I committed incest when I was younger, with my older brother... I haven't done it again since then... I've never told anyone about it and I'm not proud of it. But these ideas of incest are still in my head, I've been meditating for 3 years and it hasn't left my soul, the truth seems to have come back even stronger...Is it being thrown out to be cleaned up all at once? I know we are against incest, but since that day I have never done it again and I deny anything in relation to it even though I know deep down that I want to. Could someone please help me get rid of this?
OK. Just sit down as my message could be long, but I have an inner pulse to support and help people who suffered sexual problems, abuse or chaos in early life, like you - as I am one of them and I working to heal (with success) since years. First of all, I know how deep and heavy is the feeling of being "wrong" and the shame in such cases, so that I express a deep sorrow for how you feel now - and at the same time I congratulate for you having found the strength and courage to post this on here. It is a big accomplishment. Taking out what is hidden inside you, is very needed, healing and good. You won't regret.
You had sex with your older brother. I assume, you were not the cause by asking him "please have sex with me", but instead he wanted that.
Ok. He is older and he is male. You were younger and female. Who is the offender and responsible here? Not you. He was older so probably more able to discern what is wrong or right, so why he did not stop that?
You say "I am not proud" but - according to your words - you are the victim not the offender. So how can you feel sorry for something that has been done to you? It's not your fault, as far as I can see.
If you want to tell more about that on here, you are welcome, just post anonymously and noone will ever know who you are.
Except you. You will always have to confront yourself in life so, lifting off a bit of shame or guilt, will be positive for you and your wellbeing. Buried feelings may grow in the years and manifest later in life in emotional collapses, and the such, ruining relationships, etc. So you need to vent out, here, or with a skilled therapist (not jew or jewed... just ask your Guardian Demon if you are dedicated for guidance).
The fact that your brother wanted to do this MAY have to do with a family abuse scenario. People who have sex inside their family, MAY (it's only a possibility) have suffered abuse as a child. So their mind have been trained that having intercourse with family members is normal. This often happens to people who suffered sexual abuse in a deceiving, non physically violent, way. So their mind has been deceived by usually an abusive father, who convinced the kid that inter-family sex is normal and good.
So it is possible you come for a very problematic family. In any case, please start thinking that you are not responsible for this, as you probably were very young and unable to defend yourself or understand what was happening.
You say "the truth seems to have come back even stronger".
Yes this happens, the more you try to bury the truth in you, the more it may manifest. With thoughts, fatigue, sickness, seizures, emotional outbursts... whatever until you listen to all the story by telling it to yourself, like you are doing here.
This may require a bit of time, months/years according to the severity of your emotional damage, but healing is possible. Until you will find inner peace and the truth will be understood, elaborated and not heavy anymore. It simply happened, for some reasons, but is gone.
I wish you can reach this point soon.
