AskSatanOperator
Well-known member
It is embarrassing but this is the situation. I can't orgasm. I have a very high sex drive and it is frustrating. Sorry for the rant, bear with me please.
I'm 23 and I never had sexual penetration with a man. I never had an orgasm, a proper one at least. Not because it would be difficult to find a man to have sex.
In high school, I was under pressure because of bigot family. You know the regular stuff, don't wear this and that, no makeup, no speaking with boys. It didn't work. I would change my clothes after I leave home. Things got to a point that I would change my clothes, name, and age. Paint my face with makeup. I would become a different person. My first boyfriend was a college boy and I lied him about my name, age, everything... I'm not proud. I don't regret it either. I have an emphasis on mutable signs in birth chart. This kind of thing comes natural to me. I needed that at the time.
I liked that boy but I did not feel comfortable with sexuality. One very obvious reason is it would be a crime and I am not that evil. Secondly, only sexual thing I experienced to this point was harassment in a bus back when I was 12 and I guess it was traumatic. Thirdly, I felt obliged to do things because he was my boyfriend and it was stressful. I did not want him. I would go to his place but I would be relieved when my dad calls me and ruin the mood. Eventually I broke up with him.
After this, and maybe because of this, I seeked relationships that has phyisical challenges to get together. Like long distance relationships. This way, I wouldn't have to reject them. This is problematic, I know. Internally I don't think that I have the right to say no if I'm in a relationship so I would make the outer conditions won't allow it. I experienced strong emotions and loved these men (3 boyfriends in total, in high school and university) while I was with them but it did not feel right. I want to have sex like crazy but they did not feel right.
On one hand, I'm fantasizing and masturbating too often. I can go to a sex shop buy toys, no shame. All in vain though. I become too sensitive and can't finish it. On the other hand, I'm scared? repulsed? to have real sex. I'm avoiding it on purpose.
I lived alone for months on an exchange program for students and I thought about this situation for a long time. I did hang out in bars and played drinking games with strangers. I flirted with the security guard at the door that I will never see again and I had months-long relationships, I felt love. So I seriously was thinking, what is my problem? Why I don't want to have sex even though I really, really want it?
I'm twisted. I wish I was an experienced cool woman or a virtuous woman that cares about chastity so it would make sense. I'm twisted with oppressed feelings. After thinking about what I feel and what I want for a long time, I can say that I have a problem. I only want to have sex with someone Iโd have children with. I'm waiting for someone that does not exist or may not exist. I want to look at a man and say ''What a beautiful man. This is what Father's image looks like in his creation. His bloodline needs to continue. I will do it for him.'' I'm in love with an idea. I fantasize about him and I don't want anyone else. I'm looking for him in everyone else. This imaginary man is honorable, chivalrous, and glorious.
Iโm waiting for a knight in shining armor. I'm staying loyal to someone who may not exist. Nobody feels right. Maybe this is a thoughtform I created and bound myself unknowingly. Maybe a past life thing. I did munka for freeing before. I secretly hope he is real.
Where do I go from here? More cleaning sacral and base chakra? Yoga focusing on these chakras? I don't understand why I can't reach orgasm. Working to attract partner? My workings are for financial freedom, it is my priority. This issue is a sore spot in my life but freedom is more crucial.
To sum it up, I'm horny. Sorry for the language. I have super high sex drive but it is not directed at anyone. Nobody feels right, even the ones I was romantically involved in the past. I miss someone I have never met. A nameless, faceless, imaginary lover. Am I delirious? Am I delusional?I don't want a boyfriend. Not a husband. I want a blood oath. I dedicated 3 years ago and I didn't even hold hands with a man since then. I want it, I want affection in all possible ways but I'm repulsed by idea of doing it with any person I know. I will soon be considered a spinster by 17th century standards. Am I too old to be a virgin? Does it even matter? Is this my real personality or am I under programming of enemy religions as in waiting for marriage? I wish to have one lifelong partner, for lifetimes. What if he doesn't exist and I'm waiting for someone who does not exist?
I'm 23 and I never had sexual penetration with a man. I never had an orgasm, a proper one at least. Not because it would be difficult to find a man to have sex.
In high school, I was under pressure because of bigot family. You know the regular stuff, don't wear this and that, no makeup, no speaking with boys. It didn't work. I would change my clothes after I leave home. Things got to a point that I would change my clothes, name, and age. Paint my face with makeup. I would become a different person. My first boyfriend was a college boy and I lied him about my name, age, everything... I'm not proud. I don't regret it either. I have an emphasis on mutable signs in birth chart. This kind of thing comes natural to me. I needed that at the time.
I liked that boy but I did not feel comfortable with sexuality. One very obvious reason is it would be a crime and I am not that evil. Secondly, only sexual thing I experienced to this point was harassment in a bus back when I was 12 and I guess it was traumatic. Thirdly, I felt obliged to do things because he was my boyfriend and it was stressful. I did not want him. I would go to his place but I would be relieved when my dad calls me and ruin the mood. Eventually I broke up with him.
After this, and maybe because of this, I seeked relationships that has phyisical challenges to get together. Like long distance relationships. This way, I wouldn't have to reject them. This is problematic, I know. Internally I don't think that I have the right to say no if I'm in a relationship so I would make the outer conditions won't allow it. I experienced strong emotions and loved these men (3 boyfriends in total, in high school and university) while I was with them but it did not feel right. I want to have sex like crazy but they did not feel right.
On one hand, I'm fantasizing and masturbating too often. I can go to a sex shop buy toys, no shame. All in vain though. I become too sensitive and can't finish it. On the other hand, I'm scared? repulsed? to have real sex. I'm avoiding it on purpose.
I lived alone for months on an exchange program for students and I thought about this situation for a long time. I did hang out in bars and played drinking games with strangers. I flirted with the security guard at the door that I will never see again and I had months-long relationships, I felt love. So I seriously was thinking, what is my problem? Why I don't want to have sex even though I really, really want it?
I'm twisted. I wish I was an experienced cool woman or a virtuous woman that cares about chastity so it would make sense. I'm twisted with oppressed feelings. After thinking about what I feel and what I want for a long time, I can say that I have a problem. I only want to have sex with someone Iโd have children with. I'm waiting for someone that does not exist or may not exist. I want to look at a man and say ''What a beautiful man. This is what Father's image looks like in his creation. His bloodline needs to continue. I will do it for him.'' I'm in love with an idea. I fantasize about him and I don't want anyone else. I'm looking for him in everyone else. This imaginary man is honorable, chivalrous, and glorious.
Iโm waiting for a knight in shining armor. I'm staying loyal to someone who may not exist. Nobody feels right. Maybe this is a thoughtform I created and bound myself unknowingly. Maybe a past life thing. I did munka for freeing before. I secretly hope he is real.
Where do I go from here? More cleaning sacral and base chakra? Yoga focusing on these chakras? I don't understand why I can't reach orgasm. Working to attract partner? My workings are for financial freedom, it is my priority. This issue is a sore spot in my life but freedom is more crucial.
To sum it up, I'm horny. Sorry for the language. I have super high sex drive but it is not directed at anyone. Nobody feels right, even the ones I was romantically involved in the past. I miss someone I have never met. A nameless, faceless, imaginary lover. Am I delirious? Am I delusional?I don't want a boyfriend. Not a husband. I want a blood oath. I dedicated 3 years ago and I didn't even hold hands with a man since then. I want it, I want affection in all possible ways but I'm repulsed by idea of doing it with any person I know. I will soon be considered a spinster by 17th century standards. Am I too old to be a virgin? Does it even matter? Is this my real personality or am I under programming of enemy religions as in waiting for marriage? I wish to have one lifelong partner, for lifetimes. What if he doesn't exist and I'm waiting for someone who does not exist?
