Other #75879 I hurt myself when I'm angry, pain makes me settle. (and other stuff)

[AskSatanOperator]

I'm mad at myself.
It was this years' Yule, 23th of December, Father Satans' day.
Everything was cool until I had an argument with my mother. It wasn't really an argument though, because I was the only one who got angry...

I wanted to buy her a gift, but in return I got confused and didn't buy anything. Because we had an agreement that I pick the things and I pay. I was picking the things that she likes having as a gift. When we were at the checkout my mum at the last moment renounced everything what I've said previously, she said that I should pay for things that SHE picked not ME. At the end she payed for it.
I was angry because I wanted to buy her something, especially when it's Yule (for them its xmas, obviously...). But afterwards I regret that I didn't even pay for the things that she wanted to buy. Which irritated me even further.
We just didn't get along and this bothered me because I wanted to buy something so she can feel happy. My mum is important to me because she is the last parent that has some dignity, unlike my alcoholic father.

When I returned home, still irritated about this whole situation. I started baking bread (literally), for my family so that they can have for their xmas (ugh..) hoping that the anger will pass if I get to cooking in the kitchen. At last, the bread didn't work out. The dough was raw (insert Gordon Ramsey meme here) but the crust was burned to shit! I honestly had no fucking idea what could be the issue, irritating me even further.
So, I dumped the idea of baking anything and bought bread from the store. Afterwards, I started cracking walnuts because my grandma was planning to make a cake with walnuts. That task was taking so long that I started losing my patience and my sanity (I was still angry at the "gift situation")
There were some thoughts running through my mind that I should just let things go and rest for a while. But no I didn't do that, those walnuts won't crack themselves! Losing my patience, the more I did it, the more I got angry. And because i got even more angry (inside) I wanted to just cut myself with something sharp that is nearby. So I started cutting myself with a cracked fragment of a walnut, leaving myself with a bleeding arm. I wasn't proud of it, because I knew that now I have to be careful to NOT expose the wound to anyone, to avoid trouble and I knew I had to start wearing hoodies or longsleeves all over again.

I'm a very chill person, but I tend to be impulsive and my emotions tend to sit inside, rather than expressing them like a normal human being. Also, my mood tends to change very rapidly etc.
Especially when it comes to anger, usually I'm not angry, but when I am, I can go fucking feral; Doing things like cutting myself. I have this type of behavior since childhood. My first attempt of self-harm occurred when I was about 10 or 11 years old. I'm in my early 20's now. Every time I've done the harm, I was calm and sad, while wiping off the blood with cotton pads and hydrogen peroxide to disinfect the wound. I always had to wear hoodies after that, to cover up the wound and therefore to avoid trouble from anyone.

NOT ONLY DID I DISRESPECTED MY BODY, BUT I FEEL LIKE I DISRESPECTED FATHER SATAN ASWELL, ON HIS HOLY DAY, BECAUSE I'M TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO NOT CONTROL MY EMOTIONS.

I could've worked more on the runes for healing, for less arguments in the family. Especially when Mars is retrograde in these times (Mars in retrograde can cause arguments in general) but I didn't, not because I didn't want to, but because I was working on other things and wanted to help with my family for their shitty xtian winter festival (drumming in their fucking prayers on and on and on I HATE IT, but family is family.), while setting the meditations on the other side. Oh boy what a mistake I've made. I should've did it long ago, like in the morning or something, long before doing anything else.

Why do these things happen to me? Why nothing just works out? What did I do to deserve this? It it because of my anger?
Maybe it REALLY IS just me and my mind. Besides, I was the one who decided to be angry in the first place, I was the one who just let my anger wander instead of controlling it through meditation of some sort or something.
Maybe because I neglected meditation; From time to time I tend to skip them because I'm so tired and just want to go to bed (Yes, that's my excuse)

PS. If anyone is wondering, I have a therapist and he knows about this behavior of mine, if he will suggest giving me antidepressants of some sort I WILL NOT take them, he can shove these pills up his ass.
I would like to know how can I heal my self SPIRITUALLY, to reduce these incidents in the future. Are there any workings that I can do APART FROM Aura Protection/Aura cleaning, and chakra spinning?

If you have read this entire cringefest of mine then you're a champ.
I'm not sorry for this broken and plain english that is being present in this post, because I wanted to write as fast as possible and I didn't care about the common grammar errors anymore.
If i made you laugh when reading my post - good, smiling is better than frowning. (even though this post is meant to be serious)
If you think you have something meaningful to say to this post - then please respond.
If you don't - that's no problem, I don't need reassurance from anyone, nor anything like "you're a pussy, shit happens, man up!" because that doesn't help. While I advocate free speech, making these statements like quoted above won't solve or help with anything.
I don't rely on anyone, if you have nothing to say then that's fine, I wanted to write this whole post because I wanted to vent.
I can heal myself, I just need time.

Have a good day/evening, lovely people.

 

[SeguaceDiSatanas]

NOT ONLY DID I DISRESPECTED MY BODY, BUT I FEEL LIKE I DISRESPECTED FATHER SATAN ASWELL, ON HIS HOLY DAY, BECAUSE I'M TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO NOT CONTROL MY EMOTIONS.

It is NOT your fault. You are NOT to blame and you do NOT have any "need to be punished", because there is NOTHING to punish, you are NOT guilty. As much as you wrote that "you do not need reassurance", I think it is my duty to let you know that YOU ARE NOT GUILTY OF ANYTHING, from the inside it is more difficult to realize this because you are in the situation and are influenced by it.

But from the outside my vision is more objective, because I am not emotionally involved and I can "reassure" you of this rationally. Now that you have understood that it makes no sense to punish yourself, because it is an action completely unrelated to what you should do: that is, MANAGE anger (not even resolve it, anger is not bad, you just have to channel it productively), you can work on this, YOU DESERVE to feel good, and to be able to resolve the problem, so let's do it

About anger:

Hello

There are some crystals that help with anger, such as amethyst, aventurine, carnelian, howlite. Meditating with them will help you learn to control your anger, and also help you release pent-up anger.

Also this working with yoga I wrote for releasing anger:

Base: Yoga, Repressed Anger

Update: This post has been updated with illustrations by @Rroco88. This post is currently a bit chaotic, but the PDF, created in the JoS Project Platform, is much tidier. It will be linked here as soon as possible, and will be available in Satan's Library. The poses here benefit the Base/Root...

ancient-forums.com

Also, I think the problem is that you don't understand yourself enough. You're blaming yourself even though YOU LITERALLY DO *EVERYTHING* YOU CAN TO HELP OTHERS AND MAKE THEM HAPPY! It's the most beautiful thing ever and it gives you great value and makes you a truly wonderful person, now, it's not a "condemnation" to not be able to understand yourself, because so many people get to 90 and really know very little about themselves.

But the point here is that it's worth it for you to understand your importance, and that's because along with making others happy, literally the first thing you worried about in this question of yours was offending Satan. No, you didn't offend him, but the fact that you cared about this shows once again your kind nature. So I ask you, does a person like that really deserve to be punished just because "my mother paid for me"?

I also advise you to take control of your mind. It also helps to control anger because it gives you the ability to be rational and look at your emotions and understand better how to direct them.

Satanic Void Meditation

And remember:

Learning to control anger takes effort and practice. You'll get the hang of it soon enough

so don't expect immediate results, it's unrealistic, it could take a long time and that would be the most natural thing in the world so don't blame yourself.

if he will suggest giving me antidepressants of some sort I WILL NOT take them, he can shove these pills up his ass

XD I would have said the same thing hahahaha

And about self-esteem (the starting point to self-love):

Futhark/Odin

Thank you for listening to me and I really hope I didn't misunderstand the question, if so let me know

 

[SeguaceDiSatanas]

PS: Extra notes

Here I meant that it might take you less than expected, but it requires effort and commitment so don't expect instant and easy results. It is normal that you will have to work on it, but you will get there in a reasonable amount of time, that is realistic:

And remember:
so don't expect immediate results, it's unrealistic, it could take a long time and that would be the most natural thing in the world so don't blame yourself.

By this I mean that you need to solve the anger issues, but not solve the anger itself. Anger needs to be channeled, "not repressed and nullified":

MANAGE anger (not even resolve it, anger is not bad, you just have to channel it productively)

Thank you for your patience and allowing me to specify better

 

[Ol argedco luciftias]

Explain to your mother calmly what your intention was that you wanted to do something nice for her and buy her something. She will be happy. The intention is the most important thing.

Baking is the most difficult kind of cooking. Because it's the only thing where you can't really see until the end if it didn't work. Other kinds of cooking you can keep watching and adjusting to fix problems as they are happening. Baking just takes a lot of practice for it to work. You can watch videos on youtube for cooking. My favorite one is Glen and Friends Cooking.

 

[♪⛦Ivy⛦♪]

You're not a pussy for doing what you did.

(Also I feel you. )