A lesson learned. Possibly a pain filled tear.

[jamesmarshall237]

I have been hurt. Many times. No don't worry this isn't a sob story. Is it? I mean i did write this do does that mean i know what im talking about or am i just nonsensical in all that i do. I guess read on to hear about a boy. Maybe... or should this have dragons? No skyrim did that already. Bunnys of doom? Nope markiliper. Hmmm a coming out story? Over done. How about i hit myself over the head with a keyborde till this all make sense. Ok that didn't work, but i did get something. My voice. Who i am as a person. My voice is whiny and im sure makes your teeth grind but oh well here it goes. For this ill tell you about kai. He and i fell in love. Or at least i did for him it was a game. Well thats what his brother said. Well not sure if it was his brother or one of his lies he loved so well. Now let see it was about in nov. of 2013 so a full year has gone by sense we met. Sad to think i only pen this, well type it, out now. I guess what started this was because curiosity killed the cat. My emotions are the cat in that metaphor. They went haywire when i saw his profile on google + . Yes yes i looked at an ex's profile big deal im not the only semi-qsudo staker reading this so dont judge. Well judging me i guess is sorta want i deserve but it hurts you know. Feeling that pain. That loathing of yourself and things around you. I pen this on Satans day his personnel day. I feel bad and yet i also feel his blessing to make go though with this. A sense of peace washes over the distal dapper of pain, adrenalin, and anxiety i feel. I guess ill start at the start. I know big shocker. Now by now you can understand im being as jokey as can be. I hope you can forgive me for it. Its the only way to not break down not feel this pain. So i laugh. Drowning myself in this and my story. I met him and i could feel out hurt he was. At first i thought only friends of us. He didnt think even that much, but i wore on him and be became close. He told me that he was stuck in a prison. I wont say what kind or how i learned because first this isnt a story about that. Secondly when i was a boy i dreamed of being a knight so call it my pride or honor that i keep that big away. For his or mine i wonder. we become lovers. At first i could only care about his body. At least i thought i did. Life has a way of fucking with you unless you know how to fight back. At the time i didnt sadly. I always felt holes in his story. The lies were there but my faith was split between my brain and my love for him. Anytime i ask i always just gave up never pushing into all the yarns he spined. One day he told me about being  raped by his father. Not just that but his brother was as well. I felt awful and wanted to be there for him. Another trap if only i had listen to my gut my soul the very core of who i am as a person. Then after that how he was raped by this girl. Or how he was put into this room were he was forced to be top or bottom in many ways. I fell for it all. I lied to myself. Worst of all i did something unforgivable. I put his life over my own. I was blinded by loved. after a few months of more lies and me getting deeper and deeper. He had a friend come along whom i thought was who he said he was. I was more .. motherly lets call it at the time so thats what i did. I become a qsudo mom for him. Yes i know im a man i got a cock so i cant be a mom. I tried anyways cause i loved him and thats what he wanted. Now even though we were the same age i went along with it. I would say more of a brother but he wanted me to call myself his mom so i did. Then one day it shattered, and i felt myself fall deep into the abyss i never wanted to reach let alone see. He told me we could no longer talk. Then i with the last of me yelled him off saying i know your lieing about everything. It went on for a good 5 mines or so. Then he just cried and ran of saying i wanted to spend my last moment with you saying good by. This all happened cause i wanted to call the cops about his situation. The next day i was sooooooooo suicidal. Then his brother convinced me other wise. We were friends for a few days. We never got along cause he was kais lover before me. I know twincest. Like i said blinded by love. Then when i backed him into the same corner he told me right out how it was a big lie to fuck with me and it was great to fool me. That he hs to run back to his little kai. I wanted to rage. I felt it boil. yet it all turned into pure pain. I felt as if i know what a mother who lost their baby must feel like. I know what he means to truly lose something to want to hold on to. I lost it and myself for a while. And so im here now. I have a lover named zach whom i love dearly. Yet the pain of it all still is there with me. Some time its feeds on me when i least suspect it. Thoughts that burst into my being of what i would do if i ever saw or heard from that thing again. Now today the 12th of December 2014. I write his hoping to warn others maybe. Possibly to hear some needed support. I don't know what but i felt the need to open up and then show others it.  
Sincerly yours, Artorius Marcellus -my craft name and what i feel is my true name.

 

[edwardtgao8]

Somewhere in groups there was a topic on vampires mentioning this meditation:http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... ching.htmlthat some people like to attach to our sacral and 3d and leech energy, and some woman told she had to detach her ex from sacral, especially it includes violent and abusive shit "lovers". I feel a lot of *great Knight love* is to do with the links to the 6th chakra and 5th chakra. On JoS its said 5th is emotional one. I feel like deep feelings of love and dependence on another person - mental and emotional - also somehow includes 6th chakra. Try this. Personage of your story looks like an adept vampire who lives on other's pity, very kike / grey behavior, maybe a kike.Also very useful meditation for emotional people:https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/Adv ... opics/8307you can just do it alone concentrating on your rage for hours, it by itself can punish the enemy, while healing you both physically and emotionally + helping your Serpent.

 

[jamesmarshall237]

I thank you from the bottom of my heart. :') I cant not express my joy at you telling me so i hope a heart felt thanks will suffice.

 

[edwardtgao8]

your welco[/IMG]Never mind cutting off vampires. We are already too busy with our own lives and don't need some shitty vampires in it. If you have a lot of feelings to give, I suggest asking for a Demon-Lover or a Demon-friend who would come to you and you give all your heart and tender to him. Or create such relationship with your GD or Satan to give tones of love and empathy if your a love-giver by nature. Demon is always the best decision when it comes to deep feelings. "Those who are without" are bad choice, enemies of Satan are always the worst. Kikes are death.

 

[satinwhtch]

You can not take care of another unless you take care of yourself first.
You breathe so then you can help them breathe.
You drink so then you can help them drink.
You eat so you can help them eat.
You care about you and then help them care about themselves so they can care about you.
Survive first.
Then Live.