yourself, this is the most beautiful thing. here someone can tell you that you will never be this or that other. just listen to your true self. detach yourself from lgbt community, if you follow them. unlike what marxist lgbt says, gender is not a social construct. so, it is not something just about dresses, makeups etc. so, clear your mind and whatever gender of two you identify as, love yourself

 

[Alt123]

i think that watching how you are structured physically, for trying "repressing" yourself, is worse, if you are sure you are like that. of course, maybe you can try to ask yourself "do I really feel the lack of a feminine body, or simply hate my body for another reason"? I suggest to not to ask so much questions to yourself, or rather, ask the necessary questions. and, for being the opposite gender, you don't necessarily need to have a specific body. If you can't resist to this sensation despite the spiritual and mental work with an open mind, you are like that. Make just sure it is not a blockage. Femininity or masculinity starts from within you, not just from dresses and other gender expressions. You have all the right to identify as you want, as long as it makes you feel good with yourself and it's your true identity. If you have problems, never keep them inside. you are valid and nobody can tell you what you are. and if you love yourself, this is the most beautiful thing. here someone can tell you that you will never be this or that other. just listen to your true self. detach yourself from lgbt community, if you follow them. unlike what marxist lgbt says, gender is not a social construct. so, it is not something just about dresses, makeups etc. so, clear your mind and whatever gender of two you identify as, love yourself

When you put it in such a simple way, I'm reminded just how much I tend to overthink these things. Through spiritual growth, I overcame a lot of trauma and insecurities and was able to experience many new things, and because of that I understand a lot better now what I'm like. But as a logical-minded person, what bothered me was that I don't understand "why" I'm this way; and it has always been a bit difficult for me to accept things I don't understand. I think that's why I struggled for such a long time to accept myself.

But lately, I've realised that whether or not I understand doesn't change the reality that I have to deal with. I also felt frustrated that some people assume all sorts of things about me that I know to be false, but in the end, it's not like their opinions change my situation either. To accept myself also means to accept my desire to change. I reincarnated into this body that came with a male/intersex phenotype and female self-image because it perfectly matched the problems I wasn't able to overcome yet in my past lives; it's karma. But that doesn't mean I should just try to ignore those problems. Rather, I need to make progress with what I started back then.

Why? Because being stuck in the middle, like the way I was born, and the way one part of my body still is now, only torments me. If I'm a man then I can't be fully a woman, and if I'm a woman then I can't be fully a man; so if I'm both, then that means I can't be either, and I'll be incomplete. I just want to be congruent, resonating with my own being. That is why I have to change until that is the case.
In the end, I just need to do what works best for me, based on my own experience.

Things like fashion helped me open up more socially, and things like hormone therapy helped me feel a lot better about my body, and meditation and my partner's kindness that helped me overcome the insecurities that still remained, as I realised I was really worried about nothing anyway when it comes to a lot of things. What I've gradually come to realise is that it's not a matter of becoming one thing or the other, but a matter of solving a problem. Other people's lack of understanding, or even my own lack of understanding sometimes, doesn't actually change what the problem is or how I can improve the situation for myself. I just have to do what I can.

Even so, I sometimes wish that more people would understand my perspective. That's why I wrote about it, even if it may be in vain.
That said, I feel like you understand these things better than most people. Thank you for your kind and positive words.

 

[Reed]

i think that watching how you are structured physically, for trying "repressing" yourself, is worse, if you are sure you are like that. of course, maybe you can try to ask yourself "do I really feel the lack of a feminine body, or simply hate my body for another reason"? I suggest to not to ask so much questions to yourself, or rather, ask the necessary questions. and, for being the opposite gender, you don't necessarily need to have a specific body. If you can't resist to this sensation despite the spiritual and mental work with an open mind, you are like that. Make just sure it is not a blockage. Femininity or masculinity starts from within you, not just from dresses and other gender expressions. You have all the right to identify as you want, as long as it makes you feel good with yourself and it's your true identity. If you have problems, never keep them inside. you are valid and nobody can tell you what you are. and if you love yourself, this is the most beautiful thing. here someone can tell you that you will never be this or that other. just listen to your true self. detach yourself from lgbt community, if you follow them. unlike what marxist lgbt says, gender is not a social construct. so, it is not something just about dresses, makeups etc. so, clear your mind and whatever gender of two you identify as, love yourself

When you put it in such a simple way, I'm reminded just how much I tend to overthink these things. Through spiritual growth, I overcame a lot of trauma and insecurities and was able to experience many new things, and because of that I understand a lot better now what I'm like. But as a logical-minded person, what bothered me was that I don't understand "why" I'm this way; and it has always been a bit difficult for me to accept things I don't understand. I think that's why I struggled for such a long time to accept myself.

But lately, I've realised that whether or not I understand doesn't change the reality that I have to deal with. I also felt frustrated that some people assume all sorts of things about me that I know to be false, but in the end, it's not like their opinions change my situation either. To accept myself also means to accept my desire to change. I reincarnated into this body that came with a male/intersex phenotype and female self-image because it perfectly matched the problems I wasn't able to overcome yet in my past lives; it's karma. But that doesn't mean I should just try to ignore those problems. Rather, I need to make progress with what I started back then.

Why? Because being stuck in the middle, like the way I was born, and the way one part of my body still is now, only torments me. If I'm a man then I can't be fully a woman, and if I'm a woman then I can't be fully a man; so if I'm both, then that means I can't be either, and I'll be incomplete. I just want to be congruent, resonating with my own being. That is why I have to change until that is the case.
In the end, I just need to do what works best for me, based on my own experience.

Things like fashion helped me open up more socially, and things like hormone therapy helped me feel a lot better about my body, and meditation and my partner's kindness that helped me overcome the insecurities that still remained, as I realised I was really worried about nothing anyway when it comes to a lot of things. What I've gradually come to realise is that it's not a matter of becoming one thing or the other, but a matter of solving a problem. Other people's lack of understanding, or even my own lack of understanding sometimes, doesn't actually change what the problem is or how I can improve the situation for myself. I just have to do what I can.

Even so, I sometimes wish that more people would understand my perspective. That's why I wrote about it, even if it may be in vain.
That said, I feel like you understand these things better than most people. Thank you for your kind and positive words.

i'll be direct. i haven't said it yet here, i'm twin soul. i don't want to be seen as a non-twin soul person who thinks that knows what twin soul/trans people experience.

what do you mean on "why"? on being trans/twin soul or biologically different? i ask myself too on the first, that's why sometimes i have internalized transphobia, even if it is temporary. i go to the conclusion that also here, we need acceptance of ourselves. acceptance of our condition. even if we don't know precisely what it is, the most important thing is that we did everything to remove every blockage. every person is different. "fully a woman or man" doesn't matter. i understand we have the lack of the body, but you are always you, without your body or not.. it is not a problem if you identify as you are, without the body you need if it isn't scientifically possible (example surgery who doesn't give a true vag and mutilates body). doesn't matter if gender should be linked to the body. if this condition persists and, again, you did everything to remove blockages, you are like that. i'm really happy that you feel better and you are advancing. true, just do what you can do. don't overdo. do what your Soul wants. Soul has the answers.. you can always write your thoughts here..

anyway, did you read the Twin Soul sermon? it can help:
https://archive.md/FbbLz

 

[Alt123]

...

i'll be direct. i haven't said it yet here, i'm twin soul. i don't want to be seen as a non-twin soul person who thinks that knows what twin soul/trans people experience.

what do you mean on "why"? on being trans/twin soul or biologically different? i ask myself too on the first, that's why sometimes i have internalized transphobia, even if it is temporary. i go to the conclusion that also here, we need acceptance of ourselves. acceptance of our condition. even if we don't know precisely what it is, the most important thing is that we did everything to remove every blockage. every person is different. "fully a woman or man" doesn't matter. i understand we have the lack of the body, but you are always you, without your body or not.. it is not a problem if you identify as you are, without the body you need if it isn't scientifically possible (example surgery who doesn't give a true vag and mutilates body). doesn't matter if gender should be linked to the body. if this condition persists and, again, you did everything to remove blockages, you are like that. i'm really happy that you feel better and you are advancing. true, just do what you can do. don't overdo. do what your Soul wants. Soul has the answers.. you can always write your thoughts here..

anyway, did you read the Twin Soul sermon? it can help:
https://archive.md/FbbLz

I did read it before, but it was written by Mageson who was later exposed to be an infiltrator so I don't know how seriously to take it. But even besides that, that Twin Soul stuff never felt right to me personally. It could be that I just misunderstand it, but I know plenty of women who have a strong masculine side and men who have a strong feminine side, and embrace both sides. Most of them are happy with their body and seem like perfectly normal people to me. The duality between masculinity and femininity is something that I believe exists in all humans, and it's just a matter of how they're expressed in each individual based on various factors. Since I believe this duality exists within every singular Soul, I don't really understand what makes Twin Soul people different.

Last year not long after I finished a Sun square for spiritual empowerment and health, it felt like something opened up, and for several days my Sacral Chakra was flooded with a bright, warm golden light like the Sun; it had a very masculine feeling to it. I suddenly felt repulsed by the idea of having sex in a submissive manner and just taking it like I usually do, and got feelings of wanting to be more dominant sexually. Instead of feeling self-conscious for being tall because I thought it made me look less feminine, I began to feel very proud of it because it makes me look more imposing. I was slightly scared because things I took for granted were suddenly changing so much, but I realised it was because a blockage had been cleared, so I decided to embrace it as a part of who I really am.

After a few days the flow of energy calmed down and I got more used to it, and the changes settled in a balanced manner. Since then I've felt more energetic, more confident about my body, and I have way more libido. And yet, my astral body still remains fully female. Even so, I decided to explore my sexuality more after all with my partner, because I started to wonder if I could be both sexes instead of striving to be just female. I found is that I still prefer having a partner who is more masculine than me like before, but I'm no longer afraid to show my manly side here and there or self-conscious about every trait I have that could be considered masculine.

Since I have both a male and a female body, and I'm capable of astral bilocation meaning I can use both at the same time if I choose to, I decided to try achieving an orgasm with both genitals at the same time to see what it's like. The result was pain. First a sharp pain, and then a dull pain in my Sacral Chakra that persisted for several days, like it was damaged. Although it was unpleasant, it helped me understand the true nature of my problem better. It's not a matter of not accepting myself or my physical body, but it's a direct consequence of the discrepancy between my physical and astral forms. It hurt because the opposing vibrations dissonantly cancelled each other out, like clashing against each other and tearing me apart. That's the true nature of my problem, and why I need to change.

What I've also come to realise is that this isn't just a problem with my mind or Soul, but with my body. I mentioned before that the astral and the physical are deeply connected, especially when it comes to things like this. It's my very body - this physical body - that was shaped male but "mapped" like a female body. It's because of this physical body that my astral form is female, since both forms are part of it. It may be because of my karma from past lives that I reincarnated into a body like this, but it's clear to me now that anyone else who reincarnated into this body would've had the same problem, even if they might've tried to handle it differently.

If being Twin Soul makes sense to you, that's fine and I'm happy for you that you figured out who you are and found peace with it. But I can't see myself in that kind of way. Even now that I embrace both my masculine and feminine sides, trying to be both male and female at the same time just tears me apart. I can only be one, and between the two, I know which feels right to me and which I want to be. But what I am isn't so important in the end; as we've both said, just being myself is enough. What's much more important to me is to solve the problems I've been facing: the problems caused by the discrepancies between my bodies. And to solve those problems, everything doesn't need to be perfect; it just needs to be good enough. For now, surgery is good enough for me.
I don't think it would change what I am, that isn't the point. I'm only doing it because I know the pros outweigh the cons for me.

I'm sorry if that's not the answer you wanted to hear. But it's the answer that's right for me, even if it may be wrong for someone else.
That aside, I agree with you on the importance of self-acceptance even if there are things we don't understand yet, and the importance of overcoming blockages. I've been meditating for almost two years now, which may be a relatively short time, but even in that time I've grown so much as a person and become much happier and stronger mentally. Many negative feelings that used to eat away at my mind have just vanished completely. I'll forever be grateful for everything Satan and our Gods and Goddesses have given to humanity.

 

[Alt123]

very cute story, thank you for that. youre a good writer, the perfect mix between dramatic and stoic.

yes i replied to you, but i dont think the mods wanted me to write that or something.

I wondered if it was uncalled for to write so much, but I just felt like reminiscing the good and bad moments of my time growing up, and figured I'd share it in case anyone was interested. Since you enjoyed reading it, I'm glad I shared it.

It seems your reply went through this time. I read it all but I have some things to do now, but I'll try to reply later today if I have time!
I just want you to know that I don't judge you for anything you wrote, and don't think you're weird or anything.

also i saw a vision of a pretty girl/ boy with puffy chin length black hair and they came with the face of a Bengal tiger in a way.

wonder who that could be xD

What a coincidence. YouTube recently recommended a soundtrack of an anime to me, which I've been listening to a lot because I think the composition is really interesting. The piano melody is very simple and repetitive, but the xylophone and woodblocks that come in later really make it shine. Have a look at the cover art for the album it's from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bT28ja1-xrA

I did have hair around that length for most of my life, although I grew it out when I was 15 years old. Nowadays I look more like the woman I hallucinated about when I was 5 and 13 years old. She used to be someone I looked up to, but nowadays it feels kind of like she was me all along, as some part of my subconsciousness. She also slightly resembles my Guardian though, so I'm unsure.

 

[SouthernWhiteGentile]

internalized transphobia,

Don’t use Judeo-newspeak babble words and phrases like this please.

 

[Alt123]

i love that you use bjarkan for this. i noticed masculine power is hot and dry and gets corrupted and connects to dross very easily.as opposed to feminine power is cool and soft and everything slips off of it. i did bjarkan and moon squares and such, for feminization of the bones and butt. its protective nature was great for staying pure, but not great for increasing power or brightness. i also tried biokinesis for eyes and hair but unfortunately its very tough.

I think it can go either way in regards to the purity of masculine/feminine energy. Ideally, the masculine energy burns the dross away while the feminine energy deflects it and washes it away, but if there are problems then it can be as though the masculine energy kindles the dirt while the feminine energy carries and spreads it subtly it like poison.

If it feels like masculine energy specifically gets corrupted and connects to dross easily, then that may be a matter of the masculine energy within you (which may go unnoticed if it's trapped) already being dirty to begin with, and when you invoke more it connects to that causing you to become aware of it. Considering the rough childhood you mentioned, I think that might be the case here.

It can be a bit overwhelming if you unblock it all at once while it's still dirty, making it difficult to deal with it properly. That's why I recommend bringing little bits of it to the surface at a time, taking your time to fully clean and overcome it before you start working on the next part. In more concrete terms, try to break down your childhood trauma into different parts that are small enough for you to handle, so that you're able to stay calm in spite of it. That way you can face it properly and heal from it as you find answers.

For me, the above is something that happened gradually as I cleansed my aura and did yoga regularly and consistently.
High Priestess Maxine has written about this process before as well:

...
One should clean one's aura daily. This is done by visualizing a brilliant white light like the Sun sweeping from the top of one's head to one's feet.

What happens with this is after a cleaning, more spiritual dirt, so-called "karma" and so forth come to the surface from present and past lives. This is why it's so important to stay on top of cleaning our auras on a daily basis, as this spiritual dirt will not get a chance to manifest into reality. It can take anywhere from one to several days for what is on the aura to manifest into reality; an event in one's life.

Cleaning the aura can take between one and two years of consistent daily cleanings. Positive affirmations should be stated 3 times or so following the cleaning, such as "I am always safe, secure and protected in every way and at all times.

When stating affirmations like the one above, it is important to feel your aura and soul. Tune into feeling your aura and soul and focus while reciting the affirmations.

After your aura becomes clean, then it's time to work on one chakra at a time, cleaning it with the light scanning from the wide part to the tapered tip. This can be done anywhere from 5 to 25 or more times.

Only work on one chakra at a time until it is clean, then go onto another. Don't work on more than one. This must be done daily in order to prevent more astral dirt which surfaces from getting a foothold in reality.

You will more than likely see all kinds of nasties coming off your aura and chakras. Chains are bindings and obstacles for one.

Always remember, we save our own souls and that lying filthy trash about that worthless Nazarene saving anyone was corrupted from the kundalini serpent. The truth is your own serpentine energy when applied will save you and also protect you.

http://www.satanslibrary.org/ExposingCh ... hrist.html


High Priestess Maxine Dietrich

(Source: https://www.ancient-forums.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=13390&p=51924)

In my experience, the Sun's energy provides warmth and energy and is great for empowerment and healing, while the Moon's energy soothes, provides stability and deflects negative energy. They shine the brightest when they come together.

As for biokinesis, I've attempted it before, somewhat recklessly (I was inexperienced and lacked control, so it caused several problematic side effects and I had to give up on it for the time being). Some things are definitely much more easy to change than others. In particular, what I've had success with is changing the properties of soft tissues such as skin. I find that it's simply a matter of changing the way the genes are expressed in the revelant cells, leading to direct results. Other things such as changing the shape of body parts or improving eyesight can be much more difficult, because those are the way they are due to permanent changes that happened throughout one's lifetime. There are no genes that directly affect them anymore in adulthood, and as a result they can only be changed indirectly. That extra layer of complexity definitely adds a lot more friction, making it require much more energy and control in order to do it safely and successfully, at least in my experience.

That is also why I intend to rely on surgery for changing the shape of my physical genitalia, as opposed to doing it myself using biokinesis, which would require gradually and manually killing an immense amount of cells while enduring the discomfort and soreness the entire time, hoping I don't accidentally make myself unable to urinate during the intermediate stages and die, then attempting to regrow much of it in other places. If it's going to be that hectic either way, then surgery seems like the safer, faster and more reliable way to go about it, at least with my current abilities. It'll still be difficult in different ways, but I'm prepared for that.

also i love that you sing too, i personally like to do voices. i like to do impressions of tough manly charaters and then switch really fast to a cutesy girly one. i find myself very funny personally but it annoys the hell out of everyone else xD ive definitely got a long way to go. one song that i love is the one from jojos where ceasar gets pancaked "Il mare eterno nella mia anima" pretty opera style. i also tried my hand at piano, but my other hand didnt seem interested. hand independence and illiteracy to sheet music made this tough. i have been thinking of starting digital art again, there's nothing like the feeling of getting positive feedback from people. if youve got any pieces you have saved id love to see them

I used to be uncomfortable with using the deeper parts of my voice, but my brother kept nagging me about it years ago because he thought it might be funny. When I gave it a try it cracked him up so much that I started to see the humour in it too.

Lately I've been trying to specialize the range of my voice using magick, since for singing the higher notes are more important to me. As a result I can't properly use the deepest parts anymore, but I'm fine with that as I've gained more range on the higher end. But I'll admit that I had a lot of fun back in the day surprising my brother with my comedic timing.

I still have a long way to go with singing too. I have a lot of range, but properly controlling my voice when I go that high is still a bit difficult for me. That's been getting better the more I practice, though.

I've already shared the things I've made in other places, so I can't share it here unfortunately for privacy/safety reasons. But yeah, receiving compliments for my art or music always feels great.

i find it very funny when people say they love mathematics, my ex friend used to always try to get me to advance in math alongside him so he had a friend to talk about it with. he was the smartest, but unfortunately he was an intellectual type. no desire for the martial or spiritual learning. and he liked jews more than me unfortunately. i love learning math, but i hated the school atmosphere. i think school ruined math for me lol. but yeah i know its a huge stereotype that every trans girl is a coder, i am certainly very jealous that you have such discipline. i was almost conned into it by a girl from canada who said she would move me out and be my master (teach me coding and otherwise lol).

I've always liked numbers. When my parents taught me how to count, I would always enthusiastically ask them what the next number is. One time when I was 5 or 6, I counted to some ridiculous number like 2500, simply because I was fascinated that there was always another number after each one and that it never ended. And don't even get me started on irrational numbers...

As an adult I've somewhat forgotten those little joys, because there are many things in this world that are much more important and realer than just numbers. Nowadays, mathematics is just a tool for me to understand concrete problems better, as well as optimizing solutions; it comes in extremely handy at times. But back in my childhood and teenage years, I could delve into it endlessly and explore it like it was some kind of infinite world full of abstract truths that require logic and creativity alike to be found. Once I've sorted out some more important things and if I have time left, I may consider studying mathematics just for the fun of it.

Regarding the stereotypes, I'm not very good at making friends with people who are trans, as I find that a lot of them are a bit weird. The only one I'm currently acquainted with is a female-to-male trans person who is a friend of a friend, but he's incredibly masochistic as well as a furry and it weirds me out a bit. Other than that he seems like a chill and fun person though. I've known some male-to-female ones too, but a lot of them were too mentally unstable for me to be comfortable around them, and I kind of clashed with them in a several ways because I see certain things differently. And then there's also people for whom it seems to be little more than some sort of sexual fetish or political activism, or those who act like entitled narcissists and try to force others to act a certain way towards them... I can't stand people like that. I assume I don't need to give any examples with how much those degenerates stand out.

As for why such stereotypes occur in the first place, I think it's people who are a bit unusual in the first place that are more likely to have a rough childhood, and then that rough childhood may lead them to want to change. Because of all the difficulties they face in the process, they tend to develop all sorts of mental problems by the time they reach adulthood, and that then takes time to grow out of. Some don't grow out of it at all though, and just stay in their strange ways for years.

Aside from that, I prefer surrounding myself with more normal people. I find that just trying to live a normal life helps me heal. But I think for people who don't look as much like the sex they identify as, it can be more difficult. In trying to find friends who understand, some of them surround themselves with many people with similar problems; but I think on the long run that just makes things worse as they tend to be a negative influence on each other, you know?

as for why im personally like this, ( i know you didnt ask dont hate me plz) i had a sexual awakening really early in about second grade or so and i had a pretty perverted and childish idea of being what i thought was a sexy girl. which was obviously just a little girl my age i had a crush on or admired or whatever. and i started like, secret crossdressing with clothes that didnt fit me from then on.one time my mom was giving me a bath when i was like 5 maybe and my dad smacked my head pretty bad for looking at her naked xD i genuinely think that fucked my brain up. also they made me wear diapers when i was way too old it was really humiliating and its one of the memories that haunt me still. i literally wet the bed bc my dad would come home and spank me and terrify me every other night over bullshit that happened during the day. also just generally getting pounded on or emotionally abused for talking, or standing up for myself or isolating myself, bad grades, looking at my dad the wrong way, just basically any form of expression or human behavior at all. not to mention when i tried wearing make up :l lots of running away and a little cutting the wrists of course. generally lots of pathetic trauma. it feels incredibly freeing to be someone else

Telling yourself that your trauma is pathetic doesn't make it affect you any less. I realised that recently when talking to someone else about how some seemingly minor things in my childhood still affected me a lot while growing up. The things you went through clearly affected you a lot, so you need to take it seriously and do your best to properly heal from it.

I understand very well that it may be a bit early for you to see it this way: but you don't need to be someone else. Unlike how your dad made you feel, you're fine the way you are. There is nothing wrong with you, but there is something wrong with your dad for the way he abused you. Even if you lose control over your emotions sometimes and act rashly, I'm sure that's also just because of what you've been through. It's fine to change how you look if that makes you happier, and you've mentioned that the hormone therapy is affecting you positively too. But regardless of that, I want you to know that you're you, and that that's enough. That's all you need to be.

In other words... always do things because you want to do them, not just for the sake of trying to become someone else. I may have changed a lot myself, but I'm glad that I know that in spite of it all I'm still me. If I didn't, I would just feel lost.

i was always very obedient and knew how to avoid any issue but it really was out of my control. took a toll on me for sure and i think i developed a pretty shit plan for escaping and making life better. which for better or worse never happened, not for lack of me trying of course. looking back on it i was always a sweet and girly boy and im very regretful i couldn't have been cultivated into a beautiful happy man. either way i wasnt normal to begin with but i certainly did try my best, it just wasnt my fate or something like that.

I have no regard for things like fate anyway. Even if at times there is not a shred of hope left for me, I will continue to fight until I'm successfully prevented from continuing. I can see the future to an extent, but I know the outcome still depends on my actions. Knowing that, how could I ever forgive myself for not giving absolutely everything to succeed in what I believe is right?

Because of that kind of mentality, I have relentlessly heaped so much energy on my desires in past lives that some of them have turned into things that I can no longer control. However, letting those things to manifest is not my "fate"; it is my will.

Don't let your fate decide your future. Let your will decide your fate. Whether that is to become a beautiful happy man, or to become a beautiful happy woman, or to just be yourself and be happy that way; you get to choose what you strive towards. You get to choose what you want to give your all for. That's what I believe in.

While it's important to be realistic, it isn't good to give up on things that are truly important to you. You first need to know yourself in order to know what's important, though. For that, there's meditation.

ive been thinking hard lately about the surgery, i dont know what the hell i should do honestly
it personally makes me feel scared and squeamish. i saw the suporn doctor from thailand was a real expert and did an amazing job, but that person retired and that's rather discouraging. im considering simply getting orchi, but i dont know if that somethings i would be aesthetically okay with even though the benefits are great. the novely of being a pretty boy is pretty much all ive got, nobody would ever fall for me being a girl. i feel like if i do the future of the world would be removed from me. like i would have no place in anything at all anymore. but also that i could be freely myself.or maybe be free from my self. very tough decision, i dont really know

It absolutely isn't something you should do if you're unsure about it or squeamish. While these things do get much better after the initial recovery and the satisfaction rates are very high even with Western surgeons (which also don't have the downside of not being able to get help or a follow-up if complications occur after going back home from Thailand), the way that stuff initially looks isn't for the light-hearted. Post-surgery depression is extremely common even for people who don't regret doing it, and the aftercare requires a lot of discipline to say the least. It's also common for people who did it for the wrong reasons to neglect it, leading to botched results.

At the very least, regardless of which surgeon you would choose, it's not something you should take lightly. It's also not something you should do for the sake of trying to become someone else, because even after the surgery you'll still be you and you'll be stuck with that body. When it comes down to it, what matters first and foremost is that you're comfortable with your body for your own sake. For now, I think there are still plenty of other things that are much more likely to help you with that. I wish you good luck.

im looking forward to when you start taking your empowerment to a more serious level. you've got a great upfront kind of honesty in you, i feel like you're the kind of person who could always know the right thing to do. very lawful and present

a balance unshakable as a sea foam sequoia
with roots to grasp and room to sway
nourished wholly by the breeze

if bleaching life from sun may reach
gold kissed eyes your hope may leech
smaragdine fur of a long limbed Samaritan
arousing love for ivory bared again

hailing land which some may travel
making home were one may dabble
venom pillars all day fall
let come to night your light stands tall

Thank you for the compliments, and the poem. I enjoyed reading it.

 

[Reed]

...

i'll be direct. i haven't said it yet here, i'm twin soul. i don't want to be seen as a non-twin soul person who thinks that knows what twin soul/trans people experience.

what do you mean on "why"? on being trans/twin soul or biologically different? i ask myself too on the first, that's why sometimes i have internalized transphobia, even if it is temporary. i go to the conclusion that also here, we need acceptance of ourselves. acceptance of our condition. even if we don't know precisely what it is, the most important thing is that we did everything to remove every blockage. every person is different. "fully a woman or man" doesn't matter. i understand we have the lack of the body, but you are always you, without your body or not.. it is not a problem if you identify as you are, without the body you need if it isn't scientifically possible (example surgery who doesn't give a true vag and mutilates body). doesn't matter if gender should be linked to the body. if this condition persists and, again, you did everything to remove blockages, you are like that. i'm really happy that you feel better and you are advancing. true, just do what you can do. don't overdo. do what your Soul wants. Soul has the answers.. you can always write your thoughts here..

anyway, did you read the Twin Soul sermon? it can help:
https://archive.md/FbbLz

I did read it before, but it was written by Mageson who was later exposed to be an infiltrator so I don't know how seriously to take it. But even besides that, that Twin Soul stuff never felt right to me personally. It could be that I just misunderstand it, but I know plenty of women who have a strong masculine side and men who have a strong feminine side, and embrace both sides. Most of them are happy with their body and seem like perfectly normal people to me. The duality between masculinity and femininity is something that I believe exists in all humans, and it's just a matter of how they're expressed in each individual based on various factors. Since I believe this duality exists within every singular Soul, I don't really understand what makes Twin Soul people different.

Last year not long after I finished a Sun square for spiritual empowerment and health, it felt like something opened up, and for several days my Sacral Chakra was flooded with a bright, warm golden light like the Sun; it had a very masculine feeling to it. I suddenly felt repulsed by the idea of having sex in a submissive manner and just taking it like I usually do, and got feelings of wanting to be more dominant sexually. Instead of feeling self-conscious for being tall because I thought it made me look less feminine, I began to feel very proud of it because it makes me look more imposing. I was slightly scared because things I took for granted were suddenly changing so much, but I realised it was because a blockage had been cleared, so I decided to embrace it as a part of who I really am.

After a few days the flow of energy calmed down and I got more used to it, and the changes settled in a balanced manner. Since then I've felt more energetic, more confident about my body, and I have way more libido. And yet, my astral body still remains fully female. Even so, I decided to explore my sexuality more after all with my partner, because I started to wonder if I could be both sexes instead of striving to be just female. I found is that I still prefer having a partner who is more masculine than me like before, but I'm no longer afraid to show my manly side here and there or self-conscious about every trait I have that could be considered masculine.

Since I have both a male and a female body, and I'm capable of astral bilocation meaning I can use both at the same time if I choose to, I decided to try achieving an orgasm with both genitals at the same time to see what it's like. The result was pain. First a sharp pain, and then a dull pain in my Sacral Chakra that persisted for several days, like it was damaged. Although it was unpleasant, it helped me understand the true nature of my problem better. It's not a matter of not accepting myself or my physical body, but it's a direct consequence of the discrepancy between my physical and astral forms. It hurt because the opposing vibrations dissonantly cancelled each other out, like clashing against each other and tearing me apart. That's the true nature of my problem, and why I need to change.

What I've also come to realise is that this isn't just a problem with my mind or Soul, but with my body. I mentioned before that the astral and the physical are deeply connected, especially when it comes to things like this. It's my very body - this physical body - that was shaped male but "mapped" like a female body. It's because of this physical body that my astral form is female, since both forms are part of it. It may be because of my karma from past lives that I reincarnated into a body like this, but it's clear to me now that anyone else who reincarnated into this body would've had the same problem, even if they might've tried to handle it differently.

If being Twin Soul makes sense to you, that's fine and I'm happy for you that you figured out who you are and found peace with it. But I can't see myself in that kind of way. Even now that I embrace both my masculine and feminine sides, trying to be both male and female at the same time just tears me apart. I can only be one, and between the two, I know which feels right to me and which I want to be. But what I am isn't so important in the end; as we've both said, just being myself is enough. What's much more important to me is to solve the problems I've been facing: the problems caused by the discrepancies between my bodies. And to solve those problems, everything doesn't need to be perfect; it just needs to be good enough. For now, surgery is good enough for me.
I don't think it would change what I am, that isn't the point. I'm only doing it because I know the pros outweigh the cons for me.

I'm sorry if that's not the answer you wanted to hear. But it's the answer that's right for me, even if it may be wrong for someone else.
That aside, I agree with you on the importance of self-acceptance even if there are things we don't understand yet, and the importance of overcoming blockages. I've been meditating for almost two years now, which may be a relatively short time, but even in that time I've grown so much as a person and become much happier and stronger mentally. Many negative feelings that used to eat away at my mind have just vanished completely. I'll forever be grateful for everything Satan and our Gods and Goddesses have given to humanity.

just for precising: there are Mageson's sermons yet in the forum. not everything he wrote was wrong/corrupted. no, for me it's not wrong if you do surgery, it was just a my opinion. if this makes you feel better, i'm glad. "good enough" is the right term as you said, because it is not an attachment, but just adding something that you find beneficial. but i haven't specified it, i'm sorry. what really matters is your inner peace. i'm again glad to hear that you've grown spiritually.
I'm not entirely in agreement with twin soul concept either, even if in native-american concept is "two spirits" but those are just terms. but something like for example "Ishtar is also the Goddess of those people" is real and not from Mageson. i'm sorry again for misunderstood. afterall, feminine and masculine are energies and we have to balance them. i personally am just one too anyway, in regard to twin soul. i think Mageson meant "a male body with a female soul" aka twin soul concept, even if i'm not in harmony with this. but i linked it to you just for the explanation of the ancient times. i haven't specified that either. i'm sorry

 

[Reed]

internalized transphobia,

Don’t use Judeo-newspeak babble words and phrases like this please.

I didn't know what to call this feeling rip

 

[Reed]

xxy must be strange, if i may ask are you an only child? also your mothers first by chance.
in any case, whats your body like? you say you look like a woman, but you only have female genitals astrally
what are your interests, do you like to compete, do you like art. if you genuinely have no creative outlets then thats fine too, the vast majority of people, women in particular have none.

so basically youre very cute and feminine and when you see yourself in your minds eye you see a girl?
based on what you wrote you sound like you are feeling optimistic, but you dont seem happy or at peace.

if youre okay sharing, how old are you, and whats your best mediation. i have some tips that ive used to become athletic with great success, i would get many compliments from strangers and even old friends who cast me out, if thats something youre looking for. id like to know why youre comparing yourself to studies about others, or thinking youre not mentally okay.

ignore the dummies and please tell me what hardships youre facing currently.

I want to answer all of your questions properly and in full, so my reply might get a bit long. Just so you know in advance.

I have an older brother, so I'm my mother's second. Klinefelter/XXY usually doesn't have many symptoms before puberty, although in my case I did have some motor coordination problems when I was 4 years old which I was able to overcome with the help of a physiotherapist, and a slight abnormality on my genitals since birth although it's completely harmless and didn't require any surgery (there are two lines on the bottom side forming a pattern that somewhat resembles a yoni, and the skin in-between is a bit different).

Most boys with Klinefelter syndrome find out they have it during puberty, because they see a doctor after developing breast buds and not developing more masculine features. They tend to compare themselves to other boys and feel insecure about their body, and are usually prescribed testosterone so that they can look more masculine. Meanwhile, I was feeling insecure because my breasts weren't growing as much as the other girls, and by the time I went to see a doctor, I was asking for puberty blockers and estrogen. It took a few years before I was allowed to use them due to the protocol for it being so complicated where I live, but fortunately (most likely due to my condition) my body didn't become much more masculine during that time, even though I was 17 years old already.

Interestingly, when the doctor examined me, he did mention to my mom that I had symptoms of Klinefelter and suggested to test for it, giving my unusually long arms as an example. My mom said it was probably just a coincidence since she has long arms too, and I misunderstood the conversation and said I like having long arms because I can reach quite far. The doctor was just like "whatever" and dropped the topic. That's why I only recently became aware that I have the condition by coincidence.

As for my body, I'm rather tall, but also have a very slender frame (my shoulders are less wide than my mother's) and relatively wide hips, as well as a feminine face. Even when I was still attending school as a boy and before starting any treatment, other kids often assumed I wore makeup and teased me for it, even though that's just how I looked naturally. Although they didn't seem to believe me when I said I wasn't wearing any, I figured I might as well just take it as a compliment.

My voice did become deeper during puberty, which I was sad about since I wanted to be an opera singer. In fact, I was so sad about it that I couldn't accept it, and practiced so much that my vocal range is about 4 octaves now, and the range is still gradually increasing to this day, with me being able to reach higher pitches and have more control over my voice each year. As such, I'm still holding out hope that I'll be able to sing freely someday if I keep practicing. And thanks to how flexible my voice is now, I'm able to sound like a normal woman without even trying anymore. According to my partner I sound very cute, which helps my self-esteem.

As for hormone replacement therapy, I'm very happy with the changes it caused to my body, especially how much it made my breasts grow. I'm very happy about their size now, and it's fun to use them to entice my partner. Other than that, the hormones make me feel different somehow; like they have a slight soothing effect, whereas testosterone felt very wrong to me. I used to think that was just in my head, but another member on these forums who was diagnosed with PCOS also mentioned that when her body was producing testosterone, it felt like she wasn't herself, and that taking a low dose of birth control (estrogen + progestin, which also blocks the testosterone production) fixed that; besides fixing many other problems, she also just felt different. You mentioned you feel better since starting hormone therapy as well, so I'm starting to think that there's a pattern and that it's not just a placebo effect after all.


Now that I'm done with the topic of what my body is like, I'll move on to your other questions.

In regards to creative outlets, besides singing I also enjoy composing instrumental music (usually piano) and sometimes I draw, but I don't do it often enough to be really good at it. I also enjoy writing fanfiction or poems sometimes.

Besides creative outlets, my interests include playing video games, reading manga and mathematics. My interest in mathematics also led to an interest in programming, as it allowed me to run simulations to understand mathematical problems better. I think it might be fun to try developing a game again sometime (I added some gameplay to a simulation before when I was 13 years old and it got really popular), but I find it a bit difficult to stick to a big project for long enough to finish it.


Besides what I see in my mind's eye, I've also always had a feeling of being a girl/woman that I couldn't explain properly. Something like what sex you are isn't an emotion, so "a feeling" is a rather confusing way to put it. However, I've since figured out what it really means and where it comes from for me.
People are always aware of their body, even their internal organs to an extent. If any part of their body, even internally, is inflamed or otherwise unhealthy, people will generally be able to feel that. A person's genitals are also a part of their awareness.
In my case, I've always been simultaneously aware of two bodies: my physical body, and another which is fully female. That has been the case for as long as I remember, and seems to be the cause of my sexual confusion.

The above also ties into my sexuality. Physically, I've tried anything I could think of in order to find sexual satisfaction, but I found none. No matter what I tried, it always felt like something was missing. I knew what was missing: I wanted to have vaginal sex and be on the receiving end of it. I hoped that maybe if I got surgery then I would be able to enjoy sex after that, but with the results being so mixed, I wasn't completely sure about it since it could be disappointing and painful. I also wondered if I was perverted for wanting something like that in the first place, as I couldn't make any sense of it when the only body I could clearly see at the time was male down there.

When I found the JoS and started meditating and dedicated, I was quick to overcome most of my trauma related to my sex from this lifetime, causing me to feel much better about my body and curing the social anxiety that I struggled with for a long time. But my sexuality still remained the same, and I didn't understand why, because I had assumed that the reason I wasn't able to enjoy sexual things was because I felt ashamed of my body. But even with the shame gone, nothing had changed, and I still wanted the same thing.
Feeling confused about it, I tried asking my Guardian Demoness (who often visited me to help me along when I was new to this path) why my sexuality is the way it is, and entered a trance awaiting Her explanation. I felt Her moving closer to me, and then She touched me (not in a lewd way, but more to prove a point), inserting Her finger briefly before moving away again. I felt it so incredibly vividly, as though it was real, even though it involved body parts I don't physically have. Putting my flustered feelings aside, I understood in that moment what my astral body was like. And since it felt nice even though it was so brief, I became curious about having sex astrally.

About 9 months later, I had learned how to do it with my partner. Even though I had sex in such a plain manner, it was the first thing to ever satisfy me, and as I got more used to it, it started to feel mind-blowingly amazing. I'd say it has been a healing experience for me, as it has helped me overcome many of my insecurities, and even just the pleasure is so much that it makes the horrible memories that gnaw at my sanity sometimes feel irrelevant. However, it has also made me more in tune with my astral body, which has caused a problem. The astral and physical are supposed to reflect each other, and especially when it comes to a person's body, they are deeply connected. As I've become more in tune with my astral body, my physical genitals have started to feel like they're inside out, and it feels extremely jarring. It used to feel hollow (like it wasn't really there) so it was easy to ignore, but now it's actively uncomfortable.

At times I feel like I might lose my mind because of how wrong it feels, although having astral sex regularly helps a bit to distract me from it. The sexual satisfaction made me think at first that I was fine with my body staying the way it is, but I realise by now just how important it is that I'm physically female, even down there. I just want that part of my body to feel right, or at least not so wrong...

I've decided that I'll have surgery. At worst it replaces one source of intense discomfort with another, and at best it liberates my sexuality and makes me feel more comfortable in my body. I've also used divination as well as some actual research to look into the outcomes and appears to be clearly in my favour. Besides that I've experimented with biokinesis, and based on the results at the time (although I had to undo them because the shape needs to be different first or it'll cause problems) I'm confident that I'll be able to further improve the results after the surgery. It would put many usable tissues in places that are suitable for my purposes.


There are two reasons as to why I sound like I'm not happy. One is the discomfort caused by what I mentioned above. The other is trauma from past lives. Since I was little, I've been prone to sudden bouts of gloominess, that I used to not understand. But now that I'm more spiritually open, I'm starting to remember things. Horrible things... Do you know what xian communities and the church did to homosexual boys/men back in the day? That's only the start of it. I'm not good at repressing things, so I couldn't hide or avoid anything at all. And besides that, there were other things too...
It's probably pathetic to cry over things that didn't even happen in this life, but I can't help it. And when I think back to it, I think that I became like this astrally because I wanted to run away from being male. I wanted to be protected like women and girls usually are.
Changing to the extent I have and living as a woman, as well as having such a loving and reliable partner, has given me immense relief from those things. But sometimes I ask myself if it's really okay for me to run away like that, going as far as to change my being even at my very core. The happiness my transformation has given me, is that what I should believe in? Or are the sorrows of my past something I should've faced head-on by attempting to live as a man again now that this world has slightly improved?

I've thought about it. And I realised that even with how this world has changed, I would still be happier if I was completely female, even physically. Some people say that you shouldn't dwell on things that aren't possible. But they're wrong that it isn't possible. Even now, I've already changed so much, and I know that I will still change more. Sometimes rapidly, sometimes gradually, based on whatever methods are available to me at the time. Nobody else can decide for me what I want or what I should be satisfied with, or what my limits are. We live in a world where things that used to be impossible are constantly becoming possible, because that's just how creative and ingenious we humans are. Every year, something happens for the first time ever at our hands. If no one else does it before me, then I will, if that's what it takes for me to be satisfied. That's what I've decided on.


I'll be in my mid-twenties soon. As for meditation, I think I do fairly normal stuff for the most part, but I like to use the rune Bjarkan. Besides being useful for protection, it also helped to solve some energetic problems caused by the mismatch between my bodies, which used to drain my energy. Vibrating Bjarkan a decent amount of times every day seems to prevent that somehow.
Feel free to share your tips for becoming athletic, I've been thinking about exercising more lately but I'm not sure where to start.
I compared myself to studies about others so people don't misunderstand and think my feelings are just coming from my intersex condition; I think it goes much deeper than that and I wanted to convey that.

As for why I think I'm not completely mentally okay, it's because I still have so much trauma to heal from. I get symptoms of PTSD sometimes, and it startles my partner and my family. I always try to be calm and reasonable, so when I suddenly start shaking and crying because something minor caused me to have a flashback, I feel bad for making the people around me worry and feel embarrassed for not being in control of my emotions. But I always try to remind myself that those things are in the past, and that I'm free to live a happy life now; that I won't be abandoned, and that no one is going to kill me either. My partner helps to remind me of that too. I'm truly blessed to have such kind people around me.

Lastly, I don't think people like Aquarius are dummies. He's just trying to understand these things from his perspective and express his thoughts and feelings on the topic. He may not understand how you feel or what you've been through, but I think he's trying to protect you from potentially making a mistake. Sometimes people go into this kind of thing with the wrong expectations, and make impulsive decisions that they end up sorely regretting. A lot of the time, reasons people do this kind of thing may not actually a problem with whether they're masculine or feminine, but other problems that they simply blamed on their sex. Many problems like that can be overcome through meditation and yoga and self-improvement in general, and that's why a lot of people frown on relying on medical intervention, because they mentally equate it to someone taking anti-depressants for the rest of their life to cope with depression instead of actually getting to the root of the problem, and consider you mentally weak for it.

When it comes down to it, it's either a matter of you not understanding your own situation well, or a matter of others not understanding your situation well. I think it's often a bit of both, because issues like that are often very complex and have more than just one cause. I've been thinking recently: if even I still can't fully understand why I'm the way I am even after thinking about it for so long and looking so deep inside my past, then how could I possibly explain it to someone else? Although I feel like I've gotten closer to the truth, I know that there's still information I'm missing. And without that information, everyone is just guessing that things are one way or the other, when it's really different for everyone.

In the end, the best you can do is to search yourself and consider everything carefully, then make your best judgement on what to do. There are no cookie cutter answers here, so just do what you think is right and act with care. I hope it goes well for you.

If you read it all, then I hope it was interesting. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask and I'll try to answer them.

hi alt, sorry this didnt go through. my response is kinda personal, i don't know if i should exclude some of the things i wrote or not so ill just leave them in. even if they're embarrassing or retarded. idk if you can relate to any of it, but i hope it makes sense.

ah okay, i see. youre a very cool person. your mind seems soft but your will is firm like a snowglobe on a shelf, like theres movement and a picture within but its not going anywhere lol .

i love that you use bjarkan for this. i noticed masculine power is hot and dry and gets corrupted and connects to dross very easily.as opposed to feminine power is cool and soft and everything slips off of it. i did bjarkan and moon squares and such, for feminization of the bones and butt. its protective nature was great for staying pure, but not great for increasing power or brightness. i also tried biokinesis for eyes and hair but unfortunately its very tough.

also i love that you sing too, i personally like to do voices. i like to do impressions of tough manly charaters and then switch really fast to a cutesy girly one. i find myself very funny personally but it annoys the hell out of everyone else xD ive definitely got a long way to go. one song that i love is the one from jojos where ceasar gets pancaked "Il mare eterno nella mia anima" pretty opera style. i also tried my hand at piano, but my other hand didnt seem interested. hand independence and illiteracy to sheet music made this tough. i have been thinking of starting digital art again, there's nothing like the feeling of getting positive feedback from people. if youve got any pieces you have saved id love to see them

i find it very funny when people say they love mathematics, my ex friend used to always try to get me to advance in math alongside him so he had a friend to talk about it with. he was the smartest, but unfortunately he was an intellectual type. no desire for the martial or spiritual learning. and he liked jews more than me unfortunately. i love learning math, but i hated the school atmosphere. i think school ruined math for me lol. but yeah i know its a huge stereotype that every trans girl is a coder, i am certainly very jealous that you have such discipline. i was almost conned into it by a girl from canada who said she would move me out and be my master (teach me coding and otherwise lol).

i totally agree mtf hrt has a huge soothing effect, i finally feel like i can let my guard down and just relax for the first time in years. i feel like i was on the run, and that time was just stopped in place. i feel like im in the real world again and my powers that were lost to me are starting to come back.

as for why im personally like this, ( i know you didnt ask dont hate me plz) i had a sexual awakening really early in about second grade or so and i had a pretty perverted and childish idea of being what i thought was a sexy girl. which was obviously just a little girl my age i had a crush on or admired or whatever. and i started like, secret crossdressing with clothes that didnt fit me from then on.one time my mom was giving me a bath when i was like 5 maybe and my dad smacked my head pretty bad for looking at her naked xD i genuinely think that fucked my brain up. also they made me wear diapers when i was way too old it was really humiliating and its one of the memories that haunt me still. i literally wet the bed bc my dad would come home and spank me and terrify me every other night over bullshit that happened during the day. also just generally getting pounded on or emotionally abused for talking, or standing up for myself or isolating myself, bad grades, looking at my dad the wrong way, just basically any form of expression or human behavior at all. not to mention when i tried wearing make up :l lots of running away and a little cutting the wrists of course. generally lots of pathetic trauma. it feels incredibly freeing to be someone else

i was always very obedient and knew how to avoid any issue but it really was out of my control. took a toll on me for sure and i think i developed a pretty shit plan for escaping and making life better. which for better or worse never happened, not for lack of me trying of course. looking back on it i was always a sweet and girly boy and im very regretful i couldn't have been cultivated into a beautiful happy man. either way i wasnt normal to begin with but i certainly did try my best, it just wasnt my fate or something like that.

ive been thinking hard lately about the surgery, i dont know what the hell i should do honestly
it personally makes me feel scared and squeamish. i saw the suporn doctor from thailand was a real expert and did an amazing job, but that person retired and that's rather discouraging. im considering simply getting orchi, but i dont know if that somethings i would be aesthetically okay with even though the benefits are great. the novely of being a pretty boy is pretty much all ive got, nobody would ever fall for me being a girl. i feel like if i do the future of the world would be removed from me. like i would have no place in anything at all anymore. but also that i could be freely myself.or maybe be free from my self. very tough decision, i dont really know

all i can say is im nothing like you, you really are a different kind of really cool unique and special person. especially to have the courage to go through with the terrifying change. i indeed agree with you, the world is changing aswell and i think there are many bright pathways being opened up for the earth. every day for me is honestly a struggle between the power of my ego and the laziness and stupidity within me. but even i have boundless expectations for what is possible and what isn't. it really hurts when such discouraging people make up such an overwhelming portion of peer review.

im looking forward to when you start taking your empowerment to a more serious level. you've got a great upfront kind of honesty in you, i feel like you're the kind of person who could always know the right thing to do. very lawful and present

a balance unshakable as a sea foam sequoia
with roots to grasp and room to sway
nourished wholly by the breeze

if bleaching life from sun may reach
gold kissed eyes your hope may leech
smaragdine fur of a long limbed Samaritan
arousing love for ivory bared again

hailing land which some may travel
making home were one may dabble
venom pillars all day fall
let come to night your light stands tall

cutie poetry!!

 

[Alt123]

...

just for precising: there are Mageson's sermons yet in the forum. not everything he wrote was wrong/corrupted. no, for me it's not wrong if you do surgery, it was just a my opinion. if this makes you feel better, i'm glad. "good enough" is the right term as you said, because it is not an attachment, but just adding something that you find beneficial. but i haven't specified it, i'm sorry. what really matters is your inner peace. i'm again glad to hear that you've grown spiritually.
I'm not entirely in agreement with twin soul concept either, even if in native-american concept is "two spirits" but those are just terms. but something like for example "Ishtar is also the Goddess of those people" is real and not from Mageson. i'm sorry again for misunderstood. afterall, feminine and masculine are energies and we have to balance them. i personally am just one too anyway, in regard to twin soul. i think Mageson meant "a male body with a female soul" aka twin soul concept, even if i'm not in harmony with this. but i linked it to you just for the explanation of the ancient times. i haven't specified that either. i'm sorry

You're right, there may still be some useful information in the things he wrote. Although when it comes to a controversial topic like this, it's hard to take anything anyone says about it as more than just an opinion in the first place.

I'm sorry for misunderstanding your points and responding a bit harshly. Thank you for explaining what you meant.

You're right, things like twin-soul and two-spirit are just terms. They didn't make much sense to me because I know I have only one Soul and one of each Chakra, but I think that was just how people tried to understand it back in the day. And I did mention that it feels like I've had two different bodies since I was little. Maybe that's what they meant by those terms?
I think back then a term like that was popular since there wasn't much that could be done besides accepting both sides of the person. But in my experience, having a physical and astral body of different sexes just causes problems. I mentioned dissonance, and you mentioned someone said her Chakras were more balanced after starting hormone treatment; it basically comes down to the same thing. As such, I really want to unite the two as much as I can. I'm really glad for the medical help I've received to that end so far.

As for surgery, it's exactly as you say, I just want to add something I find beneficial.

The last time I tried using my physical genitals for anything was more than half a year ago, and I didn't even enjoy it; in fact, it caused energetic problems for me that lasted several days. Since then I've just done sexual things astrally, which has been very fulfilling since it's so vivid and pleasurable for both me and my partner. But as a result it's like I don't even have any genitals physically. I can use my face, chest or legs to entice my partner, but in-between the latter two there might as well be nothing. I just feel incomplete that way.
I know there are many women out there who struggle to have sex in a fulfilling way, but for them it's often a matter of getting to know their body and figuring out what feels good. I already know my body, and there just isn't anything I can physically do right now.

I just want to have something physically down there for me and my partner to enjoy. Instead I've got this useless thing that's in the way and uncomfortably dissonates with the rest of my being, even causing problems with my lower Chakras sometimes. Last year I was able to accept it temporarily and really gave it a fair chance, but to no avail. Sometimes I just can't stand it anymore.

It may not be perfect, but it's good enough to help me immensely with each of those problems.

Although it's minor in comparison, there's the matter of aesthetics too. A bit over a year ago I went on a trip to Japan with my family, and my mother and I bathed together at a hot spring inn in the mountains. While we were in the spring, she said that she used to worry a lot about me, and worried if transitioning would just make my body look wrong; but after seeing how natural and feminine I looked, she felt relieved and like I had made the right decision after all. A week later she said she understands now why I want to have surgery, because after seeing me like that, it just seem rather silly for me to be different down there. I agree with her that it would be nice if my body looked right even without concealing any of it, even if "right" is subjective. But I know that for me it would feel right.

I doubt something so drastic would be a good idea for most people, especially with how rough the recovery initially is. But I know without a doubt now that for me it would only be beneficial, and absolutely worth it. It would definitely help me feel more at peace.

 

[Reed]

...

just for precising: there are Mageson's sermons yet in the forum. not everything he wrote was wrong/corrupted. no, for me it's not wrong if you do surgery, it was just a my opinion. if this makes you feel better, i'm glad. "good enough" is the right term as you said, because it is not an attachment, but just adding something that you find beneficial. but i haven't specified it, i'm sorry. what really matters is your inner peace. i'm again glad to hear that you've grown spiritually.
I'm not entirely in agreement with twin soul concept either, even if in native-american concept is "two spirits" but those are just terms. but something like for example "Ishtar is also the Goddess of those people" is real and not from Mageson. i'm sorry again for misunderstood. afterall, feminine and masculine are energies and we have to balance them. i personally am just one too anyway, in regard to twin soul. i think Mageson meant "a male body with a female soul" aka twin soul concept, even if i'm not in harmony with this. but i linked it to you just for the explanation of the ancient times. i haven't specified that either. i'm sorry

You're right, there may still be some useful information in the things he wrote. Although when it comes to a controversial topic like this, it's hard to take anything anyone says about it as more than just an opinion in the first place.

I'm sorry for misunderstanding your points and responding a bit harshly. Thank you for explaining what you meant.

You're right, things like twin-soul and two-spirit are just terms. They didn't make much sense to me because I know I have only one Soul and one of each Chakra, but I think that was just how people tried to understand it back in the day. And I did mention that it feels like I've had two different bodies since I was little. Maybe that's what they meant by those terms?
I think back then a term like that was popular since there wasn't much that could be done besides accepting both sides of the person. But in my experience, having a physical and astral body of different sexes just causes problems. I mentioned dissonance, and you mentioned someone said her Chakras were more balanced after starting hormone treatment; it basically comes down to the same thing. As such, I really want to unite the two as much as I can. I'm really glad for the medical help I've received to that end so far.

As for surgery, it's exactly as you say, I just want to add something I find beneficial.

The last time I tried using my physical genitals for anything was more than half a year ago, and I didn't even enjoy it; in fact, it caused energetic problems for me that lasted several days. Since then I've just done sexual things astrally, which has been very fulfilling since it's so vivid and pleasurable for both me and my partner. But as a result it's like I don't even have any genitals physically. I can use my face, chest or legs to entice my partner, but in-between the latter two there might as well be nothing. I just feel incomplete that way.
I know there are many women out there who struggle to have sex in a fulfilling way, but for them it's often a matter of getting to know their body and figuring out what feels good. I already know my body, and there just isn't anything I can physically do right now.

I just want to have something physically down there for me and my partner to enjoy. Instead I've got this useless thing that's in the way and uncomfortably dissonates with the rest of my being, even causing problems with my lower Chakras sometimes. Last year I was able to accept it temporarily and really gave it a fair chance, but to no avail. Sometimes I just can't stand it anymore.

It may not be perfect, but it's good enough to help me immensely with each of those problems.

Although it's minor in comparison, there's the matter of aesthetics too. A bit over a year ago I went on a trip to Japan with my family, and my mother and I bathed together at a hot spring inn in the mountains. While we were in the spring, she said that she used to worry a lot about me, and worried if transitioning would just make my body look wrong; but after seeing how natural and feminine I looked, she felt relieved and like I had made the right decision after all. A week later she said she understands now why I want to have surgery, because after seeing me like that, it just seem rather silly for me to be different down there. I agree with her that it would be nice if my body looked right even without concealing any of it, even if "right" is subjective. But I know that for me it would feel right.

I doubt something so drastic would be a good idea for most people, especially with how rough the recovery initially is. But I know without a doubt now that for me it would only be beneficial, and absolutely worth it. It would definitely help me feel more at peace.

If this causes to you sexual blockages, yes.. In my opinion you could need to change it. If you can't fix this problem spiritually. here, i'm similar to you, because i tried for years with spiritual works, but the incongruence with body persisted, doesn't matter if i read detransitioners experiences, if i did everything, spiritually and either mentally. i don't hate myself, i don't hate my body. i just don't feel those sexual features mine. i changed my voice with exercising, i have a feminine voice now (there are tutorials to do it). maybe it was easier to me because i sing. anyway, this persists, so why not? yes, this video (in regard to hrt balances chakras) is from a spiritual mtf person. so I think she talks about her experience. and from what you said, it is also your experience. anyway, biokinesis (there are also subliminals) can be useful but it requires so much energy. it is better anyway to do an hypnosis for this, than using subliminals. but biokinesis is a proof that we can evolve naturally in every way, without technology and with our responsibility.

 

[Aquarius]

Another loonies thread.
Penis chastity cage, "third sex" writings of the jew mageson being correct, ooga booga trans.

 

[Jrvan]

do what your Soul wants. Soul has the answers..

The soul can also be full of shit. Just saying.

 

[Alt123]

...

try a chastity cage, its a little piece of plastic that goes over your penis. it looks really cute with fishnets and nighties and you can match your nail polish, or lipstick. its got a lock built in, and you need a key to take it on/off. if you trust your partner, you can exchange the key for fun. and you two could easily have sex all you want. nothing would be touching your penis at all.

also get an enema kit, its the easiest thing to use, gravity does all the work. also blowjobs.
the fact that you and your boyfriend haven t had sex in 6 months, is very bad. any man would go absolutely bananas after such a long time. and any woman would start to feel unsexy and unlovable.

you cant leave your man unsatisfied, its going to destroy your relationship. a relationship that your soul is vested in.
youre gonna have to dialate twice a day for around a year, if you get the surgery.
youre putting your self on track to get the bad ending. spice it up or get out asap.
you cant let someone rip your heart out and then go through srs, nobody is that strong.
glhs

It seems you misunderstood my situation so I'll try explaining it more explicitly. I have vaginal sex with my partner almost every day, just not physically. I used to do it in-between lifetimes as a ghost, so after I dedicated and started meditating it was mainly just a matter of remembering how to do it and helping my partner improve his astral senses and connect to me. I usually have 8 or more orgasms within 15 minutes, each incredibly intense and usually lasting over half a minute, so I find it to be rather satisfying to say the least, and my partner says it feels amazing for him too. Sexual fulfilment is not the issue, but rather the issue lies with how irrelevant it makes what I have physically.

I finally have a physical body again, yet I'm restricted to only doing it astrally again because that's the only thing that feels good for me. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? Not sexually since it feels great, but mentally.

I've tried anal sex, but it never satisfied me. I really tried my best to enjoy it, but when it comes down to it it's pathetic how mediocre it feels, especially compared to vaginal sex. Besides that, it can cause all sorts of health problems on the long run (such as incontinence), and the preparation for it is really gross and unhealthy too. Do you really expect me to put up with something so dissatisfying and unhealthy for the rest of my life, when I can have surgery, suffer for several months to a year, and have something so much better?

Even aside from what the nerves and erogenous zones would be like physically after I recover, simply by having the shape overlap with my female astral body I would be able to enjoy it at least as much as what I do with my partner currently. Not to mention my physical body would finally look and feel right. Besides aesthetics, testimonies attest that the nerves rewire themselves automatically afterwards so that it feels natural, and even if that weren't the case I could just do a working to make it so.

As for dilation, the guidelines say that it can be replaced by having rough sex once in a while once the body has recovered enough for that. Since my partner and I currently have sex every day anyway, we could just do that, so long as my body can handle it.

Of course I know how to give a good handjob or blowjob; I've been with my partner for 5 years, but we only learned how to have astral sex last year. Even if enjoying sexual things myself was a lost cause back then, I wanted to make sure at least my partner is happy and satisfied since I love him so much. But my partner always said that if possible, he would like to do things that I enjoy too; so when I remembered that it's possible to have sex astrally, I told him about it and we both put in the effort to figure out how to do it.

Don't worry, my partner and my parents will both be there for me while I recover. I'll be fine.

As for the first paragraph you wrote, reading it made me feel nauseated. I consider chastity cages to be fetish wear, and the idea of wearing something that's specifically designed for a penis disgusts me immensely. It just seems humiliating. I also don't really like things like make-up or nail-polish, since it seems shallow to me and I look great naturally anyway.
I'll try not to judge you too much if that's what you're into, but things like that just really aren't for me. I still feel a bit sick.

 

[Alt123]

...

also, as for what don wrote on the third sex, none of it was his original writing. it was excerpts and interpretations from the hindu greek and roman myths about related subjects. also quotes from notable philosophers and scholars on the matter. nothing that he said was wrong, because none of it was his he was ignorant, as evidenced by the "chick in a dude suit" comment. also there are two sides to each story, mageson didnt get to spiel one for us. so none of the helpful and enlightening things that carlson and danko brought to us were wrong imo.

that being said there are two major things they both did wrong. firstly, they didnt adhere to the teaching of never discouraging someone so long as they are making progress, no matter how slow. and secondly, they built their self worth around knowledge and not practice. mageson was well read, but not wise to much. and jake seemed like a killer to me, he knew how to be nice and use respect but couldnt do it. both of them turned away and hurt the feelings of vulnerable and excited newbies. a few of whom i knew personally. family and friends. their writings weren't for the reader, they were for themselves and as such were nearly impossible to learn from.

their weakness didnt lie in poor sermon
their faults did not wake from a bed of muddied stone
for every king there is a queen where jack and joker follow suit.
to find a hand worth taking, many names may not be true
where ones character is made up, the mind might not be too
and the slyest fox attends the mass when chickens fly the coop
but if advice is sooner offered than gained the price just might be you.

a cartoon i saw said something like "the smattering of knowledge doesnt alleviate ignorance, it aggravates."
alot of times not even an expert at something will make a good teacher.
but some people dont learn well from someone nurturing them in a mature way.
sometimes jerks an fanatics will say the exact right thing you need to get your butt in gear. jos forums arent the shaolin temple and nor is it a monestary, i doubt the lgbt articles were an act of infiltration
i think those two just weren't leader material thats all. the gods like us im sure of that much.

You're right, I was just saying that because I didn't agree with the term twin-soul or two-spirit, since I'm only one person with one Soul. And what these things were like in ancient times doesn't really matter to me anymore, since I'm alive in this modern age now.
But upon reading it again, I see that there's nothing really wrong with the sermon. They were just having a discussion to try and understand the topic. The things they mentioned did seem rather obvious to me, but perhaps that can't be helped.

The Gods are so incredibly kind and understanding in ways that go beyond human comprehension; of course they don't hate people like us. When I asked the Gods for advice on the topic and meditated, the answers I found were incredibly insightful and useful. Instead of being told what I should or shouldn't do, I was given insights that helped me grow rapidly as a person and made me capable of making important decisions on my own, as well as overcoming several problems I struggled with for more than a decade.

I used to worry a lot if the way I'm trying to live my life is "right" or "wrong", but recently I realised that's a silly question. I always did what I believed was best, and it changed my life from one that wasn't even worth living to one that I enjoy immensely. Everything I've done to get to this point, have been things I genuinely wanted to do anyway. To say it was "wrong" just seems nonsensical suddenly.
I think that might be hard for people to understand unless they've been in that kind of situation, though.

 

[Aquarius]

do what your Soul wants. Soul has the answers..

The soul can also be full of shit. Just saying.

Only correct thing I've seen in this whole thread.

 

[Reed]

do what your Soul wants. Soul has the answers..

The soul can also be full of shit. Just saying.

correct

 

[Alt123]

ah, i see.
its pretty weird to me though, idk how someone can have 8 orgasms in 15 minutes without having sex, but ill take your word for it.

If you've ever had a sexual dream where you felt everything vividly and reached orgasm, then you should be able to understand. There is no actual physical stimulation in that case, and yet it feels just like physical touch; just like what me and my partner do. That's something the mind is capable of, and after some practice I became able to enter a state like that even while physically awake, where I can fully feel my astral body just as though it is my physical body.

One of the things I remembered from when I was a ghost is how to make myself appear within my the "mind's eye" of someone I love. In that way, it's also possible for me to interact with his astral body in a way that both of us can see and feel. After some practice, my partner figured out how to move within my mind as well. That's how we're able to have sex without physical stimulation, yet still feel it as though it's physical.

It's possible to do it with a Demon, too. It's even mentioned on the website if you don't believe me: https://www.joyofsatan.org/www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Incubus.html

As for why I'm able to have so many orgasms in such a short time, maybe you can consider it a lewd superpower? Although it's a bit ironic that I need to have vaginal sex for it to work while my physical body is still like this. I think it may be a side effect of some alchemy I did for the sake of my transformation, both in past lives and in this one. To be honest, the pleasure and energy was way too much for me to handle at first; mentally, physically and spiritually. But I kept practicing and gradually became able to handle more and learned how to channel the excess into my partner so that I don't get overwhelmed. I'm really glad to be able to do this with him now.

also yes its def fetish wear, but it looks pretty so whatever. the glbt thule society website is still on gentile nation im fairly certain. its got some more really good and enlightening things about third sex and what not, idk if youve seen the other ones.

I'm not really that interested in that kind of stuff, so I'll pass on reading it. I don't need insights about "third sex", I just need insights about myself and I can find those within. And if I recall corrrectly, HP HoodedCobra has personally criticised some of those writings.

also im sorry you feel like you cant feel pleasure from your body at all, are you taking cyproterone? cyproterone and finasteride absolutely nukes libedo, and cause pituitary gland tumors, its what they use to castrate rapists. if youre taking that you should probably not. spiro and bicalutimide are both better ive heard.

It's not that I can't feel pleasure, it just doesn't feel fulfilling for me. Even when I achieved orgasm physically in various ways, I just felt empty inside and it felt like something was missing. It would be no understatement to say that what I do astrally feels 20 times as good as anything I've ever experienced physically, so it's hardly a surprise that it felt like something was missing.

As for the hormones I use, I consider that to be private medical information, so I'd rather not answer. I don't think it's an issue of hormones though, as I personally didn't become any less sensitive physically after starting hormone treatment.

another thing, the nerve endings dont rewire themselves, im sure you know about the different procedures for penile inversion vaginoplasty, and the non penile inversion. one looks better, and doesnt really have much feeling, and the other looks like bad by all accounts and testimony, but has feeling.

What I meant by "nerves rewiring" isn't that nerves would regrow, but that it doesn't feel like the old body parts that it's made out of, but rather something new based on the new shape. In other words, the brain re-maps it. I meant to say that I'm not concerned that it would "feel" like it's shaped wrong for that reason, especially with how similarly shaped it would be to what I currently have astrally; on the contrary, my physical genitals currently feel uncomfortable and wrong and like they're inside out due to them being shaped so differently from my astral body, and everything suggests that surgery would fix that.

As for the outward appearance, I think you're nit-picking too much. I would be incredibly happy to have something like that, and the surgeon I decided on is known for having great attention for detail anyway when it comes to aesthetics despite using the technique that comes with greater sensitivity, sometimes even doing follow-up operations just to improve the appearance. I don't know what got her so interested in turning dicks inside out, but I'll gladly take her up on her services once I get through the queue.

also where are you from, and what about your boyfriend.?

you said you're both doing empowerment for the astral senses, is he dedicated aswell?

I don't want to say our location, but yes, he dedicated after I taught him how to meditate.

 

[Alt123]

I meant that it would be no overstatement, not understatement. I get those words mixed up a lot, it seems.

 

[Alt123]

It seems the person I was talking to was way further gone than I realised, and is gone in a more literal sense as well now.
Honestly, it's things like this why I can't stand most transgender people. Well, all the more reason to change.

I still hope that elaborating honestly about my experience has helped anyone understand my perspective more. Maybe it was pointless to begin with, though; people aren't quick to believe things they've never seen or experienced for themselves, and my experiences might be too far removed from what's normal for most people to understand. I have to live with it, though.

There's one thing I still wanted to clarify. I speculated that the slightly absurd amount of enjoyment I get out of astral sex may be due to side effects of "alchemy related to transformation"; but after thinking more about what exactly caused it, I realised that rather than having anything to do with "transformation", what I did was only related to increasing the enjoyment I get out of sex.

Firstly, several lifetimes ago, I had immense regrets about love. In order to cope with those regrets, I tried to make it possible for me to enjoy sex to an extent even without having a physical body; although it's a bit pitiful in hindsight, I hoped that I could at least find some form of happiness in death that way. That might've made me more sensitive to the astral even now that I have physical body again. Despite what I did, sex really feels much better when you're physically alive and able to generate your own sexual energy.

Secondly, in this life, after having several orgasms, all of my senses would become overloaded and I would become unable to feel anything anymore other than intense pleasure and bliss throughout my entire body. While it felt amazing, I disliked that it made me seem a bit unresponsive to my partner, so I used sex magick to stabilize and strengthen the mechanisms responsible for the sensations to make it so that I can still feel everything clearly even while in that kind of state. It worked, but it seems to have had the side effect of further increasing my sensitivity each time I reach orgasm.

I always assumed that wishing throughout so many lifetimes that I could've been born a girl, eventually caused me to do something to change; but now I'm wondering if perhaps I was always like this, and if that's why I wanted to change in the first place. In a sense, those things seem to go hand in hand anyway; the more I've changed, the more I've wanted to change further. As such, the cause and effect have become indistinguishable to me. It's like perpetual motion, but it's not aimless: I'm always trying to close in further on the most fulfilling reality. Perhaps that much is only normal though, and it's merely what I find to be fulfilling that's a bit unusual.