AskSatanOperator
Well-known member
This is going to be very long. I'm going to talk about aspects of myself that I wouldn't want to admit on my account, so I want to talk about this anonymously.
What do you think makes someone "evil"? Is it in the character or the actions of the individual? Is someone who could be capable of any cruelty without empathy nor remorse, yet has enough self-restraint to never actually do it in practice, evil? Even if the negative consequences of such actions are the only thing stopping them from doing so? Or is it just about harming others on a general basis, even if they don't seem as cruel in character and thoughts? You get my point.
I ask this because it is related to myself. This is the reason why I'm asking anonymously. To tell the truth, it's because the first case I mentioned describes me perfectly. Anyone who gets in my head would think of me as an extremely evil person. I constantly think of manipulating people and doing much worse, making people suffer just for the joy of it, thinking of commiting atrocities with a smile. Yet, as bad as that may make me sound, I virtually never put such things in practice.
It may sound exaggerated, but for a long time, I have had almost absolute control over my emotions. I can feel the most extreme anger internally, while seeming normal externally, even smiling. I have complete control, so I virtually never do such things, because I can control myself and I'm not dumb. I know it would be self-destructive.
Just in case, no, I'm not Jewish. I have been practicing Spiritual Satanism for a while now, and I felt nothing but benefits. If I had a Jewish soul, it should have already been destroyed from doing so much Satanic meditation and RTRs. Having said that, I got to admit that I'm still extremely selfish. I'm only doing this for my own benefit, but I also don't want to harm others for the sake of it. Yet, I can't imagine not doing it if I knew that I could get away with it no matter what. I'm extremely caotious and paranoid anyway, so I'm never going to do something detrimental for myself.
Anyway... I was wondering what could be the spiritual cause of this and if it would eventually change. My personality has been completely stuck, never changing since I was a teenager, so it's hard to imagine. To be empathetic and altruistic for the sake of it seems completely alien and pointless to me. I don't see the point of doing things that will not benefit me, at all. Yet, if I can gain something out of helping someone, I will do it without hesitation.
I lack what makes people empathetic and able to feel remorse. I can regret making a suboptimal decision, but I will never regret harming another if it had no consequences. Yet, I am not completely without remorse or empathy. To be precise, I never feel it by default, no matter what, but I can still get attached to a limited amount of people. I can feel empathy, remorse, love and fall in love with such people. But sometines, there is a duality in me, as if my personality was fragmented. Although I normally want the best for them, I always help when I can, and I'm nice and loyal to them, there is another side in me that is sadistic and destructive, who finds such things as pointless and weak. For example, that side may tell me to manipulate someone I care about, because "it is necessary to get them to like me more and have them under control" or someting similar, while the other will never want to do that and will feel very guilty if I ever put such things into action.
I don't have multiple identities, it's just me, but my personality is so complex that it sometimes feels like a fight between multiple personalities. An internal conflict. My "nice side" and "evil side" are in conflict between each other, although they can also mix up and let me in a state that is a combination of the two. In that state, I may use manipulative tactics to get people I care about to love me more, while completely convinced that it's not going to actually harm them anyway, and since I can make them happy, it's for their own good.
However, as I said before, this "nice side" never applies to people I don't care about. A possible exception is the type of people that are very innocent and pure, cute, emotional and overly nice. The type of people that constantly get used and are insulted by others, and instantly start crying at the sligthest insult. I never felt any hostilty towards this kind of people. For the rest, on a daily basis. They make me completely drop this cruel side of me and make me very happy with ease. I can develop affection towards them nearly instantly and feel a very strong desire to help them, be nice to them and protect them from anyone who tries to harm them. I instantly get very angry towards anyone that is cruel towards such people and feel a strong desire to ***** them and make them suffer. You'd know what kind of people I'm talking about if you met them, but in my experience, they are extremely rare, and the majority seem to be women.
I think the reason why I have such a soft spot towards people like this is because they remind me of myself. I may no longer be like that, but it's pretty close to how I used to be in my childhood. I think it is pretty normal for people with trauma to have a soft spot towards people who went through the same thing, even if they may not be nice with the rest.
My parents did not have bad intentions, but they were unable of handling and understanding someone like me. I didn't quite fit anywhere and always stuck out to be the "weird one", even in my own family. I suffered and endured in silence for years. My father particularly, never really understood me and my mental struggles. No matter how much I tried or try to explain, he can't ever put himself in my place and tries to judge me from the lens of his own experiences, but that doesn't make sense. Compared to me, he's a normal person. He cannot judge me like how you would judge most people, because I have been different from the moment I was born. I have ADHD and Asperger's. He's the reason why I "broke" mentally.
I had to suffer so much emotionally, that at some point, that light and innocence I once had completely disappeared. I used to be very emotional, but my emotions and feelings kept getting fainter, until eventually, they almost completely disappeared, to the point that even feeling a very faint happines for 10 seconds seemed like a miracle to me. I became like an emotionless robot that knew no joy and only acted based on benefits versus drawbacks. I became extremely cautious and paranoid. Any emotional ties I once had, simply disappeared completely. I lived a boring and gray life without feeling anything towards anyone, no matter what happens or what they did. I only saw talking with people as a way of passing time and intellectual entertainment, with those I could have such conversations. I thought that was it and that I could never again feel much or develop feelings for other, until I met a particular person. They approached me, so I thought, why not talk, they seem interesting. Eventually, I started slowly developing feelings towards them. First, I thought the happiness they made me feel sometimes meant nothing and just as a byproduct of entertaining conversation, nothing more. I thought our friendship was just an intellectual transaction. Sooner or later, I realized it was much more. I was very confused, but I started to know again what it felt like to care for someone. Eventually, I fell in love. It was like nothing I ever felt before. I was obssessed and addicted to the feeling. It was my only light and escape from my otherwise gray and joyless life. It was the only thing that could make me feel good, period. We became a couple and were happy. We wanted to be like that forever. Sadly, that was not the case and the relationship eventually ended. That relationship, while not entirely positive in its end, unfortunately, was my first ever true love and what made my emotions and feelings start to become more intense, to "unlock" things I never could feel before. That person was my world back then and I thought they alone were more than enough. I had friends, but I felt nearly nothing towards them. My capacity to love was still very damaged, so I could only ever love a single person. My only way of caring about someone was to fall in love with someone, and I could fall in love at the flick of a switch, which was not very healthy. Eventually, I learned again what it was like to care about a friend as a friend, and not just a romantic interest. The amount of people I could care about at the same time increased, as did the amount of emotions and feelings I could feel, and their intensity. Currently, I emotionally healed a lot compared to back then, but my capacity to care about others is still limited to a very small circle.
At its core, the way I became like this was a form of self-protection. I became very paranoid and cynical. I started to see the world like a battlefield in which anyone could be hostile, and only the strong can survive. No wonder I developed this mentality, since I as a child could only see hostility towards myself from everywhere, even from the people I loved the most, my family. I felt betrayed and always alone in the world. I learned to bottle everything up for almost as long as I remember. This is why hiding and controlling my emotions comes like second nature to me. I have been doing it my whole life. I don't even need to think about it at this point, it just happens automatically, so I always seem emotionless and apathetic, no matter what I'm feeling internally. This eventually disconnected myself from my emotions, and made it harder and harder for me to be able to understand and express my own feelings. At this point, I don't even know how to physically describe my emotions or make them really show on my face. I can be boiling of anger inside and be completely unable of expressing it externally, even if I wanted to. I can be feeling the most intense love and still look completely apathetic and talk with a very monotone tone, no matter how much love I'm feeling and how much I want to express it. My default state is absolute distrust towards others, and it's very hard, although possible, for me to really trust someone else. I'm constantly doubting and analyzing the actions of others. I'm always with my guard up and distance myself by instinct when I see sudden movements, no matter who does it, even if it is someone I know I can trust. It's automatic and instant. I also get away instantly if someone is holding any potentially harmful tool, like a knife, even if there is a justified reason for its use and they don't do anything strange. I'm constantly trying to protect myself, even unconsciously. I perceive the world as a ruthless battlefield, so I cannot afford to be nice or careless, or I will not survive. Therefore, if the people and the world are cruel, I need to be prepared to be just as and even more cruel and cunning than anyone else. I'm never cruel for no reason, but I'm prepared to be as cruel as necessary if the situation calls for it. Considering that, perhaps even my sadistic thoughts are related to that, too. Perhaps, I think of murdering random people because I unconsciously see them as a potential menace, so I want to get rid of them beforehand. But I have self-control and never truly considered doing it seriously.
I'm not the type to hold grudges and simply forgot almost anyone who has hurted me, and even though I can ocassionally develop temporary grudges, I am virtually unable of hating anyone, no matter what they do. Yet, if there is a single person who I can truly say I hate, it is my father. He never understood me and still doesn't, and judges me a lot for struggles that are completely out of my control. Yet, no explanation is enough. What is even more baffling is that he's not at all dumb, in fact, I can tell he's smart and good at logic, but he's unable of understanding me. This also causes a dilemma. He's a seemingly nice person. I can tell he doesn't mean badly, but he's unable of understanding the sheer damage he has caused me and no explanation does suffice. Despite that, he's the type to donate to charity and try to help others without gaining anything, even being the one that loses out. But he knows nothing about how to nurture a son, especially one that is born fundamentally different from the rest and cannot be treated or understood like the rest, like the same old thing of thinking of ADHD people as "lazy". He constantly nags me when I drop habits and he's harsh with it. He acts as if I don't care at all about myself. If he could get in my mind and understand even a fraction of just how much I mentally want to keep good habits, he'd be baffled. He claims he's like this for my own good, but he doesn't understand the core problem. Harshness simply doesn't work for me. It only makes me angry, frustrated and unfocused. It can make me so angry that it makes me lose focus and have more difficulty trying to do that, and diminishes my motivation. Even telling me to do things nicely doesn't work quite well with me, but much better than harshness. This is why I always speak nicely with people I care about, no matter what happens or what they do. I absolutely hate harshness, insults and passive-aggressiveness, so much that just a little of it can make me seriously consider completely cutting ties with that person permanently. Imagine with my father, who tends to speak harshly, be sarcastic, make annoying "jokes", tends to be passive aggressive and gets angry easily. It's the epitome of nearly everything I completely hate to the core in a person. Perhaps my childhood trauma with him is exactly the reason why I hate those behaviors to such an extreme level. Even a joke that is slightly offenssive towards me is totally unnacceptable for me, or when I speak seriously and people do not seem to take me seriously. I am the opposite of all those traits. I am very calm and it's hard to make me truly angry. Even if I get angry, it rarely lasts much more than a minute, and no one ever notices it, due to how good I am at controlling my emotions. I am very polite and speak formally in all contexts, no matter what. I always mean exactly what I say. I never use sarcasm or passive aggressiveness. I either say things directly and calmly, exactly as they are, or I don't say them at all.
Maybe that's a part of what makes people think I'm so likable, at least externally. Despite some of my issues socializing, I seem to have an extremely strong charisma towards people, just like acting like I find natural. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that a friend of mine (and then ex) fell in love with me with the most intensity they ever experienced, just out of a few days of non-stop talking. I don't mean just platonic love, but the kind of extremely intense love that only arises when you get to really know a person. This has also happened another time, in just a month. I wasn't even trying to make them fall in love with me. In fact, I never did such thing.
Anyway, this dilemma I noticed is quite baffling. "Nice" people are unloyal, and speak and act like complete jerks. Even if they mean well, their behavior is extremely unlikable. Yet, "evil" people are nice and polite and mostly mean exactly what they say, as well as being loyal and very easy to get along with. It may just be the kind of people I got to know myself, but seriously, time and time again, people who seem to be cruel and unempathetic with almost everyone are the most loyal and protective of their friends. I met manipulative and truly evil people who were still very nice and loyal to their friends, as well as helpful, reliable, reasonable and calm, even if they're constantly thinking of making everyone else suffer, while the ones considered "good" are often unloyal jerks who abandon or betray their friends at the drop of a hat. It's bizarre. Perhaps it's just that my experiences with people were unusual, or I'm wrong with my definition of good and evil. Or society is wrong. I don't know. I'm also wondering what everything I said could imply spiritually, both negative and positive if applicable. I know I wrote a lot of text, and if anyone doesn't have the time to go through it, I get it, but if anyone can read everything and provide me with some insights, I'd really appreciate it.
What do you think makes someone "evil"? Is it in the character or the actions of the individual? Is someone who could be capable of any cruelty without empathy nor remorse, yet has enough self-restraint to never actually do it in practice, evil? Even if the negative consequences of such actions are the only thing stopping them from doing so? Or is it just about harming others on a general basis, even if they don't seem as cruel in character and thoughts? You get my point.
I ask this because it is related to myself. This is the reason why I'm asking anonymously. To tell the truth, it's because the first case I mentioned describes me perfectly. Anyone who gets in my head would think of me as an extremely evil person. I constantly think of manipulating people and doing much worse, making people suffer just for the joy of it, thinking of commiting atrocities with a smile. Yet, as bad as that may make me sound, I virtually never put such things in practice.
It may sound exaggerated, but for a long time, I have had almost absolute control over my emotions. I can feel the most extreme anger internally, while seeming normal externally, even smiling. I have complete control, so I virtually never do such things, because I can control myself and I'm not dumb. I know it would be self-destructive.
Just in case, no, I'm not Jewish. I have been practicing Spiritual Satanism for a while now, and I felt nothing but benefits. If I had a Jewish soul, it should have already been destroyed from doing so much Satanic meditation and RTRs. Having said that, I got to admit that I'm still extremely selfish. I'm only doing this for my own benefit, but I also don't want to harm others for the sake of it. Yet, I can't imagine not doing it if I knew that I could get away with it no matter what. I'm extremely caotious and paranoid anyway, so I'm never going to do something detrimental for myself.
Anyway... I was wondering what could be the spiritual cause of this and if it would eventually change. My personality has been completely stuck, never changing since I was a teenager, so it's hard to imagine. To be empathetic and altruistic for the sake of it seems completely alien and pointless to me. I don't see the point of doing things that will not benefit me, at all. Yet, if I can gain something out of helping someone, I will do it without hesitation.
I lack what makes people empathetic and able to feel remorse. I can regret making a suboptimal decision, but I will never regret harming another if it had no consequences. Yet, I am not completely without remorse or empathy. To be precise, I never feel it by default, no matter what, but I can still get attached to a limited amount of people. I can feel empathy, remorse, love and fall in love with such people. But sometines, there is a duality in me, as if my personality was fragmented. Although I normally want the best for them, I always help when I can, and I'm nice and loyal to them, there is another side in me that is sadistic and destructive, who finds such things as pointless and weak. For example, that side may tell me to manipulate someone I care about, because "it is necessary to get them to like me more and have them under control" or someting similar, while the other will never want to do that and will feel very guilty if I ever put such things into action.
I don't have multiple identities, it's just me, but my personality is so complex that it sometimes feels like a fight between multiple personalities. An internal conflict. My "nice side" and "evil side" are in conflict between each other, although they can also mix up and let me in a state that is a combination of the two. In that state, I may use manipulative tactics to get people I care about to love me more, while completely convinced that it's not going to actually harm them anyway, and since I can make them happy, it's for their own good.
However, as I said before, this "nice side" never applies to people I don't care about. A possible exception is the type of people that are very innocent and pure, cute, emotional and overly nice. The type of people that constantly get used and are insulted by others, and instantly start crying at the sligthest insult. I never felt any hostilty towards this kind of people. For the rest, on a daily basis. They make me completely drop this cruel side of me and make me very happy with ease. I can develop affection towards them nearly instantly and feel a very strong desire to help them, be nice to them and protect them from anyone who tries to harm them. I instantly get very angry towards anyone that is cruel towards such people and feel a strong desire to ***** them and make them suffer. You'd know what kind of people I'm talking about if you met them, but in my experience, they are extremely rare, and the majority seem to be women.
I think the reason why I have such a soft spot towards people like this is because they remind me of myself. I may no longer be like that, but it's pretty close to how I used to be in my childhood. I think it is pretty normal for people with trauma to have a soft spot towards people who went through the same thing, even if they may not be nice with the rest.
My parents did not have bad intentions, but they were unable of handling and understanding someone like me. I didn't quite fit anywhere and always stuck out to be the "weird one", even in my own family. I suffered and endured in silence for years. My father particularly, never really understood me and my mental struggles. No matter how much I tried or try to explain, he can't ever put himself in my place and tries to judge me from the lens of his own experiences, but that doesn't make sense. Compared to me, he's a normal person. He cannot judge me like how you would judge most people, because I have been different from the moment I was born. I have ADHD and Asperger's. He's the reason why I "broke" mentally.
I had to suffer so much emotionally, that at some point, that light and innocence I once had completely disappeared. I used to be very emotional, but my emotions and feelings kept getting fainter, until eventually, they almost completely disappeared, to the point that even feeling a very faint happines for 10 seconds seemed like a miracle to me. I became like an emotionless robot that knew no joy and only acted based on benefits versus drawbacks. I became extremely cautious and paranoid. Any emotional ties I once had, simply disappeared completely. I lived a boring and gray life without feeling anything towards anyone, no matter what happens or what they did. I only saw talking with people as a way of passing time and intellectual entertainment, with those I could have such conversations. I thought that was it and that I could never again feel much or develop feelings for other, until I met a particular person. They approached me, so I thought, why not talk, they seem interesting. Eventually, I started slowly developing feelings towards them. First, I thought the happiness they made me feel sometimes meant nothing and just as a byproduct of entertaining conversation, nothing more. I thought our friendship was just an intellectual transaction. Sooner or later, I realized it was much more. I was very confused, but I started to know again what it felt like to care for someone. Eventually, I fell in love. It was like nothing I ever felt before. I was obssessed and addicted to the feeling. It was my only light and escape from my otherwise gray and joyless life. It was the only thing that could make me feel good, period. We became a couple and were happy. We wanted to be like that forever. Sadly, that was not the case and the relationship eventually ended. That relationship, while not entirely positive in its end, unfortunately, was my first ever true love and what made my emotions and feelings start to become more intense, to "unlock" things I never could feel before. That person was my world back then and I thought they alone were more than enough. I had friends, but I felt nearly nothing towards them. My capacity to love was still very damaged, so I could only ever love a single person. My only way of caring about someone was to fall in love with someone, and I could fall in love at the flick of a switch, which was not very healthy. Eventually, I learned again what it was like to care about a friend as a friend, and not just a romantic interest. The amount of people I could care about at the same time increased, as did the amount of emotions and feelings I could feel, and their intensity. Currently, I emotionally healed a lot compared to back then, but my capacity to care about others is still limited to a very small circle.
At its core, the way I became like this was a form of self-protection. I became very paranoid and cynical. I started to see the world like a battlefield in which anyone could be hostile, and only the strong can survive. No wonder I developed this mentality, since I as a child could only see hostility towards myself from everywhere, even from the people I loved the most, my family. I felt betrayed and always alone in the world. I learned to bottle everything up for almost as long as I remember. This is why hiding and controlling my emotions comes like second nature to me. I have been doing it my whole life. I don't even need to think about it at this point, it just happens automatically, so I always seem emotionless and apathetic, no matter what I'm feeling internally. This eventually disconnected myself from my emotions, and made it harder and harder for me to be able to understand and express my own feelings. At this point, I don't even know how to physically describe my emotions or make them really show on my face. I can be boiling of anger inside and be completely unable of expressing it externally, even if I wanted to. I can be feeling the most intense love and still look completely apathetic and talk with a very monotone tone, no matter how much love I'm feeling and how much I want to express it. My default state is absolute distrust towards others, and it's very hard, although possible, for me to really trust someone else. I'm constantly doubting and analyzing the actions of others. I'm always with my guard up and distance myself by instinct when I see sudden movements, no matter who does it, even if it is someone I know I can trust. It's automatic and instant. I also get away instantly if someone is holding any potentially harmful tool, like a knife, even if there is a justified reason for its use and they don't do anything strange. I'm constantly trying to protect myself, even unconsciously. I perceive the world as a ruthless battlefield, so I cannot afford to be nice or careless, or I will not survive. Therefore, if the people and the world are cruel, I need to be prepared to be just as and even more cruel and cunning than anyone else. I'm never cruel for no reason, but I'm prepared to be as cruel as necessary if the situation calls for it. Considering that, perhaps even my sadistic thoughts are related to that, too. Perhaps, I think of murdering random people because I unconsciously see them as a potential menace, so I want to get rid of them beforehand. But I have self-control and never truly considered doing it seriously.
I'm not the type to hold grudges and simply forgot almost anyone who has hurted me, and even though I can ocassionally develop temporary grudges, I am virtually unable of hating anyone, no matter what they do. Yet, if there is a single person who I can truly say I hate, it is my father. He never understood me and still doesn't, and judges me a lot for struggles that are completely out of my control. Yet, no explanation is enough. What is even more baffling is that he's not at all dumb, in fact, I can tell he's smart and good at logic, but he's unable of understanding me. This also causes a dilemma. He's a seemingly nice person. I can tell he doesn't mean badly, but he's unable of understanding the sheer damage he has caused me and no explanation does suffice. Despite that, he's the type to donate to charity and try to help others without gaining anything, even being the one that loses out. But he knows nothing about how to nurture a son, especially one that is born fundamentally different from the rest and cannot be treated or understood like the rest, like the same old thing of thinking of ADHD people as "lazy". He constantly nags me when I drop habits and he's harsh with it. He acts as if I don't care at all about myself. If he could get in my mind and understand even a fraction of just how much I mentally want to keep good habits, he'd be baffled. He claims he's like this for my own good, but he doesn't understand the core problem. Harshness simply doesn't work for me. It only makes me angry, frustrated and unfocused. It can make me so angry that it makes me lose focus and have more difficulty trying to do that, and diminishes my motivation. Even telling me to do things nicely doesn't work quite well with me, but much better than harshness. This is why I always speak nicely with people I care about, no matter what happens or what they do. I absolutely hate harshness, insults and passive-aggressiveness, so much that just a little of it can make me seriously consider completely cutting ties with that person permanently. Imagine with my father, who tends to speak harshly, be sarcastic, make annoying "jokes", tends to be passive aggressive and gets angry easily. It's the epitome of nearly everything I completely hate to the core in a person. Perhaps my childhood trauma with him is exactly the reason why I hate those behaviors to such an extreme level. Even a joke that is slightly offenssive towards me is totally unnacceptable for me, or when I speak seriously and people do not seem to take me seriously. I am the opposite of all those traits. I am very calm and it's hard to make me truly angry. Even if I get angry, it rarely lasts much more than a minute, and no one ever notices it, due to how good I am at controlling my emotions. I am very polite and speak formally in all contexts, no matter what. I always mean exactly what I say. I never use sarcasm or passive aggressiveness. I either say things directly and calmly, exactly as they are, or I don't say them at all.
Maybe that's a part of what makes people think I'm so likable, at least externally. Despite some of my issues socializing, I seem to have an extremely strong charisma towards people, just like acting like I find natural. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that a friend of mine (and then ex) fell in love with me with the most intensity they ever experienced, just out of a few days of non-stop talking. I don't mean just platonic love, but the kind of extremely intense love that only arises when you get to really know a person. This has also happened another time, in just a month. I wasn't even trying to make them fall in love with me. In fact, I never did such thing.
Anyway, this dilemma I noticed is quite baffling. "Nice" people are unloyal, and speak and act like complete jerks. Even if they mean well, their behavior is extremely unlikable. Yet, "evil" people are nice and polite and mostly mean exactly what they say, as well as being loyal and very easy to get along with. It may just be the kind of people I got to know myself, but seriously, time and time again, people who seem to be cruel and unempathetic with almost everyone are the most loyal and protective of their friends. I met manipulative and truly evil people who were still very nice and loyal to their friends, as well as helpful, reliable, reasonable and calm, even if they're constantly thinking of making everyone else suffer, while the ones considered "good" are often unloyal jerks who abandon or betray their friends at the drop of a hat. It's bizarre. Perhaps it's just that my experiences with people were unusual, or I'm wrong with my definition of good and evil. Or society is wrong. I don't know. I'm also wondering what everything I said could imply spiritually, both negative and positive if applicable. I know I wrote a lot of text, and if anyone doesn't have the time to go through it, I get it, but if anyone can read everything and provide me with some insights, I'd really appreciate it.
